Karkat Vantas ♋ carcinoGeneticist (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
crabmunicator) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thecapitol2015-02-18 01:18 am
crabmunicator) wrote in thecapitol2015-02-18 01:18 am
Entry tags:
every spark of friendship and love
Who| Karkat and Nill, then the Signless
What| Karkat finally revives after his canon update.
Where| Nill and the Signless's suites.
When| About a week after his death in the arena.
Warnings/Notes| Descriptions of death and violence, references to abuse, Karkat's filthy mouth.
Karkat's death had been sharp and violent, an end sudden despite the fight preceding, all too much more at once than he could fight off. Even with two knives there's only so much you can do against fangs that long, and less still once they're in your neck. And so he had died, throat torn out, swift and bloody and without a chance to see Nill safe.
And then he was back on LOFAF. Things were fine until they very suddenly weren't, with a call from Meenah heralding chaos and light and fire and hate. He saw the great red girth of his Empress's battleship, but even that took a backseat to Gamzee. Fucking Gamzee, covered in blood, beating Terezi to the same state. Kanaya had gone for him with her chainsaw, but after everything, every last betrayal and hurt that clown had caused, he wanted to--
And it was over. Sword through his chest, once, twice, and the heat of lava burning him to ashes before he could bleed out.
It took him a long time after he woke to even head up to his room. It's a long time still before he leaves it.
A) for Nill
There's one thing he has to deal with first, and that's Nill. She came to mind swiftly when he got to thinking about the arena again, and it didn't take much to find out she'd died right after him. He checked other names in the process, Dave and Terezi and even Initiate, but they're still going, still alive, and he doesn't yet know how he'll talk to them once it's over. But Nill--Nill if anyone knows his fears. She's the one he talked to about all this back during their first arena. And besides, he wants to see her okay again, not hungry or cold or having to fight, a point of stability against all the chaos in his head.
He heads up to District 9, hoping that he'll find her here first instead of the roof, that she's at least in the building instead of out for who knows what. He makes a beeline for her door and knocks clearly without saying anything.
B) for the Signless
It's later that night, after he's met with Nill, that he turns his attention anywhere else. What happened is distinctly a troll thing more than anything else, and with his teammates still in the arena, that leaves only his ancestor. It's not a last-ditch choice, not really. The Signless has been helpful, and wasn't it him who said he can't carry stuff alone? Even if his past self's moirallegiance with him is a done deal, and that's not what he seeks, he feels the need to talk it out with someone from his own culture. And even if the Signless is one who opposed it and tried to bring change... That perspective might be something he needs.
He finds his way up to 12's floor this time, and his knocks are soft as his voice when he asks through the door, "You there?"
What| Karkat finally revives after his canon update.
Where| Nill and the Signless's suites.
When| About a week after his death in the arena.
Warnings/Notes| Descriptions of death and violence, references to abuse, Karkat's filthy mouth.
Karkat's death had been sharp and violent, an end sudden despite the fight preceding, all too much more at once than he could fight off. Even with two knives there's only so much you can do against fangs that long, and less still once they're in your neck. And so he had died, throat torn out, swift and bloody and without a chance to see Nill safe.
And then he was back on LOFAF. Things were fine until they very suddenly weren't, with a call from Meenah heralding chaos and light and fire and hate. He saw the great red girth of his Empress's battleship, but even that took a backseat to Gamzee. Fucking Gamzee, covered in blood, beating Terezi to the same state. Kanaya had gone for him with her chainsaw, but after everything, every last betrayal and hurt that clown had caused, he wanted to--
And it was over. Sword through his chest, once, twice, and the heat of lava burning him to ashes before he could bleed out.
It took him a long time after he woke to even head up to his room. It's a long time still before he leaves it.
A) for Nill
There's one thing he has to deal with first, and that's Nill. She came to mind swiftly when he got to thinking about the arena again, and it didn't take much to find out she'd died right after him. He checked other names in the process, Dave and Terezi and even Initiate, but they're still going, still alive, and he doesn't yet know how he'll talk to them once it's over. But Nill--Nill if anyone knows his fears. She's the one he talked to about all this back during their first arena. And besides, he wants to see her okay again, not hungry or cold or having to fight, a point of stability against all the chaos in his head.
He heads up to District 9, hoping that he'll find her here first instead of the roof, that she's at least in the building instead of out for who knows what. He makes a beeline for her door and knocks clearly without saying anything.
B) for the Signless
It's later that night, after he's met with Nill, that he turns his attention anywhere else. What happened is distinctly a troll thing more than anything else, and with his teammates still in the arena, that leaves only his ancestor. It's not a last-ditch choice, not really. The Signless has been helpful, and wasn't it him who said he can't carry stuff alone? Even if his past self's moirallegiance with him is a done deal, and that's not what he seeks, he feels the need to talk it out with someone from his own culture. And even if the Signless is one who opposed it and tried to bring change... That perspective might be something he needs.
He finds his way up to 12's floor this time, and his knocks are soft as his voice when he asks through the door, "You there?"
no subject
He shifts a little so he can look at Karkat more fully (Mini-Crabdad chitters when he's disturbed).
"It's better to have tried, to have given help and support even if that effort didn't result in the best possible outcome, than to not have done anything at all. It's not as black and white as either complete success or utter failure."
no subject
"But everything keeps fucking up," he protests again. "Not just here, either. Back home--I'm doomed there, I can't go back--but if I had just done something different it wouldn't have happened that way. If I tried harder with Gamzee instead of letting him pull away, if I said something when I noticed him and Terezi instead of staying out of it... That whole trip was just one sinking pit of interpersonal chaos, and in the end when I felt like I had no choice but to kill him I couldn't even do that before I died."
He looks up at him, and there's something sharp and hurt in his eyes. "How was that worth anything in the end, Signless? Tell me that. My ugly shit clown moirail dumped me for his religion, I couldn't stop him from abusing my friend--I didn't even know the full extent of it until too late--and then I couldn't protect her at all! Yes, let's just celebrate how great that was!" The look has transmuted, hardening in the set of his eyes and the turn of his mouth, but the hurt is still there. "Karkat Vantas: Ultimate Failure! Half his team died, his best friend left him, his moirail dumped him, and he couldn't save anyone! Sounds like a party to me!!!"
no subject
"I never said that any of that was good," he points out. "It sounds like it was extremely painful, and I'm sorry that it's hurt you like this, but you also can't get hung up on what you didn't do. It won't help you, or them, and it won't change anything."
Miniature Crabdad, apparently agitated by Karkat's frustration, scuttles sideways and rubs up against his feet with a series of concerned chirps.
"I can't tell you whether or not it was worth anything, because I don't know. Maybe, like my own failure and death, it sets the stage for something much better in the future. Maybe it doesn't." He runs a hand through his messy hair, pushing his bangs back. The black lines of his tattoos stand out against his grey skin but for the first time he doesn't particularly notice them.
"I'm sorry. I don't know how to help you. If I could fix everything for you, tell you exactly what you need to hear to make it better, I would."
Which sounds kind of... romantic. Aw, shit, no. For once in his life he honestly doesn't feel pale attraction to someone and honestly just wants to offer them advice as a friend.
"... I don't mean that in a pale way. If this at any point gets too close to a feelings jam and you'd like me to back off, I will."
(1/2)
Oh, fuck.
He puts slaps his hand to his face. "No. No, that's not..."
Maybe he could use a moirail, with as much as he's gone through, and it hurts again in light of things with Gamzee. (He killed him.) The Signless isn't it, though, and he doesn't feel that way about him.
"I'm a moron and I don't know what I'm doing," he mutters, then drops his hand. "But that's not what I'm going for. You--you've..."
His brow creases even as he looks down at the tiny lusus at his feet.
(2/2)
"What the hell is with you and Roland?"
no subject
It doesn't stop him fidgeting just a tad awkwardly.
"We're quadrantmates but because he's a human and doesn't conceptualize romance as trolls do what we have is unconventional by troll standards."
no subject
(He must protect tiny crab from this romantic heathen.)
"Don't you give me that. He said you were flushed and pale, and when I kept questioning him about why and whether you were just letting him call it whatever, he acted like I was saying you lied to him or that you wanted him as his..." His face screws up. "Baby mamma? What the fuck is his culture, Signless?"
no subject
"But he isn't wrong. Originally our relationship was far more on the pale side of things, but flushed feelings crept their way in over time."
Okay. Here it goes.
"This isn't unusual for me. I often feel affection in multiple quadrants for one person, or for multiple people in the same quadrant. My first and longest-lasting relationship was one that blended elements of every quadrant. It's just how I care for people."
no subject
"Okay, but consider: is your pan rotted? That's not how romance works," he argues. "Unless it's a red-black flip which everyone knows is difficult but possible to sustain, you tell your various emotional organs to shut up and stop being stupid. You don't do red and pale, let alone blend them like a wiggler smearing dinner across his nutrition plateau. And what are you doing dragging a human into it? For the love of the Mother Grub's dusty memory, please tell me you haven't corrupted these humans here into thinking the quadrants work that way. You think I have the patience to straighten it out for all of them?"
no subject
"Are you really telling me that you believe red and pale can't coexist, as though wanting to emotionally support someone and be physically affectionate with them is an impossibility? Quadrants are a guideline, Karkat. They show ways it is possible to care for someone and give us words to put to those feelings, but they shouldn't be treated as law. I see red affection as an optional but fulfilling extension of the comfort and intimacy that is present in a pale relationship.
"I 'dragged' a human into it because for a very long time that human was one of the only people I could confide in and rely on. He kept me sane and steady through a very uncertain time in my life and I care for him a great deal. The fact that he's human and that our relationship is best described as a mix of two quadrants, or even as an aquadrant human form of affection, is not the point. I believe less strongly in arbitrary cultural divisions than I do in my own right to happiness, and if that offends you, you'll have to learn to deal with it."
no subject
"I have spent actual sweeps studying and devoting myself to the subject of proper romance, listening to friends vent their quadrant troubles to me and sorting their royally tangled shit out into something manageable. I've watched troll and human film, read their novels, observed and scrutinized it all for a full understanding, so don't give me this grey-aquadrant demi-pan-red pile of leavings, Kankri. It's not my fault you can't figure out how to settle down with your weird, ugly boyfriend!"
no subject
The slight edge to his voice has darkened, is dripping with venom. One of his greatest problems with Alternian culture, beyond its violence and divisiveness, is how it turned romance into a way to further divide people and enact a quiet genocide on those who didn't conform well enough.
"There is no such thing as proper romance. There is only people who care for each other and want to express that care in the way that works best for them. I am not mistaken, I am not mixed up, and on top of that I never asked you to attempt to police my love life. Why does it bother you so much?"
no subject
"That's not how it works." He's repeating himself, but he feels the need to when his ancestor clearly isn't
acquiescing to his stubborn opinionsunderstanding."Besides, literally everyone knows those expectations. It was an obligation for the sake of continuing the species, and anyone who couldn't contribute by following clearly defined and express laws was only culled for their own fault in not complying, either by being a defiant rotpan or an emotionally incompetent genetic dud. You find a matesprit, you find a kismesis, you contribute as is a proper troll's duty, and you make the species stronger." The edge of his hand hits his opposite palm as he finishes out, punctuating each word. "Just because you would have been culled for trying doesn't mean the base system had no value, so don't mix up your ideals with it just because you can't sort your feelings like a proper troll!"
no subject
"Romance should not be something primarily motivated by fear. Fear of being culled, fear of being the only troll who isn't touched by serendipity." The way he says that word shows exactly how much contempt he has for that particular concept.
"It isn't right that young trolls should seek out relationships because they are afraid of retribution or being seen as 'deficient' rather than simply because they want companionship and support, or advice, or a reason to be stronger, or someone else to tell them when to step back. I don't know how you can be so deeply invested in a system that is so harmful. If there were more freedom and less fear of death for not jumping through all of the correct hoops, perhaps trolls as whole would approach romance not with a sense of resigned duty but with excitement. Do you know why all of your friends had so many romantic issues? Because the system itself is flawed."
He gives Karkat a very level look.
"You keep saying 'everyone knows' and 'everyone thinks', but I think you're just scrambling to justify your own insecurity and bias. The way I conduct my romantic affairs hurts no one, least of all you. Next you'll be mad at me for not using buckets, even though there wasn't any reason for me to do so on Alternia and there isn't any here either."
no subject
Scuttle--shuffle--THUMP, and Karkat falls off the bed in his haste to get away from him. "YOU WHAT?"
Tiny Crabdad screes his offense, and Karkat interrupts his own only to hiss and swat away his nipping pincers as he clambers back to his feet.
"What do you mean you don't--you just--without--inside--"
His back hits a wall. By now his face is an impressive shade of cherry.
"You pervert!" He jabs a finger out at him, warding and accusative. "You sick fucking pervert! You blend concupiscent and conciliatory and you don't even use a fucking pail?! You're disgusting, oh my god!"
no subject
"If you say so. And yet, it still isn't hurting anyone. I still don't see what the problem is."
no subject
He frowns hard.
"It's not fair!"
Finally the pointing stops, but his hands soon fall into their bevy of gestures and motions as he goes on.
"How come you get to be this quadrant-defying, pailless weirdo and get people who go along with it? Multiple people?"
no subject
"I'm just up-front about my feelings and how I express them. People go along with it, I would assume, because I'm honest and base my relationships upon mutual care and trust rather than social obligation."
Tiny Crabdad noses into his lap and hisses in a way that is probably meant to be affectionate. Probably.
"No one is stopping you from having the same freedom except yourself, Karkat." His voice turns gentle. "It isn't a bad thing to want that."
no subject
That first part made sense (in a way that's completely stupid and he wants to yell at), but the second came around and hit him like a slap to the face. His blush gets another boost, spreading to burn his neck and the tips of his ears.
"What are you talking about? I never said--" A nervous laugh slips out of him. "Very fucking funny, Signless. Wow, let's go find the Gamemakers to bump your score, because that was one giant leap to make! Is that--is that your talent? Quadrant blurring and empty, blind, totally baseless accusations?"
He might be trying to back through the wall again.
no subject
He scratches Mini-Crabdad absently under one of his head ridges, which prompts a fresh series of chitters.
"But if I do leave you alone about this, will you leave me alone about my horrible, perverted lifestyle?"
no subject
His hand is flailing behind and to the side, and--there--finally finds the doorknob.
"I'm leaving."
He lets it sit a second, then turns and slips through the door. He's going to... going to... he doesn't know what, but something that isn't here.