When you were young you were the king of carrot flowers

[carnagecarnival]

Who| Initiate, Gamzee, Kurloz, and the old goat! OPEN TO ALL!!

What| Bad raps, bad food choices, bad habits, bad people, brooding. Come meet the Makaras!

Where| All over the tribute tower, the commons, D5, and outside

When| Thicker Than Blood week!

Warnings/Notes|  Swears and slurs. Drug references. Past abuse/neglect implied. Atrocities done in the name of rap and miracles. Body modification / self harm / mouth stitching. Creepy awful people with Problems.

[Multiple prompts below in comments. Be sure to specify if you want one or another or all in prompts with multiple characters.]

Comments

[Initiate, Gamzee, Kurloz, The Seagoat] Late night outside the tribute tower

[carnagecarnival]

The old goat is miserable. Bored. Hungry with only small, already culled fish to eat, and no beasts great as him or other trolls to chomp down on. The old goat feels trapped, wanting bigger space but not wanting to lower himself to dragging his sodden self onto land. The Initiate can tell all this, and unsympathetically, he thinks, as he motherfucking should feel. Feel as all that he motherfucking should. He's a little surprised his Da hasn't tried to break for it anyway, he can move just as well on land as in water, could tear right through the city and crush everyone who got under his hooves. Maybe someone somehow made it clear to the goat that he'd be tranquillized, brought down and culled. Maybe those fish the Capitol have been supplying are drugged.

He doesn't leave the goat, and the other two are not to leave him. It's why the three of them are settled on the back of his tired, half-submerged Da. His alter lays near the tail, body spread straight and hands folded over his chest, a false sense of peace, and the Initiate doesn't think he's truly asleep at all. Just pretending.

His alter takes to Capitol whims with glee. He waves to people, bows to them. He lets them dress him up with enthusiasm. He's reminded of capitolites, seadwellers. He can't care what his alter wears-- right now, a thing of feathers and bones, invoking demons and angels-- but that he just lets the Capitol do as it wills, that bothers him. They're alternates of the same person. Not just that, but this is himself as he was, a living embodiment of an unknown past. And yet he feels like a stranger. He remembers too, when he first found out of the his past self, imagining the reason on those stitches, a vision of some kind, one bestowed by Messiahs themselves and hearing that assented to by Kankri. Funny how he can't decide whether he's jealous or not, if he feels betrayed by how the secrets have been denied him where his alter is privy, or if he's just motherfucking relieved.

The Initiate, dressed to match sits in the middle, ready to move in either direction, ready for the churn of the goat, when his Da finally rears to move and attack. Drown the three of them together and flee for his own life with another damn thought. He doesn't blame his alter for opting out of sleep, truly.

Gamzee though, does not. Gamzee sleeps shockingly deep, clinging tight to his Da's horn and the fur right at the back of the goat's head. His descendant alternates between sprawling out and taking up space, and curling up as small as he can make himself be, but he doesn't let go of Da. Initiate does blame him a little for that.

Capitol has had at him too, dressing him in loose fabrics making him look even scrawnier than he is, claws painted green and rainbow glitter dusting his arms half-washed off from having fallen in the water earlier, before the Initiate pulled him out. Strangely, though that one isn't him, the Initiate sees more of himself there, but in ways that jar him and make him think of times forgotten. But the kid's so, so damn naive it's near to be something motherfucking paniful. He remembers too, that in this kid's future is a path of doing the Messiah's work, of going off beyond the death of the universe, a fate shared with Terezi and the barest handful of others. Again jealousy pangs, before he remembers his own failure-- his alter's failure.

One isn't to question the Messiahs. They know the grand plot. But he wonders and he almost wants to ask. He is still for so long and then his palms press together, his forehead touching to his hands. He prays. Tell him, Messiahs, what he is to do with these two? What must he impart and what may be imparted to he, if anything at all? He wishes they would whisper to him now, as they had so many times before.

He's roused by shifting and sliding, and he's up and running, grabbing Gamzee by the arm before he slips off. Gamzee wakes and scrambles back up, muttering thanks and crawling back to the exact same damn spot. He turns and his alter is staring at him, sitting upright, eyes wide and shining in the dark. The Initiate shakes his head wordlessly, shurgging his shoulders, and his alter presses his lips together and nods, settling back. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs heavily before moving back to where he was, a little further down so he can dip his feet in the water and feel it there.

Re: [Initiate, Gamzee, Kurloz, The Seagoat] Late night outside the tribute tower

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Most of her nights now are spent up with her lusus. For all she has adjusted, the bright brilliant lusus does not and it's all she can do to stay beside them, hands curled in the fur, trying not to fall asleep. It's odd to stay up all night again. Odd to sleep until the sun is already lowering again. But this night she managed to keep her lusus up most of the day and she's free to roam a little.

It's easier to walk around with them. It hurts to think that, honestly, but it is easier. There's less attention and less worry that those claws will find some purchase in the Capitolites. Less worry they'll be put down.

So it's easier to find him. Discreet questions led her out here--only to find a whole party of them there, three of them and a lusus. A matched set. She sees the other one there in bones and feathers, sees the Initiate like him. A smaller one up on top, perhaps his descendant. She has a moment to wonder what he is like before she catches their notice.

She's dressed in her green this time after all, a more usual leather and fur affair, not the decadent things they'd covered her in lately. Her hais is more tamed than usual, the front done in tiny braids, each with a little cat hairclip at the end. It's an odd contrast but the Disciple doesn't seem to notice. Or care that is.

"Initiate? I needed to talk to you." And what a strange thing that was to say.

Re: [Initiate, Gamzee, Kurloz, The Seagoat] Late night outside the tribute tower

[carnagecarnival]

The goat starts lifting his head before any other does and on that the Initiate is running up fast to the head of the goat, grabbing onto Gamzee. "DON'T YOU MOTHERFUCKING DARE!" He snaps at his Da, who's already getting a growl up on and on, already thinking of what cat tastes like.

He snaps his fingers and points at his alter points to the head of the beast, Kurloz is moving, somehow balancing even with his shoes and he takes Initiate's place by the horn. His Da ain't placated-- he's never been able to do such and he never will, but this is as close as he can manage. Gamzee mumbles, honks, and shifts, blinking bleary eyes open, before the Initiate pulls him further away from the water, to the middle of goat. He looks up at the Disciple then, and if it isn't impossible to tell with his make up, he looks tired.

He dives into the pool, disappearing beneath the water, until a second later, he's climbing up and out over the side. He shakes himself out, disguising a shudder, and he walks on over, dripping. Apparently, somehow, it wasn't enough to completely take the make up off. Just smear it the tiniest bit. He glances back at his alter and descendant-- and his Da-- just to be sure. Then he looks to her lusus, then to her and says, "Aight. SCHOOLFEED HIM."

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She watches that flurry of activity with cautious eyes, her hands always wrapped tight around the leash just in case--just in case. When things seem to calm a little, he jumps in the water, just like that. Like it's not dangerous or anything. She takes a few steps back before he surfaces. He's closer now and his other version farther away. She drags her eyes from the one in heels, with a smile that makes her wince and wonder all at once and looks up at Initiate. His hair is surprising full even wet. Weird.

"Has she talked to you yet? She didn't mean to hurt you personally and don't you dare yell about her wanting to go back into the arenas. You and I both know we're trying to get our quadrants out before ourselves. Don't yell at her for going back in--in fact just don't yell at her."

Her hands are on her hips and she's never felt quite this protective of a troll besides Signless before. And there wasn't two other people just as protective here with her, it was just her and him. She felt the cat clips bounce against her arms.

[carnagecarnival]

Like it's not dangerous or anything. He'd beg to differ. But he's not here to talk with her about that. Or he thinks she isn't it.

It becomes pretty quickly clear who she's talking about. The sister what all ran from him, what all he screamed at. What all he's wondered if she'll even want near him the fuck at all after all that.

And here's the Disciple in her stead.

He doesn't even get to answer her question before all she's telling him what he can't and can't do. He can't help it. He riles.

He does smile like his alter or his descendant. He smiles cruel. "Well ain't the just well and perfect, since all at what be moment forthwith we are, let's up see, ah yes! WE AIN'T MOTHERFUCKING TALKING UP AT ALL. Doing about as much yelling up in this wicked business as that fucker." He jabs a thumb at the space behind him, where Kurloz sits with the goat. He's doing what he does best, burying himself, and for once he knows it. "THE WICKED NOISE IS NIL."

And he's not miserable about that. It's for the better, it's for the motherfucking better. And if he tells himself that enough he'll believe it.

"If that's all what as you was wanting, then we're done here."

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

Her eyes narrow and she steps in close. Her hands start sliding down into fists--but she forces them loose. A deep breath. She looks back over at Kurloz, then flits to him right in front of her.

"I can't believe we were ever red." She says, harsh for a moment, "Talk to her. She's afraid, you hurt her deeply. I know she hurt you and she's so afraid you won't talk to her again. That it's broken. Whatever you two have."

[carnagecarnival]

"FUNNY THAT, HE CAN'T EITHER. When the fuck did you find out?" He snaps. Did his alter blab? Typical. Can't even trust the mute motherfucker. Can't even trust a fucker's own goddamn self. The traitor.

And the fuck does that mean, whatever they two have?

"I GOT HER LIST DONE UP MADE STILL," He growls. "Rude intentions what all to cull they by tally I have not. HER PEOPLE ARE SAFE. She'll get a relief up and on proper as on that, he's sure, and then she can go at on her mirthless motherfucking way. A CAT SISTER CAN GET ALL CONCEDING THE HARSH NOISE HER OWN SELF AND THEN SHE'LL GET PROPER ELATION UP AND ON."

That's what all this was about. It must be. Thinking him to go back on his word.

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

"She's not worried about that! It never even crossed her mind! She's worried you hate her okay, and not in the good kind of way, in the way where you never talk to her again."

Her cheeks are flushed in her surrogate anger--how dare he be so rude to Terezi, who didn't understand what she did wrong. Who was scared he wouldn't accept her apology.

"And if you really want to know, Kankri told me we were close but he--" And she nods over the water at his other self, "--told me. Bowed to me and all these weird things..."

[carnagecarnival]

"Oh, weird things. WELL THAT'S JUST GREAT! Real motherfucking illuminating! HE BOWS ALL THE FUCKIN TIME AND I GOT HALF SURENESS HE'S CURTSIED WHENEVER ALL HE'S DRESSED SUCH. He likes the plays as all what he can tell. BUT FUCK IT, THEY'RE BITCHIN', THIS MOTHERFUCKER LIKES 'EM TOO!" His false smile is made to a frown again. "What all I ain't down for, is this hoofbeastshit. SISTER, IF I HATED HER DO YOU THINK I'D GIVE A DAMN UP ON AT FOR ANY OF THIS?" He asks. But it ain't enough just to leave it at that. It isn't enough to let it stand there as it is. He puts on a look of utmost seriousness.

"She won't look out after herself, Disciple, you know she won't," He says slow, enunciating. "TEREZI PYROPE DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORDS. Tezeri Pyrope kills a fucker what all incites her isolation, TEREZI PYROPE GETS ALL IN THE WAY OF ME WHEN I GOT INTENT TO HURT A FUCKER, Terezi Pyrope don't give tell of the name of they what all who near kill her because she don't want them harmed none, TEREZI PYROPE GIVES UP HER TOKENS FOR SOME UNCOUTH STRANGER AND DROWNS HERSELF, Terezi Pyrope who hates the cull up in most unrighteous despiting. HER DEATH IS NIGH, DISCIPLE. If all it were any goddamn other this wouldn't all be a thing but she put her intent whole up on it to the point where all the win shines repulsive. ONE OF THESE DAYS CAPITOL WILL GIFT HER SUCH ROWDY DESIRING AND IF YOU AIN'T HAD FOR REVELATION UP ON SUCH YOU GOT YOURSELF FOOLED TRUE. I ain't saying she can't fucking die if that's what all she wants. SHE WANTS AT TO THROW HER LIFE FUCKING AWAY, IT AIN'T MOTHERFUCKING MINE WHAT TO SAY NO. But she's got some damn nerve what all be of her if she's got thought of his ownself sitting through that execution idle. SHE WANTS AT TO DRAG ME ALONG FOR IT ALL, EVEN NOW, THAT'S WHY ALL YOU'RE HERE." He gestures at her as he speaks those words. He wonders what she means to Terezi. What Terezi means to her. He wonders if even with the care there, if it makes a difference. Or maybe they got it hashed to not mattering between them.

"Hate her?" He says. "NO. That ain't near it. IF I HATED HER AS SUCH I COULD LET THE DYING SONG ENGULF LIKE FLAME TO A HIVESTEM. But I can't do it. DO YOU GET ME? I can't do that thing where all you hang on only to lose them. THAT'S SOME MOTHERFUCKING MADNESS RIGHT ALL THERE. A madness that is like to up and be. ARE YOU ON OF A READYING FOR SUCH LURID TRAGICOMEDY? If she's gonna go I need to be the person what all can take that. BUT THE PERSON WHAT ALL CAN BE OF SUCH AIN'T THE PERSON SHE NOR ANYONE WANTS FOR. That ain't even the fucker I want all complete no more, aight, but the the moment, sister, the motherfucking moment where all it gets to be thought safe they will drag her out like the rug from under. I GOT HER AND HIM UP BETWEEN ME AND THAT. And if you dare lay judgement up on trying to get on preparation..." He holds her eyes right up until then. Then he drops them, turning his head away and shaking it.

"I REFUSE... to allow her Mirth forsaken claw to hold onto mine and ask of me the holding of hers... IF ALL WHAT SHE WANTS AT TO BE LED TO IS HER OWN MOTHERFUCKING NOOSE. I ain't think that's too much what to ask."

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

She doesn't understand them, their intense fear of things, their strange relationship. Her nails bite into her hands as she listens, meeting his eyes until he looks away. She doesn't take care of herself--no she doesn't. And she wants to the person who makes her, who tells her things are dumb and that she should take care of herself. That she should keep trying to live even if she gives up her chance of opting out entirely.

She doesn't want to tell him that, not when it's fresh and uncertain and new, she doesn't want to spout pale bullshit about her at him that he doesn't need to or deserve to hear.

"She wants what you want. To get others out. To save your quadrants before yourself. To go back in to make sure everyone is okay and to help them--I do that every time I go back into the arena and I thought--maybe Signless had a chance this time, maybe I could get him to the end. Maybe we could collect all 12. Maybe I could get him out and then work on Terezi, Karkat, Nepeta, Psiionic--even if he doesn't want my help."

She shakes her head, "Maybe I get it because I understand what she wants. She didn't give it up to be led to her noose, she doesn't want to die. She just wants to help everyone else. Sure she's dumb as shit about it sometimes but she meant so well. I told her none of us want to be on the outside looking in, none of us want to watch our friends die again and again. Just--talk to her okay? She wants to apologize, I know it, she does. Just don't yell at her this time? I mean, I wasn't there, but I can assume you yelled. You do that when you get angry."

[carnagecarnival]

Or maybe you get it because you can take it, he thinks. Maybe you get it because you've already had people go before you. And you know you can take it. His eyes bore into her.

"I AIN'T PROMISING NOTHING. I don't exactly go in intending these things so I will not allow myself to lie," He says, firm. "I WILL TALK TO HER IN MY TIME." It's fair thing to request and bah on anyone who disagrees. She said don't yell, after all.

"But I will tell you again what all I told her. SHE BROUGHT ME INTO THIS, NOT ME BRINGING 'ROUND HER. It was she who ignored my demands initial that she fuck off and it was her what made me stop asking such. SHE IS IMPORTANT TO ME. But if she refuses to mind a caring of her own, especially here, where all they look for such to drag the fuck down... I WILL NOT BE MADE TO LINGER BY SHE JUST SO I CAN WATCH HER DEATH. I will not be given false hope. YOU AND I SHOULD BOTH KNOW WELL BY NOW, ONE CAN'T SURVIVE AND STILL HAVE PEOPLE WHAT TO CALL ONE'S OWN. It's how Alternia worked and it is how things work here."

[disciplewhomsignlessloves]

At his gaze, she feels herself stiffen, head raising up and eyes meeting his. Again she has to wonder about the doppelganger across the water, what he thinks of their fights, of the harsh words. The way they stand apart. She needs to talk to Signless or Kankri, she thinks in passing, before her attention flits back to him before her.

"Take the time to calm, it's better for her anyways. If she comes to you before then, at least tell her you'll talk to her another time. She..." Disciple pauses, shakes her head and rolls what he says around in her head. Musing over it, how to respond.

"I know. Truly, I do? I don't want to see her die, watch her, but I won't give up the hope that I can't survive and have my people. Why was I brought here, in the end, if not for the second chances. If things are fate--I never thought they were, but if they are--then isn't it fate that I meet people I knew were dead or gone, people I couldn't have survived long enough to meet? People I would never have met? I don't think fate is that cruel, to give me these chances and make them all for naught. To torment me again by giving me things only to see them die."

And she admits aloud something she might never have to him, "Life was cruel enough to us, wasn't it? Why would it give us cruelty all over again. Second chances to find someone. Isn't that why you found Psiionic? I think this is a chance to change things. If death is permanent at home, isn't the impermanence of death a chance?"

[carnagecarnival]

Fate. A working of the Messiahs.

He wants to believe that. So badly he motherfucking wants to believe.

"TO MAKE FOOLS OF THOSE DELUSIDELUDED CAUGHT IN THE FALSEHOODS BARBED AND THINKING IT RIBBON? To punish for the act of sin and sins up and done? TO TEACH MOTHERFUCKING LESSON ELLUSIVE TO THE UNINGENIOUS OF THE WICKED WORD? He ain't the Messiahs two, he ain't motherfucking know sister, that ain't shit I can scry, I..." He runs a hand through his hair. He looks up, skyward.

"RIGHTNESS UP AND BE. A truth has been preached. ROWDY PERPLEXIONS GET WHIMSY SPUN OF HIM, FOGGING OCULARS, PUTTING NOISE UP IN THE CARTILAGE." He laughs unhappily. "He'll... try to talk to her. AIN'T NO GUARANTEE TO BE MADE UP ON SUCH FOR HOW ALL IT WILL GO, AIGHT? But he will make at for it to be done. NOT TO WASTE. Ain't going to waste this chance what all has been gotten for." He sighs, and doesn't look at her. "LIFE WAS MOTHERFUCKING CRUEL TO GODDAMN EVERYONE. For everyone a cruelty could be found. EITHER STRIVED FOR IT, WITH IT, AS HOW ALL EVER IT WAS WILLED. Or didn't up and have for it at all."

[pythianjudgment]

It's later in the week when Terezi finally gets the courage to approach Fraysong again. It's been too long, and after all the people she's talked to... This need to happen. She can't keep putting it off.

Still, when she does approach, she lingers hesitantly a good distance from the pool. She can smell the way the water ripples along the surface, and it reminds her of how easily she could slip through, down into that darkness. It makes her fingers curl instinctively, clutching the fabric of her pants. But she stays there, waiting, and hoping that if she waits long enough, he'll come to her.

[carnagecarnival]

It's too hard to completely ignore the sensation of being watched. But then, what does one call being watched by a blind girl?

His head lifts and his eyes find her. He stills. He doesn't want to do this. He ain't know what all to even do. Digging his claws into an open wound would be easier. He'd cringe less.

He rises slow, seeing her across the way. And then he dives down into the water, carefully not thinking of anything of it. He resurfaces again and climbs up and out. He rings out his hair and clothes, stalling, before finally walking over. He doesn't say a word.

[pythianjudgment]

The moment that Terezi smells him slide into that water, her breath catches. She almost starts forward, almost calls his name, almost reaches out to grab him despite the distance... But he's back to the surface in no time, and she relaxes, relief seeping through her.

He's okay, she tells herself. He's fine. He's... coming over. Suddenly, she's not so sure that this was a good idea, but there's no going back now. The silence between them is thick enough to cut with a knife. She bows her head a little, her blind gaze fixed on the ground at his feet.

"I'm sorry." She starts with the hardest words first, the ones that make her want to run away from all this and pretend it never happened. "I shouldn't have done what I did. I shouldn't have... taken something you taught me and used it like I did. I wasn't thinking... about how you would feel about that."

[carnagecarnival]

It surprises him. Stuns him really, to get an apology. Its strangely not as satisfying as he might've guessed it to be, with how others talked about it.

"FORGET IT. It's done," He says, looking off to the side. Even though he can't forget such. "OF WHAT PRICES COME HE HAS MADE ON TO PREACH ALREADY. Now we've both learned individual." Which ain't lies. It's truth. Just because it still boils up in him don't mean anything. His fists clenching at his sides don't make things different.

"THE DISCIPLE CAME TO HIM, IN PRIOR HOURS," He admits after a long awkward pause. "Preaching tale of this thing and that. PREACHING TO THE SWING OF THE TAIL OF HER MOTHERFUCKING LUSUS. I ain't know what she told you in turn, but I will speak thus. I WILL STAY OUT OF IT. I will let a sister do as she wills to. WHATEVER SUCH THINGS BE. I ask one thing. A THING SINGULAR IS WHAT ALL THIS MOTHERFUCKER ASKS."

He breathes deep, like one does before the pull of a trigger. It's a shot to the head or a shot to foot, or maybe the break of fingers on the pull. No telling which yet. But it's going to be one of them.

"Let him be left out of it. THIS IS NOT A THREAT," He clarifies, holding a hand up. He doesn't want this to be a threat. "This is him asking, please, don't keep doing this. WE ALL WANT OUR OWN OUT, THIS IS WHAT HAS BEEN PREACHED TO HE. Unto he this has been preached but you and I both know at that extent what all you think ain't ending. HE CAN'T BE AND YOUR FRIEND AND WATCH YOU SEE TO YOUR OWN CULLING AS ALL LIKE WHAT HAD BEEN. I ain't going to be made to allow this and still be made to care. TAKE MY SWORD BUT DO NOT TAKE MY MOTHERFUCKING SHIELD. A futile hope ain't no thing what I have want for and you should know this already. THIS IS THE LINE."

And then he falls silent. He waits.

[pythianjudgment]

Forget it, he says, like it meant nothing; and she's not sure how to take that. It makes her uneasy... perhaps because he's still tense. This isn't over yet.

At the mention of Meulin, Terezi looks surprised. It's clear by her face that she had no idea the other troll had come to talk to him. She hadn't meant for her to get involved... But that's not the important part. The important part is when he says he'll let her do as she likes, for only one thing. She almost agrees right there, almost tells him "anything".

She's glad that she doesn't. Her face falls at his condition, and she shakes her head. "I can't," she says, a bit of desperation in her voice. "Why does it have to be that? Why are you so convinced that I'm going to die? That I'm trying to get myself killed?"

She doesn't understand it. Not where he's getting that idea or why he seems so sure of it. Her shoulders sag. What does she have to say to convince him?

"Do you know why I drowned myself in there?" Her voice is quieter, less confident. She's not sure that arguing will even work, but she has to try something. "...Did Meulin tell you that?"

[carnagecarnival]

"Why does it have to be that? SISTER--" He's cut off. He holds his damn tongue, teeth clamped down.

She finishes. He breathes. "No, she did not," He says. What did it matter why. He's already been told why. He's been goddamn schoolfed that her desire to be the last emptied vein laying within an empty arena is exactly what she wants. Why does he have to here it again that she'd rather such over anything? Why rub it in?

"IF STOPPING AIN'T A SISTER'S CAPABILITY, THEN DON'T. I said she could didn't I? I SAID I AIN'T TO INTERVENE, I MOTHERFUCKING SURRENDER, AIGHT?" He mocks a bow with both arms spread wide without dropping his gaze this time. Congratulations Pyrope, you're the one and only who could bring such. "Why ain't that enough?"

[pythianjudgment]

"I don't want your surrender, Kurloz!" Her voice sounds desperate again, in the light of him not understanding. "This isn't some kind of battle that needs to be won."

Why doesn't he get that? Why does this have to be so hard? Suddenly, she's not sure that she wants to tell him this. He'll just find another way to twist it around, to make it something that she didn't mean.

...But there's also the chance that he won't. And she has to try.

"I drowned myself because I wanted to come back. I went in there with a plan, and then they were threatening to actually kill us. And my first thought and my last thought was that I had to come back. I couldn't be another broken promise in your life. I didn't want to break that trust."

She pauses, her lips pressing into a line as she furrows her brow up at him. "But I can't break something that I don't have. You won't believe me because you don't trust me. And that's all I want. Trust me, that I'm going to do everything I can to stay right here."

[carnagecarnival]

It cuts, her confession. It digs all write the fuck in, churning guts. I couldn't be another broken promise in your life. His fists clench.

"DON'T," He says. "Don't tell me you drowned yourself for me. THAT AIN'T FAIR. That ain't motherfucking right and you should know that, damn you Pyrope! I DID MOTHERFUCKING TRUST YOU!"

He feels like it's been thrown in his face and he doesn't like it. He had his doubts when she tried to stop him that time in the arena, when all came apart, but since then...

Since then he hasn't been able to do anything but. He's let her on with so much, it doesn't feel like too much to ask. For her safe or to be allowed to step back. He feels like he's walked into some stupid sort of trap and now his dumb motherfucking ass ain't never getting out.

"They talked of a time limit, I watched, they talked of having to make it before then," He tells her. "PREACHED UP ON SUCH THEY DID AND THEY ALL MADE FOR TRYING TO WIN. But you didn't, sister, you had for option of either and you didn't, and you don't think that motherfucking says something? HOW MANY ARENAS OF INTENT ALL ON GUIDING IN PAST AND FUTURES DO YOU IT TO FIGURE IT TO MOTHERFUCKING TAKE? You say you'll do what it takes but you yourself admitted unto a denying of such ways out. THIS AIN'T ABOUT TRUSTING YOU. It's trust motherfucking dice roll as per how the capitol gets its whims. THIS AIN'T A THING WHAT I WANT AT TO BET ON." Because he knows how will end. He's been on the winning side before.

[pythianjudgment]

Don't, he says, and she flinches at the word. She regrets telling him that almost immediately, a deep teal burning in the tips of her ears. Stupid Pyrope. Stupid. Her embarrassment doesn't subside, even as he continues. He talks about dice rolls, and she still doesn't think he understands. He doesn't see it.

"Kurloz. How many mentors do we have left?" She asks it quiet, her blind gaze fixed on the ground, like a schooled child. "There's Max and Wesker. That Kevin guy in One, I think. Mindy, Enjolras. That's five. There's three others... Two avoxed, one publicly tortured and murdered. Eight mentors, but nine arenas, before that stupid special arena. There must be another who slipped off the radar somewhere. Who knows what happened to them."

She pauses, mulling her point over in her head. "That's...not very good odds. Two thirds, at best. Half, at worst. Less than half, if you believe the rumor that they're sending Enjolras back into the arenas. And you would throw me into that lot?"

"I don't want to win. But its not because I think dying is all noble or something. Its because it's dangerous. If I thought for a minute that being out of the arena was safer, I wouldn't have killed Signless that first arena. I wouldn't have ditched Karkat and Cuthbert in the last one. Nothing here is safe! It's just some stupid illusion that they breed to keep us running for that goal."

Terezi shakes her head, finally looking up at him with that blank red stare. "You told me once that I was special... Not in so many words, but you said I have a gift, and I should practice with it. You built me up, when I didn't think it was worth anything to try. And now you're asking me to abandon it. To give up the only chance I have of using that power. ...So what now? Was it pointless, that practice you told me to do? Do you want me to give up on that now? Do you think that's any easier than asking you to give up your voodoo?"

[carnagecarnival]

"Then what motherfucking exactly are we supposed to do?" He grinds out through his teeth. There's desperation now and he hates it. "IF YOU THINK THE MENTORS AREN'T SO SAFE THEN WHAT ARE WE EVEN UP AND GODDAMN DOING? There are more mentors than just the nine, they hide out in the districts and capitol, and otherwise. THE ONE WAS KILLED BECAUSE SHE WAS FUCKING REBEL WHAT HER OWN LOT THOUGHT WORTHLESS ENOUGH TO LET DIE. The others probably spoke some treason. LESSON GODDAMN LEARNED. The odds for motherfuckers not coming back in arena are still higher. THEY DON'T KILL MENTORS JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE MOTHERFUCKING BORED OF THEM OR IT I'LL MAKE A BETTER SHOW TO WATCH HOW ALL OTHERS REACT UP ON THEIR GOING!"

He hasn't answered her question. He's bowled right over it, he knows. He doesn't think its over for their power but that's not something he can say and that's not the point.

"Give me one good reason, sister. ONE REASON MOTHERFUCKING SUFFICIENT AS FOR HIM NOT TO CAST YOU ALL ASIDE." His face is twisted. "I could work for them. THEY'RE A MOTHERFUCKING STEP DOWN FROM ALTERNIA IT WOULDN'T MEAN A THING. I could cull for them. IT'D BE EASY. I could let you all go and when you died it would mean nothing. IT WOULDN'T HURT IF I COULD. You could do all as the fuck you want if I did. TELL ME WHY I SHOULDNT!" The last words are a roar. He was told not to yell at her, but that didn't help for much. But he stares, silent after. He waits.

And he hopes she has an answer that'll work.

[pythianjudgment]

"Because you're letting them win." Her answer is like a whisper to his roar. She flinches again, but she doesn't cower. She's not afraid of him, only of what he might do to himself.

"I never thought I would have to say this, but... You're letting them win, and you're letting fear win. You're letting it eat you alive, while you stand there and help it along, chewing away at your own insides until you don't have any feeling left. Are you so afraid of losing us, that you would rather shove us away yourself? What is that supposed to accomplish, if you're just doing their work for them?" She doesn't understand how he can't see that both paths lead to the same place. The only difference is that one is paved for him already.

"I know it's a risk, but you don't have to be afraid. You don't have to empty all the good parts out of you, just to keep from being hurt. No one wants to see you like that. Not Mituna. Not Sigma. Not me." She pauses on that, logic telling her to stop there, but she just needs to say one more thing... "You're one of the best things to happen to me here, and I'm not going to let you go without a fight. You deserve better than to be someone's culling machine."

[carnagecarnival]

He doesn't breathe. He doesn't move.

And for a long time, he says nothing. His mind is wiped blank, all gone to naught but her words. He sees it, the other ends, the way it all comes undone in his trying to keep it from coming undone. He hears the ring in his bones and the back of skull.

She's put a name to the fear and now, and motherfucking now, it ain't to stand down. It thrashes and screams for acknowledgement. It tears at his throat and lungs, it burns in his veins.

He's never, never let her see this, him in this way. Mituna, yes. Sigma, once. But not her.

And it ain't less shameful. It ain't less wrong.

"I can't lose you all," He breathes. "I CAN'T. I ain't strong enough for that no more. MY OTHER COULD DO IT, HE COULD MOTHERFUCKING CONQUER CARELESS, HE WOULDN'T BE STOPPED, HE COULD DO IT, BUT I-" tried not to be that. Tried to be something different. Better? That he's not sure of. But he tried. And he tried for them because they mean something, his family.

And she says it like being someone's culling machine ain't the honor he was told countless. What he got at to believe. She says it like it's less of himself. He doesn't know what good she's thinking of but it can't be all what he knows. It can't be none of what kept him strong for so long until now. Its the things that make him weak, the things that don't let him turn from this, that she means. He's fostered them too long here, let them be fostered.

But to think of otherwise... to think of Mituna and Sigma and her and... everyone seeing his other, standing before him, and the Initiate knows they'd be dead. And he doesn't want it.

"Sister," he says, quiet as he can get, "I am made of fear... I ain't never been nothing but."

He stares at her. He thinks, What if I can't? What if I can't stop?