I'll be your harvester of light

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Who| The Disciple; openish!
What| The Disciple wanders in search of Signless
Where| Training Center
When| Late Week 5/Early Week 6
Warnings/Notes| Angst purrobably

The avoxs have replaced three pillows since she returned and somewhere in her haze, she hoped they didn't get in trouble for the mess they were throwing away. Torn to shreds, covered in green tears, it's not their fault. She's the one acting like a wiggler. Acting like her whole world has fallen apart. Childlishly holing up in her room, waiting for Signless to come to her, to apologize for the hell he put her through. But that's stupid, she realized. Selfish. Cruel.

Eventually she forced herself to watch the coverage. Watch every moment, from Psiionic and Signless, to Terezi and Karkat--the Ininiate who makes her blood boil...To the death in her arms. She watched it twice more, until the tears stop falling and she could face it as it is.

And she still does not know what to say to him. The hate boils but mixes with pity and god she needs a pap, she needs a soothing touch because the Ininiate is somewhere in these walls and she wants to--needs to hunt him down and make him pay.

That's how she ends up wandering around, trying to find him. Down to District 1 where Karkat lives and up to Twelve where he lives. Her stupid selfishness needs to end.

Comments

[deafscythe]

As much as he doesn't want to adjust to living here, he should meet the rest of the people in his district. They're supposed to be teammates, as much as anyone can be when the ultimate goal is to kill everyone else. So when the Disciple comes back out the elevator, Justin is waiting. He's wearing his normal robes, because he promised the stylists he won't leave the floor.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She looks a little surprised to see someone out and about--Somehow she was used to some solitude in their lounge. A new face did prompt her to try to pull herself together, as much as she could have her experiences.

"Hello..." She wasn't sure if her appearance would spark surprise or be completely overlooked.

[deafscythe]

He smiles, empty politeness. Justin Law would rather be out and about than hiding in his room all day.

"Hello. Do you live here as well?"

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

"Yes--well I just came back after well...the arena." She paused and looked around. Not that their living quarters were full of people, but usually there were a few more noises in the rooms beyond this. More of their district must have had luck in the arena.

"There aren't many of us back yet are there?"

[deafscythe]

"Not yet. I believe I was the first to return, and it has been rather quiet." His own first death was nothing short of humiliating.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

"It'll be busier soon enough." She ran a hand though her hair, snagging it after a moment and giving up, "...I'm not good with first impressions. Are you simply waiting to meet people or..."

[deafscythe]

"Ah," he pulls out a friendly smile, "No, I simply noticed you leaving the floor and decided to take it upon myself to make your acquaintance."

[sleeplessinalternia]

She runs into Karkat as he's leaving the District One suites. He'd gone down to get fetch some stuff to bring back up with him to District Twelve, where he'd been staying with Signless since they'd both come back to the Capitol. (Karkat had moved back to his actual District Suite after most of the resident psychos hadn't come back from the last arena, but with Signless the way he was now, it probably wasn't a good idea to have him too far from his moirail.)

"Oh," he says, looking her up and down. "You're back."

He wonders if Signless knows yet.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She's not sure how to react to that, the way he look up and down and says that. She crosses her arms at first but memories reassert and she takes a breath. She did say shitty things after all.

"I am." She paused and reached out to pat his cheek. It's almost like a pap really, a little too lingering to be a proper pat. But she doesn't know how else to express her gratitude, that he tried to keep Signless from having to do such a terrible thing.

"Thank you. You're a good moirail." Better than she is right now.

[sleeplessinalternia]

Karkat shrugs. "I'd like to think I'm better than that lithping shitsack, anyway," he says. The whole almost-pap thing is pretty weird, but he's not sure why he didn't expect Signless' matesprit to be just as weird as he is.

"He's pretty fucked up." He doesn't have to say who.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She bites back the automatic response 'He's not a lisping shitsack' because fuck, what's the point in defending him if he didn't even care to know her anymore. If he wouldn't forgive her.

"Well..." Aren't we all, she wants to say, Don't you think all of this has messed up quite a few of us. But she doesn't. Supportive matesprit, that's the role she decided on today.

"It was a screwed up situation..."

[sleeplessinalternia]

"No fucking kidding," Karkat replies, scowling a little. "He broke him. That piece of jumped-up harlequin shit who doesn't deserve a title broke him--and he used me to do it." He's still angry at that. He doesn't think he'll ever stop being. The idea that what happened to him at the Initiate's hands was unequivocally wrong... he still isn't over it.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Her nails dig into her palms as she tries, tries so very hard to be calm. A quick nod, she takes a breath and shakes her head.

"Of course he did, he's a messed up indigo and indigos do what they want. He becomes that Highblood--I don't..." Know what you all expected.

"He's not used to being denied or messed with. All trolls are just playthings to people like that. Pieces he uses to instill fear and get his message across. To him, I doubt you mattered. The end point was hurting and messing with Signless, to drag him down to his level--so he didn't care about you at all."

[69problems]

When she finally does find him in District 12, he's curled up on the bed (he long ago transitioned from sleeping in the more comfortable sleeping bag). His pure white tribble is nestled against his chest. He's idly stroking it, occasionally eliciting a coo. It's an excellent source of comfort when Karkat isn't in the room to play nanny and he's too emotionally exhausted to move too far.

When he sees her enter the room, his expression immediately becomes one of guilt. He knew this conversation was going to have to happen, but he doesn't know if he's ready for it. He decides to let her speak first, because he needs to gauge how she feels, if she wants to rage and scream at him or be held by him, and with her he never quite knows.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She stays in the doorway for a long moment. It's hard to know what to do or say and all her feelings are still mixed up no matter how much she tries to press the rage and hurt down. Her nails are done up again into perfect little spikes, a rememberance of her attack on the Ininiate she's told, and honestly she's afraid blood might spill if she lets herself rage and dig in her nails like she might have done before. She shouldn't be so upset. She knows how these things are for him, were for him, she knows the depth of his feelings about culling. A low shuddery breath and she fixates on the only thing in the room that hasn't caused her some manner of pain.

"Lusus white." Was that a shitty thing to say? Bringing up lusii when his was not even here--she shook her head, "Kankri...I'm sorry."

[69problems]

White was really the only choice. He'd never had a normal lusus, but it had seemed almost wiggler-like to get a jade one, and white was the color non-trolls should be.

"You have nothing at all to be sorry for. None of what happened was your fault," he says gently. It's amazing how she can do that, make him overflow with pity with just a few simple words.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She smiles, a thin nervous smile. Her nails dug into her palms as she took a few steps inside his room and shut the door. For all her self preparation and all the pity in his words, she still feels the prickle of hurt betrayal. Guilt overwhelms and genuine concern--such a terrible thing.

"It was...screwed up. What he did. How I reacted. Selfish."

[69problems]

He shakes his head, sitting up and setting the tribble aside next to him (it coos softly, seemingly not at all bothered by being moved around).

"No. No, Meulin, you weren't selfish. I shouldn't have... you shouldn't have had to see that. I shouldn't have done it. It was cowardly."

He looks down at his hands. He has to explain, somehow. "I just wanted so badly to get out."

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She wants to rush to his side and her hands twitch to reach for him. But something holds her back and her thin smile fades.

"Kankri...no, I understand. I do. I watched it."

She clasps her hand behind her back.

"I know, it's okay."

[tis_allgood]

Cuthbert has been riding the elevator down to 1 far too often, even if he ends up going right back up to his district without even leaving the elevator. Which is how he ends up running into the Disciple.

"I'm sorry to see thee back, but at least you returned in one piece. Going to the first floor?"

He doesn't know her well, but he's familiar enough with other trolls to know she's probably not alright. Not that he has any room to judge, Cuthbert looks like he's been through his share of hell lately as well. He doesn't even have a smile to spare for her, which for him is downright wrong.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She just nods. It's silent for a moment before she can ask. She saw Karkat and Cuthbert on the television between all the coverage. Her fingers dig into the edges of her sleeves as she looks at the elevator slowly going down.

"Karkat is Signless' moirail. I thought he might be there with him--It's hard to tell whether one will go to the other." She might be speaking at the elevator door for all her expression changes.

[tis_allgood]

"Hard to tell where Karkat will go at all. But he loves Sai Signless and I don't doubt the two of them will be together, when you do find them."

There's only a little bitterness in his words, he's too tired to really be angry at the moment. And he's had more than enough time to face the fact that Karkat is confusing and infuriating most of the time. It seems Karkat may come by it honestly, if people who are close to Signless feel the same way about him.

"I am sorry. That I couldn't be more help. Or any help."

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She latches on to that little bit of bitterness, deep in her heart, where she feels neglected. Signless didn't come to her. Karkat obviously didn't come to Cuthbert--whatever quadrant they were in. It's almost reassuring.

"I'll find him." She turns to look at him straight on, a little surprised by his apology, "You couldn't have done anything. Everything went to--well...everything happened after your death."

[tis_allgood]

"It was a poor death."

He's actually feeling a little better telling her. There's not a lot of people he can confide in who are both removed enough to not be condescending and close enough to sort of care.

"I do think he loves thee. He told me as much before you even arrived."

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

"A poor death?" She shakes her head, "We can't expect every death to be valiant...or mean anything. Not with this place, right?"

Then it's not her fault that she died so poorly as well. Though she feels her nails dig into her palm--She doesn't want to think about her death. Abruptly she changes the subject.

"Oh--I know. That he loves me. I'll find him and things will work out."

A low pause, "Is it too prying to ask after your quadrants? Particularly Karkat, what is it there?"