thecapitol | It's a symbol without meaning.

Entry tags:

It's a symbol without meaning.

Who: Sandy and you
What: She's back from the arena and doesn't like what she sees
Where: District 12 common area.
When: After the arena
Warnings: TW: Self harm, child suffering, mentions of violence and death...all pretty standard hunger games.

The District 12 suite may have had plenty of residents but without Effie it seemed cold and empty.

Sandy had awoken to a clean room as she always did. Her paintings were removed from the walls and ceilings again.

Normally she would start painting right away, to get all the demons and nightmares out of her head. But today felt different. Today she rose and shuffled over to the mirror to see who would be looking back at her.

Pale and thin, the same way she'd arrived. Brushing back her bangs she saw the brand as clear as day. The Capitol logo, the perfect circle. A mark of ownership and weakness.

She hated it. It made her stomach twist with self loathing.

She brought her hands up and scratched at it leaving deep red marks through the middle. Something about the way it burned felt good to her. It felt like defiance. She scratched again, and again till the red grew darker and her forehead felt like fire.

She needed something more. Something that would really disfigure the symbol. Before she knew what she was doing her arm lashed out knocking a gaudy looking lamp from the desk. When it shattered her desperate fingers groped through the wreckage and found a long thin piece that came to a point.

Perfect.

With trembling fingers and wide eyes she pulled back her bangs once more and attacked her forehead with the glass, slicing clean through the circle from the top left to the bottom right. Then the opposite side making a perfect X. Then down the center of the X. Then across.

By this point blood and tears were running down her face and dripping onto the vanity. She had to grope for tissues to wipe it from her face but the thin paper wasn't enough though and she grabbed for a shirt out of her wardrobe.

With her tools at hand she resumed her work while her breathing became ragged and her skin darkened with flush. A shine of sweat mingled with the tears and blood as evidence of the effort it was taking her to continue. When the pain became more then she could handle the glass fell from her fingers and she let out a pathetic whimpering cry.

Looking into the mirror she saw blood and fear. She was looking into the eyes of the monster Penny as blood gushed from a stomach wound. She'd learned how painful and deadly a stomach wound could be, but once she'd buried the knife in Penny the first time she couldn't stop herself from doing it again and again. By the time she'd stopped stabbing penny she was covered in the woman's blood.

The memory faded and Sandy realized she was looking at her own blood, not Penny's.

She's gone...she can't hurt anyone ever again.

She would take a shower, clean her fresh wounds and pull a hat on to hide it from others.

She didn't deserve their pity or worry after so many failures.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Mindy's eyes narrowed. They were cold, and she shoved the girl back, but there was an instant of something else that was there: pain. She wouldn't have said it aloud, but two girls who were younger than her being killed in her stead was a pretty low blow, and even being reminded of that burned her.

"You died a million times. Clem WON her run and still didn't get immunity. She wouldn't hurt a fucking fly. So yeah, from where I was looking, I WAS avenging someone I couldn't protect, but thanks so fucking much for reminding me I suck at that. Makes me regret not fucking killing her for YOU."

She snickered. "Then why are you bleeding again?"

Sandy took the shove surprisingly well not budging an inch.

"It's none of your business." She snapped keeping her eyes on Mindy's just like Pruna had taught her.

"And what the hell does it matter how many times I've died? Should Pruna have dropped me because I'm used to dying? Would you have fought her over that too ? Because it sounds like you 're saying Clementine deserved to live more then I did!"

The shouting was drawing the attention of some D12 staff but Sandy ignored their stares.

"I'm saying that you're going to fucking support her no matter what, so it really doesn't matter what I say, does it? You didn't fucking care she died, so good on you, but I fucking did! Yeah, when it comes down to it? Pruna and I were going to fucking fight, because I care about you and Clem, so get off my back about it! I took things personal, like you would!"

It made her mad, to admit that it got personal, that SHE didn't do her impartial part, but what the fuck did Sandy want from her. Her eyes were blooshot, and they were red too-clearly, something had happened that facilitated her coming here.

"And sit down already, that's going to bleed over, which is my fucking business! I don't even know what the hell you did it for, what's the fucking point?!"

It happened before Sandy had even realized what she was doing. Her hand was balled into a fist and cracked into Mindy's face at full speed. She was shocked the hit had actually found it's mark let alone that she'd done it. The words came so easily out of her anger.

" Don't you EVER say that I don't care when one of my friends dies you fucking psycho. I don't care what's going on in that stupid head of yours but I already forgave you for killing Pruna once for no reason! Now you owe me !"

Breathing heavy her eyes were dark like a thunderstorm and she cleaned the blood off her forehead with the back of her sleeve.

"Don't lose sight of who the real enemy is here." She added in a growl.

Ow. Ow ow OW that hurt, and normally, Mindy would not have wasted time with words and gone straight for the girl's throat. Instead, she lowered her head to Sandy, glaring.

"I didn't KILL her because of you, you inconsiderate bitch. And you know, maybe I am crazy for bothering, but I did give a damn. No one's calling me crazy because of what I did. It was just stupid. But at least you're learning to fight on your own!"

She spat the last part out angrily, wiping her lip. Great, she was bleeding now.

"I never have." She was quiet. "I don't have an extra mentor because of that, remember?"

"Oh gee thanks for not killing my best friend a second time." Sandy snarled back not giving up any ground.

"Normal people don't expect to be praised for NOT killing people. You went after Pruna for choosing me over a girl she didn't know. And what would it have accomplished if you HAD killed her huh? Would it make you feel better? Would it have made anything better then if you had just walked away and grieved?"

"Yeah, you were so fucking grateful," Mindy replied, wiping her mouth. Damn it, still bleeding. "It's almost as if I understood I shouldn't be fighting her or something stupid like that. But how could that happen? According to you, I'm a fucking psycho, right?"

She'd said that enough times about herself, but she had to admit, it actually hit home coming from someone she actually liked.

Sandy folded her arms over her chest in defiance, clearly not buying it.

"So if you knew you shouldn't be fighting her then why did you start? And why didn't you stop till Dave threw that trash can?"

"There are things called heat of the moment, Sandy. When you see someone you care about fucking killed, you react. Normal people would react. When you see that shit happen after you missed killing the asshole that shot your friend and you're half crazy from lack of sleep and torture, it all gets mashed into a big, ugly mess, and you know what? Maybe you DO want the revenge, a thing to focus on, where shit starts to make sense. Nothing else in the Arena really does."

"Ah HA!" That shook Sandy from her stoic glare with a shout of triumph.

"So you admit it! You screwed up and shouldn't have done it!"

Revenge was something Sandy had become intimately aware of, and all this shouting about it had brought her attention back to Mindy's branding. Mindy was another person that Sandy's revenge scheme had hurt. But she couldn't tell her.

Because of Sandy being overwhelmed the same way Mindy had been, so many people had gotten hurt.

The thought was enough to take the steam out of her and once again she felt exhausted. Her forehead was throbbing and everything felt heavier. She turned to retreat into her room making no motion to stop Mindy from following her.

Mindy just stared at her. "What, did you think we were racking up points or something? No, I shouldn't have personified my rage on Pruna. Did she fucking deserve it after killing Clem? Fuck yeah, don't feel bad about it. I know she doesn't."

Mindy never EVER liked admitting she screwed up Sandy. That wasn't going to change.

She followed, of course. "Wait, let me treat that fucking cut. You look like you went full butcher on it."

"It's not about points, it's about me knowing that at least you see where you screwed up so maybe next time you won't act like an idiot."

Even if it was perfectly justified, Sandy did not want to think that one of the most skilled people in her age group was every bit as over emotional and stupid as she was.

"You'd be telling me off if I had lost my temper and started a fight that didn't need to happen." She added, at least hoping Mindy would do that. After all could any of them really afford to be fighting each other right now?

As for the wound she tensed again starting to grow irritated with Mindy's frighteningly accurate guesses. Even covered by a hat and a bandage Mindy somehow had made the logical leap that Sandy had inflicted it on herself. Either that or Mindy was making guesses that would put a psychic to shame.

"The scab probably just came open again because you were making me mad." She tried to brush Mindy off again and swept to the vanity near her closet to dab the blood from her face with tissues.

Now Mindy was starting to get pissed. "I'm not a fucking God, and as far as I'm concerned, acting like that is a reaction anyone would have. You really think if you saw someone throwing your friend down to die, your reaction would be 'well, that was bound to happen, oh well?' No, you'd be angry, and if you had the strength, you'd fight. What kind of goddamn monster do you think I am that I wouldn't care Clementine died? If I didn't care, I WOULD be a fucking psycho. Don't fucking tell me I shouldn't have cared, because I did. Before this shit, Clem was helping me keep an eye on the seven year old kid and her friend. So forgive me if I cared about her fucking dying and wanting to make whoever did it pay!"

This was such BULLSHIT!

"The scab opened because you were trying to gouge your face of the mark. What, you think that didn't occur to me too?" She didn't go, just started rummaging for rubbing alcohol.

Sandy waited patiently for Mindy to finish her ranting retort and glowered as the other girl helped herself to the room looking for rubbing alcohol.

"Of course I would care, I tried to kill you didn't I?" She pointed out peeling off her hat so it wouldn't get any blood on it. The bright white bandage Pruna had put there was still crisp and clean despite the trickle of blood that had given her away.

"But you're not me. You're Mindy Macready! You've been trained. You've killed real bad guys. You're supposed to be smarter and stronger then me. I'm just a kid who never learned to fight till this stupid place. You were training to be who you are way longer."

"You'd be amazed at what torture, losing an eye, getting no sleep and seeing your friends die will do to you," Mindy replied. "Even an adult would have a fucking problem with that. I'll even flip it. Say Joel came by and saw Pruna push Ellie to her death. Now, Joel's, what, in his late thirties or something, he's an adult, mature and all of that. He sees his kid go off a cliff, what do you think he's gonna do?"

She was already reapplying the alcohol carefully, looking at the cut, screwing up her face. "So...how did this happen?"

"I dunno, would Joel kill a little girl?" Sandy shot back idly. She didn't know Joel or why it would matter to him what happened to Ellie.

As for the scar she had gone through so many emotions in the last few hours that she couldn't bring herself to lie.

"I got sick of looking at it. I didn't want to be wearing their symbol like they've beaten me. So I fucked it up."

She'd already been cleaned by Pruna once but she was eyeing the rubbing alcohol warily.

"Depends on how it happened. He'd be pretty murderous about it though: Ellie is the closest thing he has to a kid. Clem is...I dunno, I like her. She's sweet and scrappy and shit like that. She gets kind of a raw deal, being turned into shit she hates, winning the Arena and not being a mentor, then thrown down a ravine or whatever."

Not that their deaths were all too nice.

"Yeah," she said, making a face. "I understand that. More than you know. Still can't sleep right these days. Like some fucked up PTSD."

Sandy sighed and closed her eyes feeling even more exhausted then when she had woken up.

"I used to complain about my home being unfair but this place takes it to a whole 'nother level."

After a pause she added, keeping her eyes closed.

"I don't care how upset you get, Pruna's a good person and the only reason she dropped Clem is because she didn't know Clementine. She's the most loyal person I've ever met."

Sandy would just ignore the secret that Pruna had attempted to kill her rather then let her get arrested again. That was still in itself an act of friendship.

"It's not Pruna's fault we're in these situations. And we don't get to go crazy or break down. The adults already don't trust us to help with anything. We're lucky any of them even train with us."

Reaching up to rub at her head she could already hear the noise starting up again. It had been quieted down by her fight with Mindy but now that they were settling down it was like there was a crowd of screaming voices in her brain all telling her to do different things. She couldn't focus on any of them for long without another one butting in.

"We gotta be better then this. All of us."

Mindy laughed. "Sandy, I hate to break it to you, but Pruna is definitely not a good person. I don't know if that's what you tell yourself, but come on. I've been watching the same tapes as you. I saw what she did to that Fenton kid and plenty of others. At the very least, Pruna is like me, and I sure as hell don't think I'm a good person. But that's love for you, I guess."

It made you blind, that was for sure. But at least if Sandy fell for anyone, it was a girl like Pruna. She was bound to keep you safe. Mindy didn't doubt the girl was loyal.

"Fuck that. The adults are not the be all and end all of this place: they're as caged as we are, they just have experience. There are teens you can train with too, you know. I'm already going to be doing that."

Don't get to crazy? That was a good one.

"Do we? Huh. I guess that's to fight against what the Arena is? Well, I'll tell you something, Sandy: you better remember this advice you gave me. If there comes a time they take Pruna away, that's what they'll be going for. The torture we got, that was the warm up. Hell, I bet they never found out who killed that bitch."

Sandy was clearly not impressed as she brought up a single unenthusiastic hand with her middle finger extended.

"Would it kill you to just once agree with me? Maybe trust my opinions?" She groaned fed up with Mindy's contrition.

"Seriously do you act like you know better then everybody or am I a special case?"

"I dunno, you're always such a bitch about it," Mindy replied, but she couldn't hide the smile on her face.

"If I can't win an argument with goddamn Harley Quinn, you can't with me, all right. But obviously you're special, or I would have kicked your ass for the punch. I made Eponine eat the dirt just for spitting at me."

"Yay." Sandy twirled her finger in the air with a lack of enthusiasm.

"I don't know why you think I'm special when all I do is point out when you make stupid choices. Am I the only person who does that? Or am I the only one who keeps forgiving you for making the stupid choices and fighting with her best friend? Because right now I'm just tired and confused."

"What? No, plenty of people tell me that shit and I don't care about that. But I think of you as a friend, and as you've noticed, those get fewer ans fewer by the day. The Capitol has a tendency of killing them on me. That girl I was trying to save, she's already gone, and it was her first Arena...and one in my district, she's gone too. She was Ellie's special friend."

Ah yes, nothing like counting down the list of people you'd lost. Sandy's grew more every month to the point that for awhile she considered just not introducing herself to new people.

"Well it's not like it's your fault they died." Sandy objected "You may be their mentor but you're not all powerful. Even the gods they brought in are just people now." She presumed Mindy was feeling guilty about all those lost tributes because...well the guilt was inevitable.

It still didn't excuse the fact that Mindy had gone after Pruna pointlessly but clearly that argument was lost.

This was pretty much becoming a normal thing for Mindy too, although it made it worse for her, knowing that she wasn't the most social person in the world.

"They were in my stead, and think about what my line of work was. If you're the mentor, the most experienced person, and you have a crew, you feel responsible anyway. So when you start seeing them dying around you, and you KNOW what you do, its not something you duck responsibility out of."

Let it go Sandy, that argument was going nowhere.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject