Sam Wilson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thecapitol2015-02-27 04:09 pm
sizeofyourbaggage) wrote in thecapitol2015-02-27 04:09 pm
my head's under water
Who| Sam Wilson and OPEN + closed threads for Initiate, Bucky, and Porrim
What| finding friends and trying to find his state of mind
Where| In the lobby of the Tribute Tower
When| After Sam’s death in the arena
Warnings/Notes| Discussions of death, violence, nightmares, and PTSD; will update with others if needed! Prompts for closed threads in the comments.
On the way up from where he’d woken up to the district suites, Sam’d noticed the blanket and pillow fort occupying part of the lobby. He’d passed it by then, because he wasn’t quite suited for company yet. He’d practically let Arya kill him, and he knows it, and he’s still not balanced enough to honestly be able to tell if it was because he refused to kill a little girl just to keep himself alive for a little bit longer, or if he was just that messed up at the moment.
Sam needed to get himself sorted, as much as he could, and once he was, he had people he needed to check on.
But a day or so after his return, he’s back down in the lobby, checking it out. He looks around for anyone who might be using it, or who’s nearby, so he can head over to them to ask who’d built it, or if they wouldn’t mind some company.
If he can’t find anyone, he’ll just make himself at home, until someone joins him or asks what he thinks he’s doing.
What| finding friends and trying to find his state of mind
Where| In the lobby of the Tribute Tower
When| After Sam’s death in the arena
Warnings/Notes| Discussions of death, violence, nightmares, and PTSD; will update with others if needed! Prompts for closed threads in the comments.
On the way up from where he’d woken up to the district suites, Sam’d noticed the blanket and pillow fort occupying part of the lobby. He’d passed it by then, because he wasn’t quite suited for company yet. He’d practically let Arya kill him, and he knows it, and he’s still not balanced enough to honestly be able to tell if it was because he refused to kill a little girl just to keep himself alive for a little bit longer, or if he was just that messed up at the moment.
Sam needed to get himself sorted, as much as he could, and once he was, he had people he needed to check on.
But a day or so after his return, he’s back down in the lobby, checking it out. He looks around for anyone who might be using it, or who’s nearby, so he can head over to them to ask who’d built it, or if they wouldn’t mind some company.
If he can’t find anyone, he’ll just make himself at home, until someone joins him or asks what he thinks he’s doing.
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He won't think further into that. If he does, he'll remember the last time he had a conversation like this was with Steve and Albert, and Albert had told him that he'd be there to support him unless he was the one who was gone and he is the one who's gone now, he hasn't come back.
It's not a good idea to dwell on it. It's better to focus on what Sam can do, or at least, what he can try to do.
"They're recruiting. They come here sometimes, smuggle Tributes out of the Capitol. Probably got other ways of doing it, ones I don't know about. But I met one of the people who runs them. I think if we can get into contact with him, he'd listen to recommendations."
Sam hopes, anyway, he hopes he isn't wrong to trust Barnes.
"We're working on getting a way to contact them. I... already put forth the idea, and I think I sold it pretty good." He glances away, briefly, then looks back. "I should've talked to you about it first, but I wanted to take the chance while I had it."
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There's always a fight and he is a soldier, through and through, he doesn't know how to be much of anything else. Maybe one day, but not now. To escape the Capitol he needs to be useful, that's how it works.
"When did you?" he's still in a mild shock at the news, not understanding when Sam would have had the time or ability to contact 13. There have been none of the hacked network posts allowing untraceable, anonymous contact between anyone since they executed Brainiac 5, who was behind the Lonestar identity. "All of us?"
He's not sure who the quantifiable 'all' is at this point, as there are many people who want to see out of the games. Steve, Sam, all the other Avengers, Aang, Darcy, Jet... it can't be all of them, he knows that.
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And at least they can't do what the Capitol can.
"They came here just after the last arena, retrieving. One of them was a former Victor, I found him having a panic attack in the tower lobby. We talked after I helped him."
Sam feels a pang somewhere between guilt and unhappiness at that question. He doesn't want any of them here, and there's a good handful he'd do a hell of a lot to see get out. "No. All I asked for, all I was planning on trying to convince 13 to smuggle out of here, was you and Steve." Didn't even ask for himself, though honestly, Sam considers himself way down low on that list.
He wishes he could do more, but he's a soldier, too, and this is a war.
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Bucky knows the uses they could have for an asset like him, Sam must know it too.
That's not the most important part of this though to Bucky, it's the fact that Sam isn't just gunning to get Bucky out of here but Steve as well, while he himself might end up staying behind. Meeting one of 13's people by helping them through a panic attack, the same way he's helped Bucky before, sounds like Sam all over, as does the selfless attempt to get his friends somewhere better rather than himself. "Sam..."
He wants out of the arena's so badly, more than that he wants Steve out of them. Bucky doesn't want to die anymore, he doesn't want to see his friends die, he wants to get better and work to stop the Capitol. It's tempting, of course it is.
"What did he say when you asked him that?"
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“It doesn’t,” he insists. “You aren’t a resource, Bucky, and I don’t want to send you over there so they can use you. They don’t have the power the Capitol does, the only way they can make you fight with them is if you want to.”
He makes himself keep his hands where they are, palms flat, instead of curling his fingers into Bucky’s shirt again. He really shouldn’t be using that as some kind of stress ball substitute.
“That’s another reason why I want Steve there, too. You’ll look after each other.” Steve’ll make sure District 13 doesn’t push around Bucky or the other Tributes there, and Bucky’ll keep an eye on Steve.
He doesn’t know how to reply to Bucky saying his name like that, so he just ducks his head a little, and focuses on the question. “I didn’t. He was in the middle of a mission, and I just helped him out of a panic attack. Wasn’t the right time to ask for favors. But he left an impression.” Kind of an understatement, but whatever. “I asked Initiate. He’s got a lot more contacts in all this than I do, and he agreed to help me try to set something up. Arena picked us up soon after that, but now that we’re out…”
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He keeps looking down at Sam, flexing his hands into fists before loosening them again. "You can't promise they won't."
One short meeting was too short a time for those sorts of assurances. Bucky doesn't know exactly why Sam has any kind of faith, if not trust, in the rebel he met but he can't follow suit, not yet. If he goes there and they try to force him, or Steve, what will he do?
Maybe he could fight and kill them, take Steve and run if ever Steve would run. There's just so much information missing though, how can he plan ahead?
"Now we're out you want to try." Bucky fills in the end of Sam's sentence. Which is worse, the known evil of the Capitol or the unknown of District 13? "How can Initiate contact them?"
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He doesn’t like it, but he knows how it works. Hell, he’d even had to sell it to Kurloz in a tactical way, for more reasons than just Bucky needs to get out of here.
“But I’ll willing to bet they’re a lot more prone to negotiation than the Capitol is. They can’t control us like the Capitol can, and if they didn’t need more soldiers, they would’ve struck out against the Capitol already. Maybe Steve’ll have to play diplomat, maybe you guys’ll have to work with their terms, but we still have a common goal with them.”
There’s a moment of hesitation, then he adds, “And they can’t reset you like the Capitol does.” They can’t make Bucky have to heal the same damage done to his brain over and over again.
“Hackers. Initiate knows a tech guy, and I suggested Tony. But if you don’t want this, I’ll take it back. I said I wanted to be there when we do get through, but I won’t ask for you and Steve.”
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He settles again with the truth plainly stated, perking a little at the mention of negotiation. Bucky's still not sure that's entirely true, as 13 could still threaten them if they thought it would work. If... he thinks about Steve, who wouldn't let District 13 have entirely their own way with them, just as Sam was suggesting.
Maybe...
"No resets." he murmurs. There's an instant spike of desire at the idea, no death, no resets, maybe a chance to truly remember. "I... I don't want to stay here." he swallows, it's practically a yes. "What about you, the rest of you?"
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He tries not to let himself feel relief when Bucky says that. It's not completely a yes, and even if it was - there's no guarantee they'll be able to contact 13, or that they'll go along with it. It helps that Bucky's question makes a little bit of guilt stir up.
"It's a war," he says, very quietly. "Maybe eventually we can all get over there, but right now they can only take a few at a time. I had to prioritize, and for me, that was you and Steve." If he's being entirely honest with himself, it was just Bucky. He knows it's going to be a hell of a sell to get Steve to willingly go to District 13 and leave the other Tributes here, and if it weren't for Bucky, Sam wouldn't have bothered. But Bucky alone in District 13 is just about as unappealing as him staying in the Capitol.
His list is shaken up a little now that Natasha and Albert are gone - he doesn't know what to do with Jet, he's scared of what Jet'll do here and just as terrified of what he might do grieving alone in District 13 - but Bucky is still at the top.
"Is there anyone you really want out of here, with you over there, aside from Steve?"
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The Soldier wouldn't have cared, would have in fact marked leaving someone behind as an acceptable loss provided they wouldn't compromise the mission. Despite how damaged he is Bucky realises he's still been able to reach this point of being more man than machine. It's a little more possessive than outright altruistic but the feeling is there.
At the same time he wonders if they'd let him take his tribble but then pushes the thought aside, unvoiced, as foolish under the circumstances. There are more important things, just getting out is a boon that is perhaps wrong of him to question.
"How can I..." Choose. Faces flash in front of him: Sam, Aang, Jet, Tony, Bruce, Darcy... he could order them in terms of how useful they would be to thirteen, or how badly he wants them to come with him. He dislikes the idea of leaving any of them behind to be stuck under the Capitol's thumb even longer as much as he dislikes having to make this choice.
"You. Aang and Jet." They all deserve to get out more than Bucky does.
Bucky's not sure he deserves to get out at all, all things considered.
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But he doesn’t know how to answer that. He agrees about Aang, but he doesn’t know how he’s going to convince 13 that they should take a kid over some of the other Tributes. And he can’t think of anything to say about himself. For one, he’d promised Kurloz that he wouldn’t follow Steve to 13, that he’d stay where he was needed. For another, he’s maybe still a little caught up in trying not to say something about how much he appreciates being on there.
Jet, though. Jet he’d already been thinking about, and with Bucky he has no qualms about telling the truth.
“I don’t want Jet here either. But when he comes back from the arena, he…” Sam hesitates for a moment, trying to put all this to words. “Isn’t going to be in the best state of mind. I think he might be looking for a lot of revenge against the Capitol, and I think he might not worry so much about whether he comes out of it okay or not. I’m worried about sending him to thirteen like that, I know they’ll take advantage of it.”
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If Sam is right in being able to negotiate with District 13 maybe that would be one of the demands they could make.
Bucky won't let himself think too far ahead though as a lot of this is still riding on a maybe, particularly the piece regarding his and Steve's own escape from the Capitol's clutches. This is a possibility, not a certainty and he has to remember that. He trusts Sam though in that his friend will do his best to make it happen.
Jet though... Bucky's eyes widen a fraction, then narrow. His shoulders are tense for a number of reasons under Sam's hands, have been this whole conversation. "He wouldn't?" but he considers it, remembers what it's like to have no concern for your wellbeing in the wake of losing someone important. "They'd send him to die..."
It's vicious but true and perhaps he should have known that. The thought sends a bolt of anger through him, followed by murderous intent at the thought of it becoming true.
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"I don't know if they would," he admits. "But I know they sent one of their soldiers on an assignment that ended up with him having a panic attack, and I can bet they don't give a damn about that unless it interfered with their goal." There's anger of his own in there, low and simmering and coiled into every word. Whether or not they can trust District 13, that's what pisses Sam the most off about them. Barnes having a panic attack in the middle of the tower, the vulnerability in his eyes covered up behind a soldier with a mission, the two-second smile of a man who isn't used to having anything to smile about.
Sam doesn't think 13 is responsible for all of that, but he's pretty damn sure it isn't helping. He's also pretty damn sure it wouldn't help Jet, not right away.
He lets out a breath, anger fading with a resurgence of grief. "And I know what it's like losing someone so important to you, the kinds of things that stop mattering after that. He's going to need all the support we can give him."
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"So it would be better for him to stay here?" even saying it as a question feels like a betrayal, like he's abandoning a fellow soldier. The Asset never cared but apparently this poor, damaged apparition of Bucky Barnes has enough humanity in him to do so. He doesn't intend to come off terse, but it likely sounds that way, a reflection of his mood as a whole rather than Sam's actions.
"I'd kill them." he mutters, mostly to himself before looking back up at Sam. Bucky doesn't know what it's like to lose people that way... not really. Abstractly he's lost people important, he lost friends and family but he doesn't remember them, can't remember them. Those people exist in Steve's words to him and Bucky can hardly remember their faces or enough feeling to grieve over them. Steve is the only firm thing from his past that he has to hold onto, a constant.
He doesn't know what it is to lose others in such a painful way, only his own life. Maybe that's the same, maybe it isn't. All he knows is that there's an anger underneath it all that, if it wasn't suppressed by the need to protect others around him, could inspire him to do some disastrous things (and hadn't it almost already, if not for Sam and Steve before?). Maybe he understands after all.
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Honestly, Sam doesn't know. Both options are equally shitty, but at least here in the Capitol, Sam's pretty sure Jet won't be able to try to take the kind of risks he might in 13. It's not like he has to try to make a decision now, though. This is only if they can get in contact with Barnes, if Barnes will listen to him, if 13 will listen to him.
And even then, Bucky and Steve are still Sam's first priority.
"I'd have to try real damn hard not to help you," Sam admits, quirking a tiny smile before it fades. "But it wouldn't do a damn thing, Buck. It won't bring anyone back and it won't stop Jet, all it'd do is maybe end up with you dead, too. And I-" He cuts off, swallowing roughly.
"Maybe I'm a lot more selfish than I should be, but I can't lose you."
He already lost Albert and Natasha, he can't.
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So when it came to Jet, if he chose to put himself forward for a dangerous, nigh suicidal, mission? Bucky didn't know if it would be right to stop him. It would be Jet's choice to do so. It unsettles him to think so.
Maybe not if they took out the right people, if they worked together. He almost starts to voice it, then remembers something that sends a chill up his back. Even if you cut off the head... he hates how much his mind takes him back to HYDRA and their methods. Those truths were burnt into him, maybe forever. Killing those in charge might not be enough.
Bucky knows he needs to stop thinking about this, hypothetical or not. There's not enough intel to make a plan on now, all he'd do is go in circles in his own head. He needs more solid information to make a mission plan on but it's good to have a fail safe, a back up...
For a moment he closes his eyes, making a conscious effort to pull himself back. Luckily Sam provides a distraction.
"I won't..." he says, a little shocked. "I can't."
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He can tell Bucky's caught up in something, though he isn't sure exactly what. He's planning on asking, but... Bucky's response makes him change his mind.
"You can't?" he asks carefully.
Normally, especially when paired with the 'won't' first, Sam'd make the assumption that he was talking about taking out the people in charge of whatever hypothetical mission Jet might have signed himself up for.
But he is suddenly acutely aware of how much he just dropped on Bucky - and how much he maybe shouldn't have. He probably wouldn't have, normally, or at least not so obviously like that. Sam's hinted at it with Steve and Kurloz and Albert, but... well.
Sam doesn't want to take it back, but he doesn't want to freak Bucky out, either.
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There'd always been information readied for him. Fat folders of it put into the Soldier's hand with a time frame to work within. Equipment too, he needs equipment to pull a mission off and he has nothing.
"I mean... I'm not going to do it. You're right, it wouldn't work." Bucky shakes his head. Sam's still holding onto him, he realises, a steady grounding hold. "We'll have to work with them."
At least at first. Bucky doesn't want to stay beholden to anyone but his friends, the few people who've earned his loyalty. He knew he'd follow Steve to the ends of the Earth, maybe some of the others too. He's just... tired. Very tired. Without the ice and the wipes to take the concept of time away from him he's realising how very long his life has been stuck in unwanted servitude to others.
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"Yeah, that's - that's exactly it. We gotta work with them, for now."
Unfortunately. But they can't afford to turn away potential allies, and they can't afford to make an enemy of 13. To have to fight two wars.
"It's a pretty damn good sign, being able to think that through. It's... it might be harder, if it actually happened, and you had to figure out what to do. It's a good idea to think ahead, to have some kind of plan for if shit goes bad. A support system ready to catch you if you need it, someone you know you can talk to."
He has to pause, then, because he can't help but remember the last conversation he and Albert had about that, him asking Albert to be one of his supports and Albert's reply - If I'm not the one who's gone - and he has to squeeze his eyes shut, fingers curling into Bucky's coat again.
"It's a better idea to talk to more than one person about it, in case the reason you need support is because that person's gone."
His voice cracks a little there, and he shakes his head before asking quietly, "You want me to let go of you? I'm not actually sure if I'm doing it more for you or for me right now."
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He had two, just two, so brief weeks of freedom after Project Insight went down and in those two weeks he'd been so distraught, tangled up in a web of unfamiliar emotion, as well as the pain of his injuries and then the withdrawal from the drugs that he hadn't appreciated them at the time. He'd only just started to find his feet when the Capitol swept him into their games. He'd only just started to discover who he was.
So he'll agree with it now, he'll work with but that doesn't mean that the plan of assassinating 13's leaders if they turn out just as bad as the Capitol won't continue to sit in the back of his mind. Killing for himself and his friends for a purpose he believed in would be a pleasant change from doing so only on someone else's orders.
"Like you." he says to Sam after that speech. "Steve." the two people he can talk to most. Bucky feels Sam's fingers curl tighter into his coat and realises suddenly the distress that's in his friend too.
After a moment he shakes his head, his hand coming up and touching Sam's sleeve briefly. "Do you need to talk?"
It's so seemed to be largely for Bucky's benefit that they come here, it's only fair that he offers Sam the same option. Not just because it is fair but because he does care for his wellbeing.
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Sam quirks a small smile. "Look at you, already doing one better than me." Not that Sam thinks he couldn't talk to Steve, if he needed to, he just hadn't talked to him about it the way he had to Albert. "But yeah. If thing got bad, I'd try to be there, as much as you wanted me."
He hesitates over that question, a little bit touched. "If I did, would you want to listen? You don't have to. I get not wanting to hear about someone else's shit when you've got your own stuff to deal with."
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Maybe it wouldn't even need to include killing. They don't know much about District 13 but it might be easier to run from than the Capitol. There could be other places they could go on their own. He likes that thought.
"I can listen. You listen to me."
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"If it comes to that, then you need to know I'll be right by your side." Whatever they end up doing about it - there's no way in hell that Sam won't help.
He considers saying that just because Sam listens to him doesn't mean Bucky's required to listen to Sam, but he doesn't. He's asked once, and he'll take Bucky at his word. "One of my last missions, Riley - my wingman - he was shot down by an RPG. I was right there with him, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. After that-" He hesitates, looking away.
“It took me a long time to admit it, to say my best friend died and I couldn’t handle it, but.” If Sam really thought Bucky was going to hold any of this against him, he wouldn't be telling him. But through everything else, Sam’s still a soldier. It's still hard for him to admit a weakness, particularly a fresh one. It's so damn hard to admit he couldn't cut it, and he's worried maybe he still can't.
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Bucky does as he said he would and listens. He let's Sam talk without interrupting, until such time as it looks like he's done or expecting an answer.
"But?" he prompts, softly. He isn't demanding but encouraging Sam to keep talking. He doesn't hold that information against Sam, Bucky doesn't think it's up to him to judge anyone. Particularly his friends.
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He's quiet for a moment, as he tries to decide what he'd wanted to say after that. This isn't something he's told a lot of people, not in this many words - After that I couldn't find a good enough reason to be over there, after that I retired, after that I hung up the wings - he's implied it, but he rarely says it. Saying it makes it real, and he always feels like he wants to qualify it, to explain, to add in all the other circumstances and shit that'd contributed to what happened.
"But my best friend died and I couldn't handle it," he admits quietly. "And sometimes I'm scared as hell that I won't be strong enough to come back if it happens again."
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