City never sleeps so I guess I never slept on.

[shenunigans]

Who| Dave and Feferi, Gary, Clara and Steve.
What| Punchy is "dead", Dave needs to deal with it.
Where| D9, D11
When| Spanning over the week after the Panem Nightly post.
Warnings/Notes| Talkin' about murder.

It's hard to process real death after being surrounded by fake death for so long. It's like switching from lite milk to full cream, because it's doing something to his stomach. But then, processing infers some level of understanding or acceptance. Dave didn't talk to anyone when the cheery presenters woefully announced that his friend was dead. It's not the first time he's disappeared, it's not the first time anyone's disappeared, but it's different this time.

They're just lying. They're probably lying. There's no reason to believe them, but there's no reason not to, either. Punchy is gone, he isn't in his room and he isn't staggering back into the commons no matter how long Dave sits around on the couches and pretends the News got it wrong.

It shouldn't be this hard anymore, but it feels like there's a vice around his chest when he thinks about it. There's sad irony in the fact that the guy reminded him so vividly of his Bro, then they got close, then he died. It's hilarious, really, that all of his foundations are starting to crumble slowly or very rapidly and he doesn't know how to handle it anymore.

Maybe he owes it to Punchy to feel something, or show something, but it's easier to be mindless and numb about all of this. He doesn't drink or party, he just deals with it. He's either sleeping all day or awake all hours and when anyone sees him, he's fronting. Trying too hard to be over it too fast.

Comments

[seestheman]

Even if being a mentor sucks and it hurts to sit on the sidelines and watch your friends fight to the death, Clara would still give anything to swap her and Dave's place to get him out. It's selfish, of course, because she doesn't want to see Dave (or anyone else, if she can help it) die again and can't help but think that things were just so much easier when she was fighting for her life.

Clara's familiar with that quiet. It's like the way it felt in the days following the bombing, or the way it felt when she walked into her parents house for the first time after her father died. Not that she's going to say that out loud because Dave doesn't need to hear about that right now (or ever, really). "I know," she says softly, trying to figure out what else to say. As if out of instinct, she reaches out and rubs his back, trying not to think about the fact that she did something like this was with David after one of his nightmares. "You get used to the quiet, eventually. Or find something else to focus on to fill the void."

[shenunigans]

When Bro died, there wasn't time for quiet. Except maybe for the time Dave spent waffling around his body. At least he saw a body, there's no denial to be had when you see the evidence of everything laid out all cold and lifeless in front of you. He feels so fucked with that he can hardly bare it anymore, like this is some experiment building up to an inevitable breakdown.

He doesn't want to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing him snap or break, but it's almost like the sincere comfort is making him sadder than trying to bury his feelings. The hand on his back is warm and it feels good, but it makes his stomach twist something awful. Then he's like a rag being wrung out, because it's enough to squeeze a few tears from his eyes. His hands dart to his face, like he's trying to cover a sneeze and he thinks he's being sneaky, but if he doesn't answer he'll be more suspicious.

"Yeah." He answers and his voice betrays him with a shudder that he swallows down. "Shit happens. We weren't that close." It feels disrespectful to Punchy, but the denial is so much sweeter than the reality of being sincerely hurt.

[seestheman]

Clara knows a lot of the tricks to hide the fact that someone's crying. Hell, she's perfected put them into practice at home so David, or her mother, or Jack, or any well wishers who tried to comfort her, or any of the cameras that began to hound her and her son wouldn't see her at her most vulnerable. She understands that Dave feels like he needs to hide his sorrow.

Instead, she chooses not to let him. She can't be sure if it's out of a maternal fear that he'll drown in his hurt or that she's hurting too and just wants to cling to someone who understands, but she gently pulls him off of the chair's arm into her lap before she reaches out to cup his cheek with her flesh and blood hand. She looks on the verge of crying, as much as she doesn't want to do so in front of him.

"We both know that isn't true. There's no shame in mourning a loss," she says as she gently rubs at his cheek with her fingers. "You shouldn't hide from these things, it'll only make it hurt more."

[shenunigans]

Dave should have expected Clara would clue in, just like he should have expected the affection that followed. He can't help tensing and then squirming when she pulls him into her lap like an overgrown baby. In all honesty, he's about to get snippy like any self respecting teen boy would in the face of coddling, but the hand on his face makes him think otherwise.

He studies her face for a long moment, brows furrowed with indignation and a stubborn refusal to let himself fall into overt misery yet again. "It's no worse than any of the shit that's gone down here." He argues, trying to re-approach as blasé before thinking better of it.

"I didn't cry when my Bro kicked the bucket." He points out, making his point slowly. "And now he's here. So how am I meant to believe he's gone for good when people keep coming back and forth like Death's revolving door is broken?" He sounds a little desperate, like he's hoping she'll have some wise, motherly answer in there that will explain away the confusion and the hurt.

[seestheman]

If this were a normal situation, she'd probably tease him about letting her hold him in her lap like this. But this isn't a normal situation and she needs the comfort as much as he does right now. Having him in her lap reminds her of the days following the bombing in some ways, how she and David just curled up and clung to each other because everything was uncertain and neither of them could bare to see the burn marks on the driveway and garage door (and other things that she wasn't sure what they were exactly and she was afraid to find out).

Not that she'd tell Dave any of that.

"Do you really think they'd bring him back?" She can't help but sound a little incredulous. It's a terrible thought but, even though she doesn't believe the rebellion really had a hand in Punchy's death, she has to admit it probably looks great for the Capitol to have one of their latest Victors as a martyr. Except she knows if she said any of that aloud she'd probably be hauled away and executed herself. "I don't think they'd bring him back just to be a Mentor. And it would probably look really shitty for them to bring him back just to fight in the Arena again." That sounds far less suspicious.

[shenunigans]

This is a pretty delicate moment for Dave, even if he'd never say so. It doesn't remind him of anything, because he has nothing to relate it to. His live was pretty devoid of tragedy until Bro died, and then he had nothing tangible to reach out to. He had Terezi watching over him, but no physical comfort or quiet moments of mutual understanding and sadness. As ever, Clara is bringing something new to the table that he doesn't have the heart to say no to.

And yet, her incredulous tone makes him angry. Not at her, not necessarily, but something in him flares nonetheless. He can feel the stories he's selling himself get wrenched from his grip and he knows he needs to let them go, but he's stubborn and it's hard when he has no reason to believe anything.

"So he's dead then. Forever." He sounds a little snippy, but he tries to reign himself in a little. "Maybe it's better that way. No bullshit to deal with." He can't think why it wouldn't be, but it still sucks to say it.

[seestheman]

Clara knows what it's like to desperately hold onto a story that she's forced herself to believe to help get rid of the dread and the hurt. She wishes she could do that right now, but she can't. There's no chance she'd be able to force herself to believe that the Capitol would bring him back.

She doesn't say anything at first. It's not out of shock from his anger or anything. Anger at the situation is normal and healthy, but she still tries not to feel like he's directing it at her for dashing his hopes (and even then, she can't help but feel like he is).

"I think so," she finally says softly. "Even if it might be better for him that way, it...it's still okay to mourn and be hurt by it. This is normal, especially considering how he died." Even though she still has serious doubts about who really killed him.

[shenunigans]

"Normal." He repeats, and he resists the urge to snort. He takes a moment to reflect on what she says, and it's hard to ask why they should bother mourning at this point and what makes it different from all the other people dying all the time. Fortunately, Dave is pretty good at muffling his defeatist, bitter attitude when he's not text walling at someone he isn't sitting on.

Which, uh. Reminds him that he's sitting on Clara's lap like an overgrown infant. He wiggles himself off her, moving to stand awkwardly to the side before he starts to amble toward the fridge. "Guess we have a wildly inappropriate funeral to look forward to, then." He sounds tired, like he's phoning in the joke for the sake of it before opening the fridge. "You want something? Juice? ..Juice?"

[seestheman]

"Yeah," she says, giving him a sad, little smile. "Just because it sucks doesn't mean that it isn't normal." Which probably sounds much more defeatist than she wants, but it's the truth.

Clara can't ignore that little feeling of disappointment that shoots through her when Dave climbs off of her lap. Sure, he's bigger and older than David, but it almost felt like one of the more painful parts of the new version of normal that she had found at home since the bombing. She powers through it, trying to quash it as she stands up as well. "And sadly I doubt it'll be the type wildly inappropriate that he'd want," she says, imagining for just a moment what a Punchy-planned funeral would be like. "Juice sounds good."

[shenunigans]

It feels pretty cold on the outside, but Dave definitely wouldn't be able to initiate another hug if he tried. He's bad enough at this as it is, he's just not used to hugs and tears when things go bad. He's only at the beginning of realising Bro probably didn't raise him right, and it feels like blaming and a burden to try get into those thoughts when he's already dealing with copious amounts of shit.

"Feeling crap is pretty much par for the course here anyway." He admits, stepping back to pull some juice out of the fridge. Going through the motions of setting out two glasses, filling them and putting the bottle away is comforting, like he can pretend this is normal until he pulls himself back up onto the arm of her chair and offers her the glass.

It's hard not to see the tiredness and the sadness practically coded into her expression. He opens his mouth to say something, but it dies in his throat and comes out as a sigh instead. "Do you think they'll ever tell us who did it?" He asks finally, part out of sincere interest and part just so there's talking.

[seestheman]

There are a lot of things Clara could say about the way Bro raised him, most of them uncharitable. The only reason she could never see herself being able to bring them up is because Dave doesn't need to hear her disparage the closest thing he had to a parental figure growing up.

She takes the glass, watching the condensation form on it as she holds onto it as she struggles to figure out what to say. Instead of speaking, at first, she leans over slightly and rests her head against his arm. Clara's pretty sure that, if she gave him an honest answer, she'd probably be carted away and Avoxed. Hell, Dave probably would be too. Instead, she looks up at him, resting the bottom of her glass against her knee and feeling the coolness soak down. "Maybe it's one of those things that we don't want to know," she says softly.

[shenunigans]

As it is, Clara barely needs to tell him it's weird. It's just in her actions and her words and the way it seems so normal that he's started to clue into the fact that there's something integral missing from his life. The idea that she's as vulnerable as Punchy occurs to him, particularly when he realises he won't be around to protect her all the time. It makes fear niggle deep in his gut, so much so that he gladly lets her rest her head on his arm.

"Maybe." He answers, voice a little softer than it usually is. It's stripped of all sarcasm and replaced with sincerity and fear that he wants to deny. He struggles with it for a moment, but he leans back a little more so their heads are closer and he can pipe up again. "You'll be careful, right?" He knows he doesn't need to ask, but he feels the need to all the same.

[seestheman]

If Clara knew how much Dave noticed her reactions to how Bro raised him...alright, she probably wouldn't change much, if she's going to be totally honest, but she'd feel guilty for accidentally cluing him in on how bizarre his upbringing really was. But doesn't. What she does know is that Dave's opening himself up to her in this moment and she's going to pounce on the opportunity and keep her head where it is.

It's weird to hear Dave sound this vulnerable and makes her want to pull him close and hold him tight and make sure he stays safe, except she's pretty sure he wouldn't be so down for that. Instead she just nods and grabs his hand, squeezing it lightly. "I promise. Really, I'm more worried about you," she says, trying to hide the fact that she's scared shitless that something's going to happen to him (to any of the kids really) and that there's nothing she'll be able to do to stop it. "Promise me you won't put yourself in any unnecessary danger."