thecapitol | A neverending tunnel

Entry tags:

A neverending tunnel

WHO| Mindy, open
WHAT| Total brooding and evaluation of life choices here.
WHEN| Week 5
WHERE| Training room and the tower
WARNINGS/NOTES Mindy, so good amount of swearing, thoughts/talk of deaths

The riot should have been the easiest thing. What did Mindy want more than burning, breaking, smashing and shooting any living thing she could spy with her eyes? It should have been like putting on a second skin, and really, it would have been, had she stayed in the Capitol. She'd have finally had her chance to show the Capitol what she really thought of them and all the shit they'd put her through all this time.

Then, of course, they tortured her and right after that, threw her into the Arena. After a temporary good time with some friends, she watched each of them die, even the ones she'd sworn to protect, right down to Ellie, her bestie, and getting killed herself by some murdering cyclops bitch.

And then, back here, where Eva fucking pulls a black out on the Capitol, something Mindy could not stop but admire. The sheer bitchitude she showed, her treachery for the Capitol, only to fuck them balls deep in the ass for three hours.

But that, obviously, spelled Eva's end, and knowing Eva, she wouldn't go for some spectacle execution where they disemboweled her or gunned her down after torture. No, she'd die alone, private, and that was that.

And here she was, three hours of madness in her hands, and she....fumbled. Those memories, that self hatred dragged on her, pushed her down and she doubted herself and everything around her. She wanted to burn things and cause mayhem but for the first time in her life, she feared the pain.

Well, not entirely accurate. She didn't want anymore, not right away for fucks sake. She was still having nightmares of her torture, only now she had to deal with dead Hotaru and Chibi Usa floating around in her dream, along with Ellie falling through ice. It was only the Arena, she knew that, but that didn't stop her smothered yelling, her body taut as the pain came again, swallowing screams and breaking into closed mouth sobs she suppressed. She began to lock her room and not sleep (again). She was in her room, and honestly?

She could use the company.

_

Now numbness was replaced with anger. Chibi Usa was gone, which made her angry, but was doable. She didn't want a girl that young watching people scream and die. But Riley. She was in her district. She was a friend. She was ELLIE'S...something (girlfrined? Friend with benefits? Main girl?), and now she was dead. Again.

Shittiness. At least Ellie had closure, even if it was in the most fucked up way possible.

So Mindy's frustrations went into her obstacle course, jumping through rings, punching bags, seeing how much further she could jump. Her body was tight, screaming at her, and this, after all this time, was comforting now. She was sweaty, bruised, but all by her own hands.

She felt, at least, like herself again, concentrating on how pissed she was.

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"I never would want all this bullshit to happen to her if I could help it," Mindy said, sighing. "Killing to protect herself, snapping necks if she needed to, of course. But losing it in the Arena, getting ripped apart? No."

Seeing how she was taken out was chilling enough, and she didn't resist the head stroking.

"Well of course, because killing in self defense is easier to cope with for some people. And some people would rather die first. Who can say where she stands on it anymore?"

Who'd have thought that Harley Quinn made such a comforting force?

"I'm more concerned with what happens to her once she's back in the Capitol," Mindy said. "What is she going to do when she's in the Arena? Sure, she's got Pruna, for whatever the hell is happening there, but how is she going to adjust back to not running on adrenaline?"

Edited 2014-10-11 23:00 (UTC)

Harley shrugged in a very unhelpful way.

"Well she might find healthy ways to cope like painting, reading books, or training in the training hall." She reasoned and then offered a teasing smile.

"Or she might become a masked vigilante leaping from rooftop to rooftop righting wrongs and risking her life for a thrill."

"She was doing that already," Mindy pointed out, "and that was before they took away people who were helping to keep her sane. Pruna is a great protector and all, but she was bred to do the shit she does. Sandy wasn't. So yeah, I don't want her to lose it."

She laughed. "That's fucked up. A masked vigilante wouldn't last in a place like this."

"Eh, probably not." She chuckled.

"Well who else does she have in her life other then you and Pruna? Her mentors? Her stylist? Maybe some other friends? After all it's important to have a support system in times like this and if you and Pruna are all she has...well..." She made a gesture that clearly said it was anybodies ball game.

"If they could..." She rolled her eyes.

"Well, I guess. There's other people of course, and god knows people watch over her since she's one of the kids. I just hope they get to her in time, before something breaks in her."

Another gentle cuddle and Harley half drags her somewhere to sit and relax.

"Well what did you do last time she hated you to get her to like you again?" She pressed hopeful.

"Fucked if I know. We're...we're one of the really few kids around here, I guess, and we look out for each other. In the end, she sorta understood I wasn't doing what I did foe me, it was for her. I wanted her to be ok. Nothing's really changed from that, actually.

Mindy put her head on Harley's arm.It was good to have a little hope. She didn't want to lose Sandy to whatever this was.

Harley couldn't help but laugh softly.

"You're such a good girl under all that anti-hero bullcrap. At the end of the day all you want is for the people you care about to be happy, healthy and safe. No matter what the cost." Harley gave her a gentle squeeze.

"Your true colors aren't nearly as murky and grey as you think."

"It's kind of hard to have a cool, fuck you persona when everyone is in the same fucking boat as you," Mindy protested. "Not even a reason for me to wear a mask: they'd know who it was. It's impossible to blend in, and being an anti-hero just means you'll do things that fucking regular heroes won't. It doesn't mean you're not good."

Granted, Mindy certainly didn't think she WAS good, whether she said that or not.

"And that's where you're wrong. I mean, look at Eva: she was murky as fuck, and pissed me off for good measure. But are either one of us gonna say, however murky she was, that she didn't have good intentions?"

"Well of course not." Harley smirked before tapping Mindy on the nose with a finger.

"But are you about to sacrifice Sandy to save a bunch of other lives?"

Because she's almost positive Eva would have slit Eponine's throat herself if it meant accomplishing her goals.

Mindy was quiet there. Another day, she would have said YES, duh-people not dying was better than one single person dying, it made goddamn sense. At least, it would make sense if she never knew Sandy.

"Then maybe I HAVE gotten soft. Maybe that's why Eva didn't want me around to fuck up her shit. I can't stay focused on the end result."

It echoed a lie, of course, but at this point Mindy was intensely starting to hate her actions as of late.

"I don't think you're getting soft." She soothed with a gentle voice and stroking Mindy's head.

"I think you're growing up. And that means you can't look at things in black and white anymore. that's what kids do. Even if you never had a childhood you still have alot of mental and emotional development points to hit before you're a fully formed adult."

Her arms wrapped around Mindy again and gave a squeeze.

"Don't grow up too fast, but don't be afraid of who you're becoming."

"It...it isn't that. Just that anyway."

She turned from Harley, the hug not being pushed away, but feeling more and more isolated. "Things were easier when I didn't care about shit like this: people, or friends or fucking arguments about stupid shit that have nothing to do with getting the fuck out of here! I actually argued with Eponine instead of pounding her fucking face to the ground for being a tempermental shithead! What am I, in high school?"

Her voice was raising higher. "So I'm just HERE, coasting by, and I feel worthless if I'm keeping cover but now they're onto me and they can just torture me and for fucks sake, I couldn't even bounce back because they fucking got in my head!"

This last reveal actually made Mindy pitch a vase against the door, because thinking about it made her sick with shame, but it was tolerable when she kept that shit inside. Out in the open, she felt frustrated, rageful. Useless.

Harley let the sharp smash settle on the air for a moment and leaned back on the sofa with a sigh.

"Yeah me too."

It wasn't exactly something she liked to reflect on. Other peoples problems were easier then hers.

"But that's the thing isn't it? We change because we have to. Look at me am I as crazy or violent or selfish as the comics paint me out to be?" She gestured to herself.

"If this were my world on my terms I'd have this place running backwards and upside down in a month. But I can't be as crazy here because they shoot to kill. They don't take too many chances and we've used up most of our good will." Another tap to her cheek.

"And just when I thought they couldn't break my spirits They march Bruce Wayne, four of his sons, his daughter, Wonder Woman and some other random Gotham girl through here and each one of them bites it permanently. A few of them didn't even last two arenas." She groaned and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Humans are where we are as a species because we can evolve and adapt. We roll with the punches and let the world effect us. If we were the same no matter what life put in our path we'd stagnate and die."

At least that's how she looked at it.

"I don't like being their goddamn TOY," Mindy said darkly, looking at her hands. "I have to deal with killing people in a fucking arena who don't have a choice, so I run their fucking maze so they can find a way to fuck with me later, then fucking torture my ass and call me a traitor because their cunt of a psychopath gets killed! Oh fuck, Harley, I wanted to, but what could I do? I'm here. I can't do shit. But they take me anyway and...and I get days of electrocution and fucking beating and they throw me back in the spiders pit again after they trademark my fucking face!"

All of the anger, the resentment, the bitter bitter reflection she kept to herself was pouring out, and fuck, what she wouldn't give for a FIGHT, a real one with punches and kicks and no interruptions. Something to make her remember she had a choice, that pain was temporary, not lasting in her head like their torture.

"I fucking know, Harls. I'm sorry. I don't...fuck, I don't want to think and play goddamn video games and arcade games or whatever else these fucking people think little kids do! How am I even supposed to be a little kid in this place?! So what, I can play fucking bumper cars and watch movies and laugh while ignoring people fucking getting flayed and avoxed? Or what, be like Clem and be cute so all the adults can feel bad and hug me but not be fucking around when I get killed in the Arena? This place, these people, we're chips, nothing more! Don't get more human than that!"

Harley sighed near the end of Mindy's rant. She knew how important it was to get all that off her chest so she didn't stop her. But at the end she stood up and moved closer to Mindy.

"We're not chips. And we're not toys. We're not helpless either. If we weren't a threat to them they wouldn't even bother trying to manipulate us they would just lock us in boxes and let us out when it's playtime."

Putting a hand on either side of Mindy's face she made their eyes meet.

"The only way you can be a kid is to do it the way that feels right for you. So yeah play video games, crash in bumper cars and eat too much junk food. But you're still training and protecting people as best you can because that's who you are. Not some comic book hero and not some tragic victim. You're Mindy Fucking Macready, the most dangerous pre-teen I've ever met. They can shake you, they can knock you down and even crack you. But if they break you then ole' Harley will just have to put the pieces back together. And it won't be smooth and it won't be perfect...but you'll still be your father's daughter and that's gonna have to be enough to hold onto for now."

It was almost embarrassing, that she needed the pep talk, that she couldn't lift herself out of this herself. But she would admit it to herself, that she'd been dealing with this in her head so long that eventually, someone needed to help dig her out of it a little bit. Dad wasn't here, which meant any mistake she made she blundered into without guidance, without help. Maybe she DID need some of Clem's adult figures, if only to find one that wasn't going to talk down to what she was.

"Eva wouldn't have risked her life if she believed that." She was quiet, her hands clasped. "What I wouldn't do to have had a real fucking conversation with her, no bullshit. Just guesswork now, and that annoying bitch that she left behind. Funny, who dies and who lives. Not even fair, really."

She sighed. "I guess I can fake it. I've still got a few of my friends left, right? Hotaru, Clementine. Ellie, whenever she can get away from fucking Joel. I can start from somewhere. I just...I wish they hadn't brought dad back when they were doing their reunion shit. All I can think about is him these days, and how I'm not anywhere close enough to getting him back."

"You're closer now then you were a week ago." Harley answered in a soft and gentle voice far from her usual one. She took Mindy into her arms again.

"Eva wasn't perfect. If she was she could have opened up to us more and brought us into the fold. But the fact is she had trust issues. And look where it got her in the end? I mean really what was accomplished by her little stunt? Some riots, some fires. Nothing's changed. It was a waste because she didn't feel like she could trust anyone but herself."

"You've got friends. They may be targets, but they also are the ones you need in times like this when you're feeling weak in the knees."

A pause and she added, "And by the way? Why am I not on that list of friends? Just because I'm a little older? So cruel."

Yeah, Harley had a point, but at least Eva had done SOMETHING< and it had at least given them all the opportunity to see what they could REALLY do to the Capitol when they had the know how. Sure, in the end it seemed small, but even small things had a way of snowballing when they had the chance to collect. But she'd keep that to herself for now.

"See?" She mumbled. "In the old days, I would have shoved you off me. Well, maybe, you ARE Harley Quinn, its still insane that I've met you at all to begin with."

She wouldn't, of course. Harley was one of those adult friends she did care and respect.

"I was talking about my kid friends, dumb ass," she said. "I wouldn't put Clem in, say, the same category as Hawkeye."

That was enough to earn Mindy a noogie from Harley while she dragged the girl back to the sofa.

"Well I guess that'll have to do. I may be an adult but I'm still childish at heart." she cackled delighted with herself like no other.

"You fucker!" She groaned. "That's what I do to Clem, don't do that to me! I'm an ADULT!"

No, she was not totally referencing a certain song, what are you talking about?

"I don't know if I consider you an adult yet," Mindy said thoughtfully. "You still know how to have fun and you don't piss me off. Maybe something inbetween."

"Well no wonder neither of us fit in." Harley giggled flopping onto the sofa and dragging Mindy with her to flatten her face with a sofa cushion.

"We're not adults and we're not kids, we're something in between. I'd say teenagers but I think we're not quite that either because we're smarter and don't have acne yet."

Mindy grinned even with a face full of couch cushion and retaliated with a pillow straight to the stomach.

"Yeah, and I can wait for being a teenager. Between Dave and Eponine's drama I don't think I need to have that kind of life!"

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