thecapitol | my head's under water

Entry tags:

my head's under water

Who| Sam Wilson and OPEN + closed threads for Initiate, Bucky, and Porrim
What| finding friends and trying to find his state of mind
Where| In the lobby of the Tribute Tower
When| After Sam’s death in the arena
Warnings/Notes| Discussions of death, violence, nightmares, and PTSD; will update with others if needed! Prompts for closed threads in the comments.

On the way up from where he’d woken up to the district suites, Sam’d noticed the blanket and pillow fort occupying part of the lobby. He’d passed it by then, because he wasn’t quite suited for company yet. He’d practically let Arya kill him, and he knows it, and he’s still not balanced enough to honestly be able to tell if it was because he refused to kill a little girl just to keep himself alive for a little bit longer, or if he was just that messed up at the moment.

Sam needed to get himself sorted, as much as he could, and once he was, he had people he needed to check on.

But a day or so after his return, he’s back down in the lobby, checking it out. He looks around for anyone who might be using it, or who’s nearby, so he can head over to them to ask who’d built it, or if they wouldn’t mind some company.

If he can’t find anyone, he’ll just make himself at home, until someone joins him or asks what he thinks he’s doing.

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Yeah, exactly. Sam sure as hell doesn't have anything like Bucky's history with choice, but he knows just how damn important it is. From his own life, and from working with other veterans. You can't stop people from making the choice, all you can do is try to get them to see another option. To maybe give them a few reasons to think about choosing something different.

He can tell Bucky's caught up in something, though he isn't sure exactly what. He's planning on asking, but... Bucky's response makes him change his mind.

"You can't?" he asks carefully.

Normally, especially when paired with the 'won't' first, Sam'd make the assumption that he was talking about taking out the people in charge of whatever hypothetical mission Jet might have signed himself up for.

But he is suddenly acutely aware of how much he just dropped on Bucky - and how much he maybe shouldn't have. He probably wouldn't have, normally, or at least not so obviously like that. Sam's hinted at it with Steve and Kurloz and Albert, but... well.

Sam doesn't want to take it back, but he doesn't want to freak Bucky out, either.

"I can't do it." he says after a few moments of frustrated wrangling with his own head and mouth. "There's not enough information, there's too many variables." Bucky holds his hands out in front of him like he can physically get his point across before before balling them into fists and drawing them back in against his sides.

There'd always been information readied for him. Fat folders of it put into the Soldier's hand with a time frame to work within. Equipment too, he needs equipment to pull a mission off and he has nothing.

"I mean... I'm not going to do it. You're right, it wouldn't work." Bucky shakes his head. Sam's still holding onto him, he realises, a steady grounding hold. "We'll have to work with them."

At least at first. Bucky doesn't want to stay beholden to anyone but his friends, the few people who've earned his loyalty. He knew he'd follow Steve to the ends of the Earth, maybe some of the others too. He's just... tired. Very tired. Without the ice and the wipes to take the concept of time away from him he's realising how very long his life has been stuck in unwanted servitude to others.

The tension eases out of him at that. Both because it means Bucky's actually able to think through the outcome of just trying to kill anyone who was involved in sending Jet on a mission in his state - and because it means Bucky isn't telling him to get lost.

"Yeah, that's - that's exactly it. We gotta work with them, for now."

Unfortunately. But they can't afford to turn away potential allies, and they can't afford to make an enemy of 13. To have to fight two wars.

"It's a pretty damn good sign, being able to think that through. It's... it might be harder, if it actually happened, and you had to figure out what to do. It's a good idea to think ahead, to have some kind of plan for if shit goes bad. A support system ready to catch you if you need it, someone you know you can talk to."

He has to pause, then, because he can't help but remember the last conversation he and Albert had about that, him asking Albert to be one of his supports and Albert's reply - If I'm not the one who's gone - and he has to squeeze his eyes shut, fingers curling into Bucky's coat again.

"It's a better idea to talk to more than one person about it, in case the reason you need support is because that person's gone."

His voice cracks a little there, and he shakes his head before asking quietly, "You want me to let go of you? I'm not actually sure if I'm doing it more for you or for me right now."

"I'm tired of working for people." Bucky says after a moment, just a moment where that weight is visable, crushing him down with all its expectation as his agency is forever stolen away from him.

He had two, just two, so brief weeks of freedom after Project Insight went down and in those two weeks he'd been so distraught, tangled up in a web of unfamiliar emotion, as well as the pain of his injuries and then the withdrawal from the drugs that he hadn't appreciated them at the time. He'd only just started to find his feet when the Capitol swept him into their games. He'd only just started to discover who he was.

So he'll agree with it now, he'll work with but that doesn't mean that the plan of assassinating 13's leaders if they turn out just as bad as the Capitol won't continue to sit in the back of his mind. Killing for himself and his friends for a purpose he believed in would be a pleasant change from doing so only on someone else's orders.

"Like you." he says to Sam after that speech. "Steve." the two people he can talk to most. Bucky feels Sam's fingers curl tighter into his coat and realises suddenly the distress that's in his friend too.

After a moment he shakes his head, his hand coming up and touching Sam's sleeve briefly. "Do you need to talk?"

It's so seemed to be largely for Bucky's benefit that they come here, it's only fair that he offers Sam the same option. Not just because it is fair but because he does care for his wellbeing.

"One day, man, the only people you're gonna work for are the ones you want to work with." If Sam was happy being out of the military, not taking orders from anyone but the people he wanted to, he can only imagine how damn tired Bucky must be of taking orders. "But I'm not planning on taking their shit. Maybe we gotta play nice, work with them, but-" He makes a face. "But all that is hypothetical. We won't know until we get there, if we get there. We'll find a way to make sure they don't push us around."

Sam quirks a small smile. "Look at you, already doing one better than me." Not that Sam thinks he couldn't talk to Steve, if he needed to, he just hadn't talked to him about it the way he had to Albert. "But yeah. If thing got bad, I'd try to be there, as much as you wanted me."

He hesitates over that question, a little bit touched. "If I did, would you want to listen? You don't have to. I get not wanting to hear about someone else's shit when you've got your own stuff to deal with."

"If they don't..." he looks at Sam, sure he doesn't need to say it. Bucky won't be their slave, won't be their puppet. If they try to do that to him he won't take it, this is something he swears to himself. He'll work with them only if they make it worthwhile.

Maybe it wouldn't even need to include killing. They don't know much about District 13 but it might be easier to run from than the Capitol. There could be other places they could go on their own. He likes that thought.

"I can listen. You listen to me."

No, Bucky doesn't need to say it. It's right along the lines of what Bucky hadn't said to him back at the end of the arena, and Sam's opinion of that hasn't changed since then.

"If it comes to that, then you need to know I'll be right by your side." Whatever they end up doing about it - there's no way in hell that Sam won't help.

He considers saying that just because Sam listens to him doesn't mean Bucky's required to listen to Sam, but he doesn't. He's asked once, and he'll take Bucky at his word. "One of my last missions, Riley - my wingman - he was shot down by an RPG. I was right there with him, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. After that-" He hesitates, looking away.

“It took me a long time to admit it, to say my best friend died and I couldn’t handle it, but.” If Sam really thought Bucky was going to hold any of this against him, he wouldn't be telling him. But through everything else, Sam’s still a soldier. It's still hard for him to admit a weakness, particularly a fresh one. It's so damn hard to admit he couldn't cut it, and he's worried maybe he still can't.

He nods in acceptance of that. Inwardly he's glad for the confirmation as much as he thought Sam would back him up in that case, there's still a part of him that would doubt it. Of course there would also be Steve's wishes to consider but Bucky already decided long ago that his primary mission was to protect Steve Rogers and if that means disobeying... Steve told him he wasn't Bucky's commander, he was his friend. His compulsion to obey is still there but, he reasons, some things were more important.

Bucky does as he said he would and listens. He let's Sam talk without interrupting, until such time as it looks like he's done or expecting an answer.

"But?" he prompts, softly. He isn't demanding but encouraging Sam to keep talking. He doesn't hold that information against Sam, Bucky doesn't think it's up to him to judge anyone. Particularly his friends.

Sam'd follow Steve to hell and back, but yeah, there's definitely some things more important. Of course, if it comes down to going up against 13 to prevent them from trying to use Bucky, Sam's pretty sure Steve'll be on board.

He's quiet for a moment, as he tries to decide what he'd wanted to say after that. This isn't something he's told a lot of people, not in this many words - After that I couldn't find a good enough reason to be over there, after that I retired, after that I hung up the wings - he's implied it, but he rarely says it. Saying it makes it real, and he always feels like he wants to qualify it, to explain, to add in all the other circumstances and shit that'd contributed to what happened.

"But my best friend died and I couldn't handle it," he admits quietly. "And sometimes I'm scared as hell that I won't be strong enough to come back if it happens again."

Bucky stills and for a moment he almost says, Me too but he knows it wouldn't be the same. He thinks that if something happened to Steve he would carry on through sheer desire to pay back their captors for what they did, he would thrive on the thirst for revenge if nothing else. After that... he doesn't know.

He was right, he's good at listening but not at talking. He wants to find the right words to say to make it assuage Sam's fears, to reassure him completely that it won't be so. "I don't believe that. You're strong, Sam."

That’s the problem - or at least, that’d been Sam’s problem. There was no one to take revenge against. They got the guy, the mission was successful, the enemy soldiers who’d shot the RPG taken out, and after that, there hadn’t been anything.

He swallows a little at Bucky’s reply. He’s… not sure about that, there’s times he believes it and times he thinks he’s fooling himself, but hearing Bucky say it is still worth something. It means a lot, actually.

“That your way of saying you believe in me?” He means it to be joking, and there’s a teasing curve to his smile, tone light, but even he knows he didn’t manage to keep all the genuineness out of it.

Bucky's lips quirk just a little, "Guess so."

He thinks, no, he knows he does. Knows he does ever since Sam stepped up to the plate and proved himself in Bucky's eyes, assuring a man who'd tried to kill him that he was worth helping among other things. Maybe Bucky doesn't believe deep down inside that he's a good person still, not someone worth helping, but when Sam says it he finds he wants to. He feels believed in, so turnabout is fair play.

Sam ducks his head a little, chest tight in a way that, for once, doesn't have anything to do with panic or adrenaline. He's used to being the guy that believes in people, who's ready to be there for them until they can belive in themselves. Even though his journey started out with a few people ready to believe in him while he picked himself back up, sometimes it still surprises him when he gets it in return. "You're one of my best friends, you know that?"

It's affectionate and playful, but given what he just admitted, it's kind of a confession, too.

Not one he wants to dwell on, though, so he thumps Bucky's shoulder lightly with his fist. "Thank you. Not a lot of people I'd trust more to have my back."

Bucky ducks his head, eyes looking elsewhere than at Sam when that declaration comes. He resists the urge to shuffle his feet like a child, caught by a surprising but welcome burst of emotion from somewhere in his damaged psyche.

"You earned it." he tells Sam, which is the honest truth. In the few months they'd known each other Sam had come through for him again and again, put himself out for a man who once tried to kill him when no one, especially not Bucky, would have blamed him for leaving him to muddle his way forwards alone.

The thump to his shoulder makes him feel better, dissolving the intensity of the moment somewhat. It feels good to have trust and to trust in return.

If Bucky's saying he earned it, Sam guesses it must be true. Sam's not sure he can pinpoint when or how, but - he knows Bucky doesn't trust lightly, and he's assuming that the same goes for friendships. It means a hell of a lot for Bucky to feel like that.

Maybe a little too much. Sam likes to think he's capable of handling his own emotions, and other people's. And he is, but that doesn't stop some things from being a little too much even for him.

He's got no damn clue how the hell he ended up in this position with Bucky Barnes, but here they are. He can't help but try to lighten it up a little.

"I kind of feel like I need a cigarette after that and I don't even smoke," he teases.

"I'd give you one if I had them, but I hear it's considered a bad habit nowadays." Bucky shoots back with remarkable ease. Something about them causing cancer, though maybe the Capitol with all its advanced technology has sorted that out. Not that it mattered, since it wasn't like any of them ever lived long enough to get cancer at the moment anyway.

It's referencing back to the arena and a conversation Bucky wasn't sure Sam would remember, but he's glad he does. "I still haven't got round to trying them myself." Not that he hadn't thought about it since then, just there's never seemed to be a right time.

Sam grins at him, amused. “As a paramedic, it’s pretty much my job to tell they are absolutely terrible for you. But I also work at a place that still has smoke breaks built into its schedule, so.” But that’s more for the older veterans who’ve been smoking most of their lives, or the ones just coming back who Sam sure as hell isn’t going to tell they have to give up one of the few things holding them together.

“No time like the present, man, you wanna go grab one?”

Bucky thinks about it for a moment, then shrugs before nodding. "Sure, why the hell not."

Couldn't hurt them just to try and it wasn't like they had anything better to do; at least Bucky didn't. "Let's go."

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my head's under water

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