I picked up the bird and above the din I said "That's the last song you'll ever sing". [OPEN]

[carnagecarnival]

Who| Initiate and OPEN (with special reserved spots for Terezi and whoever else wants to yell at him)

What| Initiate is brooding... It's time to yell at the clown

Where| Up on the rooftop click click click~

When| Now!

Warnings/Notes| Initiate, who is awful. Language. Who knows what else.

Down in the Training Center, the walls are curiously blank and empty. Not a touch of paint done up on them and somewhere, surely, an avox sighs in relief. He hasn't been down there even once since coming back. He hasn't watched the recaps. He hasn't lingered anywhere he thought the others of his kind might be, or even where those he likes might be about on chance he runs into his own kind. He doesn't want to hear it all, he doesn't want to deal with any of them. He did what he had to. It was done. 

Except it wasn't going to be done, now that he was back in capitol, he could feel it. It was never simply done. 

And then he was throwing himself out over the network for either side to take his offer-- just one really-- no idea if all of it was a trick and if he might be hanging himself anyway. He tells himself it's not rebellion. He tells himself, unlike some, he has plans for if by chance they look to those they shouldn't. It doesn't really reassure.

He sighs heavily, runs a hand through his hair, and scowls down at the city below. His arms are rested on the railing surrounding, but they're so thin, if he hadn't already tried throwing something over the edge, he'd think the rail would give way and drop him. Even knowing they can hold, he still feels like any minute they might let him go anyway, damn what he knows. He can't bring himself to move from it.

Comments

[pythianjudgment]

She should be happy with that. She knows not to expect much more than that, but this whole thing feels so unfinished. Like she's supposed to take this as her verdict and walk away. Like 'I've done it once, and that's all I need' is an acceptable response to what he did.

It still doesn't change the fact that he's not the least bit contrite for ignoring her pleas--for flat out attacking her, when all she wanted was for him to listen.

"That's the least of what I want, if we're going for the bare minimum." More would include an apology, or some reassurance that he understands why this whole thing hurt her. Or that he even cares at all.

"...So where does that leave us, then? If something else should happen, should I just resign myself to being collateral damage for the sake of your vengeance? Is that all that a friendship with you is worth?"

[carnagecarnival]

"I can't undo no thing all for her. I CAN'T MAKE LIKE TO HAVE IT NOT HAVE HAPPENED," He says, quickly, still not looking at her. "There shouldn't be nothing else what happens, that all should be the last." He huffs, and throw his arms up. "BUT MOTHERFUCK, IF YOU BELIEVE AT THEIR TO BE CHANCE AGAIN FOR WHAT ALL IT BE THEN I GUESS SHE OUGHT AT TO TAKE MY HEAD ALL THE FUCK FOR HER OWN. You ain't got no reason to trust word I wouldn't do for it again as said. I KNOW A SISTER TO BE SMART ENOUGH TO BE ABLE."

She could do it, he thinks. He's sure she would be able. He knows she's clever, resourceful. Maybe that's how he'll die next time. Wouldn't it be right? Vengeance served just as they trolls were meant to do. He turns his back to her, resting his arms back on the rail.

"Can't say no sorry's to you, Sister, cause I ain't. NOT FOR THE WHOLE OF IT AND WHAT ALL IT COULD BE WORTH," He says. He'd think his words might be under threat of being carried away by the city or the wind, but they're not. He purses his lips together. "And if for some motherfucking thing or part I was sorry, I ain't so damn naive as to think a sister would all forgive me. OR THAT SHE SHOULD." He breathes deep and lets out. "I AIN'T SAYING I'D TAKE THE BEFORE OF THAT WITH... WITH YOU, BACK. But if sister knows the fuck best for her and all else maybe forget it she all ought."

[pythianjudgment]

"Forget it. That's your solution?" Out of all the things to make her angry, that one shouldn't be as infuriating as it is. "Rather than even consider that you might have done something wrong, your suggestion is that I just give up on this mess? I didn't know that running away was your go-to answer for personal problems."

She wants to shake him by the shoulders. It's not fair, how little he seems to even want to try. How little effort he wants to expend, how little sacrifice he wants to make. "...I might have forgiven you. Not for murdering my friend, and not for lashing out at someone uninvolved in the whole ordeal. But I might have forgiven you for disregarding my feelings on the matter, when I only wanted you to stop and listen. For assuming that I was trying to stab you in the back, when I've never raised a hand to you inside or outside these arenas. For choosing your vendetta over our friendship."

She purses her lips and crosses her arms over her chest. She shouldn't have to explain this to him, she thinks. This should be basic knowledge... But somehow she gets the feeling that he hasn't had much practice. "But I can't forgive you if you won't even admit that you were wrong."

[carnagecarnival]

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't move from where he is, glaring down at the city. He wants to break something, anything, but there's nothing to break, and for some reason, in front of her it doesn't feel the same. In front of her, the thought doesn't even appease his anger it just makes him feel more impudent and then he's angry all the fuck over again. More and more it goes until finally he reels around.

"YES, THAT'S MY MOTHERFUCKING SOLUTION! That is all what the fuck it is like to being, Pyrope! WHY DOES IT MATTER IF I ADMIT ALL WHAT YOU WANT ME TO, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT CHANGE ANYTHING? Why? WHY THE FUCK ALL DO YOU WANT THIS SO MOTHERFUCKING BAD, PYROPE, I HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER YOU!"

Why can't she just let it go? Why can't she just take that damned friendship what he can't even do right and leave with it? He throws his hands up.

"I hurt you! I MOTHERFUCKING HURT YOU I UP AND DID AND AT THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME IT WAS WORTH WHAT ALL I WOULD DO! What the fuck are you still doing here? WHAT EXACTLY ALL DID YOU EXPECT OF ME? Any other troll would've gone long ago, SO WHY HAVEN'T YOU?!"

[pythianjudgment]

Terezi steps back at the sudden outburst. Not out of fear, she tells herself, but if not fear, then she's not sure from what. She lets him go on, standing quietly there and trying to find an answer to his question.

"You stayed." The words are quieter than his and they feel a lot more fragile when following the barrage of questions from the Indigo's mouth. But that's her answer, and she has to stand by it, even if it sounds dumb to her own ears.

"You stayed, even when everyone else was too angry to give me the time of day. You're the only one who didn't shun me for an instant. And maybe that's stupid. You had no reason to hate me for killing someone that we both can't stand. But you didn't have to be there. You didn't have to soften that blow. You didn't have to care, but you did anyway."

She doesn't know what else to say, or how else to explain what that meant to her. How making her smile just for a minute, when all she had to look forward to was dirty looks and cold shoulders... How that mattered so much to her. Their talk at the last crowning comes to mind. It feels like forever ago, and yet only just a little while.

"...It matters because it's worth it to hear it. I can't forgive you unless you mean it. You don't mean it unless you can say it, and I'll know it when I hear it." She pauses, rubbing her arms in the chilly air. "I don't expect you to say it, though. I'm not expecting anything at all. I'm not that naive, either, and you already showed me where your priorities lie in that arena. ...But knowing that doesn't stop me from wanting to give you the opportunity to prove me wrong again."

[carnagecarnival]

You stayed.

He goes cold. The anger drains from him and then some.

Each breath is too loud in his ears and his heart sounds even louder, still racing from shouting at her just a moment before.

He can't speak.

He feels weak and stupid and small. He didn't even realise what he'd been doing this whole damn time, he had no idea. He stands there useless, for so damn long. He tries forever to mouth a word, any word.

Finally, he manages something. Just a whisper.

"I don't know if I can."

He closes his eyes.

[pythianjudgment]

She was expecting more yelling, to be perfectly honest. Another chance to tell her that she's pan-cracked or that this isn't any way to survive. She was expecting to have her intelligence called into question.

But once again, he surprises her. He's so deathly quiet, and she's not sure what it is that she said to make him that way. As the silence stretches on, she grows more uncomfortable, wondering if she should ask what it was that she said. What left him so speechless, and why.

But then he speaks, and... He sounds so small and vulnerable to her ears. Just barely a whisper. It's not something that she's heard from him often.

She wants to tell him to try, but she doesn't want to push. If he's going to make any sort of apology, she doesn't want it to be coerced. It has to come from him because of him, and not because of her insisting. It has to be real.

"Let me know," she says finally, taking a step back towards the door, making to leave. "When you figure it out. If you can or not."

[carnagecarnival]

And then she's gone. His hands twists up in his hair, pulling too hard. What's wrong with him? ...What isn't motherfucking wrong with him? This place, these people, it's all going to drive him mad. He stumbles back against the railing and, miraculously, it holds him up.

He thought, for a little while, he didn't really miss anything from his world, but right now, he misses the beach. And he misses how, when he wasn't fighting, it was always so damn empty.

He turns around and puts his arms up on the rail. Then, after a pause, he decides 'fuck it', and rests his head on his arms too. Just for a while. The railing still holds.