thecapitol | I made a wreck of my hand, I put it through the wall

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I made a wreck of my hand, I put it through the wall

With the plan of going to visit Terezi in the hospital now long discarded, Nill and the Initiate go from the first floor on, far from Karkat. Hopefully. Mirth, he hadn't any idea what floor the fucker was on. It might be his. That would be terrible. It was bad enough that running into him now either way would be all too easy.

Later, he decides. He can worry about that later.

For now, he was all about leading Nill along. She had asked to go to a room with him, but hadn't specified whose. He hopes that his will do. He checks back every so often to be sure, right up until they're at his door.

His room is not what it used to be. Any of the remaining marks of paint (and his own blood) are dried and faded, like they'd been done long ago with no new addition and even futile scrubbed at a little. There aren't so many scratches upon the wall and the place is all too neat. Even the pile that has been made on the floor looks like it was prodded and poked at, to make the neatest possible pile as could be made.

The closest thing to a mess there are the bowls of water set around the room, for seemingly no purpose-- it wasn't as though the Tribute tower leaked. On a shelf, sit bones, all set out in organized sections. There are rat bones, the bones of mice, birds, the feathers left behind from them. Still beside them are small bowls of paint. The Indigo looks a little less like paint than the others.

He invites her in so that she may sit on the edge of his stripped down bed, or otherwise roam the room.

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Any time the Initiate looks back at Nill her expression is calm and patient, if a little bit strained around the edges. It's not that she's upset, but a haze of concern seems to hover over her, only easing as they get further away from Karkat and the anger seems to leak out of him, even just a little.

See, thing is, Nill has been around a lot of people. She's known almost every type of person imaginable, even in passing, from the kind who love everyone around them until it does them in to the kind that torture people and enjoy it. She's been around people with intent to harm or worse, and when you're exposed to so many different kinds of people, you start to pick up on some things about them that aren't always obvious to others. And Nill is pretty sure that if she hadn't intervened, there was a chance Karkat might not have walked out of the tower. It's the furthest thing from her mind to judge the Initiate for that, but she can't help but be worried about what Karkat must have said to set him off so badly.

It's more out of habit that Nill toes off her shoes when she steps inside the Initiate's room, and she's not a terribly nosy person, but as she's doing so her eyes end up going over the room, and immediately sticking when she spots the bones. It's not what she was expecting to see in someone's bedroom, but the Initiate did wear facepaint that looked like bones. Maybe she shouldn't be surprised.

She brushes it off and quickly turns her attention towards him, the smile gone again, replaced with obvious concern. She extends a hand towards him slightly before thinking better of it, instead using them to sign at him.

Better? What happened?

Now that they aren't in quite such a dire situation, he might notice that there are a couple bandages on her fingers and palms, but it doesn't seem to be impeding her ability to mime things.

It’s not a habit he can say he’s familiar with, seeing her kick off her shoes. He assumes it’s simply because she doesn’t like shoes, and really, he’s ambivalent on most days (and they days he’s not make him feel strange because all he can think of his alternate).

The reaching of her hand gets more surprise, and then some when he notices the bandages. He almost thinks to reach out, grasp them, and ask her what happened. But that would be bringing alterance to the topic at hand and so his concern is little more than fleeting change of expression.

Not that he ain’t tempted by that. Having to face her unhappiness feels far worse. He wonders if she’s disappointed in him. Ashamed of him. When did he fucking care about such things, he thinks to himself despite knowing the answer.

He sighs and seems all to deflate. He signs a sorry and begins to speak all the while.

“THE VANTAS HAPPEND," He says. "We... we ain’t apt to getting on, aight? Was one of the first I GOT MEETING HERE AND I AIN’T NEVER FOUND IN ME THE TIME OF DAY FOR THAT MOTHERFUCKER’S BURNING LOADS HOOFBEASTSHIT. He’s a treacherous little wretch what ain’t deserve the favors as all he gains. THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME HE’S MADE MOCKERY OF ME AND MINE AND YOU KNOW THE FUCK WHAT? Was glad to see him go. WAS BETTER THE FUCK OFF. Yet here he be returned as all for thinking he can dare motherfucking command me! I AM NOT HIS SERVANT, I AM NOT ANYONE’S PET BARKBEAST! I swore to Terezi I’d not hurt him but I can’t motherfucking stand--!” He cuts himself off right there. He's making hand gesture to strangle without even all realizing. He groans miserably and runs a hand through his hair.

Nill listens, quiet and patient, and if nothing else it certainly seems like she understands. Karkat had this really awful habit of never backing down, and never knowing when to stop talking, and it's a really unfortunate combo when he needs to deal with people who don't like them. This probably isn't the first time someone's wanted to throttle him for it.

Carefully she signs, because she doesn't want to turn her attention from him for the length of time it would take to writing something, He's difficult. Never quiet.

While she liked Karkat quite a bit, he wasn't everyone's cup of tea. She suspected that you needed to have pretty tough skin to deal with him most of the time.

But something about what he says cranks up the concern by volumes, and it shows. The wording, the tone; it's not quite right. Not a pet. Not a servant. And she had seen bits and pieces of the Arena from before she arrived, which involved a lot of skipping, but she thinks she remembers seeing him, and thinking something seemed off, but you could only guess so much from rapidly moving video. Now though...

She still doesn't really want to, but there's no way to sign something like this, so she finally pulls her notepad out again.

he never knows when to stop. I'll talk to him later.
are you ok?
can I do anything?
the peacekeepers could have taken you away.

As she holds it up for him to see, her other hand is extended slightly again, hovering near his, not touching but near. She won't touch him without permission, but god. They could have taken him away. Especially if her suspicions are correct, they wouldn't have any issue with taking in a repeat offender.

He's surprised, truth told, to find her looking so understanding. She's been kind to him every time before, but this is just one of the things what he gets assumption no one's going to be on his side on. People liked Karkat, for some reason. He's never known why, but he's certainly seen others unhappy that he ain't so fond.

Difficult. Never quiet. Yeah, that's about right.

He's still not sure why-- if he's even being right for thinking it-- Nill's even on his own side though. It made sense, in some lingering backwards way, that motherfuckers would be being on Karkat's.

the peacekeepers could have taken you away. His eyes close, squeezing shut tight. "I KNOW." He knows all too goddamn well. "Thank you. FOR SHOWING UP." Before he fucked it all up for his ownself. At least last time had been for something (someone) worthwhile.

His eyes open and he sees her hand there. Slowly, he raises his own clawed hand up. He lets it settle into hers, loose, but hanging on.

"Can't think on anything none in particular. FINE NOW. Won't be taken on by surprise none again." He hopes.

It's not for the best of reasons. She knows that technically speaking, the Initiate was the one in the wrong with this whole thing. That it might have been started (intentionally or otherwise) by Karkat and his dumb mouth, but the Initiate was the one to react worse. Karkat's got a mighty bark going for him but his bite is about as nubby as his horns are.

Despite that Nill's pretty sure between the two of them the Initiate was the one that walked away from that more shaken. And he's one of the main reasons she's been able to get by here as well as she has, even if she's barely been here for a month. Her fingers curl loosely around his hand, gentle and warm, and she signs carefully with the other hand, using obvious enough gestures that she can mostly get by with just the one.

If you see him again? Temper?

She's kind of assuming he must have one if Karkat got to him that badly, but it's hard to say. Who knows what Karkat said before she got there. She probably wouldn't react entirely well if he was insulting people she liked though, which is what seems to be the case with the Initiate.

Edited 2014-11-20 07:59 (UTC)

"I'LL DO MY BEST. Swear I will," He says, immediate. A little bit of a desperate edge slips in, but not too much. He hopes it's not too much. His hand goes a little tighter without meaning to.

She's right, of course. He is all temper and fear. The temper, apparently, even now. He wishes he could just blame it all on Karkat being intrinsic with his early days here, all full of rage then was he, but it's not all that either.

"WAS DOING BETTER. For a little while," He insists. Though, she wouldn't exactly know, would she? She'd only just arrived here. "TRY ALL TO AVOID HIM. What I did beforeways."

And that makes two he's holding this promise to. Mirth, he'd better not see Karkat treating Nill like how he'd treated Terezi. He's not that confident in his ability to reign himself in.

"WON'T KILL HIM NEITHER. If that means anything up at all." It's the one thing he can at least be sure of.

She wouldn't, and she doesn't, but the way he says it, maybe being more angry than not angry is how he normally is with other people. Maybe it's just a part of him that she hasn't seen up until this point - or that he didn't want her to see. The why of it doesn't matter. He doesn't offer any more explanation than that, and Nill doesn't ask. Another day, maybe. A better one.

Believe you.

She's not sure if he'll understand that - it's one of the signs that involves too hands, but she's not willing to let go of his just yet.

Karkat, in 6.

It may not be the best idea to have the Initiate and Karkat only a floor away from each other, but he should know about it regardless. Being that close they probably had a better chance of running into each other than a lot of the people in the tower did.

Then she adds, because it seems important to make the distinction, for him to know that both apply and that she trusts him.

Believe in you.

That guilt rears up sharp and sudden. Guilt and an immediate thought; you shouldn't. He doesn't voice it and he doesn't sign. He'll just take her belief and pray Messiahs guide him in seeing it right.

Karkat's in six. That's real close. He's going to have to be real careful, if all he wants to avoid him. Spot times for timing when all he should go and not. It's all so ridiculous, he should just be able to keep himself steady. He has to.

His head is bowed, trying to hide his face with hair he ain't got so much. He wonders how he's gotten these people what is so good. What are kind to him. What did he do right? How does he keep fooling them.

He doesn't want to think about that now though. His eyes dart to the side, at the pile of bones, then back to her.

"MEANT TO BE MAKING SOMETHING FOR YOU. Didn't think you'd be here to see it yet," He says, changing the topic without warning.

The sudden topic change isn't expected, but Nill doesn't try to steer the conversation back on course. After everything today so far, they could certainly afford to drop the heavier stuff for the time being. It seems like he might need the break.

Even so, she does look a little confused. She remembers him mentioning using colors before, but she hadn't thought too much of it. There were a lot of things people could use colors for, and she hadn't thought the statement was that indicative of anything at the time.

Her expression morphs into curiosity, and she lifts her hand to gesture at herself, head tilted a little. Something for her?

Finally, something he's able what as smile up over. His breath goes out relieved that the topic is being to take. He nods then to her and turns around to go to his bones.

He weaves around his pile and if it means slipping free of her hand, so be it, but he assumes her to follow. He hovers over his collection, a hum on his lips as he putters about. At last, he picks out a ribbon of sky blue, but that isn't all that comes with it.

Through careful weaving and knotting, he's made it all so the bones on it hang in a precise manner, in this case, like the spread wings of a small bird. Small feathers hang by each joint, including the center. Half of it is colored rainbow, little fleck marks done up over the bones, but the other half is lacking, still not yet finished as it is. It's not yes tied together yet either. Still, he lifts it up for her to see.

"NEEDS MORE WORK YET BUT..."

Nill does let go of his hand so he can get around, but he assumed correctly; she follows immediately, stopping at his side, but far enough that she doesn't get in his way. While he goes about getting what he's looking for, she finally takes a few moments to look over the bones that are set out, obviously on purpose. They're all clean, all organized. She can't help but wonder how he found so many. Nill's seen so few animals around since she got here. Maybe he asked an Avox to find them for him?

Or he could have killed them. It's certainly a possibility, though not one she wants to linger on for long. She pushes the thought aside immediately, and doesn't need to worry about finding a better one, because by then he's picked up the ribbon.

She's a little stunned. After the slightest of pauses Nill lifts a hand, very carefully brushing a finger against one of the feathers, trying her best not to move anything too much. She's not sure how delicate it is, if it'll break if she touches it the wrong way. Bones aren't really her thing. Honestly, she doesn't even eat meat very often. But there's something really nice about this, and it's obvious he put a lot of effort into it. She's more stunned that it's for her than the fact that it's made up of ribbon, paint and bones.

It takes a second or two for her to remember the right signs.

Pretty. For me?

He nods, all enthused. He holds it out to her, for her to take if she wishes.

There is nothing at all the Initiate has asked of an Avox. And then after learning of Kurloz, he was always careful to mind his own messes. Once becoming one, it was simply a given that he'd get jobs done. He was even knowing how to do it proper now.

He says, "Used to do this shit all the time up on Alternia. HUNT TO BE GETTING BY, BUT IT ALWAYS LEFT SO MUCH THE FUCK BEHIND. Supposed to just leave it but... I always had better ideas being for it. I'D MAKE THESE, TRADE EM' IN THE MARKET." By trade he means leave it behind in place of the thing he took while pray profusely to Messiahs for forgiveness and understanding. "Just keep 'em for myself. MEANT ALL TO BE PRETTY WHILE NOT MAKING FOR NO SEADWELLER TYPE FRIVOLITIES. Makes for miracles. OCCUPY THE HANDS AS ALL FOR GETTING ABOUT SHIT."

He looks to her, always careful now to see what he's saying ain't the wrong thing to say somehow. To see it's being alright.

"By Messiahs willing, I give honor unto life and death both. NO SIDE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEY OTHER. No side less so. SOME PEOPLE AIN'T LIKE IT. But... I don't know, I kinda think it's the way as all to be." He touches a wing bone. "AND SEE, EVEN IN DEATH, THERE IS STILL PURPOSE AND BEAUTY. That righteous noise what's being good."

You'd think, after casually knowing as many trolls as Nill has, that she'd be used to hearing about Alternia. But even having known all those people she's pretty sure she's never heard much of anything about the place. She didn't even know that people there needed to hunt. Even that much information doesn't give a very good picture of the place.

She takes it from him very carefully, trying to lay it out on the palm and spread fingers of one hand so she can run her fingertips over it with the other while she listens.

She'd never thought much of the death of animals, if she were being honest. The concept had only been connected to people, with different meanings for each individual. Horror when she thought Heine died for her. Freedom when Heine had killed the man who had the audacity to touch her and call himself her husband. Horror every death after, when loved ones died for themselves or for her. Worst of all, nothing. No purpose, no meaning. Just people dying constantly, coming back, sometimes dying again, not coming back. Useless. While she probably wouldn't be able to handle it much if these were the bones of people, the thought was surprisingly nice. Probably not something she could ever do herself, but nice nonetheless.

Good thought, she signs carefully, unsure if he'll understand, before also mouthing out 'thank you.'

She'd be getting ever more lost in the tales of Alternia if she thought what was being the case for him was so for motherfucking everybody. Lot of trolls is being from far future to him. Lot of them's got lussi and no reason to have to worry about fending their ownselves. But far be it from to paint Alternia in better image.

Nil's not been here long. For most humans, it's given that a place like this is a surprise to them. How can this exist, how can it be let to be. Motherfuckers ain't used to the low swings of the greif trapeze. He knows that's not the case for all, it isn't so for anyone from his world, but he can't tell what is for her. It's hard to fathom someone soft from places harsh. It never lasts.

Whether she is or she isn't, he's glad to see she's apparently getting grasp on it, getting hold for something good. It lifts him that little bit. Makes him feel a little more in touch with the carnival to be passing the good preach.

"AIN'T A THING UP AT ALL, SISTER," He says, smiling.

The only thing Nill ever really found out about Alternia from Kanaya was that it was a place that she didn't want to go back to. Considering the world they were in at the time, that said a lot about the place - but Kanaya never really spoke of it verbally, and for as much as she could do if she wanted, she almost never pried. Especially not when it came to someone she liked as much as she did Kanaya.

She's not sure she believes it - Chuck Shirley kind of ruined any hope she had in most things that couldn't be explained without the notion of faith somehow involved - but it's a nice thought nonetheless. For the longest time she's been around so many people who thought they were just in hell, and Nill didn't exactly disagree with them. She doesn't entirely disagree even now. But it's nice to hear something not that for once.

And it's even better to see him smiling again. Finally, she manages to send one back his way, small but bright regardless. Then, carefully, because he said he wasn't done, she holds the ribbon and the bones out for him to take back, and put back wherever he was keeping them before this.

She passes it back and he takes it back more gentle than makes sense of his being able to be. Destroyer he is, breaker of things. But this is precious and he treats it as so.

He lays it down careful, in front of the piles this time. Only as he's about to draw back, he hesitates. He looks to her proper.

"Shall he finish it now? COULD WORK AT IT WITH HIM, IF ALL SHE WISHED," He suggests. "Won't call no qualm if she'd wish not to bother though." There's a beat. "OR PERHAPS, SHE WISHES ON SOME OTHER THING. He owes you now, in sense. YOU CAM TO HE JUST IN TIME."

Her smile brightens a little, and she quickly shakes her head, though she holds up a hand, a gesture to wait, before reaching for the notepad again. More complex stuff will probably have to be written at least until he gets better.

you don't owe me.
you're my friend.
if I can help you I will.
whenever I can.

She makes a little gesture towards the ribbon, before adding in sign, what can I do?

He doesn't answer with none more than a smile to start. He slips off, looking about for something in his sleeping pile. He tugs it out and shows it off to her; a bit of cloth, coated in dried paint. Of course, that explains very little on it's own.

He lays it out upon the mattress, spread as far as it can go. Then back to his bones he goes, picking up the delicate piece. He carries it over and lays it out on the cloth, then is off again. He grabs three things then to bring over; two bowls and what looks like a small collected bit of cut off hair, tied all together. He settles upon the floor, kneeling at the end of it and placing the piece down beside him. He gestures with his head for her to join him.

Then comes picking the necklace apart. It's tricky, and means dissasembling, but with this particular task he's nothing but patient. The unfinished half is slid and settled off, the finished half pushed to the side.

He picks up the tied hair piece and dips it in a paint bowl. He lifts it up, holding it close to his face as he leans in toward the bones. He dabs it a bit on his palm, taking off the excess, then begins to flick the end of the "brush" blowing on it lightly, and upon the bones creating a speckle. He grins at her and sets the "brush" down on the cloth, at her side for if she wished to use it. For himself, he gathers up the bit of braid at the front, lifts up a different bowl, and dips the end of it in. With a painted braid, he starts to do the same thing.

For all the different things that Nill has seen, she's never sen someone do anything even close to this before. She stays a little off to the side at first, out of the way, while she watches him go about getting the things he seems to need for however he makes these things. She doesn't move to join him until he gestures for her to do so, at which point she goes and kneels down beside him.

It's impressive that despite having such big hands he's able to do such intricate, tiny work. She's not totally sure how he manages to get all the little pieces apart, only that she's sure if she were ever able to do it, it would be with years of practice. Much longer than it ever took her to learn how to fire a gun or throw a knife.

So that's how he got the little speckles like that. She'd almost thought he did it on his own for how evenly spaced out they were. It had all looked so purposeful. Nill leans a little closer to get a better look, but not so close that he'd be hitting her with the paint instead.

After making sure to watch him do it at least one more time she picks up the brush that he left for her, tilting it in her fingers a few times. She might be imagining it, but it sort of looks like the brush might be his hair too. After a brief moment of hesitance she dips the end into the color he'd used it for originally, dabbing some of the excess off on her palm, before she mimics what he did, flicking the end and speckling the bones with the paint. It's certainly not as good as his try, but not bad.

Then she looks up at him to see if she did it right, if he'd say as much.

the paint dots are a little larger, a little more like to spattle and be closer together. She hasn't done something like this before and it's obvious. Had he done it alone, it would have been as precise as the other side.

He's glad he didn't.

She receives a wide smile for her troubles and just like that, he's rising again. He crosses the room, not for no bones of paint, but for one of the water bowls. It's misleading to make it seem as though cleansing a brush is their only purpose, but the other reasons are to vague even to him, beyond habit and feeling.

He first kneels and uses it to get all the paint off his braid. He's sure she'll figure out to do the same for her piece. Then he's up again, grabbing more paints and setting them down.

He says, "Will have let at it to dry before making work gone on to the other side. BE ALL GETTING TO TURN THE BONES OVER THEN."

Like before, Nill watches him quietly. It seems like this must be the kind of thing he does relatively frequently if he's had water set out for it before she even got there. Or maybe there's some kind of a ritual to it that she doesn't understand, or can't right now. but also like before, she mimics him to the best of her ability, careful to clean the brush, to not dip her fingers into the water anymore than he might have, or not at all if he didn't. She doesn't entirely understand, but this seems more important than just making something pretty. When she's done she carefully sets the brush down, looking up at the Initiate.

Nill offers him a very small smile, nodding to show that she understands.

Then, after a moment, she pulls out her notepad again. Even after she does, she doesn't start to write immediately; it's obvious she's not sure if it's something she should share, but she does in the end, holding up the notepad for him to read.

I knew a boy that said bones remembered what they did.

He reads what she writes and he looks surprised. But quickly, that expression of surprise turns thoughtful. Bones remember what they did. That sounds right, to him. All being done correctlike does that make to motherfucking sound.

He nods and says, "Would be as to believing that." He's quiet, now making himself the one what ain't sure he wants to share. But he's always gave wherever he was given. Maybe if he words it just right.

"ON ALTERNIA, THERE'S A TROLL WHAT GETS CALLED THE GRAND HIGHBLOOD. They get a throne, one done up of indigo and bone. WHEN THE REIGNING HIGHBLOOD IS CULLED, THE NEXT TAKES THEIR TITLE AND THEIR PLACE. But also, the bones and blood of the last go to making the new throne. RIENFORCING THE OLD, WHILE STILL MAKING NEW. Becoming one with the old Highbloods just as they motherfucking belong to the new. SOME MOTHERFUCKERS CALL THAT NOISE BARBARIC BUT... I KINDA LIKE IT. I would like that, being made into something new. SOMETHING WHAT LASTED AND GOT BEING PART OF GREATER THING, WITH PURPOSE. Something beautiful."

He's not wanting to be the Highblood. Well, he is, but he's not. He wants the dream of it, not the reality what came to be. He wants all the connection to Messiahs, the spirituality, the good. He doesn't want to ruin everything.

But, he is wanting this part. Perhaps he's gone all to fooling himself, thinking she'll get it. He shakes his head, looking away. He should give up such silly things. They ain't never going to come to be.

"I FIGURE THAT'S NOT WHAT ALL YOU AND YOUR BOY MEAN THOUGH."

Edited 2014-12-03 02:34 (UTC)

A throne of bone and blood. Barbaric isn't exactly the word that Nill would use for it, gruesome as it might be. It would be worse if the Grand Highblood in question didn't have a choice in the matter, but if the Initiate knew about it when he was presumably nowhere near old enough to be something like that, then it was probably a well known enough tradition that the Grand Highblood had ample warning.

I never thought about it before I met him.
my friends never left behind bones.
I don't think they would have wanted to be something new.
Nico could use bones. ask them to do things for him.
they could hunt, or protect him. he said they didn't have souls.

Normally she would avoid names, but in this case, Nico's probably can't be used against her. They already didn't bring him back. He served them no purpose, and they weren't going to change their minds just because she was admitting to someone that he mattered to her. They don't even know how or why he matters. And maybe what Nico did was close to being what the Highbloods did, in a way. Something new when it was needed. It didn't hold any of the apparent beauty that the Initiate's belief did, but it was useful nonetheless.

There's one part that worries her a little though, and she adds it to the bottom.

are the highbloods always killed?

There was plenty of warning. The Empress knew she'd be challenged for the throne, even by every single time she won. Indigos seeking the Highblood's throne were no different. It was simply the thing to expect, being a troll.

"...No," He says, answering the final part first. "THERE HAVE BEEN GRAND HIGHBLOODS FOR MILLENIA. It is tradition to challenge for the throne, but a motherfucker could easily die on otherways. AND THE LAST. The very motherfucking last Grand Highblood dies upon his throne in the Vast Glub, at the end of times. THIS HE KNOWS FOR CERTAIN."

He doesn't have to tell her he knows exactly who that Highblood is. He ain't gotta tell her it's him.

"Your bones wouldn't have at for no souls," He agrees. "THE SOULS MOVE THE FUCK ON, IN DEATH. You can feel at for them going, if all you know what on you're seeking. BUT IMPRESSION MAY ALL BE LEFT THE FUCK BEHIND. Echoes. MEMORY AS LIKE YOUR NICO UP AND MOTHERFUCKING SAID." The use of bones seems like a great power. He recalls Sabriel, and the old necromancer what were one here. They feel so long ago now. He looks at her, head tilting. "Whereas did them motherfuckers get to going, leaving no bones?" It doesn't occur to him that this may not be a kind thing what all to ask.

For a few moments Nill gets stuck in her silence, watching him quietly before turning her attention to the notepad again, mind whirring. Her fingers twitch against her pencil, and she swallows thickly, willing away the sudden familiar ringing in her ears.

The words prove too difficult to write. She tries a few times and crosses everything out before she gets past the first few letters. Finally, she settles on signing them instead, forcing a smile onto her face as she lifts her hands.

I don't know. I looked. I never found...

As she's in the middle of signing, something else clicks in her mind, sudden and abrupt, and she goes still, the halfhearted smile quickly fading from her face. She's never heard of the Vast Glub - for all the homestucks she's known, they managed to neglect informing her about that particular event. But there is one concept that she's painfully familiar with, which sounds worryingly like it might be the case with the Initiate's world.

She immediately grabs her notepad again, writing faster and sloppier than usual in her haste.

is your world doomed?

Doomed. Hm. He looks up as he thinks about that, actively pondering and mulling it over. It seemed like such a dread filled statement. But he doesn't think of it like that. But in the sense that all and everyone would die?

"SUPPOSE SO. It's got meaning to come to an end. IT'S ALL BEING OF HONKPOCALYPSE IT IS. But it was always meant to be about the doing of that. WAS WRITTEN UP IN THEM STARS SHINING. It's in the prophecies, faithful or no. IT'S IN THE SCRIPTURE. My species is to die." His hands fold together, like in prayer. "BUT IT'S CHOSEN ONES WILL MAKE ALL ON LIVING THE FUCK ON. They will find the Shangri-La and our ghosts will up and follow. AIN'T NO THING. I had a long time to live before such things was to happen. I'M CHILL WITH IT. All is as it was destined and must make to motherfucking be. DESTRUCTION BREEDS CREATION. And so on." He's not perturbed. If anything, his face is serene. Maybe a little sad, but not too much.

Gamzee, Terezi... Karkat too, as much as that part bugged him. They were the chosen ones. They were the ones what would see to the end. He'd had his chance, in his life prior. Now was his descendant's turn.

But he turns to her sympathetic. To find nothing, not even proof they was gone. Such things hurt, more still when they were sought and unfound. He signs a sorry, and hopes she won't be too motherfucking bothered on by it. She's too kind not to be having good things for her.

He's going to die. Him and his entire species are going to die. She doesn't understand how he can care so little about that, how he can seem so calm with the knowledge that he and everyone he knows are just not going to exist anymore, unless it was as a ghost to follow after the apparent survivors.

Nill stares at him, as if something vital about what he's saying isn't connecting right in her head and she's not sure how to fix that. He was going to die and he didn't care. And if it was some kind of an apocalypse, then just like her other friends he wouldn't leave any bones behind, nothing but memories to say that he'd ever been there. Maybe that was a product from being in Panem for too long. After all, not long ago she'd watched him die in hi-def, with an absolutely stunning speaker system to broadcast the scream, every pixel of his demise in amazing Capitol technicolor.

He's just another dead kid, just like all her other friends.

It isn't until that train of thought crosses her mind that Nill lets out a shaky exhale, blinking rapidly, before she starts crying all at once, big tears streaming down her face that she immediately starts wiping away with the heels of her palms.

The shift in his face is gradual and subtle, all going only as he watches her. A weight settles in him, all a heavy stone of confusion and a general not-rightness. Guilt for something he doesn't understand. And as suddenly, she starts to cry, his mouth opens and his eyes go wide with horror.

"NO. No, no, no. DON'T CRY SISTER. Don't get your weep on for me." He reaches out to grasp her shoulders, get he attention and hold her steady. He's not her moirail but being here long enough has taught him all them other species just getting doing this as how they feel. What friends up and do, be all about the looking out for each other.

"IT'S OKAY. I got like... a thousand sweeps ahead of me, sister. MORE THAN TWO THOUSAND YEARS, THAT'S TOO LONG IS WHAT IT IS. And I've already gone doing the hard part of dying a ton of times here. ALL THAT WOULD BE LEFT IS THE EASY. Going to Carnival and getting greet of what's good." He laughs, soft and unsure, but still laugh. "BESIDES. I ain't going nowhere. I AIN'T NEVER GOING BACK TO ALTERNIA SO LONG AS I DON'T GOTTA. I'm staying here, with all of you." He reaches up and wipes at a tear with his knuckles, smiling in a way he hopes she understands. "WASN'T MEANING TO MAKE A SISTER GET HER SADNESS ON. It's something I've been being prepared for for a long motherfucking time. YOU'RE A WRIGGLER WHAT'S TOLD THEM AFTERS WILL BE A BIGASS PARTY, YOU GET A LITTLE EXCITED. Don't be sad..."

It's a good thing he does reach to steady her, because if he didn't she was probably gonna crumple in on herself. Everything since she got here has just been one incident after another, on top of all the bullshit that happened before she even made it that far. The bodies just keep piling up at her feet no matter what the hell she does, and she's just another dead kid too and she keeps waiting for the universe to figure that out but for some reason it hasn't yet. It's like it's some fucking game, worse than the one they play in Panem.

She sniffles and bites her lips and her shoulders shake, but she lifts her head when the Initiate grabs them, and though she's still crying it's mostly silent. Would be whether she had a voice or not, though it doesn't make it much less pathetic. It makes the faint dark circles under her eyes more prominent, the red stand out more. She's been trying to hold her shit together since she got here and she's done a pretty good job of it, but the idea of Kurloz being doomed on top of watching him and all those other kids die not long ago was too much.

But he doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to go back, and that's good, that's fantastic, maybe it means if they could fix this place then he could have a good life. One where he didn't need to keep dying, or be doomed, or any of that awful shit. More than two thousand years sounded terrifying, but it was better than dying in some hellhole like this before he even got the chance to grow up. If she played her cards right maybe she could keep him alive.

Nill sniffles again, but she nods after he wipes at her tears, a very slight movement of her head, before she closes her eyes, trying to make sure that no more tears fall. She doesn't open them again yet, but she lifts her hands to slowly sign I'm staying too.

So many things he would argue, if he knew her thoughts. Sure he's a dead kid, going by time and progression and how many of those trolls what were here had lived through his end, but he would be a dead adult too, a dead elder. To someone else's time he would always be dead and that was okay, because such was being the case with all everyone. He wasn't immortal and he didn't want to be.

He'd tell her not to be keeping him alive, not when so often that went wrong, went to dragging a motherfucker down and tearing them up because of failure after failure inevitable. He doesn't want that for her. He doesn't want it on nobody. He'd never been faced with the idea of motherfuckers mourning him before now and he's not sure if all he likes it.

It's apparent she does.

He rubs at her shoulders and says, "GOOD. I like you being around." He leans forward and bumps his forehead lightly against hers, before drawing back. Goat habits.

"WOULDN'T HAVE NO MOTHERFUCKER LEFT AS ALL TO TEACH THIS BROTHER THEM MIMING MIRACLES, WITHOUT A SISTER," He teases.

While not a gesture that she's familiar with, it's not hard to understand that it has friendly affection in it. She doesn't open her eyes until after he bumps their foreheads together, and after a moment without reaction a smile splits across her face, sudden and unprompted, and she laughs, even as a few more tears leak from the corners of her eyes.

It's the first thing that's made her imagine her dumbass of a would-be boyfriend doing something normal since she got here. He was always a jealous guy, long before he verbally expressed any kind of romantic intent, and if he were here he'd be losing his shit over this. She can practically hear the passive-aggressive whining.

It's nice. It's the first time she's thought about him in weeks that didn't involve lifeless eyes or hands trying to hold onto intestines.

Nill lifts a hand to rub at an eye with the heel of her palm. It's not that easy to stop the waterworks once they've started, but she can certainly make an effort. Though her smile is still a little watery, she then signs back, I'll be a good teacher.

I like you here too.

There we go. That's being the motherfuck it right there. The smile. Tears is okay so long as there's getting smiles up and on with it.

He feels a sense of pride, that he's managed to mend this where he could. Sure he fucked up and broke shit, but he figured as all like how to put it the motherfuck back together. That's the good bit what he wants to be about more.

"You already are," He points out, not to flatter, but to state fact. "GLAD WE'S BEING UP IN AGREEMENTS DONE ON THAT OTHER NOISE. Have a motherfucking say party, we. WON'T NEVER END CAUSE AIN'T NOBODY WILL GET BEING ALLOWED TO MOTHERFUCKING LEAVE."

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I made a wreck of my hand, I put it through the wall

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