i've seen trials

[dividedgirlofmine]

Who| Susannah and OPEN
What| Susannah wakes up after having spent most of the mini-arena as Detta Walker, only to find out that everyone knows about her multiple personalities.
Where| Her room on District Ten's floor
When| Right after the mini-arena, but before the Thicker than Blood event.
Warnings/Notes| Reference to the awful things Detta did, possibly other things.

Her forspecial legs aren't there when she wakes up on the metal bed. They haven't been retrieved yet, they tell her. They'll let her know when--if? perhaps it is if--she can have them back and until then there's a wheelchair for her. Not her wheelchair, of course. Harley stole that one and crashed it.

Harley...

Susannah isn't paying as close attention as she should to what's being told to her, even though she knows she ought to be. She's too busy feeling shame for everything Detta did--everything that Eddie, Roland, her district mates, the other tributes, everyone in Panem saw her do.

What must they all think of her?

She find out as she wheels herself past one of the ubiquitous televisions airing footage of the game. They're talking about her onscreen, about Detta and Odetta, speculating on if she's ever manifested Detta before in the arenas, they know, they know, and the memory of her telling Harley about her divided self all those months ago resurfaces, they'd been in an arena then, the Capitol had the footage, they must have been waiting for the right time to air it, oh lord of course they had, it was absolutely scandalous, everyone would be talking about her for weeks, poor mad SusannaOdettaDetta--

"No," she whispers, half to herself, and she starts wheeling herself, as fast as she can, to the elevator, the blessedly empty elevator, and if the D10 common room isn't completely empty she can still wheel herself back into her bedroom, pull herself out of the chair and flop down on top of the bed and never move again ever.

She'll just hide out until the next arena starts.

Comments

[dividedgirlofmine]

She nods. "Yes! That's exactly what happened. The brick hurt my brain, fairly badly, because it had been dropped from so high up. There were a lot of ways it could have hurt me, I could have become much stupider or I could have lost my words or any number of things, but the way it hurt my brain made the good ideas and the evil ideas into two people. So after that I was two women, but they didn't know we were two women because of the hurt brain--except they did sort of know, they just fooled themselves into thinking they didn't."

She sighs. "Anyhow, a lot of things happened and a friend of mine--a very good friend named Roland--he showed the two of me that we were two women and we tried to make ourself one woman again and we were mostly able to. And that one woman is me, the me you're talking to. But... because I used to be two people, sometimes, when things are difficult or scary enough, it can be very tempting to just let myself be the evil me. And Harley, because she's smart and sneaky and knows how the brain works and is not a very good person, found a way to encourage the evil me to come out and stay out. But-- but she shouldn't be able to again. Because I don't trust her anymore and I'm keeping guard on myself."

[acroodawakening]

"So it broke but then you, the you I'm talking to now, you came to be as a way to fix it."

He nodded, trying to pull it all together.

"You couldn't go back because when things break sometimes they can't go back to the way they were. Like I lost my family and I was sad and I found a new family and it made me happy and made my life better but it doesn't undo losing my first family. It doesn't replace them. It fixes it without changing it back to the way it was. That's what you are, aren't you? The part that brings back balance, even if it can't undo the past."

He understood now. In way, his not knowing much about mental illness probably helped him understand more easily than some might. No preconceptions, no stereotypes.

"It must be hard," he said. "This place makes it hard for everybody to not let that part of themselves out too much, but it must be hard when it's not all mixed in and she has a mind of her own. You must have to fight against yourself more."

[dividedgirlofmine]

She nods. "Exactly. I was a plate, but the plate broke, and now I'm glued back together. Or maybe I'm the glue. That's why I call myself Susannah now, instead of Odetta, which is the name I was born with. Because you can glue the plate back together but there'll always be that crack, it'll never be what it was." She breathes out slowly. "It is hard," she admits. "In the arenas most of all. But I've got something to fight for. Keeping my friends safe from her, that's something to fight for."

[acroodawakening]

"I wasn't sure what to think but I understand now. I want you to know that if - if that happens again, if she comes out, I'll do what I can to help you come back but if I can't and I have to defend myself..."

He just let that line of thought drop.

"But otherwise, I don't see you any different than I did."

[dividedgirlofmine]

"Thank you," she says softly. "And-- if she does come back-- and you'll know if she does, believe me, that convenient thing about her is how obvious she is. Anyhow. If she does come back, feel free to do whatever you need to. The best thing you can do for me in that situation is incapacitate her."

[acroodawakening]

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked. "I know they're going crazy about it on the TV. If you ever need to go anywhere and want to be left alone by people, let me know and I can keep them away."

Like Hawkeye had helped chased the crowds off the first time he'd woken up and run out into the city and gotten crowded.

"I can give them some caveman face." He briefly made a snarly face as an example. "That usually scares them off."

[dividedgirlofmine]

She can't help it. She chuckles at the caveman face. "That would scare anyone off," she teases. "I'm surprised it didn't scare Eep off."

Thank the Lord for Guy and his gift for making her laugh.

"I think-- I think I'll be okay," she says. "I've had other people come in to see me. You aren't the only one that still wants to be my friend, knowing about all this. And--- I'll just not watch television. There's never anything good on, anyway."

[acroodawakening]

"Eep's the one who taught me how to do it."

Since he wasn't really a caveman, after all. He'd taught them plenty of things, but they'd taught him things too, like how to growl.

"But okay. If you need anything, though, let me know."

[dividedgirlofmine]

Eep sounds like a lovely woman, for a cave woman. For anybody, really. Part of Susannah really wants to meet her someday. Not here, though. "I promise," she says.