Working for the church while your life falls apart

[69problems]

Who| Signless, Effie and Peeta
What| Murderparty Deluxe Extravaganza: the Fallout 2: Electric Boogaloo
Where| D12 Common Room
When| Not too long after Signless comes back to the Capitol; timing is a lil fuzzy for accommodation purposes
Warnings/Notes| References to death and suicide, most likely

Even with Karkat's support, the days after the Signless is revived blur together for him. The only thing that remains constant is the feeling of agitation that keeps him from sleeping but makes him feel utterly exhausted. He doesn't leave the suites, not wanting to deal with his fellow tributes, but most of his time is spent pacing around his respiteblock or the common room, flopping down occasionally onto flat surfaces, then getting back up when he can't take not moving. He hasn't been eating, either, except when Karkat makes him. Basically, he is a hot mess, and anyone who happens upon him where he's currently curled up on a common room couch can probably tell just by looking at him.

Comments

[69problems]

"I think I see what you mean." He doesn't, entirely, but he's got enough of an idea: what he is on the inside and what he presents on the outside may be different, but he needs to be comfortable with both parts of himself. He doesn't really think Peeta is getting exactly how difficult that's going to be when one is anathema to the other, but he means well, and the advice is sound even if it'll be difficult to follow.

At least Peeta knows he'll be able to see his family again, maybe, in the future. Signless is almost certain he'll never see his mother again unless she's brought here to die, and however much he misses her he doesn't want that.

"That's what's made it the most bearable, being able to form friendships here even in the face of..." He waved a hand vaguely. "Everything. I'd like to visit Twelve, sometime. See what Panem is like outside of the Capitol."

[shinyisfalse]

It's good that Signless is getting it, because even Peeta is a little confused by what he was saying. That you can be both, is what the gist of it was, and he hopes that got across. Change is the one thing you can't forget in this place. You will be changed from your experiences here. They won't be good.

He slept with a knife under his pillow now. "Yeah, I know. It's one of the things I'm glad about. I'm glad I met you all. Maybe not how, but I am glad to know you." He smiled. "I'd like that. I'd really like you to see Twelve. It's not like here, not even close. But we're surrounded by forest... you cant really get to it, but it's better then the Capitol."

He laughed softly. "It's really not much, district-wise. But it's home."

[69problems]

"Home doesn't have to be much to be home," he says, his tone a little subdued. 'Home' for him was wherever his family was, after all. Home was deserts and caves and the ship, for a while. Maybe that's why he feels so lost here sometimes, because only half of them are here and his relationship with half of that half is just a burned bridge now.

"I'm of the opinion that our homes can be as grand or as humble as we want them to be, so long as they're full of good memories."

[shinyisfalse]

Is home filled with good memories? Peeta would have to say about 80 percent of them were good. Growing up with the threat of death over every kid's head until they were safe at 18, only to then be sent to work in the mines, was a tough thing to deal with. Watching the games every year, because you were forced to? Seeing your friends die, if they were chosen?

Peeta never had a friend who went in, so he was lucky. His family life wasn't exactly the best, but it was better then a lot of others. And home was with Katniss, now, except not.

"Yeah, I agree with that. And good memories can be hard to come by, sometimes. But that's what just makes them more special, right?"

[69problems]

It was sad, that growing up with the threat of death hanging over your head was an almost universal troll experience. Just for some that threat was more salient than others. But there were always good things -- his mother trying to teach him to sew (and thus the creation of the prototype Righteous Leggings), painting on cave walls with the Disciple. The Psiioniic, but that's painful to think about now.

"I think so. When you have little, it means more to have anything at all."

And that's true here, isn't it? He's in flux and he's unsure of himself or what he wants and believes, but he has people that care about him regardless. That's worth something. The corner of his mouth twitches into a smile.

"Thank you, Peeta. This has actually made me feel a little better."

[shinyisfalse]

Giving him a smile in response, he moves as if to put a hand on his shoulder, and then stops. He's the guy who does want to give hugs, to put a hand on someone's shoulder in a reassuring manner. He wants to hold hands, and that's something not a lot of people, especially here, want to do themselves.

"So long as it's something in the right direction, good. You know you can come to me with anything. Just not in the middle of the night, please, that's... just wait till the morning, if you can." Nights are reserved for trying not to have nightmares, for both him and Katniss. And for not slashing at anyone with a knife, when you jolt awake.

OKAY I THINK IT'S OVER I THINK WE DID IT [MUFFLED WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS]

[69problems]

"Of course. With how hard you work, you deserve time set aside for yourself." The way Peeta says it sort of implies there's more to it than just that, but it isn't really the Signless's place to pry. He does reach out and take Peeta's hovering hand, though, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Of all the Twelve tributes, he's certainly one of the ones most likely to be okay with hugs.

"I'll keep that in mind."