Bucky Barnes ☆ 32557038 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tookthewheel) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thecapitol2015-01-04 02:44 pm
tookthewheel) wrote in thecapitol2015-01-04 02:44 pm
Entry tags:
Twenty five, don't recall a time I felt this alive (open)
Who| MCU!Bucky Barnes and YOU
What| Bucky's back in the Capitol and dealing with things
Where| Anywhere around the Tribute Center, specify the location of your choice
When| After arena 12 goes boom
Warnings/Notes| The usual with this guy
Waking up was easier this time.
Maybe it's because he'd accepted and waited for death to come rather than fighting against it as he had before, with the same resignation and understanding of what was going to happen that had made it easier to go into the ice when his missions were done. He can count it as a bonus that waking up in a warm bed was far more pleasant than from the cryostasis tank.
Bucky gets up calmly but still with the feeling something is wrong, more than just how weak his limbs feel again after living a month with his full strength back. A feeling that persists as he heads for the shower first, then irritably shaves off the beard he always wakes up with and is coming to loathe, discovering at the same time that the brand has now gone from his cheek. Venturing into the kitchen area yields leftover casserole from the fridge which he wolfs down quickly before heading out of District 1 with Toro the tribble safely in his pocket. He needs to see his friends, check for himself that they're still here and make sure no more of them have vanished like the first Widow did.
He goes down to District 9 first, then down to the common area to start working his way upwards, choosing to take the stairs rather than the elevator as he moves through the training and district levels before finally emerging up onto the roof. There he habitually heads for his favourite spot to try and let the cold winter air blow out the still persistent cobwebs in his head.
What| Bucky's back in the Capitol and dealing with things
Where| Anywhere around the Tribute Center, specify the location of your choice
When| After arena 12 goes boom
Warnings/Notes| The usual with this guy
Waking up was easier this time.
Maybe it's because he'd accepted and waited for death to come rather than fighting against it as he had before, with the same resignation and understanding of what was going to happen that had made it easier to go into the ice when his missions were done. He can count it as a bonus that waking up in a warm bed was far more pleasant than from the cryostasis tank.
Bucky gets up calmly but still with the feeling something is wrong, more than just how weak his limbs feel again after living a month with his full strength back. A feeling that persists as he heads for the shower first, then irritably shaves off the beard he always wakes up with and is coming to loathe, discovering at the same time that the brand has now gone from his cheek. Venturing into the kitchen area yields leftover casserole from the fridge which he wolfs down quickly before heading out of District 1 with Toro the tribble safely in his pocket. He needs to see his friends, check for himself that they're still here and make sure no more of them have vanished like the first Widow did.
He goes down to District 9 first, then down to the common area to start working his way upwards, choosing to take the stairs rather than the elevator as he moves through the training and district levels before finally emerging up onto the roof. There he habitually heads for his favourite spot to try and let the cold winter air blow out the still persistent cobwebs in his head.
no subject
If he can't get hold of himself he'll go into a panic attack, another one and he has to breathe, just breathe. He thinks about the counting exercises that Sam taught him, tries to go over them in his head until he feels solid hands on his shoulders and looks up to remember that Jet is still there. Bucky's still breathing too fast and too shallow but he's got it in hand, for now.
"How do I... how do I remember?" he asks in a cracked voice, angry and confused at how little sense it all makes. "They won't let me, they never let me."
It's not clear who he's referring to, the Capitol or Hydra, in that instance. The two clash inside his head, reflections of the other.
no subject
"Bucky...breathe, you're going to be okay. Listen. You will remember, it'll come back, you just...you just need time and to have patience to take that time. It's not gone forever."
He paused a moment, his hands tightening on Bucky's arms a second, but slowly he moved them up to cup behind Bucky's head as though to cradle it as Jet's eyes tried to lock with his friend's. "We will stop them. We will make them let you and I'll fight until you can have that, okay? I won't let them hurt you forever." Maybe not tomorrow or even in a month, Bucky would probably have to suffer through this too many times before it could happen, but it would happen. Jet just hoped Bucky could wait however long it tool.
no subject
It's so hard to believe Jet when he says that. Bucky has been here since June and while some days he feels like he's come far, others he feels like he's barely progressed at all. If they dragged him back to the chair right now would it be so hard to create their Asset again?
No, he doesn't want to think like that, he can't think like that. He told himself he wouldn't be anyone's slave again. There are memories of the past and then there are the memories he has of here, all things he didn't possess before.
Hands on the back of his head pull him to the present and out of his own downward spiral. "Jet," he's heard anyone else sounds so much like Steve before, it actually staggers him that someone else would be so invested in helping him that way. "I don't... How can you be sure?"
no subject
"I'm sure because I'll keep fighting even if you stop, but if you fight with me and keep your head up out of that water, we'll make it work. You've got those pieces and I'm sure it's gotta hurt like hell, but you've got the now too and if you hold onto that, the pieces will grow and grow until you can put them back into a whole and I know you've got people willing to help you with that...I'm just letting you know I'm one of them.
"What're you afraid of? What's the worst thing you can imagine? I want to know so I can make sure it doesn't come true."
no subject
He can't help it, he has to voice it, "You sound like Steve." it's a compliment, by Bucky's standards, a high one. He's trying to believe, he is, because the other option is far worse. "I... I know."
He has Steve, Jet, Sam, Aang and more. Listing the names helps, remembrance that there are people out there who don't think he's broken beyond repair. That he still has a chance to be a person, even if it wasn't the one he used to be before.
The worst thing he can imagine? That's... that's a number of possibilities that he has to single down into just one. Slipping back into the Asset, hurting or killing someone he cared for, being put back in the ice. They're all things that could stem from single action though, one lead up to turn him back in the cold, unfeeling assassin that he had been.
"They'll wipe me, I'll lose everything again. Then they'll use me to kill again."
no subject
When he speaks up again and finally answers Jet's question, Jet's eyes are back on Bucky and his hands are still laced behind the other man's head and Jet's tone -full of stubborn determination and a fire that was still fueled by anger, as it usually was, but this time had the extra kindling of a protectiveness for the man in front of him- was altogether made of iron. It fortified his words with the sheer belief he had in them.
"Alright. I won't let them. That will never happen to you again, Bucky, me and everyone else who's here for you, who believes in you, won't let it. Got it?"
no subject
You can't stop them. his mind whispers traitorously, pointing out in Bucky's minds eye how powerless they all are here, toeing a line to pretend to have what little freedom they can. One wrong move and the Capitol can whatever they want with them, shattering whatever fragile protection their celebrity status affords. They want their citizens happy but not at the expense of their control.
He wants to believe Jet, he wants so badly to believe. "I... I got it." he repeats. The programming had broken before, if they redid it it could happen again, right? HYDRA had to wipe him over and over because if they didn't he'd come back.
Bucky starts to calm, grounded by touch and voice, his breathing slowing. "Shit..." he mumbles, mostly at himself.
no subject
He was smiling, but he was partly serious. He'd meant every word and he knew he wasn't the only one who felt like that, so with so many of them there to protect and watch out for Bucky, surely one of them would succeed. The Capitol may be stronger than them, but that wouldn't scare him off from protecting his family.
no subject
He'd make a pretty terrible one, as a matter of fact. But the message comes through loud and clear, he has people on his side, one's that he can trust. "Thank you, Jet."
For his words, his promise and for calming Bucky down in the first place. He still doesn't feel right but he's now safe from having a complete meltdown on the roof.
no subject
It was all good enough for now, he could tell nothing had been fixed or resolved, but it had been temporarily soothed and that was the best they could hope for right now. The fix would have to be later. The thanks pulls Jet's eyes down to his hands, emotions running a bit too high to look the other man in the face even as he gave a half-smile born of affection and embarrassment.
"You don't need to go and thank me at all-" a shrug. "-it's just what you do when your teammate needs you." One hand moved up to run through his hair, a nervous tick as the words he was actually trying to say finally wormed their way out. "It's what you do when you're family's in trouble: you help 'em any way you can." Otherwise you didn't deserve to have them. He didn't really know whether Bucky'd get the sentiment the way it was meant as opposed to the literal, but it didn't really matter. It wouldn't stop it from being true.
no subject
He breathes a little easier as Jet lets go of him, subtly moving his limbs and registering the control he has over his own body. There's no disconnect, no complete helplessness even if his tortured mind is still broken. All he feels is suddenly tired.
Bucky slips his hand into his pocket and finds the warm fur of his tribble there. It helps.
Seeing Jet become self-conscious in light of Bucky's thanks is unexpected but Bucky doesn't say anything about it, waiting for Jet to work his way through what he wanted to say. He disagrees, thinking he does need to thank Jet, who has been willing to help Bucky since the beginning when he was the Soldier than anything and would've killed Jet in their first meeting if he hadn't been injured. He guesses he ought to be thankful for the other Bucky getting the better of him back then.
"I... I understand." he does, he thinks if the situation were reversed he would try to do the same for Jet now, as he would for Steve or the other few people he now considers friends.
no subject
"You gonna hang around out here some more or you wanna head in and raid the downstairs kitchens?" More distraction, more normalcy (as much as they could get) it was the best they could do for the moment. "'course, if you plan on sticking around outside all alone, I'll just have to stick around with you. Well, unless you really don't want me too or something."
no subject
"Food. Food sounds good." he nods slowly. Either way he's fine with jet continuing to keep him company if the other cyborg is willing.
no subject
"Can't really cook -not without killing something or setting the place on fire- but I'm sure we can hunt something down." Maybe even dessert, this seemed like a situation where sugar could only help.