Twenty five, don't recall a time I felt this alive (open)

[tookthewheel]

Who| MCU!Bucky Barnes and YOU
What| Bucky's back in the Capitol and dealing with things
Where| Anywhere around the Tribute Center, specify the location of your choice
When| After arena 12 goes boom
Warnings/Notes| The usual with this guy

Waking up was easier this time.

Maybe it's because he'd accepted and waited for death to come rather than fighting against it as he had before, with the same resignation and understanding of what was going to happen that had made it easier to go into the ice when his missions were done. He can count it as a bonus that waking up in a warm bed was far more pleasant than from the cryostasis tank.

Bucky gets up calmly but still with the feeling something is wrong, more than just how weak his limbs feel again after living a month with his full strength back. A feeling that persists as he heads for the shower first, then irritably shaves off the beard he always wakes up with and is coming to loathe, discovering at the same time that the brand has now gone from his cheek. Venturing into the kitchen area yields leftover casserole from the fridge which he wolfs down quickly before heading out of District 1 with Toro the tribble safely in his pocket. He needs to see his friends, check for himself that they're still here and make sure no more of them have vanished like the first Widow did.

He goes down to District 9 first, then down to the common area to start working his way upwards, choosing to take the stairs rather than the elevator as he moves through the training and district levels before finally emerging up onto the roof. There he habitually heads for his favourite spot to try and let the cold winter air blow out the still persistent cobwebs in his head.

Comments

[tookthewheel]

She's struck the nail on the head unknowingly. Bucky went into arena's with a simple goal of keeping Steve alive so that he could win, so that he could get out of the arena's and not have to die anymore. He's fighting a losing battle every time, though, whether he realises it or not.

Protecting Steve was one of the things he was certain that he should do.

"I was told it might help me remember more things to do it." he says and then realises as he reads the paper that Nill doesn't know about his memory problems. Now he has to explain it to her, which is never easy for him to do.

Bucky picks up his coffee cup and takes a swallow before he doing so, like a man downing alcohol to give him bravery. "Before I came here I was," owned by "with a group. They would wipe my memory after every mission I did for them." he looks up at her, eyes intent but unfocused on the present, caught up in what was the still recent past. "I don't remember most of my life."

[reassures]

For someone that doesn't actually know Bucky or his circumstances terribly well, there's probably a lot more understanding in her expression than there should be. And though Nill certainly didn't know any of this, it's not surprising, either. On the contrary, it offers explanation for many of the things she had wondered about Bucky and what caused his particular brand of brokenness. The fact that he's still going is amazing. If it were Nill, she doesn't think she would be capable of it; she's enough of a basket case just with the handful of things she can't remember.

The hesitation before she actually manages to write is obvious, but it comes easier after the first sentence.

the next time there's an arena like the last one I may be able to help you if you can find me.

There's a fine line in what she wants tributes to know and what she doesn't want the Capitol knowing. While she knows at this point preventing them from this knowledge is unavoidable, she wants to keep it as vague as possible. Whatever doubt that can be painted will only help her. But hopefully if he understands that she might be able to do something in a powered Arena, then... maybe she could actually do something for him.

I smoke on the roof most nights. if you're awake you can join me.

While she enjoys what company she's accustomed to in the late evenings/early mornings, if additional company can be helpful to someone then she'll never turn it away.

[tookthewheel]

He doesn't understand that kinship in her expression. Bucky still has problems reading people something, or processing where those thoughts and feelings come from. Most people he's grown close to have taken a lot of work to get through to him, to the point he can forge a connection that makes him understand. There's something in Nill's face and he tries to read her expression, wondering what is behind it.

"You mean..." he thinks for a moment, what about the last arena was and what part of it could be repeated. Then he has it, powers. The fact Nill is being vague about what she has that can help him also makes him quickly catch on that it's not something she wants widely known, not to the Capitol at any rate. If she told him it here they would know, they would see what she wrote on their camera's.

Without being able to ask for clarification Bucky realises he is going to have to decide whether to believe her or not on faith alone. Nill has not been unkind to him before, he has no logical reason (beyond the fact that the arena can only allow one winner) to doubt her, yet.

If there is a chance, a real chance that she could help him with his memory, then shouldn't he try? It would be better to take a risk than live with the gaping holes in his own head, knowing there was a possibility to fix it that he was too afraid to take. He finds himself nodding, telling himself there was time yet for him to consider doing it because who knew how long it would be before the Capitol allowed them their powers again.

"I'll remember." he says, "Both. Thank you." Bucky doesn't sleep much so the chances of him being awake are optimal. "It's... it's kind of you to offer."

[reassures]

When Bucky is wise enough to not address that entirely out loud, Nill tilts her head slightly, a small smile on her face. He catches on without too much effort thankfully, and the ability to piece those things together as far as she can tell is probably an improvement for him to some extent. The Capitol had to know about her illusions, or at least think she was capable of hiding herself from others, and the telepathy had been obvious in the Arena. What wasn't obvious was the extent to what she could do, and she'd like to make sure the Capitol remains relatively unaware of that.

you're welcome.
did you still want to try a cigarette now?

[tookthewheel]

"Not now." he shakes his head, shoving the rest of the cookies in his hand into his mouth and chewing them with relish. They really are good. "Another time, thank you."

He feels okay but he wants to see Steve, first and foremost, before anything else. Smoking was prohibited within the building (and he wasn't sure how strictly that rule was enforced).

After he licks the crumbs from his fingers he finishes his coffee as well, "I'm going to wait in Steve's room." as he says it he tries to soften his expression, to assure Nill it's nothing she's done, only that he wants to be alone in a familiar space to think things over.

[reassures]

Nothing about her expression or posture indicate that Nill takes the preference of an empty room over her company as a slight. Her smile is as gentle as ever, and she slides the plate closer to him, already writing a response.

you can take them with you would like.
I should be here a little while longer. let me know if you want anything.

[tookthewheel]

He looks down at the plate, at her words and then slowly nods, even relaxes just a fraction at the show of kindness from this woman. Some people seem to show kindness so easily, as if it is natural as breathing, even to those they don't really know.

"Thank you." Bucky picks up the plate and stands, heading through the common area to the personal quarters and Steve's room.