thecapitol | Even though you know it's the wrong thing to say

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Even though you know it's the wrong thing to say

Who| Felicity & Open.
What| Felicity tries to cope with girlfriend drama.
Where| Tribute tower common area.
When| During Family week.
Warnings/Notes| N/A? I'll update if necessary. Tag at your leisure! :)

Felicity was a mess. There was no other way to describe her current state of mind. All of the months she'd had to grieve and get her thoughts in order were meaningless now that Pippa was here. Beyond that, Pippa didn't seem to understand Felicity's resentment, having no idea of the betrayal she would eventually commit. The Pippa she was faced with was an uncorrupted, purer version of the Pippa she'd last encountered, and that made Felicity's heart ache all the more. She was enraged at Pippa, and for what? For something Pippa hadn't even done yet. It was all so unfair!

And she couldn't even appreciate Gemma's presence. Gemma, her dearest, truest friend in the world, the one person she could trust with her secrets, here at last. But soon Gemma would be gone, and Felicity would be alone again, left to mourn not only her best friend, but the girl she loved all over again. Felicity would have no one.

But perhaps it was better this way. Love was for the weak. Affection made people soft, and Fee could not afford the luxury of softness. She had to be bold and strong, and she couldn't let her feelings show. Instead, she put on a brave face, even as she excused herself from Pippa and Gemma's company in the District Two suites for some time spent alone in the common areas of the tower. She had to collect herself and be strong. Without her strength, she was nothing but a miserable, heartbroken little girl.

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Nasir's answer was comforting, but not only that. Perhaps without knowing it, he had reaffirmed the choice Felicity had made for herself. It was acceptable to choose life over love.

"Who is Agron?" She asked him at last.

Who was Agron? Nasir sensed what she meant was he was to him. He was not sure what to call him. He'd never had to do so before. All the rebels knew what they were to each other.

"Agron is a former slave, as I am. He helped free me from my dominus." Nasir smiled, remembering their first encounters. He would not have expected their relationship to become what it was, when the first words he heard Agron speak were to urge Spartacus to kill him. "He took my heart not long after and has held it since."

She looked a little surprised. She knew that there were men who loved other men in Panem, in fact she was quite close to Jet and Albert, but she still hadn't expected that Nasir would be... like them.

"He is your lover?" Her words were soft, not accusing, but unsure.

Nasir did not know the cause for her surprise. Perhaps if she had seen Agron and wondered at their differences, however superficial, she might have cause. But she knew nothing about him.

"Yes. He is here now though from a time before me. There are secrets I also must keep from him." He trusted that Felicity would not tell Agron that, not after confiding in Nasir.

He looked at her more closely. "News brings surprise?"

"Yes," Fee answered, a little embarrassed. "He's a man."

Immediately she felt rotten for pointing out the obvious, but it was worth mentioning. She's struggled so long against her own attractions, it almost hurt to see others could have what she so desperately wanted.

It was Nasir's turn to be confused and his brow furrowed a little.

"Yes, he is. Answer given falls short of explanation." Nasir had never encountered prejudice-- at least not about his relationship. The worst he'd endured was being called "Agron's boy." That was grating and he'd taken pains to prove he was more than capable of standing on his own.

She lowered her eyes, still ashamed. "Where I am from, it is not allowed for a man to take another man for his lover. It is called a sin. It is a crime. It is..."

Felicity's words faded from her lips just as she spoke them. She wanted to explain to Nasir the facts, then explain that she did not think he was wrong to love another man. But it was hard for her to say as much just yet. She felt that she was herself a degenerate. She loathed herself, hated her own desires so deeply. How could she accept it in others and not in herself? It all made her want to cry.

"Nasir. May I confess something to you?"

A crime? That sent Nasir only into deeper confusion. How could both the pleasures that came of entwined bodies and the enjoyment of each other's company be considered so terrible that it deserved punishment?

"You may." Nasir spoke slowly, both sounding and looking wary. He wasn't sure what Felicity had to say. Did she judge him for this?

There was something more to her expression though. It wasn't disgust.

Fee drew in a deep breath, as though she were trying to work up the nerve to actually say the words aloud. After one false start, she finally managed to get talking. "I am... that is to say, one might call me a Sapphist."

She waited for him to respond, uncharacteristically nervous. She felt as though she ought to clarify, to explain herself again, but she could think of nothing more to say. Nasir had been kind in his dealings with her so far. She had high hopes that he would not turn her away for this.

Sapphist. There were a number of words Nasir was familiar of that came close to that meaning but they all missed the mark. The core concept of exclusive homosexuality was foreign to both him and his language and so it wasn't translated.

He knew that Felicity had made an important confession. He didn't know what it was.

"Apologies." He began gently, not wanting to make her any more anxious. "I do not understand the meaning 'sapphist' carries."

"Sapphists are women who enjoy the company of women." She wanted then to take it all back. Having to spell it all out was almost too dreadful to bear. "I'm a sinner, too."

It was still strange to hear someone judge themselves so harshly for what was only natural. Among women, there was even no stigma, no "boy" in the relationship to look down on. Now more than ever, the future was even more difficult to grasp for Nasir.

"It is no sin. Where I am from, people enjoy company of both men and women. Jupiter himself took Catamitus for his own. You are not the first sapphist I have known."

"So, you are not repulsed by me?" Of course he wouldn't be, she knew. But it would be of great comfort to hear it aloud. She was not a sinner. She was not a degenerate. She had nothing to be ashamed about. It was a new perspective, one that hadn't yet settled in, but it gave her hope. Nasir's acceptance was one step along the path toward accepting herself.

"I have no cause to be repulsed." Nasir assured her. "I do not find you so. There is no shame in who you love."

He still couldn't comprehend how things could become so twisted in the future, but that didn't stop him from providing needed comfort. He kept looking into her eyes with acceptance and sympathy.

Felicity was beside herself. She didn't know whether she wanted to collapse from joy or shout from the rooftops. She wasn't a degenerate! She'd confessed her darkest secret to someone besides Gemma and it had been alright! Instead of shouting, however, she made to embrace Nasir.

"You've no idea what this means to me."

Though taken aback, Nasir did not move away from Felicity. He let her arms wrap around him. The embrace and Felicity's excitement only spoke to a deep seated fear that she'd held and Nasir, though he had spoken nothing but the truth, had helped relieve it, at least for now.

His arms came up to hold Felicity gently in return.

"I am glad I could help lift burden you carry."

"I am not ready to tell the world," she said softly as they parted. "But I must confess, I am incredibly relieved that someone else now knows about me. It has been so lonely keeping this part of my life to myself. It is so tiresome, to feel ashamed."

Nasir let go of Felicity. "There is no need to feel ashamed, Felicity but if you do not wish it, words of it will not pass lips. I have no cause to tell anyone." It never would have occurred to him to do so.

"You are a dear man." She looked markedly less troubled with each passing moment. "I am indebted to you, Nasir."

Before Nasir had been freed, when he was a slave, he would have capitalized on that sentiment and called in that debt at a later time. If he were smart he might do the same now. But he wouldn't. He was a different man now and one not chained to false ambition.

"You owe me no debt and if you did I would not collect it from you." Nasir smiled. "Gratitude for your words."

And this is why, in part, Felicity felt a growing admiration for Nasir. Most people she knew from home would fall over themselves to have something on her, even something as basic as a personal gratitude. If he only knew what it meant to her to be freed from those bonds. They weren't as harsh as slavery, but she felt a similar swelling of freedom from knowing that she owed him nothing for his friendship except friendship in return.

"I think I should like to return to the suite now. Won't you be a gentleman and escort me?" Without waiting for him to answer, she smiled took hold on his arm, as she was accustomed to doing.

Nasir did not mind when she took his arm. Touch was something he was used to, so long as it was between his comrades he did not care.

"When given voice so sweetly, I can't refuse request." Though the word gentleman hadn't translated so well, he understood the basic meaning.

Felicity puffed up a bit, feeling well cheered by his response and his kindness in general. She felt renewed and ready to face Pippa and Gemma in the suite. "Come, then. Let us go together, dear Nasir."

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Even though you know it's the wrong thing to say

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end?