thecapitol | It's a symbol without meaning.

Entry tags:

It's a symbol without meaning.

Who: Sandy and you
What: She's back from the arena and doesn't like what she sees
Where: District 12 common area.
When: After the arena
Warnings: TW: Self harm, child suffering, mentions of violence and death...all pretty standard hunger games.

The District 12 suite may have had plenty of residents but without Effie it seemed cold and empty.

Sandy had awoken to a clean room as she always did. Her paintings were removed from the walls and ceilings again.

Normally she would start painting right away, to get all the demons and nightmares out of her head. But today felt different. Today she rose and shuffled over to the mirror to see who would be looking back at her.

Pale and thin, the same way she'd arrived. Brushing back her bangs she saw the brand as clear as day. The Capitol logo, the perfect circle. A mark of ownership and weakness.

She hated it. It made her stomach twist with self loathing.

She brought her hands up and scratched at it leaving deep red marks through the middle. Something about the way it burned felt good to her. It felt like defiance. She scratched again, and again till the red grew darker and her forehead felt like fire.

She needed something more. Something that would really disfigure the symbol. Before she knew what she was doing her arm lashed out knocking a gaudy looking lamp from the desk. When it shattered her desperate fingers groped through the wreckage and found a long thin piece that came to a point.

Perfect.

With trembling fingers and wide eyes she pulled back her bangs once more and attacked her forehead with the glass, slicing clean through the circle from the top left to the bottom right. Then the opposite side making a perfect X. Then down the center of the X. Then across.

By this point blood and tears were running down her face and dripping onto the vanity. She had to grope for tissues to wipe it from her face but the thin paper wasn't enough though and she grabbed for a shirt out of her wardrobe.

With her tools at hand she resumed her work while her breathing became ragged and her skin darkened with flush. A shine of sweat mingled with the tears and blood as evidence of the effort it was taking her to continue. When the pain became more then she could handle the glass fell from her fingers and she let out a pathetic whimpering cry.

Looking into the mirror she saw blood and fear. She was looking into the eyes of the monster Penny as blood gushed from a stomach wound. She'd learned how painful and deadly a stomach wound could be, but once she'd buried the knife in Penny the first time she couldn't stop herself from doing it again and again. By the time she'd stopped stabbing penny she was covered in the woman's blood.

The memory faded and Sandy realized she was looking at her own blood, not Penny's.

She's gone...she can't hurt anyone ever again.

She would take a shower, clean her fresh wounds and pull a hat on to hide it from others.

She didn't deserve their pity or worry after so many failures.

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Sandy was glad that Mindy observed how fucked up her being more comfortable in the arena was. Because even if some of Sandy's respected mentors were like that.

"Sheesh, the way you say it, it sounds like your tributes are more worried about the Capitol then themselves." her blond brows knitted in confusion. Was that how it was like in the other districts? Were mentors just there to take up space and cause trouble for their own tributes?

If so, Sandy lucked out with Peeta and Katniss.

Mindy didn't like the idea of being comfortable in a place like this. Senseless killing was awful, but actually being complacent in this fucking place was way worse of an idea to her.

"I don't know what you mean. My tributes are worried about dying, like any of the other tributes. A mentor is going to be different depending on their temperament. My way of doing things will be different from, I don't know, Azula's, and down the line. They'll take to being a mentor different too, of course."

Well that made sense, but it still left her questioning Mindy's methods if her tributes were yelling at her as often or more then Sandy did.

"Least you can't get fired if they don't win." As if that was any small comfort.

"If you could go back and do it differently would you? Or would you still win to prove Eva wrong?"

Obviously only Sandy did that. Her tributes needed Mindy's encouragement, not the other way around.

"Considering its a thankless job, doesn't really register."

She looked over at Sandy. "Nah, I don't think so. Even if I know what I know now, I'd still go whole hog. It was never only just about Eva. It was about me too."

Sandy thought about pointing out the least she could have done is say she wouldn't have messed with Pruna and by proxy Sandy, but that was just another in a long line of never ending arguments that they would never come to terms on. Maybe Sandy was learning to let things go...or maybe she just didn't have the energy for it.

"I'm sure the rest of your tributes appreciate it. Without you'd they'd only have Quinn."

It WAS better that they didn't go down that road, if only because when it came down to it, Mindy respected both of the girls for different reasons. In any case, she was long since tired of arguing herself. It tended to divert attentions from the real sons of bitches in power to begin with.

"Harley is...a good mentor, but she's also unpredictable and crazy. It's kind of her thing. It's probably why we work so well together: I'm that way in a completely different way. You'll appreciate it yourself if you ever become a mentor one day. Hopefully things will change before then."

"Not exactly high on my wish list. The only reason I'd want that job is to be out of the arenas."

And as far as mentors went, what could Sandy do that Katniss and Peeta weren't already better at?

"I figured that would be the case. But think about it: someday there might be some tributes in your district younger than you. I'm sure Katniss and Peeta are great, but having someone closer to your age always helps."

Not that she was hoping they ever sent anyone as young as Chibi Usa again.

"Pretty sure Pruna is already younger then me." Sandy countered but Mindy's point was made.

"It would be nice though if I just didn't need to." She fell into silence because what more was there to say on the subject? This entire situation sucked hard and they were caught up in the current for now.

All Sandy could do was drift along till the next time she found solid ground to plant her feet on and challenge the flow.

"You and I know that 'younger' doesn't just mean in age," Mindy reminded her. "Pruna can take care of herself. Not every kid here has the same killer instinct she does, that's rare. It's why a mentor who is strong and smart even though this isn't something that comes natural is easier to relate to."

She had seen this firsthand, obviously.

"Yeah, well. Would be nice if I didn't know that dad was around here somewhere, holed up for whatever reason. They don't let us define the terms of the cage, just put us in it."

"And they still haven't told you anything about him? They haven't even made a threat or told you if he's still alive?"

It was a little blunt of her to just say that and imply he's probably dead, but Sandy assumed Mindy had already dealt with the idea of that. After all apparently he'd died before, would it be better or worse to deal with it a second time?

Sandy hoped she never had to find out.

Mindy shook her head. "I wonder if they're just holding out when it comes to him. They want to see if they can get something from me so long as they hold his safety over my head. That just seems like the kind of shit they do, you know? Otherwise, what reason would they have to keep him alive in the first place?"

Better question: why the fuck even BRING him at all? He was dead, what was the point in them doing that? She guessed it was for the publicity, but since when did the Capitol care about looking good?

As for him being dead, it was a possibility that Mindy wanted to put on hold: the idea of having to say no say in what happened to him again was too awful to think about.

Sandy puzzled over it for a few moments more then groaned and buried her face in her hands to rub the tension out.

"Maybe I'm just not old enough to understand government stuff...but alot of what they do just doesn't make sense anymore. I mean at least when I first got here they could kind of BS an explanation for why we were suffering. Now they don't even bother."

Mindy was quiet for a moment. She had puzzled over this herself, but talking about what Stephen had told her was dangerous territory: they could be overheard, or worse, interrogated all over again. Mindy had held out as long as she had because, obviously, she had not killed Penny. But if they had specifically known what she knew, they might torture her for THAT.

It was not an experience she wanted to relive anytime soon.

"Times change, I guess. What's the point of hiding the things you do when no one can do a damn thing about it in the first place?"

Sandy nodded in agreement.

"They don't think they have anything to fear so they don't even put up a front."

Which was frightening in itself.

"It's dumb to let your guard down, if that's what their doing then we're either really screwed, or things are looking up."

"They'll just always say that they do the best for us, and of course we don't die permanently, so what's the harm, right?" That sounded more bitter than she wanted, but she also didn't care anymore. "Besides, if you think about it, we're the only hope of the Panem citizens: the more they see us abused, the more it reminds them they can't do anything to help themselves."

She cracked her neck. "So in a way, it really always comes down to us."

"Sheesh, no pressure."

But were the people really that helpless? Maybe in stead of being reminders for everything they couldn't do...maybe the tributes were meant to remind them what they could do if they put their mind to it and made some sacrifices.

But when they had so little who could ask them for more?

"Like you needed me to tell you that."

She smirked. Mindy, of course, had been thinking the very thing Sandy was now. This was the unspoken thing that was in the air: this WAS their job, their REAL Arena, not the bullshit they were running for the Capitol. That was just the show.

The real fight would be the one that took place in the hearts and minds of the citizens of Panem.

"In the meantime...feel like doing some kid related stuff? I could use the break."

"Nope." Her answer was abrupt and solid. This was something she would not be swayed on.

"I'm not moving from this bed except for Pruna."

She thought about thanking Mindy for having stopped by, but reminded herself she hadn't wanted to see Mindy, and Mindy hadn't really apologized so there wasn't much to thank her for. That bitter thought was smothered down by a voice that sounded something like Effie reminding her how important it was to swallow your feelings and practice good manners.

"Thanks for worrying about me. I'll be fine."

The scars on her forehead left that to be highly suspect. But what could they do?

She could feel the strain in her answer, and it was a pain to admit, it hurt. She didn't have too many people she trusted, or that she cared about, so this was a slight on her.

Not that Mindy would let that show.

"Sure you will," she said, her voice empty of emotion. "Take care."

She turned, quietly steeling herself. She'd be all right. That was just how these things happened.

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It's a symbol without meaning.

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