thecapitol | bottle your tears

Who| Mariko and everyone out there!
What| Mariko trying to keep herself together.
Where| the ever so popular roof of tribute center
When| right after Cruentus and Penny's post
Warnings/Notes| Mentions of self-starvation but that's about it, for now.

It hadn't taken a long time from her to learn just what was the true nature of the Capitol. She had learned about the avoxes, the chip inside her, the fate of district 3 and the horrifying power that these people had over her and other tributes. She had been watching television at the district 11 suite, when that shocking video had been posted online. After seeing it, Mariko had felt something heavy on her chest suffocating her. She had quickly left the suite to find some place safe, a place where she could breathe again.

So now Mariko stood on the roof top and stared at the view in front of her with a blank expression. Devastated didn't even begin to describe what she was feeling now. The lack of self-determination and control made her feel so frustrated, sad, angry and simply just upset. The food didn't hold much appeal to her anymore, not after what she had witnessed in the last arena, causing her to lose some weight. She missed her parents and her only friend Nanako and her first love Kaoru. All those important people to her who she would never see again. She wouldn't be able to speak Japanese ever again. She would have loved to speak English and French to people here, after all she had put lot of effort to her studies back at home! But now it all seemed pointless.

She looked down at her colorless hands and bit down on her lower lip. She hadn't been able to find nail polish of the right color on her own and it didn't feel right to ask favors from avoxes. Even the beautiful dark red dress she was wearing now didn't feel right-- it wasn't the dress she had chosen for herself but a dress that someone else had wanted her to wear.

Mariko felt like she was never going to feel happy again. It was like this world had robbed it away from her along with the other things. She wanted to cry so badly, but didn't want to give anyone who might be watching her that satisfaction (she had cried enough while being out in the arena).

Just when she felt like she would explode from all these feelings storming inside her, she closed her eyes, clenched her fists and began to scream.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" She screamed as loud as she could, only stopping for a brief moment to catch air before starting again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A wave of relief went through Mariko as the woman put her needles away. The gentle and calm voice helped he to calm down a little.

"I--" she took a deep breath and unclenched her fists. "No. I'm not alright. How could I be?! In a horrible, violent place like this!"

She's glad, somewhat that the girl seems a little calmer, and Rose hopes this means she'll avoid screaming again. All the same she keeps her tone gentle and soft, keeping her distance so she doesn't feel threatened.

"No, I don't suppose any of us feel completely alright here. But shrieking like that isn't going to fix the issue, it'll likely only cause more, yes?" She's reasoning with her, as much as she can.

Mariko shook her head.

"But I have to! I have to scream now or else I will explode!"

She shouted back desperately, surprised by the strength in her own voice. The feeling of embarrassment took over her causing her to turn her down to her feet. She hadn't mean to raise her voice like that, not when the other woman was still standing there in a calm manner, trying to understand her.

"They," she continued in more collected tone "--have taken everything away from me and I'm so tired of feeling scared, sad, confused and lonely all the time. Surely you understand?"

[woops, I just noticed that my previous tag was filled with typos. sorry!;;]

Rose holds her hands up, open, fingers spread ever so slightly as if that will will block the sound down. And she takes a step forward, one single step before pausing, waiting to see what reaction it gets her.

"They have taken much from all of us. They have taken us from our worlds, they have taken powers from some and native languages from others. They have taken away our ability to chose in many ways by placing us in these games." She's still calm but there's steel in her voice. "I understand I assure you."

"But screaming fixes nothing in the end. You are merely letting your frustrations control you, rather than channelling them towards something more useful." And, provided Mariko hasn't freaked from her first step, Rose takes another.

[Don't even stress I didn't even see em haha]

"I tried!" Mariko kept her head bowed and eyes shut tightly.

"I've tried, I swear! I've decorated my room to look like it did back at home! I've gone to shops, cafes and even to an amusement park!" Slowly she lifted her chin and turned her gaze towards the other woman. She was taken aback to seeing her suddenly moving closer to her but didn't react out.

"But it's all useless. Everything is still too horrible! It's like they are trying to take away my own will and try to turn me into someone else!"

"I never said make this your home," Rose continues and still she steps forward. There are some things she's not comfortable shouting across a roof and this conversation is veering towards those topics all too rapidly. "Only you can decide what is home, and there are little few who would look towards this place as a better place to be other than their homelands."

And Rose is finally close enough to touch Mariko, but she refrains all the same. But this close she can drop her voice, every inch of her alert. "They are trying to do that. They want to make us all part of the games, a source of entertainment. They take enjoyment from your distress, and here you are so openly giving it to them."

"Swallow it," she says, and it's blunt and curt and her stare is unwavering. "Swallow it all and play the games if you can, but don't give them any more of your tears. Because that is what you want, and it is something you still have power over."

A faint blush gathered on Mariko's cheeks as the other woman came close enough that they could whisper to each other, her words of reason finally starting to reach her. While she was blunt and maybe somewhat ruthless, Mariko could still find something empowering in her words. It all seemed like something that Kaoru, her 'prince', would say to her when she'd be feeling upset and acting ridiculously. The thought of her beloved idol comforting her added melancholy to the storm of emotions inside her, twisting her stomach painfully.

"I don't want to give them that," she gave her a small nod. "I don't want to give my feelings to anyone! I want to be able to laugh and cry when I want to without anyone to benefit from it! But--" she swallowed and looked back down to the ground. "But you speak of swallowing and bearing all this. I-I don't know how. I'm not like you. "

"That's good," she says, and she even manages an encouraging sort of smile. Rose is just glad her words seem to be reaching the girl that she's calming down and using her brain again. She's trying hard not to form connections, but there's a part of her that will always meddle, and it's coming out more and more these days. She half wonders if it's some subconscious maternal instinct, a thought that she brushes aside just as quickly.

"No, no one's like me." Rose smirks, a wry sort of smile. "And that's a good thing I hear. But you just need to be a little quieter. If you cause a problem too often they'll start thinking you're not worth the trouble. And that won't get you the result you want."

"Problem? I don't understand." She rubbed her eyes in confusion and shook her head a little, still not daring to lift her gaze from her feet.

"How am I causing a problem? I-I'm not talking or doing anything 'threatening', am I? I'm not causing a trouble! I just--" her words turned into a messy mumbling nearing the end. She had to take a pause just to stop another choked sob from escaping from her throat.

"I'm just.. coping."

"The screaming," Rose says, voice soothing. "I understand you're just doing it to try and cope with all of this, I do. But there are some who will see it as causing a disruption. You understand how, yes?"

bottle your tears

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