thecapitol | Too much in the truth they say

Entry tags:

Too much in the truth they say

Who| The Ψiioniic & The Signless
What| Seditious talking can't be tamed; neither can vague flirting
Where| Alleyway blind spot
When| May 22 evening (backdating yoooo)
Warnings/Notes| Mention of a recent Avoxing, alien makeouts with a little blood whoops

There were many things they needed to talk about in a blind spot, even though they weren't on a specific rebel mission. Psii had had an argument with Karkat on the roof not long after he got back from jail, and had found himself defending a clown. Yesterday, he had gone against every one of Karkat's doubts and his own instincts and tried to get Initiate's paint back on his face. And earlier today, Psii had found Karkat in tears in the hall. Psii had wanted Signless's counsel, but the resulting emotions might out them both as rebels.

And, though it had little to do with the upheaval of alliances, Psii felt he couldn't speak freely with Signless about even mundane things like shared Alternian memories, or whatever their friendship, like a disease, was mutating into next. Psii knew they couldn't hide every single thing forever, but the Capitol would use anything against them. It was setting off Psii's paranoia. The troll who flashed security cameras was afraid of having the veil pulled back on the feelings and secrets he actually cared about. The stress of the Arenas was bad enough.

Hence the blind spot. Psii kept close to Signless as they entered the tiny alley, little more than a lopsided space between concrete buildings. The grey trolls matched. Psii had even foregone his usual eye-searing amounts of yellow in the name of camouflage. Bits of graffiti let them know this barren space was not entirely forgotten. A small, hardy weed struggled up from a crack in the ground.

"I know you needed a free plathe to thpeak your mind, but I wath afraid to do it too thoon. And.... there were thome thingth I wanted to talk about, too."

He felt along the wall, hesitating before he sat against it. Sitting was an unspoken message that they'd be here a while.

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He took that message for what it was and settled himself next to the Psiioniic with only minimal awkwardness. This felt homey in a way a lot of things hadn't since he'd come to Panem. This crooked little alley was every cave and abandoned building and basement he'd ever spoke in secretly, a safe place just outside the reach of a corrupt empire. It was bizarrely comforting to think that this could still be his life, to realize that he still wanted this to be his life. The Initiate wouldn't have wanted to be the reason he gave up, he knew that much.

"Now is as good a time as any. I feel like a person again, and that's something." He set his elbows on his knees, leaned back against the wall and looked up at the dingy wall opposite. His anger may have cooled significantly since that first overwhelming flare but it was still there inside of him, a bright and burning flame that the Capitol never forgot to feed. Speak your mind, Psii had said. That fire flared and all the words he'd been carefully not saying tumbled out of his mouth.

"I need to be able to keep going at least until the war starts. It's coming, Mituna, and every time they try to stop it they just make it more certain. They think they're sowing fear because we act complacent, but they can't see that everyone is just waiting for the right time to let out all their anger. I need to be here when that time comes. I want to watch this place burn."

Psii knew speaking freely was an important part of Signless, something that when taken away, was as painful as a missing limb. Or rather, a missing tongue. Everyone—from the Capitolites too afraid to act, to the Tributes who died over and over again, to the Avoxes who could only scream on the inside—they all shared the horrible silence Psii had to grow up with.

This sort of destructive rage was new to Psii. Annoyance, indignation, frustration he had seen in Signless before. Psii should have known the shattered lamp wouldn't be the end of his anger. Keeping it inside had taken something from Signless, a sense of self. Psii was afraid he wouldn't be able to get it back. He bristled.

"I don't. I'd like to avoid ghothtly pthychic backwash, thankth. Or did you forget that onthe we regain our powerth, I have to hear every dumbath who getth themthelveth killed becauthe you 'wanted to watch the plathe burn'?" One could almost hear the air quotes as he impersonated his friend. "I thought I'd want to raze everything to the ground, too. With my powerth, killing wath too eathy for me. But when you told me what happened to uth at your Crowning, all I did wath fall apart and then try to burn a shitty curtain. I—I'm tired of it. I'm tired of hearing dying voitheth and knowing I'll inthinerate them later. And now you're talking like a shitty hotshot warlord, but death ith cheap, athhole."

He never liked to talk about past kills in front of his pacifist(?) friend, but there it was. A lot of trolls liked to brag, but most of Psii's kills had been either desperate scrambles for his life; or, on the other side of the coin, as terrifyingly simple as blinking.

"What about the oneth you want to thave in all that dethtruction? How do you know the Capitol won't jutht give Initiate orderth to fight uth? And before you athk: Yeth, I believe he didn't betray anyone. Don't gloat, I arrived at that concluthion through logic. I wath too wary for him to keep me around during a hypothetical thieze of power. He'd have culled or lobotomized me the very firtht thing."

"I was speaking metaphorically, you twit," said Signless with an exaggerated roll of his eyes. "Mostly, anyway. But do you really think there's any way to change this place other than to raze it and rebuild from scratch? Yes, that is most likely going to involve a fight. People will die. I can't be the naive troll who thought everything could be fixed just by talking enough anymore, not even for you. I'm sorry."

This, too, was something he'd not yet said out loud so plainly. His ideals on Alternia were noble, certainly, and he still held many of them -- but Panem had made him cynical. He dearly wished he could still believe that convincing enough people to change their minds was all it would take to change Panem but he knew it would take more than that. Every trace of the corruption that poisoned this world had to be removed, and in a lot of cases that corruption came in the form of people. He would never -- could never -- kill. Not again. But he had long ago accepted that killing was sometimes a necessity when it meant survival.

"We lost trolls on Alternia, too. Ones that acted out and fought because it was all they knew, but also ones who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, who didn't make it out of a raid quickly enough, who risked it anyway because to them it was worth it. Revolution, even the most peaceful and well-intentioned, will by necessity be marked with death. If..."

His voice caught in his throat for just a moment.

"I don't know that they won't make him fight. I can't imagine why they wouldn't. He knew choosing to fight back might kill him, or worse. He took that risk willingly. If I can save him I will, but..." He shrugged with perhaps more force than was natural and his voice came out perhaps a little rougher than he meant it to. "There may be nothing of him left to save. They've probably burned most of who he was out of him already."

Though he'd always thought Signless's pacifism was too idealistic, he himself liked to err on the side of protecting people rather than leading an army. He'd been too cynical to fight for an ideal like in old war stories highbloods liked to talk about, so he fought for friends instead. Friends were better company than dead voices. Still, if the violence of war weighed better than the violence of captivity, Psii had no choice but to join everyone else when things tipped too far.

"I never athked you to be naive." Psii wrinkled his nose. "In fact, I remember conthtantly doing the oppothite, for your thafety. I'm pretty thure war ith inevitable either way. But even when you're not fighting, you thtill have a hand in the violenthe that cometh out of it. You have to be double thure thith ith where you want to go. I'm tired of killing, but I'll do it again, and I won't have you changing your mind and looking down on me.

"He'th in there," Psii said more gently. He didn't have to specify who he was talking about. "He'll probably have to follow orderth to fight uth, but I think he'd try to let uth know beforehand. He knowth who he wath, but he can't help uth. He waitth, and when it'th thafe to remind him, he'll need you to remember how to be who he wath."

He hesitated, knowing he had to explain how he knew this, but unsure of what the hell he'd been trying to accomplish in the first place, even after the fact. He, Mituna Captor, who had been terrorized like so many other slaves by those goons in paint, had tried to help Initiate. Maybe he'd gone crazy, desperate to save an Avox who couldn't be saved.

"....I tried to get him to put on hith paint."

In a way, hearing that the Initiate was still buried somewhere within that ghostlike avox hurt more than it helped. It was easier to disassociate from him if he was already gone, easier to pretend to hate the body that remained, easier to proclaim on camera that he deserved what he got. Having the hope that he might one day bring his stupid, brave, stupid moirail back was only going to make it hurt more if the Initiate died on the wrong side of the war.

Still. After a point, hope was all he had, wasn't it? He'd told Kurloz that he'd never abandon him again and he'd meant that. If there was a chance to bring him back then he'd hold that inside himself, a tiny glowing thing, and keep it somewhere quiet and safe where it wouldn't damage too much if it died but where it could also bloom if the right circumstances presented themselves.

"Thank you. For trying to help him," he said. A lot of the fire that had been in his tone a few minutes prior was gone. "I think right now the best we can do for him is to not draw attention to him -- if he acts out, he'll be put through their avox training all over again, and I don't know if more layers of it will make it harder to break later on." He had a sneaking suspicion that was almost certainly the case, and he didn't want to find out if he was right or not.

"And you know I wouldn't look down on you for killing. I never have. Sometimes a person does what they feel is necessary to stay alive, and sometimes that means killing. Just because I hold myself to certain moral standards even if that means death doesn't mean someone who prioritizes continuing to live over morality deserves my disdain."

"But I don't want you to die!"

Psii was aware that sounded like a futile protest a wiggler might make, but he didn't care. A rage flashed across his face, and he was tempted to snag his fist on Signless's shirt and shake him.

"I know living ith harder than dying, but come on. Dying'th eathy, people do it all the time. You're no uthe to anyone dead. You could at leatht let me die firtht tho I won't have to lothe you. Athhole."

He choked on the last word. There was a horrible scraping at his heart whenever he imagined losing his friend. He turned his head, spat on the ground, and scowled. Signless infuriated him so much sometimes that it was hard to hold a conversation without being distracted. It didn't help that lately they'd baited, enabled, and taunted each other freely. Signless didn't believe in quadrant boundaries, so every day was shipping roulette.

"You're a real piethe of work, Vantas. But we didn't come here to admire your glaring faultth. We'd be here all night." He made a grab at his hand, desperate to cling to something before he fell into a truly melancholy mood. "You know your dethendant doethn't agree with uth about Initiate? He'th pretty convinthed he wath everything a Grand Highblood should be."

Briefly, Signless considered not letting Psii get a hold of his hand. It would be a cathartic, petty little action but at the same time it wouldn't help anything. He needed solidarity just as much as the Psiioniic did and frankly the other troll was one of the best sources of it he had. Even if they needled and dug at each other, they were always going to be there to hold each other up. He felt that should go without saying.

"I'm not going to go out of my way to try to die," he said, squeezing Psii's hand tight. "I got over that perigees ago. I don't want to be a martyr. But I am not going to pretend that it isn't possible that not everyone will make it out of this fight alive. Accepting that something might happen doesn't mean being stupid enough to make sure it does."

He looked very, very hard at their folded hands.

"It might not be me. It might be you, or Roland, or Karkat -- it might be all of you, and I need to be able to tell myself I've come to terms with that going in or I won't be able to be of any help because I'll be too distracted being terrified I might lose you.

"And Karkat... Karkat has his reasons." He knew by now about Gamzee and that whole uncomfortable affair-- not the true gritty details of it, just the broad strokes. Enough to know that Karkat had a distrust of clowns burnt into him that went far beyond caste lines.

"He might come around. He might not. If I can bring Kurloz back from inside his own head, maybe they can make amends. If he and I could do it, anyone can."

Psii didn't pry into Karkat's reasons. The last time he'd even came close to doing that, he'd gotten chewed out, and nothing good came of it. It wasn't Psii's place. Psii knew what it was like to have a hangup and not want anyone to touch upon it.

"I don't even have my vithionth now, to tell me when my friendth will go," he said bleakly. That was the only certainty currently left to him.

Psii knew there was no point berating Signless for his moral choice, not when he secretly wished himself that he'd never had to kill anyone. Signless's assertions still left Psii with a vague disquiet. Signless would use his strength to throw down his weapon instead of take it up, which was honorable and all, but Psii knew enemies would shoot him for it regardless.

"Should I apologize for being an ath, or should I apologize for not tethting you enough? I honethtly don't know."

Being Signless's friend (or whatever the hell they were) meant he tested him often enough, but he also sometimes just wanted to throw an arm around his shoulders and give him support, too.

"I don't see why you can't do both. Sometimes I need you to be an ass. I need someone who can tell me when I'm acting like a twit, and you're one of the few people I trust to be honest with me. I don't always take your advice, but I listen to you."

That's what best friends did, right? Told each other when they were being twits?

"We'll make it as far as we're able. That's really all we can expect of ourselves."

It was true that if it came down to it, he'd sooner die than kill. He knew that made his chances of coming out of the war alive slim unless he spent it in hiding. He'd been ready to die on Alternia and even if the Psiioniic didn't like it, he was ready to die in Panem.

"You're being a twit now. I outright tell you I need you, like thome nookblathted crywiggler chump, and you don't even have the dethenthy to tell me you'll make more of an effort to thtay alive."

His voice was the usual grumpy timbre he used when complaining about a headache or the weather, but he pulled his hand away from the solidness of Signless's warm one. He hugged his own knees as he turned his head to look away. Accidentally-on-purpose hatesnogging was all well and good, but what was the point of fooling around with someone who didn't seem very attached to the world of the living? Psii wished he could reassure himself that Signless didn't have a death wish, but Psii was never that confident or well-balanced.

"You're a fucking pain in the ath, and I don't know why I bother. All our fightth are embarathing ath shit anyway, and I don't know why you bother."

Signless sighed. He was more than used to Psii's ability to underestimate his own value. Sometimes it made him angry -- it was frustrating to have Psii sit right there and act as though he wasn't important, wasn't good enough, when it was so obvious to Signless that that wasn't true. Sometimes, like now, he didn't have the heart to be angry. Instead, he leaned heavily sideways on the Psiioniic's shoulder, nose bumping against his neck.

"Listen to me, you mopey sack of bones. I am making an effort to stay alive. A very concentrated one, in fact. I don't want to die. It wouldn't be right of me to leave you before I can get it through your monumentally thick skull that I care about you. That's why I bother. Whatever else you are to me, you're my best friend."

He gave the Psiioniic's neck the tiniest of nips to punctuate his point.

"I just don't want to be shunted aside to somewhere safe and out of the way when I could do some actual good."

Signless knew him too well. He pierced through Psii's criticism to his embarrassing self-depreciation like a laser. He even brought up the best friend card and threw in something about being something more, like twisting a knife. It hurt and made his eyes sting, but it also reminded him of why he hung out with this asshole in the first place. No one else could quite match his unique empathy, or the way his blunt fangs' nips could be completely harmless.

He was unable to clear his throat to say anything at first. He enveloped Signless in his arms and accepted the reality of a face-full of curly hair.

"You mithed my fathe, shortath," he croaked. "Try growing taller tho you can reach it."

"Maybe you should bend down more," he grumbled with no real animosity in his voice whatsoever. "Your posture is already shot."

He didn't wait for the Psiioniic to take his advice, however. For one thing he was pretty sure the other troll wasn't going to give up what little advantage his height afforded him, and for another he was pretty sure that had been a come-on as much as it was a taunt.

He tipped his head up (hopefully tickling the Psiioniic's stupid pointy nose in the process) and pressed his lips to the corner of Psii's mouth, nipping at his lower lip with those ineffective nubby fangs. If he had to aggressively shower this troll with affection to convince him he was wanted, so be it.

He'd expected Signless's first overtures in his respiteblock to be a fluke. He was even welcome to kiss Psii's cheek instead. What Psii got was not wholly a surprise, but the shriveled muscle in his chest cavity leaped with unfamiliar hope. He opened his mouth to deepen the kiss, nipping Signless's top lip. He missed this. He hadn't been with anyone in a long while, whether due to stress or his low opinion of himself.

The tickle Signless's hair had started in his nose grew stronger, and he suddenly tore away to sneeze. It was a quiet thing, half held in. Most of him was quieter than average, a thing he could never unlearn, except when he forced bravado while talking. Being quiet kept him out of trouble as a wiggler.

"Your hair ith thtupid and it reekth of thpinal crevithe."

He rubbed the itch from his nose and hesitated. He wanted to keep making out, and he wasn't even sure talking about hacking to anyone was a good idea, but....

"Don't be in thuch a hurry to run into battle and tetht your no-killing thtreak. Your wordth are a powerful weapon, too. I may have found a way to get them out there--without getting killed." He lowered his voice. "I've got contact with a hacker from Thirteen. He found me, which ith thaying thomething. He wath the one behind that network potht with all the people blubbering for their loved oneth in Thirteen. Pretty good, but it'd be more utheful if.... we could plot more mithionth or get people like you to thpread a methage, thomething you've alwayth wanted to thay but couldn't in the Capitol...."

He was hesitant to mention missions, even in passing, so close to the last one. Sure, they'd prevented mass destruction, but at great cost.

Signless was quiet a moment, worrying his lower lip with his fangs. It was half a tic he'd always had when he was thinking and half because it had been a long, long time since anyone had kissed him with quite that much fang. A selfish part of him wanted to put off the rebellion talk just a little longer, but he couldn't deny it was more important.

"So long as I'm doing something. Running messages that can't be sent electronically, giving triage on the battlefield, guiding those who can't fight to safe locations. I don't want to die. I don't want to kill. I just want to be treated with enough respect to be allowed to contribute instead of having to submit to coddling. You know me, you shouldn't be surprised that the idea of just sitting around being safe is abhorrent to me."

"That'th why I hate you. You've probably shaved ten thweepth off my life through sheer anxthiety. When I firtht met you, I wanted to take betth on how long you'd latht. I thought you were an idiot with a death wish. Not tho thure about the death wish part now, but the idiothy thtill thtandth."

Psii left out the part where he himself had been half suicidal, a slave on the run who believed himself doomed. He thought he might as well go out with a bang protecting someone who spoke up about things he couldn't. Then Psii started counting the nights he'd been free, then the sweeps. Before he knew it, his future looked alarmingly like he'd have to plan on enjoying himself. His fangs poked daringly through his lopsided smirk, but he put his arm gently around Signless's shoulders in contrast. Psii had his own funny way of embodying two opposites whenever he could.

"I got too uthed to protecting a thymbol of our rebellion. I forgot that you're not very good at obeying when thomeone tellth you what to do. And I forgot what it wath like giving you thethe."

He tugged Signless to him and noogied his head for all he was worth.

Signless realized what was coming a half second before it happened, far too late to avoid it. He squawked and wriggled, shoving at Psii's side, but the lanky troll was deceptively strong when he already had a good grip going.

"You -- You ass!" he growled, knowing better than to shout when it might attract attention. This called for desperate measures. He snaked one hand around and pinched Psii's side, right beneath his grub scars.

He too did not want to draw attention. He hissed instead of yelping at the sudden and uncanny sensation of his grub skin being pinched. His arms jerked and lost their hold on Signless.

"Who'th the ath now? That wath a low blow, Kankri!" he declared.

His long arms had given him the advantage before. He snaked them around Signless and went for a low blow himself, because he was a classy troll. Double pinching his ass was in order, simply because it was round and there.

It was only understandable that Signless's first instinct was to kick. It was equally understandable that his second instinct was to attempt to wiggle backwards, which unfortunately was a little difficult with the wall there.

"Pervert," he huffed, but it was hard to keep back the grin that was trying to force its way onto his face.

"You're the one who kithed me, athhole. On the fangth."

He pressed his lips to his again to remind him. Signless was always warmer than Psii expected, and it took him a moment to open his mouth to that sudden heat again. His lips were softer this time around. Only his need to taunt him parted them again.

"Who'th the pervert exthactly? A betht friend, ithn't that kind of low-hanging fruit? I'm not above a little fooling around, but ath your betht friend, I'm quethtioning your tathte in one-day thtandth. You'd better not do anything—or anyone—you'll regret."

The grin was still on his lips, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, which suddenly had a hard time meeting Signless's bright red ones. His self-depreciation was at work. He was already straightening his shirt where it had bunched askew in their scuffle, as if they wouldn't do anything more again. Why should they? Psii wasn't even sure what Signless meant by him being anything else besides a best friend, and he wasn't going to get his hopes up. Signless could very well regret flirting, or whatever it was, and Psii didn't want him to look at him with remorse.

That self-deprecation was always hard to see. As much as Signless liked to tease the Psiioniic, he never liked to see him really feel bad about himself.

See, that was always the problem with him. He could feel as black as he liked, tease as much as he wanted, be as genuinely annoyed as the Psiioniic could make him, but there would always be that gentle pale care in the back of his mind ready to surge forward.

"I would never regret you. I don't regret allowing you into my life and I don't regret allowing myself to care about you. I put up with your tantrums and your needling and you pinching my ass because for whatever reason you're important to me, no matter how much you make me want to pull my own hair out sometimes. I also don't kiss someone unless I'm already sure that I want to."

He hadn't expected Signless to turn so serious, but he should have. Signless was a romantic, and he said what he damn well pleased when other people usually wouldn't. If his words didnt cut straight to where Psii hurt most, he'd be tempted to groan and blow a raspberry. Instead, he turned yellow and spluttered,

"....Now I feel put on the thpot. I'm not ath good at pathionate thpeecheth ath you, ethpethially when you make that conthtipated fathe. I never even thought you'd want me in a quadrant until I heard the newth here." And it had to be pale, the one quadrant Psii had most difficulty with. There were sweeps and sweeps of shit to wade through.

"But you have alwayth driven me crazy." His smile tentatively returned, and he poked Signless's chest. "I'll never let you live down that ship idea. I thtill can't believe you actually enjoy theafood after all that."

Good things never happened for him. Even now, while giving his lip a playful nip, he didn't believe his good fortune would last. One of them would probably die in the rebellion first.

It was true. There were a lot of times when Signless would joke, but this was not one of them. The people who were dear to him were of the utmost importance, and them knowing they were dear to him was something he took very seriously. For so much of his life all he'd really had was people and so he valued those connections deeply, even when they were connections with lispy douchebags. Almost especially then.

"And I still can't believe you don't like seafood. Just the simple act of eating it is a visible 'fuck you' to the seadweller elite." He thought Psii was all about visible 'fuck you's. Still, gave the other troll's lip a fond bite in response, then sent his mouth off an adventure over Psii's jaw and finally to his earlobe.

"Listen," he said, voice very quiet. "I could have you in a quadrant, pale or black, or both, because as angry as you make me I also only ever want to make things better for you. I could have you as just my very best friend and leave quadrants out of it entirely. So long as I have you, I don't care what name we put to it. Do you understand? Don't feel obligated to be something specific to please me. What you are already is what I want."

"No, it'th.... pandering to their awful tathteth...." he murmured between kisses to the scruff on his cheek.

His ear tickled and pricked up when Signless spoke into it. He wrapped his arms around him in a firm hug, as if clutching him tightly could protect him. Psii supposed that was part of why Signless suggested paleness. Though most of Psii's worries for him nowadays were external dangers, he never forgot that Signless's heart had taken a beating here.

His words touched him more deeply than he could comprehend in this moment, but he still didn't fully understand. Wasn't the addition of kissing changing what Signless had from him? There were also things that Psii chose not to talk to Signless about sometimes, whether because he was afraid of being a bother or because he was scared to dig up what lurked in his own subconscious. That would be a change, too. Taking that step seemed it would be like the first time he'd flown; exhilarating, but also fucking terrifying.

"No one'th really told me that before. I alwayth thought there wath thuppothed to be thome thort of change to thtart a quadrant.... I don't get it. What if we want to have thloppy makeoutth, what then? That'th a change, latht I checked."

"Oh, Mituna," he said, with something that might have been a laugh or might have been a sigh. Hard to tell. Probably both.

"It isn't, not really. It's just expressing the care I already feel for you in a new way. It all comes from the same place; it's in how one chooses to express it that the nature of the relationship is decided. Maybe that's why it's so easy for me to blend quadrants. I don't see them as so exclusive, so much as different facets of the same whole. Do you see?"

"....Thometimeth I behave like we're in a different quadrant than I exthpect," he began hesitantly, "but I think that'th jutht becauthe I have mood thwingth, I don't know...."

He sighed and buried half his face in Signless's hair. What Signless was talking about was a range of emotions Psii wasn't used to sharing with one person at the same time, without thinking of it as an unhealthy quadrant. It never occurred to him that pieces of quadrants could make a healthy one.

"No, I thtill don't get it. It'th thomething I've never done before. But I care about you. A lot. And I gueth if I can't thtop doing boyfriend-y thingth, I might ath well be one."

He shrugged and gave a shaky little laugh, breath rustling against his curls, "And here I thought we were jutht going to meth around and not talk about it later."

"You know I'm incapable of not talking about things," Signless says, a little shaky laugh bubbling up in his own throat. "And we can keep talking about it until we reach a consensus we both like, if this is something you want."

He turns his head sideways and rests his face in the crook of Psii's neck.

"Not that I'm opposed to messing around."

He should have known. Signless could talk forever in general, but especially about romance and his unconventional ideas for social reform regarding it. Psii cradled his warmth against against the pulse of his neck. It was a mark of trust having someone's fangs so close there for so long. Violence was never far from a troll's mind, even in tender moments. Psii's thumb rubbed along the base of one nubby horn and smirked,

"Wow, way to trap me. You already know I'm going to thay, 'Why not both?'"

He grazed a claw along the same horn, half to surprise Signless, and half to spite him.

"Tho, um...." The words he tried to deliver started strong, but quickly degenerated into half stuttering, "Do you really think I'm an ath? Like, truly?"

That didn't come out nearly so smoothly as instinctive touches. He sounded too hopeful and not at all cool. He regretted believing even for a second that he could be cool.

His chirp of surprise quickly turned into a laugh. Not a derisive laugh, not at all, but the kind of laugh someone laughs when someone asks whether the sky is blue or water is wet.

"Look at yourself. Who wouldn't find you at least a little aggravating?"

He was blushing with relief like a schoolfeeding wiggler—that is, if he ever went to school in the first place. At least it was easier to recover the power of speech with a friend he'd spent sweeps trading barbs with. The only difference was trying to say his old comebacks while eating face. Half effective, at least.

"Are you thaying my fathe ith aggravating? Becauthe I'm pretty thure you need to look in the ganderglath yourthelf, nookmunch. I've got my fathe directly in your fathe, and the view ithn't pleathant. That ith a conthenthuth we can agree on."

He nipped him again and didn't bother untangling their mess of fangs.

"I was referring to all of--"

Signless was never able to finish his thought, what with the fangs suddenly all up in his business. He considered briefly being annoyed about it and was pleasantly surprised to find that, in fact, he was. Annoyed enough to kiss back with just as much teeth, no longer gently nipping but really biting.

This was nice. Much as his life felt like it had been turned on its head recently, much as there was still that tightly-wound ball of anger in his chest just waiting for an excuse to explode, he could afford a momentary distraction. He could certainly afford to distract himself with this when the comfort he got from those he was close to was all he had in Panem to keep him from going mad.

All of him, eh? If his antics could successfully distract Signless from his grief, even only for a few hours, he would gladly do it. As if for the first time, he saw the reckless way he protected Signless, even challenged him. Laid out so plainly, he could not deny it now with evasions and hesitations. He tasted metal as his lip broke and bled against Signless's warmer ones. The pain came a moment later.

"Ath," he growled in earnest. He shifted on his knees and tangled their legs. He cupped his face, fingers curling in his hair tight enough to tug like needles on his scalp. He pressed their foreheads together but pulled their fangs apart, fixing Signless with an intent, pupil-less stare.

"I'm glad you're alive," he purred, fangs edged with his dark gold blood.

Psii's smile faded. Times like these, Psii felt he could see two images converging, like a shitty pair of 3D glasses shifting into place. He was glad Signless was alive and with him, but somehow along the way, part of him had died anyway. The proof had been Signless saying he felt more like a person today. What was he before? when he lost his first moirail to the arena, when he culled for the first time, and most recently, when Initiate was avoxed?

"Be careful they don't kill you inthide. My vithionth don't predict that."

"They've tried. They've almost succeeded sometimes."

He sighed, but did not look away from Psii's eyes. The tang of blood in his mouth kept him grounded, kept him from sinking back into the past and into that feeling of hopelessness. This, right now, was real and intimate and safe.

Funny how being bit until he bled could feel safer than any cushy Capitol pampering.

"But my mind is one of the few things they can't control completely, and they won't try to unless I give them a reason. I don't plan to. So long as they think I'm playing along, I'm free to keep the part of myself that is still me safe. It's only like wearing a mask, and I've managed it this long. I can manage it a little longer."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Too much in the truth they say

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i think... i think this might be almost done. THE END OF AN ERA

an era of alien makeouts

aaand done?