Living inside the shell

[hit_girl_mindy]

Who| Mindy, open
What| The victor returns to the Capitol.
Where| Various Places
When| After being patched up
Warnings/Notes| Mindy, so foul language and descriptions of violence.


After the last few weeks, it was a breath of fresh air to be back in the Capitol. It was not something she would have easily admitted to herself, but at least here there was a sense of ease, knowing that she didn't have to be watching her back for death.

Mostly.

It was strange too. She almost felt alien, coming back here with the win. Death had at least made her an equal: now she was an object, to be striven for or hated or stared at or asked questions to. The crowing would come soon enough, she knew that, and what a pain that would be. Words to say,things to plan, and really, all she wanted was to make sure all her friends were all right. certain ones would hare her now, of course, but that was expected. She had, after all, let the games' nature affect her.

She was more than happy to be restored though: all the bleeding and the aching had taken a toll on her, and she was ready for aching she at least only inflicted on herself. There were several ways of going through with this.

1. The Training room. It was always Mindy's "go to" place, and even now there was no reason not to go. She was aware of the stares and the whispers, but she ignored these: after all, she'd come here last time after her defeat, why should her victory be any different? Mindy is hard at work on the treadmill, looking to see if she can increase her speed. There was a lot to think about, and this was the perfect way to NOT have to do that right now. Cut everyone out, hear some mindless music, run like the wind. Easy.

2. Eventually though, there's a place she needed to go: over to District 12, at the top tower to see Sandy. She hated, more than anything, to apologize or even explain herself unnecessarily but in this case it was needed. Sandy wasn't just some girl to her: she was one of the first friends she made, and after what she'd done, she needed to at least talk to her about it. The girl might not listen or care, but Mindy still needed to explain herself. She might run into anyone in District 12 though.

3. In her own tower, she made the unwise choice of attempting to sleep. After that, she thought a mushroom trip might have been more peaceful. Now she just had visions of the worse things in the Arena: beheading, throat slitting, bombs going off, and all of the dead looking at her as if she were the cause. It was pretty gory, and Mindy had awoken wide eyed and breathing hard. So anyone in the Tribute tower, especially in her District, can see the girl sitting in the room now, oversized shirt on, watching a replay of the games, almost glassy eyed.

Comments

[justoutrunyou]

Sandy's frown just drew deeper. When she frowned it broadcast all the pain she'd endured to this point.

"Is this it? Are you just gonna act like we're still friends? I'm still mad at you! You fucked up and you won't even admit it. You manipulated me and killed my friend to make a point! A stupid point! We can't just brush past that!" She knelt down to gather up the broken pieces of brush.

"You played the game. You got what you wanted by doing what they wanted."

[hit_girl_mindy]

"I didn't say we were still friends."

Mindy was quiet. "Look, I'm...I'm just used to doing things on my own, or with my d-well, my mentor. People aren't involved, they don't get hurt. But I didn't have the option of escaping what happened. It's why I'm here. I told you why I did what I did, and I stand by it. It doesn't mean I don't feel like shit about it. You don't have to remind me how I played the game, all right?"

Because SHE would remember, even if she didn't tell anyone, every single person she killed. She would dream about it, she would dwell on it and even though people would come back to life, it changed nothing.

[justoutrunyou]

"Well no wonder you don't understand how alliances work then." Sandy muttered bitterly.

"What do you expect me to do then? Come sit at your victor table? Go back to whatever my life is now and pretend that I'm fine? Because I'm not. I wanted to make you suffer and I've never wanted that before. Even with everything that's happened to me in the games. I can't come back from that."

[hit_girl_mindy]

"I know how alliances work. I also know in the Games that they don't last. Would you preferred me going against you once your eyes were shit, or were you hoping you'd die before that happened?"

She glared. "Look. I told you I was sorry that you feel bad, and I'm even sorry I killed you. It sucks. But if you're telling me what you felt, the PASSION, is a bad thing, that answer me this: what the fuck exactly ARE you doing in these games? You might not want to reign over your enemies blood, whatever, but one day, don't you want to not be in them anymore?"

[justoutrunyou]

"Yes! Duh! I would have preferred you waiting until you absolutely had to instead of using me and then betraying me."

It was a fair question though, she was playing to win wasn't she?

"When I win it's going to be on my terms. Not because someone tricked me into doing something I didn't wanna do. I'd rather die a thousand times more then have to give the Capitol what they want."

[hit_girl_mindy]

"In other words, waiting until the last minute. If I waited and then killed you, are you telling me you would feel less betrayed?"

Because killing someone was killing someone, whether it was last minute or not.

"It ever occurred to you that constantly dying because you stick to your beliefs is totally fine with the Capitol anyway? That maybe, continuing to do that is going to make you predictable, and that might be a bad thing?"

[justoutrunyou]

"Yes! How is that not a better situation?" She begged in frustration "At least then we could talk about it first instead of you having to force me to fight you. And even if we didn't fight you know the arena would have just tried to kill us and then it would be whichever one of us survived that. You didn't have to do what you did. It was wrong."

"So my choices are die over and over again or become like you?" She shot back feeling backed into a corner. "Maybe next round I should just jam a knife into Pruna when she's least expecting it. Then I'd be REALLY popular and more likely to win huh?"

[hit_girl_mindy]

"In the last part with all the Tributes, it was the tributes themselves who were trying to kill each other. The Arena only goes so far, and then you see what the others can do."

Mindy's mouth closed in a line. "So that's how you look at what I did? You're just going to pretend I never gave either of you a fair fight, that I just swooped down and killed you and laughed cackling in the night.Did it ever occur to you that I want more than just running around and dying over and over, so I could be brought back here again? Or did you forget: you're the one that actually has someone worth coming back to?"

This was a smokescreen, of course. Mindy's true reason for winning, what drove here, was still something she couldn't say.

[justoutrunyou]

"It doesn't matter if it was a fair fight!" Sandy shouted back "It was a fight that never should have happened and you made it happen! You started the fight! You killed Pruna! It doesn't matter if it was a fair fight, or if it was to teach me a lesson or whatever! You shouldn't have done it! Why won't you just accept that!?"

She was practically begging now and the tears started up again.

"I thought I could count on you. Now I'm just afraid of you."

[hit_girl_mindy]

"Don't cry," Mindy said, and her voice was low, because, goddamn it, the last thing she needed was to doubt something she'd done and, worse, make someone suffer because of it. She liked Sandy, she cared a lot about her, and truthfully, she never wanted to this again.

"I want you there," she said quietly. "Not to bask in my glory, or admit I was right. You can think I'm a shit, at least half the people watching do. You can even be afraid of me: I'm fucking crazy, when it gets down to it, enough people think that. But if I have a say, and I can avoid it, believe me: I'm not going to betray you again."

Because she needed people she trusted there, people she cared about. The crowds of people cheering, jeering? It made her ill to think about it.

[justoutrunyou]

Not exactly the words Sandy was hoping to hear. But so many people telling her not to cry had built up alot of shame in her about it.

"Thanks for the invitation." She finished turning away so Mindy wouldn't have to see the tears rolling down her cheeks. she felt so stupid, why was she crying? Shouldn't she hate Mindy after all this?

[hit_girl_mindy]

Mindy understood on a fundamental level why Sandy was crying. But a part of her also knew that she had caused it, so who was she to judge?

"Well. You're my friend. I want you there. Not saying you need to forgive me. I just hope you can come."

[justoutrunyou]

Damnit she wasn't leaving. Now Sandy was stuck talking to the wall as she tried and failed to keep from trembling.

"Oh so now we're friends?" She shot back "A minute ago you said you weren't saying that."

[hit_girl_mindy]

"Look, make up your mind. If you want to sit and stew and hate me for all time, just say so. I want to be your friend, and even thought you're pissed I killed you I didn't do it because it was fun and shit. If you want to stay pissed, and I mean really do, fine. But I'm telling you that I want you there."

[justoutrunyou]

"It's not about you killing me." She grumbled and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. "And I know you didn't do it for fun. You're stupid not a monster."

It was all coming around in circles. But Sandy didn't want it to end because Mindy still didn't understand, and neither did she for that matter.

"You wanted to teach me a lesson. And now you want to be friends." That summed it up to the best of her ability. She still couldn't trust herself to turn around so she held tight to the broken paintbrush.

[hit_girl_mindy]

"Yeah. Because being friends sometimes mean you have to learn from them. You can learn those lessons the easy way, or the hard way. The Arena sure as shit doesn't let you learn it the easy way, and sometimes the lesson has to literally come the fuck out of nowhere. You saw me when I found you guys. Did you really think I had already planned to kill you both? hadn't crossed my mind, not until I saw you and realized that maybe, just maybe, the Capitol liked seeing you slowly broken down. That you defied them, and maybe they were waiting for you to become less important to kill you quietly. Or maybe they wanted to see what Pruna would do when you didn't come back. Either way, I'd seen that happen before, so I wanted them to see what you could do. If it managed to rope you more sponsors, all the better."

And all it would cost Mindy were injuries and a little of her self respect.

[justoutrunyou]

"Are you even listening to yourself!?"

That was too much. She turned around again, eyes red and face shiny with tears.

"You did all that because of what you thought MIGHT happen. You were guessing! You made assumptions! Just because it happened to other people didn't mean it was gonna happen to me. For all you know you doing that to me could have been the last thing I ever did! What if I never came back even after you did all that huh? Or what if Pruna didn't come back? You think you know what they're gonna do before they do it? People who have been here for every game can't even guess that!"

[hit_girl_mindy]

"So what? What ifs wasn't what I was thinking about, I was thinking about you, asshole! Do you think I as even thinking about all of that shit when I see you with your fucking arm ripped off, your face looking like fucking hamburger?! Do you think its easy to just see you fucked up and go 'oh well, the games?!' It sucked! And seeing you like that seriously made me wonder if they had it in for you! Excuse the fuck out of me for giving a shit!"

God DAMN was she getting sick of this high horse bullshit! She acted on impulse, what part of that didn't she get?

[justoutrunyou]

"Just...just get out!" She demanded exasperated. "If you're not going to admit you screwed up then there's no point in apologizing! Just go and plan your stupid party. I gotta train or something for the next time I have to go get fucked up in the arena because I'm too damn full of myself to do the smart thing and murder everyone who gets too close."

Even saying the words felt dry and sour in her mouth. She hated this, why did they have to fight?

[hit_girl_mindy]

"I already admitted I was wrong you fucking shit! Like, three fucking times! Evidently you want me to goddamn beg, at which point I'm going to tell you to go FUCK yourself, because you don't want me to apologize, you just want to tell me I'm shit! And fine, die a million more fucking times, because now I don't care anymore!"

She stormed out, punching the wall nice and hard, leaving a sizeable dent. Fucking tears.