thecapitol | bottle your tears

Entry tags:

bottle your tears

Who| Mariko and everyone out there!
What| Mariko trying to keep herself together.
Where| the ever so popular roof of tribute center
When| right after Cruentus and Penny's post
Warnings/Notes| Mentions of self-starvation but that's about it, for now.

It hadn't taken a long time from her to learn just what was the true nature of the Capitol. She had learned about the avoxes, the chip inside her, the fate of district 3 and the horrifying power that these people had over her and other tributes. She had been watching television at the district 11 suite, when that shocking video had been posted online. After seeing it, Mariko had felt something heavy on her chest suffocating her. She had quickly left the suite to find some place safe, a place where she could breathe again.

So now Mariko stood on the roof top and stared at the view in front of her with a blank expression. Devastated didn't even begin to describe what she was feeling now. The lack of self-determination and control made her feel so frustrated, sad, angry and simply just upset. The food didn't hold much appeal to her anymore, not after what she had witnessed in the last arena, causing her to lose some weight. She missed her parents and her only friend Nanako and her first love Kaoru. All those important people to her who she would never see again. She wouldn't be able to speak Japanese ever again. She would have loved to speak English and French to people here, after all she had put lot of effort to her studies back at home! But now it all seemed pointless.

She looked down at her colorless hands and bit down on her lower lip. She hadn't been able to find nail polish of the right color on her own and it didn't feel right to ask favors from avoxes. Even the beautiful dark red dress she was wearing now didn't feel right-- it wasn't the dress she had chosen for herself but a dress that someone else had wanted her to wear.

Mariko felt like she was never going to feel happy again. It was like this world had robbed it away from her along with the other things. She wanted to cry so badly, but didn't want to give anyone who might be watching her that satisfaction (she had cried enough while being out in the arena).

Just when she felt like she would explode from all these feelings storming inside her, she closed her eyes, clenched her fists and began to scream.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" She screamed as loud as she could, only stopping for a brief moment to catch air before starting again.

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"At least you have been happy in your life." Eponine retorted once again. She was quieter though, more reflective. "Miss, listen to me. Please. You can't keep crying because things shall get worse. When you go into an arena, they'll kill you for crying. You will get no support at all. And you need it. You trust me. I have learned a bad way. Your clothes shall be your least worry - I have been dressed in so many horrid things I cannot say. But that is the best bit of here."

She shook her head. "It is horrid, yes. But you know nothing yet. Save screaming for when you need it."

To the age question, Eponine shrugged. "I thought perhaps you were younger. Not even the little ones make all this noise. But perhaps it is that we are of an age. Perhaps I am older or younger? I do not know."

Mariko ignored the first comment, she really had no interest to have a competition over who was most miserable and had suffered more (which Eponine would undoubtedly win, despite Mariko's own darkness and hardships). Instead, she looked up to the other girl and listened to her speech while fighting against tears. Surprisingly, she found herself liking this stranger now as she was offering her comforting and encouraging words instead of attacking her.

"I-I have to scream and cry now or else I will go crazy! How things can get worse than this?! They've taken so much from me already. It's--", she had to take a brief pause to calm down her sobbing. "It's like I'm not my own person anymore!"

"And what does that matter?" Eponine returned. "What does it matter to whom you belong? You can be you in your head. Even if I cannot say my French nor my Argot no more, Miss, I can think on it. I cannot say what I think or they shall chop out my tongue, but they cannot stop me thinking it."

She hesitated a moment, wondering if she should share such a private thought with a complete stranger. But Eponine decided that an illustration might be the best way to make Mariko understand what she meant, so shyly, she continued, " Me, in my head, I sleep every day in a field of glorious flowers with a lovely gentleman who truly loves me. It is a dream, a happy thought to stop the screams. But really, perhaps, I lie alone behind a bin when Jessica throws me out. But even in the cold, you know, no matter how much I smell and what I do to earn a drink, in my head, I can be beautiful, Miss You understand, yes?"

There was a sudden fierce light in her dull eyes, as she remembered the indignities that she had been put through over the past two years. "Miss, i have had my chest made big, and my teeth sharpened, and my eyes are yellow and - and dresses. God! But it don't matter, because I can close my eyes and think I look like anything. In here - " She tapped her head, "- they cannot hurt me."

"That sounds wonderful," Mariko answered with a small voice and nodded. What the other girl had just described sounded very familiar to Mariko. She had also dreamed of love and friends during all those lonely and desperate times she had suffered through in her short life.

"I'm envious," she admitted not daring to look up to girl's eyes anymore. "You are so strong. After all you've been through, all the things they've done to you-- you still are able to stand and be yourself. I'm envious of that."

"Or perhaps I am so stupid? Look -" she pulled the sleeve of her jumper up to reveal a heavy metal cuff adorning her skeletal arm. Shining bright in the middle of the cuff was the Capitol's insignia. It obviously wasn't a decorative piece. It was too tight on her and too ugly for that.

"It shows me to be a bad girl. I run away too many times, and try to shout back, so they punish me . I don 't care though. It is not the first shackle I have worn in my life. But for you, Miss, if you scream for a dress, you must hold your tongue for the rest. You will not like such a cuff as this."

This girl was already beginning to remind Eponine of her sister, Azelma. And as frustrated and as impatient as Eponine was, it was comforing too. She held her hand out to Mariko.

"Come. Shall I brush your hair?" Azelma had often found comfort in Eponine playing with her hair.

Mariko gasped from both shock and horror, covering her eyes with her hands as Eponine revealed the cuff on her arm. While she felt the utmost terrified and sad, she couldn't help but feel like a fool too. She had once again completely underestimated how far Capitol and these people were willing to go to have control over them.

She wanted to say something to the other girl. Something to comfort her, but she was left speechless. There was nothing that she could say to make it better.

When hand was held to her Mariko couldn't believe her eyes. She had just threw a temper tantrum and acted like a horrible spoiled, selfish brat-- showed part of her darker side, and still this stranger was offering her hand to her.

"You know, my name is Mariko." She nodded shyly as she took her hand.

"Miss Mariko, then." Eponine led her gently away from the edge of the roof, and back towards the middle of the garden. "Come, come with me, and I shall make it better for you. You know, you remind me of my sister? She's in prison now, maybe dead. I don't know. But she were so stupid as well. Always, she cried. And always, this made her feel a little better. And here - no pretence. Sit, won't you?"

As Eponine had spoken, she had led Mariko to a little clearing in the garden, where there was a rug and a pillow on the floor, and pretty flowers planted all about. "This is my spot. I like flowers. And see -" She bent down, and lifted a rock in the flowerbed, pulling out a comb from beneath.

"I had to hide it from my Pa or he'd've sold it. But it ain't dirty. Shall I brush your hair, Miss?"

She followed the other girl obediently in silence. She knew nothing about this girl, but the more she heard her talking the more bad she felt. Her stomach twisted uncomfortable when she mentioned her sister being in a prison and possibly even dead. It was true that Mariko had suffered a lot from being alone, but at least she didn't need to worry about such things.

Mariko sat down on the rug and watched girl to pull out a comb. "I'd like that. Maybe after it I could do your hair? I could make you a flower crown too? You know, I've never had a sister myself but I've always wanted to have an older sister. It'd be lovely to have someone to talk to and someone I could play and spend time with."

Edited 2014-07-17 14:48 (UTC)

"I don't know much of play, you know. Only, I know to pull her away when the bogies come, and to smack her to shut her up crying."

Eponine began to pull the comb through Mariko's hair. She was faintly surprised at how easy it was to do: her sister's hair had been as matted as Eponine's, abd then she only had her fingers.

"But I can try. If you promise to stop crying about stupid things that can't be helped. You are as old as I, you know? And you must stop being a child, for this is a bad place and we are at the bottom. I were told that a long time ago, in Paris, but it is so here also. It is not fun and horrid things happen. But you can't cry or you'll shrivel up. You know, I should like a crown though. I never had time to make one of them. The farmer or someone were always chasing us before then."

It felt so nice when the comb went through Mariko's long and curly hair. It had been ages since the last time her mother had done this to her, as Mariko hardly let her to baby her like this anymore. But this time she let herself enjoy from being soothed and pampered like a princess.

"I'm not a child!", she turned her head to look over her shoulder and pouted. "I'm almost grown up. Can't you see how big my breasts already are? In no time I will look even more beautiful and elegant." Mariko sighed wishfully. She really couldn't wait until she'd pass this awkward phase, where she wasn't child but not yet adult either.

"Oh. You never told me your name! You said you could speak French, though? I used to know French too. Until they took it away from me."

"You speak of your breasts so freely, Miss." Eponine raised her eyebrows in surprise, looking down at Mariko's chest. "Now that is not what a Lady does. It is what girls like me do. Common girls, you know? But still, you seem so much younger than I, though we are of an age. "

Eponine nodded. "My name's Eponine, Miss. 'Ponine. I am French though, you know. They take all my tongues away and give me English. I do not know how to speak it without the thing in my brain though.

"Common girls!" Mariko flinched a little, feeling somewhat offended by such vile comparison. "You know there is nothing wrong with appreciating your own body and beauty! It's completely different to talk about than-- than flaunting it to everyone!" She huffed, completely ignoring that she was also guilty for a latter part.

"Oh. France is such beautiful place! I visited it once! You know, I've been learning to speak French ever since I was a little girl. Oh, and English too! I can speak both languages almost perfectly. It's important for someone like me, who is part of Sorority, to be able to communicate with people internationally!" Her voice is cheerful as she speaks of her life back at home. Sure, it hadn't been particularly happy one, but those were achievements that she was very proud of.

"But now. None of those things mean anything."

"Where I am from, Miss, it ain't done for proper ladies to say such things." Eponine said quietly. She pulled her comb a little bit more roughly than necessary through Mariko's hair.

"They talk of ribbons and dresses and flowers and the sun. It's for the scum and the whores to say their tits and the like." She used the language to try to shock. If Mariko was going to dislike being compared to a commoner, Eponine was going to do her best to be offensive.

"France ain't beautiful, Miss. Only at night. Perhaps only for the ladies. For me - I hate Paris. It is dirty and rats! Such rats. And there are murderers and pickpockets everywhere. Not for me though - I laugh in their face when they wave their knoves at me. Not a one would dare to touch me, beyond Patron Minette and I can make 'em do as they are told. Paris is not nice though. Not unless you're rich, I don't think." She pulled hard again, digging the comb's teeth in just a little bit.

"What is your sorsity?"

"I didn't mean it like that, I--Ow!" Mariko yelped when Eponine suddenly used more force to her combing. The crude language she used did make Mariko feel rather uncomfortable, after all she wasn't used to hear anyone to speak like that so casually.

Just when she was about to correct Eponine on her remark, she heard her asking about sorority. That alone made her smile happily and proudly.

"Sorority", she corrected. "It's an organization at my school! Only the most elegant students are selected to join! Selection is based on propierty, social position, family standing, good upbringing, personality, health, beauty and physical excelence! Those who get selected are allowed to joing different kind of parties and social gatherings where they can meet many important people! Three main members of sorority picks a limited amount of freshmen each year! Our spokesperson is beautiful and the most graceful and perfect person you'll ever meet, Lady Miya! We sometimes call her princess. Ah, she is indeed so wonderful! I wish to become like her someday!"

Edited (html faillll) 2014-07-28 22:44 (UTC)

"So it is a thing for fine ladies, Miss? For you all to laugh and chatter together?"

Eponine's mouth twisted into a scowl. "And only for fine ladies, of course, with Mamas who are good and darling, and whose Pas own factories and the like."

It wasn't fair, that this girl had had such opportunities, and still screamed over a dress. Eponine couldn't even have imagined such things.

"And here you sit with an alley cat from the slums , Miss. Ain't I just as fine company as your stupid princess?" Eponine chuckled bitterly.

"Don't talk about Lady Miya like that!" Mariko shouted and flinched away from Eponine. If there was one thing Mariko didn't stand it was hearing Sorority and/or its figure head being spoken badly about or being ridiculed.

"You don't even know what it's like. You must imagine that they'll just let you in if you have enough money! But it's really, really hard work!" Although, she would have been lying if she said that her father's wealth hadn't helped her to get selected. (Oh, but if Eponine were to find out what her father did to build that wealth, she wouldn't find Mariko as fine and innocent any more.)

"Every step I've taken. In my entire life! They've all been for Sorority! It's not easy. Everything that I've gone through and endured!" " Her lower lip had began to tremble as the tears of anger and frustration were falling down her cheeks once again.

"Sorority is my dream! It's something that every girl would die for!"

"You can do anything if you have money." Eponine, on the other hand, was quiet. She certainly had found a little spark in Mariko, and Eponine quite liked her the more for it. But she didn't really like what Mariko was saying at all.

She sighed, and once more stowed away her comb, wrapping it in the flannel as if it were part of the crown jewels rather than a measly plastic comb. "Stop crying. You have nowt to cry about. Now you listen to me - you've had it all, yes? You're rich and you have nice dresses and food and a house and all you wish for - friends! And now you have nothing. Well, I have had that lesson too, and it is hard for a child. But you are an adult, and for you, it is stupid to carry on so. Should I tell you what I think? I know girls dying from no food and from overuse by their men and from knives to their throats and being thrown to the Seine. THAT is what they die for. Not a sorsity."

Eponine got up onto her knees, scooting round so she faced Mariko again. "And what have you endured, Miss?" Eponine put her hands on her hips, tiring of what she regarded as silly cries from a silly little girl. "Have you endured hunger so bad you faint in the street and the buildings waver in front of you and the very walls close in? Have you had a beating so hard you cannot walk proper the next day? Have you stood with your bare feet in the snow and not even a rag on your shoulders to warm you, begging for coins - promising hungry men anything for just a piece of bread, just one Franc because you can't go home until you have the money? That is proper things to cry about. It makes you a brat to cry for the rich things you lose."

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