thecapitol | Living inside the shell

Entry tags:

Living inside the shell

Who| Mindy, open
What| The victor returns to the Capitol.
Where| Various Places
When| After being patched up
Warnings/Notes| Mindy, so foul language and descriptions of violence.

After the last few weeks, it was a breath of fresh air to be back in the Capitol. It was not something she would have easily admitted to herself, but at least here there was a sense of ease, knowing that she didn't have to be watching her back for death.

Mostly.

It was strange too. She almost felt alien, coming back here with the win. Death had at least made her an equal: now she was an object, to be striven for or hated or stared at or asked questions to. The crowing would come soon enough, she knew that, and what a pain that would be. Words to say,things to plan, and really, all she wanted was to make sure all her friends were all right. certain ones would hare her now, of course, but that was expected. She had, after all, let the games' nature affect her.

She was more than happy to be restored though: all the bleeding and the aching had taken a toll on her, and she was ready for aching she at least only inflicted on herself. There were several ways of going through with this.

1. The Training room. It was always Mindy's "go to" place, and even now there was no reason not to go. She was aware of the stares and the whispers, but she ignored these: after all, she'd come here last time after her defeat, why should her victory be any different? Mindy is hard at work on the treadmill, looking to see if she can increase her speed. There was a lot to think about, and this was the perfect way to NOT have to do that right now. Cut everyone out, hear some mindless music, run like the wind. Easy.

2. Eventually though, there's a place she needed to go: over to District 12, at the top tower to see Sandy. She hated, more than anything, to apologize or even explain herself unnecessarily but in this case it was needed. Sandy wasn't just some girl to her: she was one of the first friends she made, and after what she'd done, she needed to at least talk to her about it. The girl might not listen or care, but Mindy still needed to explain herself. She might run into anyone in District 12 though.

3. In her own tower, she made the unwise choice of attempting to sleep. After that, she thought a mushroom trip might have been more peaceful. Now she just had visions of the worse things in the Arena: beheading, throat slitting, bombs going off, and all of the dead looking at her as if she were the cause. It was pretty gory, and Mindy had awoken wide eyed and breathing hard. So anyone in the Tribute tower, especially in her District, can see the girl sitting in the room now, oversized shirt on, watching a replay of the games, almost glassy eyed.

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She just scoffed at the idea she was well adjusted. Could any of them make that claim without hating themselves anymore?

After a long pause she grunted and gave a nod, still not trusting herself to say any actual words. Because what would have come our would have been very rude and angry, or pathetic and miserable. either way she didn't want the constant cameras to spot it.

So she resumed painting and waited for Mindy to speak her piece. The dragon mask she was currently painting was red and white and cold while it loomed over a skyline of New York looking fierce and angry.

It seemed stupid to say it out loud, and thinking about it, she didn't give sandy nearly enough credit. Sandy was here longer than she had been, and had far more horrific things happen to her.

"I hadn't planned it," she said, both know what she meant. "I mean, I didn't think on the car ride 'when is the best time to fuck my friends over' or anything like that. When I saw you guys, I was still fucked up from Ellie dying. Then I saw you, bloodied up, missing an arm. I started thinking of all the reality shows I saw in my world, how people who were boring tended to get eliminated. But in your case, it was worse. I saw you all injured, not having won a tribute, and I thought of the history you already had. So I started to think, 'what if this is the last time they let Sandy run? What if they don't want her in the next one?' So...I took the initiative. I decided to make a twist. It sounds shitty, phrasing it that way, but I've been hearing how some people are gotten rid of permanently in the games. I didn't want them to have a reason. I wanted people cheering for you."

And hating her, which was bound to have happened too.

The paintbrush stopped.

Her body stood so still she might as well have been stone again. Her lips felt dry but she couldn't be bothered to wet them as the pieces finally fell into place. Questions that she had been agonizing over for weeks were finally getting answers.

So why didn't it make her feel any better?

It was insane. Just like everything else in her life. So she tried to process it piece by piece. Mindy had gone into the arena determined to win. She was not squeamish about killing people and seemed determined to do what she felt was right. Ok...that all fit.

She had seen Sandy's sorry ass state as weakness and a liability. She was afraid the Capitol was going to get rid of her.

A mistake. She'd been afraid and made a mistake.

But was she wrong? Was Sandy boring? In a strange way Sandy took offense to that. So far she's proven surprisingly hard to kill. Stupid yes, unlucky? Especially so. But boring?

It was here she felt disgusted by herself that she was actually thinking of her pain in terms of entertainment value. What was the Capitol doing to her?

All this time as she tried to wade through complex emotions and thoughts no girl her age should have to consider, she remained silent, almost distracted from the presence of the girl who had started all this.

She felt like a shit, saying it and getting no reply. Sure, she got why the girl hated her, hated the whole way it had happened. But she hadn't done it to be cruel, to laugh about it. It had been hard, and she couldn't let off when the consequences came to bear.

"It was always a risk. Have you watched the games by now? Shion, my first kill, you saw hoe I did him in. Slit his throat, neat and clean. Needed to show the Capitol I was worth supporting if I got killed again. But you guys, I faced head on. I didn't know if I would win. You know Pruna better than me, and she fought vicious. Might have thought I fought her for the gun, right? No. She injured me good, and I took the gun because I thought I would need it. I fought you because...well, if you killed me, how the fuck would anyone doubt you or your dedication? Revenge? It's the best kind of TV. Another risk. And you got me well too, almost killed me. You showed those fuckers exactly how far you would go to punish me. It was amazing. But I lived, so...I had to keep fucking going. I had to win, like anyone else. But I didn't do it for spite, or because I wanted to lure you into any of that. It was my decision, and I made it. If you hate me, I get it. I wanted you to know that it was never something light for me. Just something that I had to do."

More words. More reasons to forgive, or at least to understand. None of her other deaths had been so understanding. Neither of her other murderers had been apologetic.

"So you were scared, and to protect me you threatened me to piss off my best friend, so that she would fight you. And then she died and I was alone. Again."

When she said it like it made her wonder why she wasn't more upset.

"She had a gun. I'm not a fucking idiot. It was like I said to you before: that fight WAS going to happen, whether then or later on when the line narrowed. She wouldn't hold back, and she didn't even when I fought her. Like I said: it could go either way. Yeah, you were alone. You were also pissed the fuck off, so much that you forgot how much I knew and fought me head on."

She shook her head. "And I got to see you at your 'worst.' So did everyone. Now they know, at least, what happens when they fuck with you."

"No, stop."

Finally Sandy turned to face Mindy, irritation in her voice barely masking the pain in her eyes. It still hurt just to look at Mindy and remember the sounds Pruna had made as the wounds overcame her.

"You started that fight. Either you started it because you wanted her gun, or you wanted to protect me from the Capitol. But you started a fight that didn't need to happen. There was no reason for you to fight her till there was no one left. She wasn't coming after you. She wasn't stealing from you."

It all sounded stronger in her head. Now it just sounded upset. Why couldn't she sound as confident in her voice as it was in her mind?

"Oh FUCK YOU I started it for the gun!" Mindy was actually pissed off at the suggestion. "If I wanted the fucking gun I would have stayed by you and palled around and then took it when I had the chance! Do you think I just play my hand easy because I'm a fucking idiot?! I've fooled doormen and shot them DEAD because I knew how to play them! And don't bullshit me and tell me she wouldn't have done it before it was the finale! I've been watching the damn games too, and I saw how she took out Danny! You think what she did was any less worse than me?"

Hell, at least she KILLED Shion, Pruna had played up the defenseless girl and then killed Danny when his back was turned. It was cold and efficient and she was both bothered and admiring of it.

"I told you why I did it, and now you ought to know its truthful. I know you feel betrayed, and you should. But don't fucking acting like we're all honor bound and all that shit, because the games makes that close to impossible. A lesson from someone who lived it through. Just keep in mind something, Sandy: Pruna could have WON. It was a forced fight, but the only handicap I gave was making it a fair one. That might sound like shit to you, but I wanted to take her on on the level. And YOU, you took me on with the mask and tried to blow me up. I didn't pull any tricks on you either: I fought you like I would any other person."
Goddamn, she was getting bothered, and it bugged her, so much, that she might not have a friend after this.

"We were all surviving. That's what happens. You don't win by alliances, because they can be broken. Did you just hope I'd get killed, so you and Pruna wouldn't have to deal with that fight?"

"OF COURSE I DID!"

She startled herself by how loud that came out.

"I've been in five arenas now. And you know how many times I've had to fight a friend? None! Yeah I know that's what they want but fuck what they want! Are you really telling me that you started a fight with my best friend that got her killed to teach me a fucking lesson? Because that's even worse then trying to protect me by killing her!"

By the time she finished that little tirade she could feel the heat in her eyes. Damnit! Why did she have to cry now? She'd done so well not crying since she'd woken up! Why did it have to start up now in front of her.

"Fuck what they want? Are you even listening to yourself?! Anyone can say that! FUCK, I said it to my mentor, and she snubbed the fuck out of me! What do you gain after five arenas of getting killed, Sandy? Over and over, scrambling, finding a desperate situation worse? You think you win because you say fuck them? That's what they want! You can't make a good series if everyone is compliant to their whims! They need rebels, kids, and that's what they have! But goddamn, I want you to win by being SMART, not being pigheaded! How the fuck do you think a normal person, who likes you, reacts when they see your arm is gone and you're fucked up? They cry and despair, wondering how they could do that to a kid. Well, I know what happens to kids who want to defy things, keep things on their terms. They play them. They do it over and over and when you're used? They take you out. Just like they did to Snow White."

Her words chilled her, thinking of that. Worse, she saw what she was doing: she was trying to make Sandy less naive, less innocent. And every moment was EXACTLY like being in the Arena, because she just felt like she was corrupting anyway, and it just made her feel sick.

"We fought because we were going to fight. That was something we both knew. You fought because you were passionate. You should use that. It made you strong. It made fucking people remember kids can win this. But it was never, I can say that, about playing my position. I made do with what I had. That's the only real truth about the games, beyond alliances and back stabbing and traps and all that fucking garbage. Surviving."

She was quiet now, because she needed to ask the girl something, a crazy something. "The crowning will happen, in a few days. If you want to come, come. I guess I get to have an entourage or whatever."

She was shaking now and could feel the tears running down her cheeks as each harsh truth was thrown at her. When they met Mindy had seemed so much stronger then her. Like everyone else Sandy attached herself to. But all it took was one death and she'd thrown herself into the games head first. She played by their rules and was rewarded for it.

And then she invited her to come sit at the winners table?! What the fuck was that about?

"You manipulated us." admittingly not hard to do given her and Pruna's collective intelligence and passion.

"You did it because of a bunch of fucked up reasons that you keep telling yourself were the right reasons. But you still feel like shit."

So did that mean it was still the right thing to do? Was Sandy still to idealistic after dying so many times?

"I feel like shit that I betrayed you. But I still think my reasons were right. I'd rather have you pissed and hating me if it means you'll be one step ahead the next time you get into an arena. And yeah I want you there."

Why was the unspoken. She was her friend. She was Sandy. She reminded her of herself if she hadn't been an anti-hero.

She looked at the painting a moment, squiniting.

"Is that New York?"

The question was enough to bring Sandy's attention to a pain in her palm. She slowly uncurled her fist and two halves of a broken paintbrush fell away.

"Yeah. It is."

She hadn't drawn in the rain or the web yet, and she had been considering leaving it out.

Mindy's hand went to the girl's hand, brushing against it. It was soft, because here, strangely enough, Mindy felt a tenderness toward something not super important.

"It's nice. I can almost remember it again. Skyscrapers, people in the street, Time Square...small things."

She sat quietly, almost disinterested in the fight right now.

"What made you draw it?"

Why had she drawn it? It had just come naturally she supposed. Feeling Mindy's hand on hers made her stiffen and she felt the lump in her stomach clenched by muscles.

"Not because I'm homesick." She shrugged "The Capitol is better then how things were back home. At least here I feel like it matters if I fight back."

All the more reason not to accept Mindy's cynical and logical lesson in trust.

Mindy raised a hand to touch it, then drew back. Not because of homesickness. No. Definitely not.

"You think so." She said that quietly. "Then I'm curious. Just for shits. What goes through your mind, when Pruna kills and its not some asshole? In the arena, I mean?"

Of course, she would have to ask that.

"That I hope they wake up in the Capitol. That I hope she'll make it fast." Which was more or less the truth. She tried not to think much when such things were happening in the first place.

"But at least she doesn't go after allies. At least not until they've betrayed us first."

"No, she just kills someone who was trying to help you both. That's totally ok."

Now Sandy was just plucking straws.

"We're just going to go over this over and over again. The moral of the story is that when the Arena happens, our way of coping with it get skewed. We become ugly people, and you can try to cling to nice person you are, but in the end? We're creatures of passion. Just be grateful you have something to be passionate about."

Sandy was surprised it made her so angry to know that Mindy technically had a point. Even if she believed that what Mindy had done was still wrong.

"So what are you passionate about?" She wondered out loud her voice low and pouting as she tried to muddle through her thoughts.

Mindy didn't answer she just gave Sandy a look. It was hard to communicate, but it was clear Mindy was trying to say a lot without saying much.

"Winning," she said, "the real way. The complete way. The way where I hope you know by now I can't say."

In other words? Where everyone wins: when the games finally ended.

Something she knew she couldn't talk about freely anymore. The thing she gave up when she own the Arena.

Sandy didn't look at all impressed by her answer.

"At any cost huh?"

Winning changed you. Every winner so far had been changed by the arena for better or worse. It might still be too early to tell with Mindy given how she had won in the first place.

"No," she said. "Otherwise, I'd be Eva."

She wouldn't go that far. She was too young to be that fucking jaded, honestly.

"And its not like she wanted me to win anyway. She was cheering for Pruna. She is gonna be pissed."

Sandy's frown just drew deeper. When she frowned it broadcast all the pain she'd endured to this point.

"Is this it? Are you just gonna act like we're still friends? I'm still mad at you! You fucked up and you won't even admit it. You manipulated me and killed my friend to make a point! A stupid point! We can't just brush past that!" She knelt down to gather up the broken pieces of brush.

"You played the game. You got what you wanted by doing what they wanted."

"I didn't say we were still friends."

Mindy was quiet. "Look, I'm...I'm just used to doing things on my own, or with my d-well, my mentor. People aren't involved, they don't get hurt. But I didn't have the option of escaping what happened. It's why I'm here. I told you why I did what I did, and I stand by it. It doesn't mean I don't feel like shit about it. You don't have to remind me how I played the game, all right?"

Because SHE would remember, even if she didn't tell anyone, every single person she killed. She would dream about it, she would dwell on it and even though people would come back to life, it changed nothing.

"Well no wonder you don't understand how alliances work then." Sandy muttered bitterly.

"What do you expect me to do then? Come sit at your victor table? Go back to whatever my life is now and pretend that I'm fine? Because I'm not. I wanted to make you suffer and I've never wanted that before. Even with everything that's happened to me in the games. I can't come back from that."

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