my head's under water

[sizeofyourbaggage]

Who| Sam Wilson and OPEN + closed threads for Initiate, Bucky, and Porrim
What| finding friends and trying to find his state of mind
Where| In the lobby of the Tribute Tower
When| After Sam’s death in the arena
Warnings/Notes| Discussions of death, violence, nightmares, and PTSD; will update with others if needed! Prompts for closed threads in the comments.


On the way up from where he’d woken up to the district suites, Sam’d noticed the blanket and pillow fort occupying part of the lobby. He’d passed it by then, because he wasn’t quite suited for company yet. He’d practically let Arya kill him, and he knows it, and he’s still not balanced enough to honestly be able to tell if it was because he refused to kill a little girl just to keep himself alive for a little bit longer, or if he was just that messed up at the moment.

Sam needed to get himself sorted, as much as he could, and once he was, he had people he needed to check on.

But a day or so after his return, he’s back down in the lobby, checking it out. He looks around for anyone who might be using it, or who’s nearby, so he can head over to them to ask who’d built it, or if they wouldn’t mind some company.

If he can’t find anyone, he’ll just make himself at home, until someone joins him or asks what he thinks he’s doing.

Comments

[atethecanary]

As much as Julian would deny it, he’s grown pretty fond of the nickname. It’s what manages to bring a small smile to his face as he fluffs up the pillows for emphasis and says, “I will. I’m going to have to bring all my snacks in here. They'll need their own section.” For now the Chex mix will do, and he takes the bowl Sam shoves in his direction.

“It’s… fine.” Fine in the sense that Julian doesn’t want Sam to be sorry for it. Julian doesn’t like to think about how not fine it had been when he’d seen Sam’s picture in the sky. He shrugs, and busies himself with picking at the Chex mix.

“What got you?” Or who. Julian sounds unsure as he asks, almost takes it back with a never mind straight away. But even if he doesn’t really want to talk about the arena, he has to know if there’s someone he should be angry at. There’s not much he can do, but he can give them dirty looks, at least.

[sizeofyourbaggage]

Sam chuckles a little. "We'll build an extension just for a snack room."

It's not fine, but judging by the way that Julian's suddenly very interested in the Chex mix, he's guessing that the kid knows that. He wonders how he'd done without him, what'd happened, but, well. It's pretty obvious how he'd done, and he can ask the other one in a second.

"I got trapped in the caves with a lot of other Tributes. It's not her fault, she didn't have another choice to get out of there." And Sam'd told her to do it, but he doesn't want to go into that right now. She'd died later from the wounds he'd given her when they fought, anyway, so it wasn't like it mattered. Then he pauses, as something occurs to him. "You get stuck in that?"

[atethecanary]

“Oh.” And that's all Julian says, though there’s some pretty clear recognition in his expression. He hadn’t realized Sam had been in the caves, too, but if he says that Sam’s most likely going to ask him about it. Of course, it ends up not mattering when Sam asks about it anyway. Figures.

He hesitates, but he’s not going to lie. “I did, but I got out.” Julian knows perfectly well what that implies he did, but he’d rather just leave the explanation at that. The Chex mix becomes ignored as Julian starts to form a pillow barrier around himself, and as if that wasn’t suspicious enough he’s quick to try and change the subject.

“Can I have a separate section in this extension? Because I don’t want people trying to eat my snacks.”

[sizeofyourbaggage]

Oh is pretty much all Julian needs to say, especially coupled with the recognition. Still, Sam asks anyway, and the answer he gets is even more telling.

Julian getting out means, in one way or another, the person he was supposed to kill ended up dead. Which at the very least makes this indirectly Julian’s first kill, and that’s… hard on soldiers, let alone on an inexperienced kid.

Sam doesn’t stop him from building the pillow barrier, if he needs something to help him deal with this conversation, but he doesn’t bite on the subject change. “What happened?”

[atethecanary]

For a little while Julian’s silent, picking at the pillows and glancing to the side like he’s considering running away. Julian knows he’ll have to tell Sam at some point, though, so it’s better to just get it over with.

He has to look down at the pillows as he does it, but eventually he answers, “I got assigned to someone with claws. He scratched me and I…” Freaked out. There’s another pause as Julian lets out a shaky breath. “I had weapons, so I started swinging them at him. The axe I had hit and sliced through his chest. He was still alive when I left after that, but I know he died from it.”

There’s more to it than that, like how Julian still doesn’t quite understand why Initiate didn’t attack him more or dodge the axe, but it’s the best explanation Julian can manage for now. He glances up, and then back down again, before he says in a very small voice, “I didn’t want to kill him.”