And if you leave me, rest assured it would kill me

[carnagecarnival]

Who| Initiate + the Signless, Terezi, Sigma (and any others whom he would go to, PM or hit me up elsewhere if you want in). All separate threads. 
What| The Initiate gives a warning and request. 
Where| The Signless's room, Terezi's room, Sigma's room.
When| After running into the Psiioniic. 
WARNINGS| Language. Pale heartbreak. Mentions of a formerly-terrible person doing terrible things? Skewed sense of what garners a death sentence. Probably a slap or two. (Probably going to be some wibbly wobbly time madness.) 

Now, now at last that he's left the Psiioniic's side, he can come apart, is what he thinks, but it ain't true. It's always one thing after another, one trial ignored, another break all the fuck postponed. Hold together, hold together, that's all it is what he keeps doing.  It's what he keeps fucking telling all everybody, just motherfucking hang in there. It is not. Fucking. Working. 

He's angry, all sharp and sudden for a good ten seconds. If he was just allowed to be what he was he'd be fine right now. If he'd just stayed a goddamn monster he wouldn't have to deal on with none of this. The Psiioniic's threat? Shit would be a joke. A joke what he'd be laughing his damn ass off then and still now. 

The moment passes though, as it always does. 

He just promised his death to an ex-moirail ex-friend what don't remember him no more. All this time trying to stay alive and now this. He can't even curse himself for impulse or stupidity because his mind ain't changed, it still sounds as to be just. 

Either way, he has to hold together. He can't all fall apart up as of yet. He has to let them know, them what it's being relevant to. In place of the anger, he's almost numb. He regains that quiet hollowness as like he held when he was Avoxed. He trails through the halls all like he's being one, eyes down and careful not to touch nobody. He keeps the cleaned off side of his face facing the wall wherever all he can. Soon, he can come apart, but not yet. Not yet. 

He knocks on the door.

Comments

[69problems]

The door swings open with no preamble. Anyone who might come all the way up to Twelve and knock on the Signless's door is someone he'll want to let in; what would be the point in asking who was there?

At the sight of the Initiate's face he lifts a hand to his mouth and then extends it to brush against that bare cheek, almost not touching at all. He knows the significance of the paint, knows that seeing the indigo without his entire face covered means that something very serious is going on.

"Kurloz, your face... come in. Tell me what happened."

[carnagecarnival]

It's instinctive it up and is, when the Signless reaches out and gets just close enough to touch. His eyes close and he leans the bare part of his face against the hand, sighing soft and the tiniest bit of relief that brings.

He steps forward into the room, hesitates at the pile, then decides, no, they're moirails still right now and he doesn't want to be anywhere else. He doesn't have it in him enough to fight it.

But he doesn't collapse on the pile like he wants. He looks at the Signless and simply says, "He's back. MITUNA. He's back." And then the Avoxed mask crumples and his ownself starts with it.

[69problems]

Their relationship is no longer entirely new and yet it still makes the Signless's bloodpusher flip when the Initiate leans into his touch. This is the first time they've really done anything overtly pale entirely on their own and he finds himself now more than ever wanting to get it right.

Especially when he hears what the problem is. His face falls and he puts his hands on the Initiate's shoulders to steady him before sliding them around to hold him tight. He can't exactly physically support a troll so much larger than him but he feels compelled to try.

"I know. I spoke to him earlier. Did he -- I told him about you, that you weren't a threat, but he's never listened to me very well."

[carnagecarnival]

If it were another time, he might try to soothe that worry, tell Kankri to hush, it's okay, all what he's doing is right. Now is not that time.

His hands rise up, clutching the fabric on Kankri's back. He takes that second hanging on, with Kankri trying to hold him up to re-steady his legs. But that's it.

"IT'S FINE, HE LISTENED. I took off the paint. PROVED IT." He babbles. "I missed him so motherfucking much and he screamed when I touched him. HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE A MONSTER AND, KANKRI, HE AIN'T EVEN KNOW THE MOTHERFUCKING EXTENT!"

He's weeping, staining the Signless's clothes with indigo.

"Should be happy. HE'S SAFE. I ain't never gotta go back to Alternia for nothing. AND I- I KNEW SUCH THINGS, IF AS I WENT BACK FOR HIM, HE WOULDN'T REMEMBER ME. I motherfucking knew that but it still..."

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. And Signless would know, he's faced this too in his own way, even if all he wasn't forgotten. He feels guilty, asking understanding of Signless now where before he gave none.

He forces himself straight, with a couple of slipping false starts.

"HE REMEMBERS YOU THOUGH. He wants to protect you. HE CARES ON YOU SO MUCH, BROTHER, SO, SO FUCKING MUCH. It's just like I said, he ain't never been able to think ill of you proper, and now he ain't got no reason. I'VE GIVEN WORD. If harm comes to you, my life is his. I'VE GIVEN ALL SUCH AS BEING BOUND, BUT KANKRI, I'VE ALREADY GONE TO HURT YOU. I've hurt you and him so fucking much so you just gotta let it aight? IT'S RIGHT, THAT IT BE HIM. Don't you be getting harsh at him for it. IT'S GOOD THIS WAY. And then you and he can get on like you was, okay?"

Without me. Fuck him, he was supposed to do this calmly. He keeps telling himself this is alright so why can't he up and act like it's being?

[69problems]

He listens, and at first his expression is one of sympathy. Of course this hurts. He knows that it hurts, he's felt it -- twice now, even, if Karkat counts. Of course Fraysong is in pain seeing someone he cares for so deeply terrified and distrustful of him.

Fraysong doesn't stop talking, though, and as he lays out his plans and his vows the Signless's expression shifts from one of sympathy to one of anger. 'It's good this way'? Really? He lifts a hand to Fraysong's bare cheek, lets it rest there for just a moment before he hauls it back and smacks his moirail hard enough that he hopes it might jar some sense into him.

"No, it isn't okay. Throwing your life away wouldn't be doing me a favor, Kurloz, what is wrong with you! Do you really think I would just keep going like nothing had changed if I lost you?"

[carnagecarnival]

Blindness be upon him. The Signless's anger doesn't even get to register beyond that it's being there and it's directed at him, but the mental connect of the way and why of it just ain't there, all too caught up in his own misery is he.

His eyes close as the Signless touches his face. In all ways true and legit, he doesn't see the smack coming. But he sure as shit feels it.

He holds a hand to where he's been slapped, staring on at the Signless with wide eyes.

"I..." He says. "BUT YOU AND HIM. Him and motherfucking you..." How does he say it? How all does he say he thought his moirail would be perfectly okay up without him? It sounds so illogical from that perspective, where it made so much sense in his head only a minute before. He tries to find that string of reason that he's sure must have been in there. He scrubs a hand at the bare half of his face. "HE WAS YOURS WASN'T HE BEING? You was his. YOU WOULDN'T BE ALONE. You pity him just as much as I do. I KNOW YOU STILL DO." Ain't that a funny thing, two trolls in Moiraillegiance still pledging secret pity for a third. Funny in a way what makes him ill. "You can give him that and all your diamond, but I owe this to him as on what all I've done. IT'S THE ONLY THING WHAT I GOT TO GIVE HIM. And I figured, being like that, shit would all work the fuck out, you get me? IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WHETHER ALL I LIKE IT OR NOT! I ain't fighting him, not for anything. THOUGHT AT LEAST THIS WAY IT AIN'T GOTTA BE SO BAD ON YOU. I can't just up and thieve this from him..."

[69problems]

"I have enough space in my diamond for both of you, you complete idiot. I don't have a finite amount of pity -- I care for him but he could never replace you, any more than you'll ever replace him, or replace Guy, or replace the Disciple or Karkat. You all have your own special pieces of me that won't ever be given to anyone else. Still having him wouldn't somehow make up for losing you."

He knows it's hard for other trolls to grasp his particular way of doing quadrants, when most trolls don't conceptualize quadrants as something that more than one troll can ever fill for someone. The problem is that right now he's too aggravated with Fraysong to keep that in mind, in favor of being aggravated at him for not understanding what to him is so simple.

[carnagecarnival]

Special pieces. Not one bit what gets passed around. Special pieces leaving all the more holes. Mirth but that seems so risky. More so than the pan holes he makes in his own head by use of voodoo. It's difficult, but he can grasp that Kankri's saying like he'd be hurting him. But what then? What the fuck is he supposed to do.

"HE'S GOING TO FIND OUT, KANKRI!" He cries. "No staying secretive at all in this bitch. AIN'T NOTHING A MOTHERFUCKING SECRET HERE! He's going to find out and what then? WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY BE ABOUT FOR SAYING HE OUGHT NOT? Even if he didn't have the motherfucking sense to cull his and your torturer before chances were being had, I still hurt you in my time here. I MADE YOU CULL. I wanted you to come apart, I'm half the motherfucking reason you're not who you was, I know it worked, I got exactly what I wanted." There's something demented about it all, a crazed sort of look as the old Alternian attempts for surfacing with the memory, and what's been made new of him (drawn up from things so long ago) reels away from it all. The two opposing parts of him scrape raw at their edges and grind the shattered shard bits like to chip it all apart.

And he realises this. He realises and his eyes drop down, both hands rising up to press against the sides of his head, like he can keep himself together, just force the pieces all to fit. The old Alternian, so fucking joyous in that false broken way, all revelling bloodthirst and vengeance-desiring, and the self what's new and old in the way of being young-- the bright-eyed wriggler what was better, suddenly walking around sweeps aged without none to back it up, but still fighting that Alternian so hard. It's not literal. He's not of two minds, but he still feels it all.

He keeps talking, not wanting to come so undone, not where he's supposed to be better than this. "I DIDN'T MOTHERFUCKING KNOW HOW AS TO TELL OTHERWISE. Could barely make like I wasn't commanding him, even where such things wasn't meant. HOW COULD I TELL HIM NO? No matter how much as all I claim pity for you now, I can't prove nothing and I can't deny what's been done. WHAT RIGHT HAVE I TO SAY HE CAN'T DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE GETS GUMPTION TO?" Truly, he doesn't have the faintest knowing.

[69problems]

Signless sighs deep and sets a hand on each of the other troll's shoulders.

"You're right. You can't deny what you've done and you don't have any right to tell him how he should or should not react to it. That doesn't mean acting like you're already culled is the answer."

He shakes those shoulders, not with much force at all but enough to get his point across. Snap out of it. Don't do this to yourself.

"Did he ask for your life outright? Do you really think he'd take it for things that you and I have put behind us?"

[futilecycle]

Sigma does not expect guests - either from resentment or estrangement, his districtmates leave him in peace. When there is a knock on his door during the day, it is almost certainly someone close to him, and likelier still to be bad news. Sigma abandons the book he had been reading- pages shut, bookmark still on the besidetable- and answers the knock at once.

He finds the Initiate nearly unhinged with... despair, grief, something Sigma struggles to perceive. The makeup on his face has been rubbed away and for whatever reason it was done, no good must have come of it. He knows whatever he has to tell him cannot be said while someone else may be watching.

"Kurloz? ...Come inside."

He prepares a place for him: a chair pulled near the bed and away from the door, a cushion on the edge of the mattress if he was more comfortable there.

[carnagecarnival]

The sight of Sigma would bring relief, normally. In some small way, it still does, but not nearly enough to draw him out of himself yet. Numbly, he moves, settling down upon the mattress edge, allowing Sigma the chair.

He can't even offer a hello, like what he knows he ought. His head hangs, eyes still that Avox-like hollow, shoulders dropping. It's a defeat is what all it is that hangs upon him, but he's bounced back from those a hundred times before, never stopped, never kept down. Now feels so much different.

After all too long of leaving Sigma in silence, he breathes deep. "Do you remember how we met? THEM XENOBEASTS CAME. We talked it. THEN I CAME TO THEE. I asked if you might watch over my brother dearest. AND YOU DID." It was such a kind gesture then, almost too much what to ask. He, an Alternian, all too unused to kindness, had hardly believed the yes what he'd received. His brother had been kept safe. Perfectly so, under Sigma's watch.

Under only Sigma's watch.

"I lost him, when he'd been here. HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. He was the first one what all I truly came at to trust. AND DID I TERRIBLE THING AT TO HIM, SIGMA. You remember what I told you of his tortures? DO YOU RECALL WHAT WAS TO BE OF MY FUTURES?" He would, surely. The Initiate had spoken of it with fear laced words, an invasion by the holy chucklevoodoos. It should be ingrained, he thinks. Every treacherous bit.

"They brought him back. THEY RETURNED HIM TO-- here. WE WERE ON OPPOSING SIDES OF WAR, FATHER. He ain't remember me, no longer. HE HAS BEEN BROUGHT FROM BEFORE HIS FINAL SUFFERING. He does not know that it is my ownself who will bring him there..." He trails off there.

[futilecycle]

Sigma takes the seat opposite him, listening fearfully as Kurloz' problems come spilling out. The Doctor had never believed he'd done something extraordinary by protecting the Psiioniic, only what was required of him by the basest standards of human decency. But that is hardly important, now - Sigma nods, recalling the Initiate's doomed future like a tape playing in his head. When he learns how fundamentally things have changed between Kurloz and his closest friend, his expression falls. He can empathize, his betrayal of Phi in mind: her refusal to forgive him for sentencing her to death in another future. She had proclaimed: Not even Jupiter, the God of all Gods, can take back what's been done.

Or what was fated to be done, in both of their cases. Not even a man with infinite power could rebuild a broken relationship. He and Kurloz were united in their mistakes once more.

"Kurloz..."

Sigma reaches for him, hand brushing his arm, a not-quite touch. He does not believe it is a good time to interrupt him, but he would like to do more than express his sympathies: "I am sorry. I understand. I sent both of my best friends into my Arena knowing I may never see them again. But they knew, and they were prepared - I cannot imagine how you must feel..." He shakes his head, wondering how bitterly their reunion ended. Wondering if the Initiate trusted in his friend intimately only for it to amount to nothing. "...Did he mistake you for a stranger?" If Diana had not recognized him, it would have meant the death of him.

[carnagecarnival]

"HE MISTOOK ME FOR AN ENEMY. I touched him and he screamed aloud." His eyes close when he says it. He has to stop speaking, for all what hurts it brings. He knows, had the Psiioniic had his powers, arena or not, his first instinct would have been to kill him. It would have been as easy as disentgrating with psionics.

But he realise he ought to explain.

"THERE IS AN ORDER, IN MY WORLD. Blood colors twelve and mutant aberrant. THERE ARE MORE OF THE LOWER, BUT POWER LAYS WITH THE HIGHER. Rust, brown, yellow, lime, olive, jade, teal, cerulean, blue, indigo, violet, tyrian. THE LOWEST TO THE HIGHEST. The Signless, Kankri Vantas, Karkat vantas, are all mutants, with blood bright red as like you humans do. CONSIDERATIONS BE THAT I AM BENEATH THOSE VIOLET AND TRYIAN, THE MOTHERFUCKING SEADWELLERS. But above else am I, by blood alone. WE INDIGOS OF THE CHURCH MAKE UP THE MOTHERFUCKING SUBBJUGGLATORS MOST. We subjugglators are the Empire's striking claw. HE NEED ONLY TO HAVE LOOKED UPON MY COUNTENANCE AND HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN. He was a heretic and a slave what all escaped. HE IS RIPE FROM ALTERNIA AND WE AIN'T TAKE PARTICULAR TO NO TRUST OR NICETY. I will always sound as like I intend to betray him. CAN'T BE LIKE TO TELL HIM HE'S GOT THE WICKED SHIT WRONG."

Sigma understood. Sigma, so kind and good, was marked dirty like him. He understood all of doing on for things regrettable, and it's a relief not to be alone. For a short moment.

"He said, if I harm him or the Signless, I will be culled, but Sigma... I HAVE ALREADY MOTHERFUCKING DONE SO."

[futilecycle]

Sigma's brows knit together in pain. That the Initiate must stop midsentence to collect himself is difficult to endure - fury grows in Sigma's heart that his sons could not have lived normal, happy lives. At last he lays his hand firmly on his arm.

His explanation about castes may have been absurd to other humans, but Sigma can parse it - it was no different than the hierarchy the espers made for themselves. Like it or not, the fate of human history hinged on Akane and Brother, and those who knew best chose a side. Those below them who did not share the burden of knowledge could never understand their actions, thus their opinions were worthless. Now Sigma wants to do something to alleviate the Initiate's pain, to show him he has fully understood.

"Kurloz... is there a chance that you haven't?" Sigma gathers his confidence to explain: "In my world, I was capable of foreseeing what outcome would result from any one choice. Of course, for those who did not have the sight, it would seem like the future is predetermined, unalterable. But, my son, 'fate' does not apply to me, nor to anyone else - if the smallest of possibilities exists, then that future may yet come to pass. Perhaps it is possible he will go into a future where you do not make that choice, however unlikely it may seem to you now. The sentence has not been carried out. I do not see why his fate is decided." Still, his eye meets Kurloz' in sympathy. For all light there was still shadow; if something could be saved, it could also- must also- be doomed.

[carnagecarnival]

He wants to take the hope Sigma offers. So badly does he motherfucking want. Sigma, the seer what gets all of time. He believes it's true for Sigma, for that world. But they are not of the same worlds and they always knew that.

"There's only me. THERE- THERE ARE THOUSAND TIMELINES. The only one where I don't is mine... THEY ONLY MOTHERFUCKING TIME I GET DOUBTING IS IN THIS ONE. Because of what I got learning here. BUT THERE'S NEVER BEEN MORE OF ME WHAT GOT TAKEN AWAY SAMELIKE. Everyone around is being from my future. TEREZI'S GOT KNOWING OF TIMELINES MORE. I'm always the Highblood. IT'S ALWAYS THE MOTHERFUCKING SAME AS PROPHETS GET TO PREDICT. If I undo it... it'll be doomed. I THOUGHT THAT'D BE ALRIGHT. But if I do such things, he doesn't ever remember, just like what's being now. THOUGHT LIKE I COULD LIVE WITH THAT."

He shakes his head. He's living it now, he knows it's all too hard as to live with. He shakes his head too for what all he says next.

"It doesn't matter none anyway. ARENA OF WING-PLUCKED DRAGONS. I hunted down Karkat Vantas... I MADE SIGNLESS KILL HIM. I wanted him to suffer. I WANTED HIM TO PAY. That's all real, done and recorded." He hates that arena now. Not like he likes any of them, but that one feels of a curse upon him. It's proof of what he was, proof he can't make to motherfucking shake. But his hands can shake.

"HE WAS GOING TO STAY!" He blurts. "He was meant all to stay here with me the first time, not to go and forget! IT WAS GOING TO BE GOOD ONE DAY! We were going to be okay. WOULDN'T BE NO MATTERING OF FATES BECAUSE FATES AIN'T MATTER HERE!" What a joke. What a grand fucking giggle. He says, real quiet, "...I ain't want him to cull me. I DON'T WANT FOR IT TO BE OVER NOW. But I ain't know what else to do. HE DESERVES TO HAVE FOR THIS."

[futilecycle]

Sigma watches Kurloz as long as it takes to process this before hanging his head repentantly. He knew that if he did not become Zero - if he turned his back on the work of evil - his actions would cause all history from thereon to be doomed. Worse, it may bring about the extinction of an entire universe, for time and space would not accept a paradox. Or, perhaps, he would be the one to cease to exist. Either way, he knows Kurloz is telling the absolute truth.

"...Then, I am so sorry." He finds himself grinding his teeth, close to frustrated tears. The plights of others, especially family, had always affected him deeply - and this is the first time since Homura came to him to cry that he has been confided in. He lowers his touch from the Initiate's arms to cover his hands, where Sigma can hold them firmly. It was not fair that the Psiionic had come, been loved, and been replaced - but not one part of their arrival here was fair. "I will not let him kill you, nor will I allow you to go to him willingly. Were my younger self to arrive here and be threatened by a player in my game, I would have told him the very same. You have inherited nothing, yet. You are here, Kurloz. Fate or not, do not allow what you have not done to destroy you." He smiles bitterly. "Do not become like me." Sigma was gradually arriving at the end of a life marked by regret and remorse.

[carnagecarnival]

He nearly makes to protest. He only just manages to stop himself with the mention of Sigma's younger self being to arrive. The thought kills him, that he could lose Sigma that way too. But that's not the point so much as Sigma's trying to tell him that he would save him, even just for it being about doing right.

It's the last words what really rob him of breath.

It's humbling, in a terrible sort of way, to hear that. To hear... his Father claim so surely of mistake, like the Initiate could possibly surpass him. He takes those hands that Sigma's placed on his, fingers curling around to hold them tight.

Do not allow what you have not done to destroy you. He's so scared. He's damn afraid of failing and falling back to that path. As though if he ain't apt to worry enough, he'll pay. He'll just go back instinctive to being that motherfucker. But here, Sigma says it won't be so, and he wouldn't allow to be. As Sigma expresses guilt and sorrow even after going so far as he did. As he held still a belief of mercy.

"Father Sigma, I think you is better than what you motherfucking know," He mutters, as his head bows. He takes a few shuddering breaths. "OKAY. I'll try..."

[pythianjudgment]

Of all the things that could have been outside her door, a half-painted Kurloz was not one that Terezi expected when she opened it. She had tried to find him, after she had talked to the Psiionic. It was all she could do to try and warn him about the inevitable heartbreak that he was going to run into. But she couldn't find him, and now... She realizes that it's probably too late to spare him.

She takes him by the head, pulling him inside her room. "You saw him, didn't you?" she asks, her brow furrowed with worry for him.

[carnagecarnival]

She hardly even has to take him in. She already knows what went on down, what exactly could put him in such a way. He doesn't blame her for not having told him. He's not sure it would have been any motherfucking better.

His eyes close at her touch and he leans down to it. He follows in without protest. He simply wants to hold her now.

(What would he do if this happened of Terezi? What would he do if he lost her only to get her back, empty of memory just the same? Hating him and fearing him...)

His hands go up to her forearms, holding onto her, then moving to wrap around. He nods.

[pythianjudgment]

The nod doesn't surprise her--nor does the way that he folds around her. Her heart feels like it's breaking, but she knows it's only because of him. He doesn't deserve so much heartache, after everything he's been through.

She rests her head against his chest, her arms going around his middle and holding on tight. She wishes she could do more for him. But she is a Seer, not a Sylph. And she can't mend his broken pieces, not in this place.

"It's going to be okay," she tells him, trying to put as much hope into that one line as possible. She's not sure that she believes her own words, but she'll try her damn hardest to make them true. There has to be a way to get things back to some semblance of normal... To get the Psiionic to like him again, at the very least.

[carnagecarnival]

"It shall be, yes," He says almost inaudible. He doesn't sound like he believes it. He holds her tight and he doesn't ever want to let her go.

But he does, and he looks at her. He touches a hand to her face, stroking a thumb just over her cheek.

"YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY," He says, and all just like that, it doesn't make sense. But he doesn't notice that none. "You got so many motherfuckers what care. SO MANY AS ALL TO LOOK AFTER YOU AND YOU TO GET ON LOOKING AFTER RIGHT BACK. So much promise up in you. SO MUCH MOTHERFUCKING GOOD." It sounds like he's reassuring himself. And he is. He has to believe this or ain't nothing will work. "So when he finds out of my past here and my future, you have to let it happen, aight? IT'S ONLY FAIR. It's only motherfucking fair as all to let it be. I LED HIM TO TORTURE AND STILL HE SAVED ME FROM COMING APART ONCE HE CAME HERE. So when he finds out what hurt I put on the Signless and his ownself, it's only right that he gets as all he wills, okay? DON'T HURT HIM FOR CULL WHAT'S BEING JUST. You know it is."

Fair's fair. Fair's fair. It goes round and round in loop.

[pythianjudgment]

It's too easy, is her first thought. As soon as he agrees that it's going to be okay, she knows that it's too easy. She expected to spend quite a while to convince him that things can change, that a new slate doesn't mean that he can't earn that trust back. That he can't at least have his friend back.

But then he continues, and she knew it was too good to be true. She feels the touch against her cheek for only a moment, until the words he speaks capture her attention again. It's a slow progression from confusion at his reassurances to the growing horror as she realizes what he's trying to say. He's not agreeing with her. He's saying that she will be okay, once the Psiionic has killed him. And the tought alone leaves her feeling cold and sick to her stomach.

"He won't do that. Kurloz..." She's at a loss of what to say, if only because it feels like a physical blow. Telling her that she'll be okay without him, like he doesn't realize how important he is to her. How much she needs him to keep going through this special kind of torture that is Life as a Tribute.

"Don't say things like that. It's not just. You wouldn't hurt either of them now, and you know it! And I won't let him hurt you, either."

[carnagecarnival]

It would be a lie to say he didn't anticipate some protest. But he's sure she'll understand. She has to. He just has to try a little harder up on this.

"HE AIN'T WANT TO," He agrees. "He ain't like the cull. HE DON'T WANT HIS HANDS DIRTY OF ME AND MINE. And I swore such things wouldn't be needed for nothing I did up in the nows, that I'd not push him as on to all that. YOU KNOW I PITY THEM. Both of them, and you too."

His face takes on that twist. It hurts and he hates this, but it's necessary. His dearest ones must be made safe. They've got to be. She must know he's not a martyr, he hates martyrs, this is just fair trade-off what's going the motherfuck down.

"BUT YOU ALSO GOT KNOW ON HOW IT GETS TO MOTHERFUCKING BEING HERE. He's going to find out and when he does, he'll see what hurt I've wrought and yet to. I SWORE I'D NOT BE ABOUT THE STOPPING OF HIM, SHOULD HE TRY. You have to let him be, Terezi."

[pythianjudgment]

No. No, no, no, he's still going on about it. Terezi shakes her head, pulling back a bit from his grasp. Even now, it's still sinking in, the gravity of what he told the Psiionic. The real panic doesn't quite reach her--not until he admits that the promised not to interfere. He promised to let himself die. A free shot, to someone he barely even knows anymore.

She stares blankly. It's like the wheels in her mind are spinning, but unable to find traction. And finally... Finally, something catches. Finally, something makes sense, and it lights a hot anger deep in her chest. After everything he's said to her and everything he's told her and everything he's made her promise. After all the times she's comforted him on the brink of despair and done her best to hold him together. After all their promises not to leave...

She closes her mouth, her lips pressing into a thin line. Her brows furrow, but this time in anger rather than confusion. Her hand comes up and cracks sharply against his cheek.

"You had no right. To make that promise," she all but hisses. "How many times have you come to me saying that you can't bear to watch me die? How many times have you made me promise--even against my wishes--to do whatever I could to stay safe? You've made it abundantly clear how terrible things would be without my presence here, but you just..." She trails off, her fists clenching and unclenching. She doesn't want to be angry at him, but the sheer stupidity and hypocrisy of this whole thing is maddening.

"Do you think that I'm somehow stronger than you? Did you think I was joking when I told you that I couldn't do this without you? You're wrong. You are so fundamentally wrong and stupid--" She pounds her fist against his chest, like she might be able to force her words in that way. Because he is clearly not hearing them when she says them.

"I do not have to allow him anything. If he wants to murder you for things you have not and will never do, then I will put myself between the two of you. And he is free to tear through me if he wants at you. I would prefer that kinder fate than the one that you have in store for me."

[carnagecarnival]

The slap is sharp enough to turn his head, even to make him stumble. He's not touching her anymore. He's not even looking at her. The cycling thoughts up in his thinkpan skirt to a stop and her words come in to roll over him and replace them, sinking down deep with furious snarls as he stares down wide-eyed at nothing.

Does he think she's stronger than he is? Yes. Yes, of course he does. He's always been dependent on her, to show him right, and then once he learned right, to keep him steady and help him deal with what blows came of being made motherfucking soft and armorless against the strife of the world. He's always needed her to give him reason of why all he even up and bothered. She was good and all of her own will, how could he think she was anything but strong, where she'd always, always been to standing him up where he was weak.

She was all these things, worthy of good things being of her. Not like him. Never him. He didn't deserve none of what good things he was offered he was a traitor, traitor, treacheous leech, blood traitor, traitor of the church, traitor to Messiahs, his ownself, Capitol, his friends, the empire, his lusus, the rebellion, Alternia, everyone, traitor, traitor...

He lived because he liked life, because he wanted all he had here and now, because he wanted to serve Messiahs but he knew what was being right.

Her fist pounds on his chest and he doesn't react. But her words sink in, all the way cleared with the crack ringing in his own ears, for all them to settle on down. He swallows.

"I DON'T... It ain't..." It's all false starts, then, "I AIN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. He deserves his chance. I DESERVE TO PAY!" It comes out a scream. Not at her. Never again at her. But still it breaks from him and it leaves him breathless. "I can't- I CAN'T- I can't make up for this. I CAN'T MAKE UP FOR NOTHING. I can justify it none at all no more. I DON'T WANT TO LET YOU GO. I don't, not ever, not for nothing. YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER, I KNOW IT. But how can I possibly face him? CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT MY OWNSELF NO MORE, TEREZI. He's going to find out along with all everyone else. I AIN'T NO BETTER THAN THE FUCKERS WHAT RUN THIS SHIT AND EVERYONE'S GOING AT KNOW THAT. I could save them all my own damn self and it won't matter, I'll still always be what I am. TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE'D WANT. It's the least... ain't it? AND YOU!" He can't stop. He's fucking crying before her now outright and he still can't. "What mother fucking good do I do you, Terezi? I DON'T DESERVE YOU. All I give at to you is more of my mess what to clean. ALL WHAT I GIVE IS MORE TRIALS AS TO FACE! I want to stop Terezi. I WANT TO STOP BEING THE ONE WHAT'S ALWAYS FUCKING HURTING EVERYBODY. I need to pay. I NEED TO PAY, AND MY OWNSELF ALONE!"

The guilt is swallowing, all rising up at once. He wonders, is this what his other self felt, when he deafened Meulin? Is this what pushed him to bite out his own tongue?

His teeth grind and he makes a faint noise as he fights it back. His eyes squeeze shut and his head hangs. "Not you. I'M SORRY. I don't want to drag you with me. AIN'T NEVER WANT SUCH THINGS. I didn't up and think..."