I could fix a lot of things

[crabmunicator]

Who| Karkat and Nill
What| Doing the moirail thing at Nill.
Where| District 9, then District 6.
When| Not long after Linden's post.
Warnings/Notes| Mentions of bidding.

It's not terribly long after running into Linden (not literally, as that would end painfully for them both) that Karkat finds his way up to D9. He's there frequently these days, between Nill and Dave being there, but it's with more of a mission in mind that he goes now. There's something of it in his expression when he gets there.

"Nill?" he calls out once he's off the elevator. He doesn't actually know if she's here right now, let alone what part of the floor, but he keeps his eye open as he heads in. If he doesn't find her in the common area or the kitchen, then he'll move on to check her room.

Comments

[reassures]

Nill never made nearly the kind of point to stay in her own District before the arrival of the two dark-haired Avoxes now assigned there, but even since she has spent significantly more of her time there than she ever did after the curfew; almost a full quarter of her day, in fact, and that doesn't include when she sleeps most days. And because they're her reason for being there, it means she spends much more of her time in the common area.

She's on the couch, looking halfheartedly through one of her books of constellations, but she rises to her feet pretty quickly when she hears Karkat calling. She ends up meeting him about halfway, a tiny smile on her face, and though she gives him a brief wave her expression is curious. Though not sure, it definitely sounds like something is on his mind.

[crabmunicator]

He's glad to find her easily, but what relief shows at that soon fades as she comes up with her curiosity. The initial shock of everything has had time to fade, but the subject at hand isn't anywhere near a comfortable one, and this talk is bound to be unhappy. But he's her moirail, and he's not about to let things sit unaddressed.

"I talked to Linden," is how he puts it, and it should say a lot. "He said you weren't taking it well, and with how little you've been sleeping lately - yes, I noticed - I figure we should go have a talk about things."

bidding cw for literally the entire rest of this post it will definitely get worse after this

[reassures]

What he actually wants to talk about isn't a huge surprise, especially given just how bad Linden looked. It wasn't something the Mentor was going to hide even if he tried, and the fact that Karkat was worried about is even less strange.

The part that Nill doesn't entirely understand is why Karkat seems to be worried about her. She's not the one that had to have that piece of human trash's hands on her, she's not the one that got fucked, and she's not the one that got beaten, as if to just add injury to the insult and disgust.

Her wings have already folded down against her back, but Nill, at least, doesn't seem to have noticed the more obvious outward signs of her own discomfort. She frowns, but gives him a wary nod.

my room?

already warned in the top description actually

[crabmunicator]

"Nope, mine," he answers back, tone easy but firm. This is not about him so much, and while her room might be near, it's also hard to preemptively set up a pile there before finding her. His room, much easier.

"Come on," he adds in a gentler tone, and holds his hand out in case she might want it. So long as she'll follow, he'll bring her to the elevator, and soon enough down to floor six.

He of course notices her discomfort, but there's not much to say on it yet. Not before they're situated.

[reassures]

Well, that's a different sort of surprised. Most of the time that they've done much of... anything, really, it's been on her floor, which is probably because he's usually the one that comes to her, or she insists he sleeps there when they're anywhere else. Nill looks no less confused, but the general distraction of it does a fair enough job at easing away some of her wariness for the moment.

She nods, but holds up a hand, and writes something on her notepad before going over to the dark-haired woman avox and holding it up for her to read. The two nod at each other, and Nill smiles briefly, before returning to Karkat and taking his hand. She's more than happy to follow him to the elevator and down to 6 now, but she tries to keep the Avoxes on her floor as much as she can.

[crabmunicator]

Karkat raises an eyebrow at the brief interruption, but he's also not stupid. He's noticed by now how similar those two Avoxes look to Linden, and the question of why is not one he intends to ask anytime soon if ever. He doesn't need to be in trouble again, let alone for someone else's likely painful history.

Without saying anything, he leads her down.

Once on his floor, he leads to his room without detour. It's apparent as soon as she's inside why he insisted: there's a pile set up, made from the blankets and pillows of his bed along with softer things from his collection of clothes. Thanks, stylist. His cape from Signless's Crowning is definitely in there along with some generically flashier items. It's not like he's been wearing them lately; he's been trying to keep a low profile.

"We're doing this troll style." He's not looking at her, and his cheeks are maybe taking the slightest tinge of pink. "An old-fashioned feelings jam on the pile, made from soft things because I don't want to risk damaging my paperbacks or making things uncomfortable for your wings."

He coughs once to clear his voice, then finally glances back. "The idea is we sit and talk about stuff. You've brought me out of the emotional grindstone enough times that I want to help you deal with things, too--and I've noticed you've been down, plus this now..." He motions, weak and open and vague.

"Okay?" he asks, though the tone is more is this okay? than presuming agreement.

[reassures]

The main reason Nill recognizes it is because she remembers the pile that the Initiate had when she'd visited his room a few times, and though clearly not made up of the same things she has little doubt it probably serves more or less the same purpose.

And though she knows that Karkat means well, has never not meant well when it came to her, Nill hesitates. Talking about feelings isn't safe in a place like Panem, and the kind of paranoia of being watched that she has had to deal with over the years is certainly coloring her reaction to this. It's one thing to be unsafe in other places, but it's another to be unsafe almost every second of your life, and the only time she feels like she can talk about things like this without it biting her is when absolutely no one can follow or listen in on the conversation. Powered arenas essentially, and this is not one of them.

She knows her silence can't be reassuring, so after a few seconds Nill very gently touches his arm, trying for some small piece of reassurance and comfort, before she lets go of his hand and goes to sit down. When she's seated she writes again.

I'll try.

[crabmunicator]

Shit, did he mess up? As the silence stretches he grows more nervous, and he's ready to open his mouth and babble out something to fill it when her hand finds his arm. Gentle though it is, he twitches, eyes snapping back to her as she... goes and sits down. The breath he lets out is obvious, and probably the way his shoulders ease too.

I'll try, she says, and that's enough for now. He follows over to sit down beside her, mind flashing over memories of cacophonous honks and prodding metal edges before he's sat comfortably against the soft objects that make this. This is better; this is theirs. Or his--but with any luck, it will become a thing for them, and not a failed attempt.

Despite everything, he's still nervous.

"I know this isn't going to be comfortable," he starts in, looking at his hands as he makes small gestures. "Because life has been a whirling, hellish blade pitcher determined to eviscerate our emotions in recent times, with perhaps the one break being that I'm still alive. But this isn't about me right now, because we've talked about me and had our moments, and they've helped; but a moirallegiance isn't conducted from one side."

Head turning, he looks sideways at her, not straight on. "You've been sleeping less, and you are mistaking me for someone who I don't think has ever been here if you think I can't smell how much more you've been smoking lately. And I don't know all the human connotations around that, but you mentioned when I first met you how it's supposed to be calming--and guess what? That's what I'm here for! To help you with this shit, and figure out your problems, and work you through them when you can't alone."

Hitting his stride now that he has more words out, his posture straightens, and he finally meets her eye.

"So obviously you're stressed about things to begin with, and now this has happened with Linden..." Horrifying and terrible as it is. His lips purse, but only for a moment. "The rules forbid him from giving you advantages for the arenas, but if they forbade caring in other contexts my ancestor would have been hauled in for punishment a long time ago. Linden told me you're taking it bad, and I'm not going to wait a week to see how much smokier you smell before I say something about it."

With a motion half at her and half at their present configuration, he says, "I want you to tell me how you're feeling. If you are being too cagey about it I will not hesitate to pap you, but my goal is not to dig so far that you want to clam down on everything or regret sitting down with me. If I'm going too far, tell me, okay? My goal is to help, but I'm--we're new to this." And there's that nervousness again, flashing in his eye. "It will take some figuring out, but I want to make this work."

[reassures]

Though Nill doesn't understand troll relationships quite as much as she would like to - the relationship moirails had was significantly more physical than she expected - she's at least fairly certain that the dread she had felt waiting for Karkat's release from whatever the Capitol had done to him was something that was normal for them, and even more normal when she was so hopelessly relieved to see him after coming back. She had hoped they were dead, she had hoped they were all dead, and she hated it the moment she opened the door and saw him. What would she have done if he really hadn't come back?

Karkat is barely a few sentences into his explanation when Nill begins craving fire in her hands, tar in her lungs, and it's something of an effort to keep herself from reaching for the pack she usually kept on her. At least having the craving is enough of an indicator that Karkat is right, and that she has been far too obvious about her mental state as of late. Sleep could be glossed over if she tried, but when it came to smoking that was significantly less likely.

She looks far from comfortable, which is perhaps to be expected. It has been years since she last told someone when she was really upset or angry, and all the people she'd inevitably told were ones that witnessed her car getting ever closer to a cliff, fully prepared to fly right off it at 80 mph.

Like before, it takes several seconds before she manages to come up with anything to write.

the rules say there can be no fraternization.

It's an easy correction, and hopefully not one that will be taken as her being aware due to any potential feelings. She won't get Linden in trouble, not again. She refuses.

I do too.

The words I'll try. are underlined now as well. God, she hopes he won't mind being patient with her. It's so much harder to write a simple note than it should be.

sometimes my fans like to spend time with me. they say they would rather read my words than listen to my interpreter.
I was at the same bar Linden was in with his friend.
how much did he tell you?

Something violent and unpleasant crawls through her veins as she writes those last few sentences, and when she holds the note up again Karkat might notice that her pen dug into the page a little more than usual where she wrote the word 'friend.'

[crabmunicator]

Karkat waits again, and it's a little easier to take this time. She's sitting down, she hasn't left or made sign of wanting to, and it's only fair to let her gather her thoughts. She's not used to it, and it's not the easiest subject.

The first part, regarding the rules, makes his lips purse. His ancestor really hasn't gotten anything about it, but that does that mean? Is he just lucky? Is it amnesty because they're both offworlders? Linden is from here and has been around a while... But Karkat doesn't ask, and resolves not to go prying. He doesn't want to put anyone at further risk.

At least her resolution to try and make this work is reassuring. He gives her a look, those pressed lips curving into a weak, small, yet hopeful smile. He's tempted to grasp her hand, but that would hinder writing, and so remains still.

"He told me about bidding, Nill. His makeup was shit; it couldn't cover the marks right." He taps friend with a fingertip and raises an eyebrow. He doesn't buy it, but he won't ask aloud. "It's fucked up that... that someone would do that to him. Use that and hurt him."

It's a careful choice of words, ultimately. He'd like to rant and rave and denounce the whole bidding system, but he'd rather not appear seditious right now.

[reassures]

Discussing something like this is a lot harder with Karkat than with Linden, but part of that may just be due to the divide between trolls and humans. For humans things sexual or romantic feelings tended to outweigh other emotions both in how valid they were considered, and and generally perceived as a lot more scandalous when it didn't fit what was currently socially acceptable. It didn't matter that she and Linden hadn't done anything like that, not when people were watching. She's not sure how much Karkat really understands that, and trying to explain it right would be too obvious here.

She tries to give him a smile that looks reassuring, because she does want to talk about this, because for once in her life someone actually wants her too, but it's so dangerous to do, and it might just come across looking anxious. It doesn't exactly become more at ease when she starts writing again. The smile is all but gone as she writes out the word 'normal.'

bidding is normal in Panem.
there's something a little like it in my world too.

Normal does not mean okay, not ever in her eyes, but it's not something they can safely talk about. Just the idea that she has to use words to justify any part of it makes her feel unwell, but to do otherwise is not safe.

I did not see Linden at first. I saw his friend. I have seen him at other parties.
I wanted to say hello and I got between them before I noticed Linden was there.

That much is a bold-faced lie, but it's not one that she expects Karkat to believe. It's not a lie for him, and that much shows in the way her eyes linger on him when he reads that part.

The people I was with wanted me to join them again and I left.
Claudius wanted to talk with me more.
it might have made him upset later.
I wanted to do better for him.

For Linden, not for that miserable sack of skin and excuse for a living being. Though Nill does not outright blame herself for the treatment Linden endured in Claudius's bedroom, she does believe to a certain extent that had she stayed, had she gone back when Claudius tried to stop her, then maybe Linden wouldn't have walked out of there looking like a punching bag. Maybe he wouldn't have had someone's hands around his neck for the hundredth miserable time in her life. It shows in the hunch of her shoulders, the way her lips go into a thin line.