i've seen trials

[dividedgirlofmine]

Who| Susannah and OPEN
What| Susannah wakes up after having spent most of the mini-arena as Detta Walker, only to find out that everyone knows about her multiple personalities.
Where| Her room on District Ten's floor
When| Right after the mini-arena, but before the Thicker than Blood event.
Warnings/Notes| Reference to the awful things Detta did, possibly other things.

Her forspecial legs aren't there when she wakes up on the metal bed. They haven't been retrieved yet, they tell her. They'll let her know when--if? perhaps it is if--she can have them back and until then there's a wheelchair for her. Not her wheelchair, of course. Harley stole that one and crashed it.

Harley...

Susannah isn't paying as close attention as she should to what's being told to her, even though she knows she ought to be. She's too busy feeling shame for everything Detta did--everything that Eddie, Roland, her district mates, the other tributes, everyone in Panem saw her do.

What must they all think of her?

She find out as she wheels herself past one of the ubiquitous televisions airing footage of the game. They're talking about her onscreen, about Detta and Odetta, speculating on if she's ever manifested Detta before in the arenas, they know, they know, and the memory of her telling Harley about her divided self all those months ago resurfaces, they'd been in an arena then, the Capitol had the footage, they must have been waiting for the right time to air it, oh lord of course they had, it was absolutely scandalous, everyone would be talking about her for weeks, poor mad SusannaOdettaDetta--

"No," she whispers, half to herself, and she starts wheeling herself, as fast as she can, to the elevator, the blessedly empty elevator, and if the D10 common room isn't completely empty she can still wheel herself back into her bedroom, pull herself out of the chair and flop down on top of the bed and never move again ever.

She'll just hide out until the next arena starts.

Comments

[the_marshal]

She sounded like she regretted it - that she felt the weight of the wrong she'd done - and that went a long way in Wyatt's book. ...Though it was hard to tell if she actually meant it.

Maybe she was just a fine actress? Had been stringing him along like some fat trout from the start.

"Knowin' that wrong was done, an' regrettin' that it happened - wishin' that ya could change it, means a lot," he told the door, shifting back slightly, studying the grain. Trying to envision the person on the other side. "...Means even more if folks can look ya in the eye when ya say it."

[dividedgirlofmine]

"I-- didn't lock the door," Susannah says. "If Harley had tried it, instead of knockin' first, she have found that out. An' I'd have probably tried to hurt her, so it's just as well. You-- you can come in."

When Wyatt opens the door, he'll see that Susannah's been crying.

[the_marshal]

He paused a moment in the open doorway, looking over her face, then he took the last step inside and closed the door behind him. It seemed politer than letting any stranger passing to look in and get a peek at her pain.

"How's it work?" he asked quietly, after giving her a moment to compose herself. "Why this time, if ya don't mind me askin', an' not the others?"

sorry i wrote you a novel

[dividedgirlofmine]

"She's been there a bit in the others," Susannah says quietly. "For the cornucopia, mostly, and a bit more in my first one on Dino Island. That little French girl, her mother, that turtle man, they'd seen her. And... it's not really that my head is full of three women arguing." Except for when she'd been possessed by Mia. "Sometimes Detta speaks up with a dissenting opinion--it's always her for some reason, never Odetta, maybe Odetta and I agree too much--but these days, I'm usually able to just hear myself. Unless... unless things get stressful, painful. Those times, she's very close, very clear, an' I can hear her."

She rubs her forehead. "Sometimes-- sometimes when it hurts too much to be me, I've let her come out for a little while, because those painful things barely affect her. There are advantages to Detta. When I can't have regrets or second thoughts or mercy... but if the reason to be me is stronger, I've been able claw my way back. For my friends. To be with them, to be close to them. That's how I did it in the Museum, on Dino Island, I let my regard for my friends pull me back to being Susannah as soon as I saw someone I knew. That's why-- that's why I've been tryin' so very hard to make friends and allies. To give me a reason to be me."

She sighs and shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I'm probably explaining this very poorly. It's different, now, that in was when there were only two of me. This me, Susannah, I'm supposed to be the unity of the two. Stronger than both. But even when it was just the others, it was always stress and pain that brought her out." She makes a rueful sound. "And difficult math problems in life or death situations, since Detta's better at numbers than me and certainly Odetta. I'm not sure what that says about my psyche that math's her department. That's-- that's part of why then. I'd had to use some math to get us over the ice and afterwards--"

She rubs her forehead. "After, there was a bit more math, but more than that there was the fact that Harley wanted her there, more than she wanted me, and-- well, I guess even Detta wants people to want her. So there was a good reason to be her and my reason to be me had dried up and blown away. So. That's why this time. But this time will be the last," she finishes, fervently. "I have every reason to never let it happen again."

[the_marshal]

Wyatt listened, silent, but attentive as she went on. Watching her as she spoke, her eyes, with his steady gaze.

"I don't know much 'bout this sorta thing," he said after she fell silent, gesturing toward his forehead with one hand. "But I've been here long enough to see all kinds'a things. Things I never would'a imagined, never would'a believed if I hadn't seen 'em for myself."

His hand returned to it's relaxed position on his belt, thumb hooking neatly behind the buckle.

"I believe ya."

He couldn't say he'd trust her as easily, wondering if something he said or did would suddenly set her off, but he could say that much.

[dividedgirlofmine]

Susannah breathes out slowly. "Thank you, Wyatt. I... I appreciate that a lot. I'm sorry that I ruined our friendship--or, at least, I thought we were almost friends. I don't know." She shakes her head, rubs her eyes. "I'll... I'll make up for this somehow. I don't know how yet. But I will."

[the_marshal]

"Who said ya ruined it?" Wyatt asked, head tipping slightly, a small vee appearing between his eyebrows. "If what ya say is true, ya didn't mean it, an' I wouldn't be much of a friend if I didn't give ya a chance to prove it."

He paused a beat, then nodded his head back toward the door.

"Might not care much that other friend'a yers though," he added, meaning the blonde the peacekeepers had carried off.

[dividedgirlofmine]

Susannah winces. "I... don't think I care for her either, not anymore. She's not the woman I thought she was. I don't think-- I don't think she ever was, I just wanted her to be. Or-- oh, I don't know! Looking back on everything we'd talked about before that, I don't know why I didn't see it. I was so damn blind--and worst of all, I'd blinded myself."

[the_marshal]

Wyatt exhaled, a long breath through his nose, shifting his weight slowly on his heels.

"We all fall to it, from time-to-time," he murmured, an honest confession. "Seein' things we want to, ignorin' ones we don't. Don't make us bad, jus' makes us human. An' gives us somethin' to learn from."

[dividedgirlofmine]

"She was kind to me," Susannah says. "And she made me laugh. She was always tryin' to draw me out of my shell at a time when I wasn't really ready to be around too many people. And it had been a long time since I'd had a ladyfriend."

[the_marshal]

He was quiet for a moment. Understanding the loneliness she'd felt. Remembering too well what it felt like, after his arrival here.

(At least she'd had Cuthbert, such as he was. Wyatt had come alone.)

Then he spoke again.

"It's hard," he said slowly. "An' I expect it'll sting for a while yet, but... there's lots a ladies here. An' lots'a good ones at that. Got a few I'm proud to call friends."

[dividedgirlofmine]

Susannah nods. "Good. I didn't think there wouldn't be, just..." She shrugs. "Maybe I'll feel more up to seeing people in a day or two." She hesitates for a moment, then asks, "Who won, anyway? I'm guessin' at least someone made it to the end of the maze on time."

[the_marshal]

He'd started to turn, to leave her to privacy, but paused, hand on the doorknob and looked back.

"I did," he said softly. "...Me, an' one of the new one's, Eliot - from three, an' her."

He tipped his head toward the door again.

[dividedgirlofmine]

Well. At least Harley won't be in the arena with her.

"Congratulations," she tells him, quietly. "You'll be a good mentor, Wyatt. I'll see you around?" Eventually. She still didn't want to leave her room.

[the_marshal]

Wyatt figured that remained to be seen, but he didn't argue.

"Ya know where to find me," he offered instead, nodding before he opened the door and slipped out into the hall.

[dividedgirlofmine]

If he had, Susannah would have asked him what he thought being a good mentor was if not how he was trying to help her now?

But he didn't. So she just whispers, "Bye, Wy," and lets him go.