I picked up the bird and above the din I said "That's the last song you'll ever sing". [OPEN]

[carnagecarnival]

Who| Initiate and OPEN (with special reserved spots for Terezi and whoever else wants to yell at him)

What| Initiate is brooding... It's time to yell at the clown

Where| Up on the rooftop click click click~

When| Now!

Warnings/Notes| Initiate, who is awful. Language. Who knows what else.

Down in the Training Center, the walls are curiously blank and empty. Not a touch of paint done up on them and somewhere, surely, an avox sighs in relief. He hasn't been down there even once since coming back. He hasn't watched the recaps. He hasn't lingered anywhere he thought the others of his kind might be, or even where those he likes might be about on chance he runs into his own kind. He doesn't want to hear it all, he doesn't want to deal with any of them. He did what he had to. It was done. 

Except it wasn't going to be done, now that he was back in capitol, he could feel it. It was never simply done. 

And then he was throwing himself out over the network for either side to take his offer-- just one really-- no idea if all of it was a trick and if he might be hanging himself anyway. He tells himself it's not rebellion. He tells himself, unlike some, he has plans for if by chance they look to those they shouldn't. It doesn't really reassure.

He sighs heavily, runs a hand through his hair, and scowls down at the city below. His arms are rested on the railing surrounding, but they're so thin, if he hadn't already tried throwing something over the edge, he'd think the rail would give way and drop him. Even knowing they can hold, he still feels like any minute they might let him go anyway, damn what he knows. He can't bring himself to move from it.

Comments

[pythianjudgment]

The floors of the Training Center are also devoid of their usual color. Terezi hasn't been down there to draw her own murals, for fear of running into someone that she doesn't know how to talk to right now. Unlike the Initiate, she's been watching the recap, trying to find out what happened in the spaces that she couldn't keep track of. The parts of this drawn-out story that she missed.

She doesn't like what she discovers, but it's for the best, she tells herself. She has to know, in order to understand. And she does understand--or she thinks she does. After spending a solid day shut up in her room and subjecting herself to Capitol television, she needs some fresh air. Some quiet to help her process everything. A long time ago, that was what Peeta had said the roof was good for, right?

Her arrival isn't perfectly quiet. She takes the stairs to avoid running into anyone that might be on the elevator. It's a long trip from the third floor up to the top, and there's too many people in between that she wants to avoid. She's a little winded when she reaches the roof, but no more so than she's used to. The door bangs open in the wind, but she doesn't think much of it. She's not exactly trying to sneak around.

But she stops dead when she notices the other person up here, and she kind of wishes she had given the sneaking thing a second thought.

[carnagecarnival]

He waits a minute or two, hoping whoever's shown up will leave or will at least leave him alone. He wants to believe that this isn't any of the people he's betting it is. He doesn't believe it for a second though. With bitter reluctance, he turns his head and there she is, standing there and at least having the decency to look like she wasn't looking for him.

He waits and waits for her to speak but in his mind, it's too damn long. If it's got to happen he wants it over with. He turns around some, just so his back isn't bared for her, and snaps, "THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, PYROPE?"

[pythianjudgment]

Terezi bristles at the snapping. Inwardly, it feels like a dozen little needles being dug in all over again, but outwardly, she just hunches her shoulders a little. She wasn't looking for him, but now that he's here, she can't just turn around and walk away. She never was good at running away like that.

"Nothing," she responds, and she's not sure how much of it she means. She wants an apology that she knows there's no point in hoping for. She wants him to understand what he did was terrible, but there's not much hope there, either. She wants him to understand how much that hurt her, but there's no way she can just say that. So 'nothing' is just about as much as she's realistically hoping for.

She stands there, not knowing what else to say. There's a million more things left to be said, but how much of it is going to make a difference? She doesn't know.

"Are you happy with yourself?" she asks, finally, her tone carefully neutral. For lack of any place better to start.

[carnagecarnival]

The Initiate watches the way she hunches up like she was struck. The way she goes stiff like she was hurt. They way she doesn't move. His eyes narrow. Coldly, he says, "Do you expect me to be? WOULD IT PLEASE A SISTER TO KNOW?"

He turns around completely, leaning his back against the rail. Anger carries his words along like the easiest damn thing, like blood on a wall.

"You up and know, If a girl didn't want for no thing, a sister wouldn't all be looking like does now, before me. SHE'D BE ALL MAKING LIKE TO LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE. For motherfucking once. BUT NO. She has at a game all to play firstlike don't she? LET'S MOTHERFUCKING HEAR IT THEN."

[pythianjudgment]

"Is that what you think this is? A game?"

She feels her claws dig into her palms, but she doesn't care enough about the pain. His tone hurts more than that. Cold as ice; and every laugh and every smile that she remembers from two months ago feels like a slap in the face. She finds herself wondering how much of that he actually meant, if he could brush it all off so easily now. It makes her feel sick to think about it.

"It has never been a game! Not in there, not out here. There's no--" She struggles to find the words she's looking for, but the inability to define exactly why she's upset. "No Oops, I guess I have to murder your friend because of tangential associations! What made you think that that was the path you had to take? And did it ever cross your mind that you'd be hurting more than just one person? Even for a second?"

[carnagecarnival]

He laughs. Because it's funny. Because it's hilarious. Because he's an eternal fool.

"Oh Pyrope, are you really motherfucking sure up on that?" He sneers. "BECAUSE HE'S PRETTY GODDAMN CERTAIN THAT'S WHAT ALL YOU'VE BEEN DOING. You know, you actually had me fooled for a goddamn moment, does that all bring her joy in her pumper to know? HE ACTUALLY FUCKING BELIEVED YOU WEREN'T MAKING LIKE TO FUCK AROUND."

His arms spread out wide. He wears a joyless grin.

"I wasn't up and aware he was your friend, Pyrope. FUCKING FRANKLY HE WAS UNDER DAMN IMPRESSION THAT MOTHERFUCKER HATED YOU! I must all have missed the warm ass welcomes what all was offered you! I MUST ALL HAVE UP AND IMAGINED THAT THEY FUCKING TREATED YOU LIKE SHIT FOR SOME REASON WHAT I CAN ONLY UP GUESS WAS THAT ALL YOU INEXPLICABLY WANTED TO GET YOUR ASSOCIATION AT WITH MY OWN SELF! He must not have all realised that after they all cast you the fuck aside that he was still worth shit. BUT THERE WE UP GO, WOULD SEEM I WAS MOTHERFUCKING MISTAKEN! But then, if you think that was meant all to be about hurting you, then that all makes motherfucking two, don't it?"

[pythianjudgment]

There's a look of incredulity that hits her face when he accuses her of fucking around. Is that what he thought that was? That she was playing him for--for what, she can't honestly figure out. It doesn't make any sense to her, but the implication makes her anger boil.

"I can't begin to number all the things you're mistaken about. First and foremost being that I have never tried to hurt you. Where the hell would that even get me? My social pariahdom didn't begin and end with you. I wasn't ostracized for befriending you, I was ostracized because I broke a promise and slit Signless's throat. None of which had anything to do with you!" She exhales a bit of her frustration and anger in a short huff, her blind gaze fixed in a solid glare on the other troll.

"And I never claimed that Karkat wasn't my friend. I never said that I hated him, only that he hated me. Which, surprise! Doesn't mean that I kick someone to the curb for being a shit to me! If I did, I wouldn't still be standing up on this roof, now would I?"

[carnagecarnival]

"THEN MAYBE THAT'S WHAT ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING PROBLEM IS LIKE AT TO BE!" He roars. "Who the fuck told you that way a way how all to motherfucking to live? TO SURVIVE? Sister, I could've culled you and you still want at keep my ass around? YOU KNOW HE HATES YOU AND YOU STILL DON'T FUCKING CARE? How can you still want at to hang on? MOTHERFUCKER, THERE AIN'T NOTHING TO HANG ON TO! How the fuck did you up and think this works?"

He stares at her, incredulous himself. He doesn't understand this troll, he has never understood her, and for the of him, he never will. But there's only so much he can do to implant it in this trolls, to make her blind ass motherfucking see, that her way is some mind bending self-deception.

"ON SECOND," He continues, "YOU COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG ON THAT. There are sides, Sister, maybe you ain't noticed them, but every motherfucking one else has! THE SIDE THAT HE AND THE OTHER DAMN VANTAS LAY ON AIN'T MOTHERFUCKING MINE AND I SURE AS MOTHERFUCKING SHIT AIN'T ON THEIRS! My side has been clear from the start and I made my damn choice from it; THE SIGNLESS HEARING TALE OF WHAT HE'S DONE CHANGES NOTHING, him being executed his own damn self up within the future changes nothing, SO I FUCKING MADE HIM SEE THAT WHICH COMES OF HIS SELF RIGHTEOUS MOTHERFUCKING DELUSIONS! If it brings about what all he should've learned sweeps ago, if it keeps what I want safe, safe, then I will take every fucking credit and curse for making that all happen. BUT YOU, SISTER, NEED TO PICK A DAMN SIDE OR STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

He straights up out his hunch, forces the way his hands try to make claws back into clenched fists again at his side. He pulls snarl back some.

"At least now all that you've shown your colors, so to fucking speak, if you want you can return all right to your 'friend'."

[pythianjudgment]

"No, I can't return 'all right to my friend'." She presses her lips tight together and has to all but force out her next words: "Because you were right. What he said and did wasn't okay, and I'm not ready to forgive him yet." But she will, eventually. Because he is her friend.

"I've never hidden my colors from anyone since I got here. I've never made any attempt to pick a side, and I'm not about to start now. I like who I like because I like them, not because I'm playing some bullshit politics. I've had more than enough of that. I don't care about whatever grudge you have against the Signless. I absolutely do not care! Because for all the things you've said that change nothing? You've missed the most important one."

She spreads her hands out motioning around them. "This. This changes nothing! Because where I'm from? There are no sides. This is no Empire. There is no Alternia. It's gone. Our entire race is dead, save for five trolls! And Karkat is one of those five. So do whatever you like to Signless. I could not give less of a fuck--but leave Karkat out of it. He may be stupid and annoying and a fucking pain in the ass, but he's the only thing here that I have left back there. And if our friendship wasn't just a sham, then..." She shakes her head, hesitating. She doesn't know what to expect by saying this, but it needs to be said, even if he ends up brushing it off. At least then she'll know where he stands.

"Makara. The fact that he matters to me should matter to you. In the same way that the Psiioniic being important to you matters to me. It's not about sides or alliances or whatever. It's about not fucking over the people you claim to care about."

[sleeplessinalternia]

"You fucking shitpail," a voice that Initiate probably wishes he could never hear again shouts from behind him. "You Faygo-swilling mirth-munching fucktard. You bulgesucking hollow-nooked hypocrite. How the fuck did you shame me for what happened with Terezi and then turn right around and do what you did to us?"

Because seriously, even more than the palpable unjustness of the Initiate's revenge, the utter hypocrisy of it really infuriates Karkat. Maybe he was an asshole for treating Terezi like shit after she killed his moirail, but the Initiate had reacted in the same circumstances by grabbing Signless' own moirail and torturing him before forcing Signless to mercy-kill him. The two weren't even remotely comparable.

[carnagecarnival]

In his mind, he repeats what she said. "THEY DIE." He knows she means it. He knows she's entirely serious in this case, she told him that they couldn't get back to their world, all the pieces went together, and... hadn't he always known? Hadn't he felt it. "We all die." He laughs suddenly. It actually happened and it only took a thousand sweeps. Oh, Messiahs two, let thy holy wills be done and have been done. He's not even sad. He has nothing to mourn. He gets to live his full life and is there in time for the end. What the fuck more could he have asked for?

"WELL THEN, SUPPOSE THAT UP AND CHANGES THINGS BACK PLANETSIDE!" He laughs."Fucking fantastic, Sister! BUT LET HIM PUT REMINDER UP FOR YOU; WE AIN'T ON ALTERNIA! We are here and here still has what all it deems heresies. I WON'T HAVE HIM USING HIS FUCKING EXCUSES TO DAMN US BECAUSE HE THINKS AT HE'S DOING RIGHT, BECAUSE IT SUITS HIS DAMN ILLS. He doesn't cull for his whole damn life, then suddenly he all gets gumption to cull the helmsman here, then, to satisfy whatever fucking righteousness of his own he thinks it'll do him? I WAS NOT TO MOTHERFUCKING RISK LEAVING IT LIE NO LONGER SHOULD HE DECIDE ANOTHER TIME TO DRAG MOTHERFUCKERS DOWN WITH HIM AND IF I THOUGHT THERE WAS ANOTHER DAMN WAY WHAT ALL WOULD WORK, I'D TAKE IT."

He pauses. His fists unclench. He took the path he did. He knew. He knew what it would cost here, he can't even say how much it's surprised him--unnerved him-- that she still wants to hang on. He doesn't understand why. He doesn't understand why she wanted to be near him in the first place. He doesn't look at her now.

"Regardless, It's been motherfucking done and so I'm done with him. IF IT ALL UP ANd SUITS A GIRL, I'M DONE WITH THE YOUNGER TOO. So long as they stay away from me, then I ain't all gonna have fuck all to do with them. SO IF THAT'S BEING WHAT YOU WANT, IT'S YOURS."

[carnagecarnival]

If one were to say he wished never to hear that voice again, they would be right a thousand fold. His teeth clench, along with his fists and his shoulders hike high before he turns around, face made to a stone.

"THOSE MOTHERFUCKING THINGS," He says, growl all within his words, "AIN'T BEING THINGS WHAT ALL ARE LINKED. If you think that's like at to being why I did what all I did, you'd be motherfucking wrong, Brother. DO YOU GOT FOR ANYTHING ALL OF IMPORTANCE WHAT TO SAY OR DO YOU JUST WANT AT TO SPILL YOUR MAW?"

[pythianjudgment]

She should be happy with that. She knows not to expect much more than that, but this whole thing feels so unfinished. Like she's supposed to take this as her verdict and walk away. Like 'I've done it once, and that's all I need' is an acceptable response to what he did.

It still doesn't change the fact that he's not the least bit contrite for ignoring her pleas--for flat out attacking her, when all she wanted was for him to listen.

"That's the least of what I want, if we're going for the bare minimum." More would include an apology, or some reassurance that he understands why this whole thing hurt her. Or that he even cares at all.

"...So where does that leave us, then? If something else should happen, should I just resign myself to being collateral damage for the sake of your vengeance? Is that all that a friendship with you is worth?"

[carnagecarnival]

"I can't undo no thing all for her. I CAN'T MAKE LIKE TO HAVE IT NOT HAVE HAPPENED," He says, quickly, still not looking at her. "There shouldn't be nothing else what happens, that all should be the last." He huffs, and throw his arms up. "BUT MOTHERFUCK, IF YOU BELIEVE AT THEIR TO BE CHANCE AGAIN FOR WHAT ALL IT BE THEN I GUESS SHE OUGHT AT TO TAKE MY HEAD ALL THE FUCK FOR HER OWN. You ain't got no reason to trust word I wouldn't do for it again as said. I KNOW A SISTER TO BE SMART ENOUGH TO BE ABLE."

She could do it, he thinks. He's sure she would be able. He knows she's clever, resourceful. Maybe that's how he'll die next time. Wouldn't it be right? Vengeance served just as they trolls were meant to do. He turns his back to her, resting his arms back on the rail.

"Can't say no sorry's to you, Sister, cause I ain't. NOT FOR THE WHOLE OF IT AND WHAT ALL IT COULD BE WORTH," He says. He'd think his words might be under threat of being carried away by the city or the wind, but they're not. He purses his lips together. "And if for some motherfucking thing or part I was sorry, I ain't so damn naive as to think a sister would all forgive me. OR THAT SHE SHOULD." He breathes deep and lets out. "I AIN'T SAYING I'D TAKE THE BEFORE OF THAT WITH... WITH YOU, BACK. But if sister knows the fuck best for her and all else maybe forget it she all ought."

[sleeplessinalternia]

Karkat sneers at him. Strangely, the Initiate doesn't scare him anymore, not at all. Maybe it's because he's already been through the worst and spat his defiance back to the other troll's face.

"Oh really. She killed my moirail. He killed yours. But me shunning her because of that for over a perigee is terrible, shameful, and wrong, proof of how I'm everything you despise--while you fucking torturing his own moirail in front of him before before forcing him to make the final cull... well, somehow that is supposed to be fucking justified? And I used to think his pan was cracked. But if his is cracked, yours is fucking shattered."

Seriously, how the fuck does that make sense? Is it because he and Signless are lower than the lowest lowblood and Terezi and the Initiate are highbloods and no matter what the highbloods are right and the lowbloods are in the wrong? It is, isn't it?

That concept never used to bother Karkat as much as it does now.

[pythianjudgment]

"Forget it. That's your solution?" Out of all the things to make her angry, that one shouldn't be as infuriating as it is. "Rather than even consider that you might have done something wrong, your suggestion is that I just give up on this mess? I didn't know that running away was your go-to answer for personal problems."

She wants to shake him by the shoulders. It's not fair, how little he seems to even want to try. How little effort he wants to expend, how little sacrifice he wants to make. "...I might have forgiven you. Not for murdering my friend, and not for lashing out at someone uninvolved in the whole ordeal. But I might have forgiven you for disregarding my feelings on the matter, when I only wanted you to stop and listen. For assuming that I was trying to stab you in the back, when I've never raised a hand to you inside or outside these arenas. For choosing your vendetta over our friendship."

She purses her lips and crosses her arms over her chest. She shouldn't have to explain this to him, she thinks. This should be basic knowledge... But somehow she gets the feeling that he hasn't had much practice. "But I can't forgive you if you won't even admit that you were wrong."

[carnagecarnival]

'She was your friend' He wants to say, looking at Karkat incredulously as he thinks it. But he can't. He can't voice that part, not after everything. Instead he growls, "Instant damn assumption. DID YOU NEVER EVEN GET IN YOUR PAN SHE MIGHT ALL HAVE HAD FOR A REASON OR DID YOU UP AND ASSUME INSTANTLIKE SHE WAS WORTHLESS? The Pryope is smarter and better than all you give her credit for."

He shakes his head. This is so fucking stupid. And there's no point defending her now. Especially not against this one.

"THAT AIN'T EVEN THE DAMN POINT. This is more than all being about simple vengeance for the culling of a moirail. I MADE TO TEACH SOMETHING THAT HE DOUBTS YOU WOULD ALL UP AND UNDERSTAND. I sought to secure things futureways. IT'S ALL BEING ABOUT MORE THAN A CULL. This is further and bigger than you and shall always be so."

[carnagecarnival]

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't move from where he is, glaring down at the city. He wants to break something, anything, but there's nothing to break, and for some reason, in front of her it doesn't feel the same. In front of her, the thought doesn't even appease his anger it just makes him feel more impudent and then he's angry all the fuck over again. More and more it goes until finally he reels around.

"YES, THAT'S MY MOTHERFUCKING SOLUTION! That is all what the fuck it is like to being, Pyrope! WHY DOES IT MATTER IF I ADMIT ALL WHAT YOU WANT ME TO, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT CHANGE ANYTHING? Why? WHY THE FUCK ALL DO YOU WANT THIS SO MOTHERFUCKING BAD, PYROPE, I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER YOU!"

Why can't she just let it go? Why can't she just take that damned friendship what he can't even do right and leave with it? He throws his hands up.

"I hurt you! I MOTHERFUCKING HURT YOU I UP AND DID AND AT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME IT WAS WORTH WHAT ALL I WOULD DO! What the fuck are you still doing here? WHAT EXACTLY ALL DID YOU EXPECT OF ME? Any other troll would've gone long ago, SO WHY HAVEN'T YOU?!"

[sleeplessinalternia]

Further and bigger than him? Wow, Initiate, if you were trying to convince Karkat you're a bigger hemoist than even Equius, you're doing a great job of it.

"You know what? I don't fucking care what you thought you were trying to teach. You're a piece of shit who thinks he's a troll and even the weakest, most pathetic of these aliens is worth more than you."

He spins around to stomp off, because he is completely tired of the Initiate's shit and has way better things to do right now.

[carnagecarnival]

The Initiate doesn't shout after or make any move to stop him. He glares and waits for the other troll to leave, then once sure he's not about to come back, he turns back to the railing again. If Karkat wants nothing to do with him, that's more than fine with him. At least one thing would've turned out right.

[stilest]

When Claudia sees him on the roof she doesn't say anything at first, just goes and stands next to him, leaning against the railing.

The Initiate, no matter how old he actually is and sometimes Claudia wonders about that, has an emotional age of about five human years, as far as she can tell, and she decided shortly after Maximus' crowning that she was going to treat him if he were exactly that age.

"I'm cutting your hair again," she says, finally.

[carnagecarnival]

The Initiate turns to see who's joined him on the roof this time-- just to be sure it's not the little Vantas or Pyrope back for more-- but when he sees Claudia he turns back away. He doesn't exactly emit any welcoming vibes but neither does he say anything.

The relative peace can't last of course.

He looks at her again, raising a brow. Then says simply, "NO YOU AIN'T."

[stilest]

"Yes," she says, "I am. It makes you look younger and we'll want that, what you did to that District One boy with the nubby horns will look better if they see you as an older kid and not as a grown man. Not really all that different than the things Careers used to get up to in the old Games."

[carnagecarnival]

He opens his mouth. Then closes it. He wasn't expecting actual reasoning from this. But still. "Why all does that matter? IT'S A CULL GAME AIN'T IT? Wouldn't it make all the fuck more sense to seem as he is?"

[pythianjudgment]

Terezi steps back at the sudden outburst. Not out of fear, she tells herself, but if not fear, then she's not sure from what. She lets him go on, standing quietly there and trying to find an answer to his question.

"You stayed." The words are quieter than his and they feel a lot more fragile when following the barrage of questions from the Indigo's mouth. But that's her answer, and she has to stand by it, even if it sounds dumb to her own ears.

"You stayed, even when everyone else was too angry to give me the time of day. You're the only one who didn't shun me for an instant. And maybe that's stupid. You had no reason to hate me for killing someone that we both can't stand. But you didn't have to be there. You didn't have to soften that blow. You didn't have to care, but you did anyway."

She doesn't know what else to say, or how else to explain what that meant to her. How making her smile just for a minute, when all she had to look forward to was dirty looks and cold shoulders... How that mattered so much to her. Their talk at the last crowning comes to mind. It feels like forever ago, and yet only just a little while.

"...It matters because it's worth it to hear it. I can't forgive you unless you mean it. You don't mean it unless you can say it, and I'll know it when I hear it." She pauses, rubbing her arms in the chilly air. "I don't expect you to say it, though. I'm not expecting anything at all. I'm not that naive, either, and you already showed me where your priorities lie in that arena. ...But knowing that doesn't stop me from wanting to give you the opportunity to prove me wrong again."