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Who| Karkat Vantas, Cuthbert Allgood, Roland Deschain
What| luring Cuthbert into a card game so they can tell embarrassing stories about him
Where| the Commons bar
When| some time before the Thicker than Blood plot
Warnings/Notes| none expected - I'll update this if anything comes up

There's a wall at his back and the table in front of him sits at the middle of the room, not too close nor too far from the doorway. The glass and gloss of the place keeps catching the light and flashing in his eyes, but mostly the view's good. Roland doesn't truly expect to need a quick escape - from what he's seen, these people seem good at keeping the violence only where and when they want it. But he doesn't trust the people, trusts the place even less, and with that comes old habits. There are a couple decks of cards in front of him, one sitting to either side of his drink, and he flips them every now and then to study the unfamiliar pictures before glancing again at the doorway. There are two people he's waiting for, and this can't start without them. Maybe one of them will know what to do with these damned strange cards.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Roland, as it happens, needs very little explanation. Spend enough time traveling and you learn as well as you can to pick things up without one. But he doesn't say so, leaving the two to their banter and studying his hand instead. He knows none of the names of the figures on the cards in front of him, nor does he care to. The only important thing about these cards is that only two of them match. He sets his one pair on the table silently. Well, it's probably a good move tactically, that Cuthbert doesn't lose right away. He and Karkat can only really begin their 'plan' once they start taking each other's cards, anyway.

"Okay," Karkat says, "we'll start with me, since I was literate enough to read the rules for everyone." He turns to Cuthbert, who's on his left, and, squinting and frowning, lets his hands hover over Bert's hand before finally grabbing the card just to the left of the Lonely Old Lady.

Bert draws a card from Roland that does him no good and makes a face at his hand.

"When do we get to our stakes, then?"

He's so eager to get to the part where he gets his friends to do silly things or tell him secrets. The game itself hardly matters in comparison.

"Don't wet yer clouts, maggot," Roland mutters absently, making a passable imitation of Cort in one of his old sayings while he looks over his cards. "The world'll still be here in the half a moment it takes us to finish."

While he talks Roland holds a hand below the level of the table, between him and Karkat. There are symbols on each of the cards, nothing like the ones he's familiar with but simple enough that his hand - the left, luckily - can mimic the symbol of the one he'd like to be given. If Karkat has it and can manage to show Roland without tipping their hand, then Roland and Cuthbert will either need a tie breaker or they'll both lose, and Roland will say so.

If Roland doesn't end up with the card he needs, he'll lose, but he won't make a big deal of it. Either way, he just raises his eyebrows and watches the other two evenly.

"Maggot," Karkat repeats, with a snigger. "Now I know where you got the stupid thing about calling me different kinds of non-troll bugs."

He glances down at Roland's hand signal and shifts the needed card up about a centimeter.

"Huh," he says. "Now there's a thought. You can pretty much farm maggots with rotting meat, can't you? Maybe me and Terezi'll do that."

Cuthbert takes the opportunity to call Karkat something colorful he learned in Alternian. And he says it with a smile.

"Why ever would you want to farm maggots? Is that... I thought you had a mother grub for that sort of thing."

He gives Karkat an especially uncertain look, totally missing whatever shenanigans are going on under the table. They're actually pulling it off.

The card Roland decides to take, conveniently enough, happens to be just the one he needs. He sets his extra pair out on the table mildly, though even if he'd let anything peek through his expression he doubts the other two would notice.

Three pairs for Karkat, and two for himself and Cuthbert. Roland doesn't point it out as he'd planned to though, just takes a sip of his beer and watches the interplay between the other two.

"First of all," Karkat says, "troll grubs are not the same as maggots. Second of all, there is no mother grub here. There's not even a matriorb! And thirdly, if there were a mother grub here, we'd probably skip right over the brooding cavern trials, because for right now we need numbers more than quality, so most of the grubs would make it to being wigglers. And fourthly, those aren't the kind of grubs we want for grubloaf anyway."

He shrugs. "And yeah, okay, Panem maggots probably aren't optimal either, but they're close to the kind we're looking for."

Most of that goes in one ear and out the other. "And I thought I could talk a man's ear off. You make me look positively silent, Wiggler."

Bert looks down at the cards on the table and then back at the other men at the table. "So who won? I'd desperately like to dare Karkat to shut his fool mouth for a bit."

He knows it's the pot and kettle here, but he's not going to say that about himself. He just wants to get to the part of this game that's actually fun for him.

"Karkat." Roland looks from his and Cuthbert's two pair to Karkat's three, pointedly. "So either we both lost, or the victor gets to choose his bounty." Too bad, Cuthbert. You'll have to wait a little while longer. Or forever.

"Hmmmm," Karkat says, looking them both over. "I guess I could give one of you Veracity and the other one Ultimatum. So. Bert. I dare you to pet Maximus' stripebeast. Roland... Roland can tell me why the fuck he was calling Bert a maggot."

"What? Right now? You know you're far more afraid of him than I am."

Bert gets up from the table looking angry. He tucks his cards into one pocket because he doesn't trust them not to mess with them while he's gone.

"I was going to go easy on thee, but it seems I should spend my time thinking of some things to have thee do that are far worse than just being quiet. Mayhap Roland will learn a thing or two about troll biology today."

He pouts all the way out of his room and off to find Maximus or at least his tiger. He won't be gone too long.

Roland frowns after Cuthbert and puts his hands on the table, standing and refocusing the frown toward Karkat. "How dangerous is what you just asked him to do?" Roland will give you the benefit of the doubt before going after him, but by god if you get Cuthbert killed before he's even had the chance to get used to him being alive...

"Not as much as it sounds!" Karkat says hurriedly. "If it was a killer they wouldn't let Maximus keep it here. They're not actually big on death and fighting outside the arenas, probably because they can't turn it into money and scare tactics when it's not broadcast to everyone."

He manages to come back without any tiger bites, but he's still in a bad mood when he sits down. He doesn't like leaving the two of them alone because he's afraid they're talking about him.

"There, done. Or should I have brought him with me to prove it?"

He takes his cards out of his picket and holds them up for Roland to take one. "This time I'm going to get some terrible truth from you."

Karkat's words aren't exactly comforting, but convincing enough. So Roland doesn't go after Cuthbert, but does find his gaze snapping to him once he comes back. Neither of them are in the least bit concerned, Roland tells himself, but it's not until he looks Cuthbert up and down that he can take a breath and force himself back to the topic at hand. The check for any injury was obvious, maybe too obvious, but perhaps he'll get lucky and they'll both let it pass. Schoolboy pranks, he reminds himself. Nothing more than that.

"Karkat's already about to get some terrible truth from me. Something about maggots. Though why he's so curious I'm not entirely sure." Roland takes one of the cards on the far left, glancing at it. Still no hint of recognition at the figure upon it, but it does make a match. "We're switching direction, then?"

He turns to Karkat, eyebrows raised, and fans his own cards out. "Which means you're now taking one of mine. Do you think Cuthbert owes us something else, for changing the rules without warning? Some truth this time?" He's alert for any hint as to which card Karkat might need, and is ready to shift his grip and move that certain card ever so slightly upward whenever it's given.

"I'm curious because Bert keeps calling me things like 'grasshopper' and 'cricket' and 'beetle,' because he's an asshole," Karkat retorts. "I mean, I don't call him 'nut creature' or 'hoofbeast' or 'monkey' even though they're all mammals." While he's saying this, he makes signals for two of the cards he needs under the table and as luck would have it, one of Roland's cards does move slightly upward in response. He takes that card, Brasia Bartender, and sets down it and its pair in the center. "I think Bert should tell us something about girls," he says. "Or boys. Whichever. I guess it would have to be girls since you guys are weird about that shit. Specifically, if he'd ever gotten a date before he came here."

Edited 2014-05-14 03:23 (UTC)

"I don't trust your cards, Cricket. And if you didn't want to be teased, I wouldn't tease thee."

He's sore over the cards he has and being picked on by his friends. It's only fun when he's the one picking on them.

"Why would you hear about girls, then? You seem upset to even think about what I do with miss Nepeta, and I've been nothing more than a gentleman to her. Would you real hear the things I would do were I not a gentleman?" He's starting to get pissy at Karkat. "No, I've not had a date. Care to rub that in, too?"

Edited 2014-05-14 04:55 (UTC)

"Not for lack of charm, I'm sure," Roland murmurs, then turns to Karkat for the promised explanation. "Maggot's just something our old teacher used to call us. His way of calling us insects and babies in one go, I think." And also, Roland is sure, to make sure they knew that though one day he may serve them, right then they were fit only to crawl beneath his shoe. But there's potential for misunderstandings there, and hurt feelings besides, and so Roland keeps it to himself. "We're 'weird' about it? How's that?"

"Because of the stupid idea that males can only human romance females," Karkat explains. "Which, okay, I can sort of guess why you guys are like that, because humans don't seem to really understand any sort of romance besides mating fondness and the whole purpose of that is to ensure the next generation and Bert told us about the really gross and traumatic way humans reproduce and how it's strictly males with females. But it's still weird." He shrugs. "Trolls don't care."

"Then be a man, or whatever your species calls it and break off what you have with me. I've done nothing but be patient with your hateful love and you're still going to tell me that I don't understand you? Mayhap I prefer girls because boys like you are not worth my time."

He fidgets under the table, this wasn't the kind of argument he wanted to have in front of Roland. He even looks up at his oldest friend and gives a half smile.

"Cry pardon, friend. This is not the sort of thing I wanted to share freely. And I might have warned you better in advance."

Roland's face, for the record, has gone totally blank.

Well. At least one thing hasn't changed - there are still times when Roland honestly and completely has not the faintest idea whether Cuthbert is joking.

Has Cuthbert just declared that he's sleeping with the boy sitting next to him? Is this a very strange misunderstanding, or a very solemnly presented joke?

Roland doesn't know. What he does know is that there is a glass of beer in front of him, and that for as long as is reasonable he is going to hide his face behind it. He does so, leaning back and making a twirling motion with two fingers. Never mind me, he means the gesture to say. Go on with whatever the hell it is this conversation has just turned into.

"Oh my fucking lord," Karkat growls, "I wasn't trying to insult you personally, Bert, just your stupid species! And you're a fucking hypocrite besides because you're all 'oh, I'm a gentleman' with Nepeta while you're trying to get into my nook! I might have a nook, but that doesn't mean I want to bear your young! But fine. Whatever. Be that way." He crosses his arms in front of him. "Like any of the girls here would pail you. Felicity's surprised you've got a girlfriend at all."

"You weren't trying to insult me, just everything I am. That's so much better! Has it occurred to you that Roland is human too? And that I've saved your life more than once?! I don't want to infect you with my young or anything similar, and you're a fool for clinging to that. Or is it just that you will take any excuse to string me along?"

Yeah, this isn't going as expected. Bert stands up from the table so he can tower over Karkat while he finishes his rant. He's trying to ignore his friend and dinh watching this. It's embarrassing enough that it's probably being filmed as well.

"Felicity wouldn't know from anything because she'll never find a man of her own. Unless the two of thee end up together in some partnership based on your terrible personalities."

Roland's eyebrows, already high, rise even further when Cuthbert attempts to pull his name into his rant. He's very aware, though, of just how little he understands. The reasons the argument started, the insults they've used, whatever it is that's passing between them. Even when he used to complain that he didn't understand Cuthbert at all, he's never felt quite so ignorant as to what's going on in his friend's head. Or maybe his heart.

So he stays silent, watches, tries to catch up as best he can by listening. It's not working out very well. There is one thing he understands, though, and that's when things have begun to go a little too far. "Cuthbert," he says, voice quiet but sharp. Bringing another into this - and in such a casually cruel way, with jealousy so obvious even Roland, out of his depth as he is, can see it - should be beneath someone who's won his guns long ago.

"Karkat," he says, beginning to gather up all their cards. This is one idea he won't try again quickly. "Do you know of somewhere less public to finish this?" Lover's spats should never be had out in the open, after all. But at least one of them can recognize which thoughts are born of cruelty, so he doesn't say it.

And no, Cuthbert doesn't get consulted on this matter. Maybe if he has a moment where no one's speaking to him he'll cool down a little.

Edited (cutherbert, ohmygod, Roland knows what his best friend's name is I promise) 2014-05-18 03:10 (UTC)

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