Karkat Vantas (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sleeplessinalternia) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thecapitol2013-11-20 01:55 pm
sleeplessinalternia) wrote in thecapitol2013-11-20 01:55 pm
Entry tags:
i came home like a stone
Who| Karkat and the Signless
What| Murderparty Deluxe Extravaganza: the Fallout
Where| Signless' room, District 12 Suites
When| as soon as Karkat is revived in the Capitol after his death during Week Four
Warnings/Notes| References to pretty heavy shit, most likely
The first thing Karkat does when he wakes up in the Training Center is take the elevator up to District Twelve. He doesn't know if the Signless has been revived yet--he doesn't even known if Signless died in the arena--but he suspects he died not all that long after Karkat did. Yeah, the fucking Initiate said he wouldn't kill Signless, but Karkat doesn't trust that fuckshit further than he can throw him. And if Signless isn't back yet, well, Karkat can camp out in Signless' room and wait however long he needs to.
Because he needs to see Signless. Needs to show him that he's okay, that he came back, that he didn't blames Signless for what happened--and he doesn't. If it was anybody's fault, it was the fucking Initiate and his stupid highblood grudgekeeping.
It's probably a good thing that most of the District Twelve people are used to Karkat showing up for extended visits.
As it happens, the Signless isn't there yet when Karkat gets to the room. So he sits on the bed, turns on the tv in hopes that Caesar will show some clip that'll let him see which trolls are left in the arena, and waits. It takes a few hours--in the meantime he finds out that Terezi's still alive, thank fuck, and he makes a note to send her shit if she's still in tomorrow--but eventually the door opens and it's him. Signless. He looks like shit.
"Before you say anything," Karkat says, "it wasn't your fucking fault."
What| Murderparty Deluxe Extravaganza: the Fallout
Where| Signless' room, District 12 Suites
When| as soon as Karkat is revived in the Capitol after his death during Week Four
Warnings/Notes| References to pretty heavy shit, most likely
The first thing Karkat does when he wakes up in the Training Center is take the elevator up to District Twelve. He doesn't know if the Signless has been revived yet--he doesn't even known if Signless died in the arena--but he suspects he died not all that long after Karkat did. Yeah, the fucking Initiate said he wouldn't kill Signless, but Karkat doesn't trust that fuckshit further than he can throw him. And if Signless isn't back yet, well, Karkat can camp out in Signless' room and wait however long he needs to.
Because he needs to see Signless. Needs to show him that he's okay, that he came back, that he didn't blames Signless for what happened--and he doesn't. If it was anybody's fault, it was the fucking Initiate and his stupid highblood grudgekeeping.
It's probably a good thing that most of the District Twelve people are used to Karkat showing up for extended visits.
As it happens, the Signless isn't there yet when Karkat gets to the room. So he sits on the bed, turns on the tv in hopes that Caesar will show some clip that'll let him see which trolls are left in the arena, and waits. It takes a few hours--in the meantime he finds out that Terezi's still alive, thank fuck, and he makes a note to send her shit if she's still in tomorrow--but eventually the door opens and it's him. Signless. He looks like shit.
"Before you say anything," Karkat says, "it wasn't your fucking fault."
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"It's my fault. I started it. I should have just left well enough the fuck alone--" His voice cracks and he takes a deep, deep breath to stop himself. He'd ramble otherwise, or cry, or both, and it wouldn't help.
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It dimly occurs to him that what he's saying is fucking antithetical to everything he's known but he ignores that thought, pushes it aside to pick up later.
"He had no fucking right," he repeats.
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"I hate this," he mumbles into Karkat's shoulder. "I hate that I was stupid enough to think that culling him would fix anything, when everything I do just winds up either not mattering or hurting people anyway, and I can never defend myself because no one listens to me."
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He paps the Signless' face gently.
"There's nothing wrong with giving someone suffering a mercy cull," Karkat murmurs against Signless' temple. "Sometimes it's the only thing you can do for them. It sucks globes that your first culls were people you cared about, though. Mine were strangers. Self-defense. I think most people's are. It makes it a fuckton easier when you don't know the assholes, when if you don't cull them they'll cull you."
He lets his papping hand slide over to stroke the Signless' hair, to scratch his scalp lightly between his horns.
"I hate that they don't listen to you. Yeah, you're cracked in the pan, but... shit, I don't know. Your stupid impossible world doesn't sound that bad."
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"It's still stupid and impossible. I worked all my life to fix my mistakes and all I achieved was more torture and death and pain and nothing changed, Karkat, nothing at all. Nothing I did ever mattered except to hurt the trolls I cared about and that's exactly how it is here too, except here I get to see the consequences of my fuckups, over and over again. Maybe they're right not to listen to me when I'm such fool."
It's so difficult to articulate this. All of his doubts and his grief and his anger, things he tried so hard to keep bottled up here, things he tried to ignore for the sake of still being the Signless, the troll so many other trolls in pain could look up to... and why? Because he couldn't just leave well enough alone. Because he had to stubbornly try to force what worked in one universe to work in another when he should have known it was pointless, that it would just end in disaster, that just believing something didn't make it so. No wonder the Helmsman hates him. The Helmsman figured that out the moment he was hooked into the ship, probably. Fuck.
"I've spent all this time being angry at him for wanting nothing to do with me when he was right, Karkat, he was right all along about everything." Karkat should know at this point who Signless means.
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Karkat isn't sure what else to do, so he just holds onto Signless tighter. Because this is bad. This is really fucking bad. Signless sounds... well, he sounds like Karkat.
"Shooosh. Shoooooosh." He paps Signless again. "I don't care if you're a fool. Better to be a fool than a shitpail like him."
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"I wish I were still dead. I wish I'd never come back at all."
So much is hitting him all at once, the more he has time to think about it. He's everything he tried so hard not to be. He could have just lived his life happily with his mother in the desert, living hard but living, and been happy with the knowledge that one day his descendent would repair the damage he'd caused because that was the whole point of scratching in the first place. He could have not involved himself. He could not have involved others who didn't even fully understand what they were working against like he did, all because of his own guilt just because he didn't like the world he'd created. In trying so hard not to be Kankri he became exactly like him and then he tried to be him in a world that wasn't made for trolls like him at all because that was the whole point.
"I wish I'd died in the caverns as a grub, it would have solved so many problems."
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"You fucknug. Stop being a selfish idiot and listen to me."
He grabs Signless by his collar, then pulls his face toward him so that their noses are touching. "The Helmsman is a shithead. He and the Initiate deserve each other. You have a moirail who would be fucking lonely if you didn't exist and that moirail is me, dipshit. Give up on the fuckstain. He's not worth your time. You didn't force him to follow you around. You didn't force anyone to follow you around. People made their own dumb decisions. You did not tell them to brutally murder you to make a point. You didn't tell them to turn you into a weird folk hero to inspire fuckheads like the Summoner. Not every fucking thing is your fault. AND IF YOU WERE DEAD WHERE WOULD I BE KNOWING THAT YOU KILLED YOURSELF OVER ME, YOU STUPID SHITPANNED MORON."
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He leans his forehead against Karkat's, closing his eyes hard to keep himself from crying because crying now would just be selfish too. He feels so awful that he feels like this, that even though Karkat's trying so hard to soothe him and help him he's just empty and sad and nothing's working. What's wrong with him?
"I don't pity him anymore, I don't even hate him anymore, this isn't even about him. I just don't know what to do if everything that I am is nothing. I feel so trapped, Karkat."
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He sighs and rubs the older troll's back. "I dunno, think about when you were a wiggler. What you'd have done then. Or, shit, you remember your past life, right? Maybe do what he'd have done."
(Karkat can only give this advice because Signless hasn't ever really explained much of what his past life was like besides bad at Sgrub.)
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He doesn't say that, though. He knows Karkat means well. He gently disengages from the other troll's arms, moves onto the bed proper, flops face down onto it.
"Maybe I don't want to be anything right now, except exhausted, and your moirail. Will you stay with me?"
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1/2
Signless pushes himself up onto his elbows, eyes sweeping over the blankets and pillows before he notices that Karkat's talking about.
2/2
"Oh, it's so sweet."
Re: 2/2
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"I bought it, because I thought I might like that, having a sort of pet. One that's so simple that it just cares unconditionally."
It coos again. It doesn't care about whatever happened in the arena, it doesn't care about who he is or what he does or doesn't do, it just likes him being there -- or at least he thinks that's what the cooing means. Maybe it can't even feel affection, but it's nice to think that it does.
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He reaches out, gingerly, to touch it, just like Signless had.
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"And I'll need something to be with me when you can't be. Have you been to see Cuthbert yet?"
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He looks down at the fuzzbeast, then gets up to fiddle with the thing that sends food to the respite blocks. He's kind of hungry. Signless might be too by now. And if he's not, Karkat can always feed the leftovers to the fuzzbeast.
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"Karkat. Whatever happened in the arena, it isn't your fault that he died." He assumes Cuthbert died, anyway, if Karkat can go visit him. "I'm sure he'll just be happy to see you."
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