thecapitol | Not far from here, you see me crack

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Not far from here, you see me crack

Who| Terezi, The Signless, The Initiate Fraysong
What| Terezi thinks it's about time she steps up these conciliatory talks. One-on-one time is over.
Where| Terezi's room, D3 suites
When| About now, Present, etc.
Warnings/Notes| TBD

It's in the middle of the afternoon that Terezi goes to both the Signless's room and the Intiate's room to deliver a note. It honestly looks more like a summons than anything else, but it gets the point across. With everything that has happened lately, she wants to get them talking again. And she has a good feeling that she can get them talking to each other now, instead of just with her.

It's worth a try, anyway.

Whoever shows up first will find Terezi has pulled three of the chairs from the common area into the room, all facing each other in a circle. She is seated in one of them, and with the other two still empty, it should be obvious exactly how many participants she expects to have.

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The summons is strange enough. Especially when as he finds Terezi ain't there in district five. He supposes it's easy enough to guess what all it's at to be by the club, but still, it leaves him wondering the whole afternoon into the evening when as everyone else in tower starts to settle to sleep, and he, even more than a year later, feels wide awake in the darkness.

He remembers where her room is well enough. Before she stayed with him, he'd been the one what had stayed with her. He doesn't have no expectation clear until he gets to entering the room. For a second, he forgets he can speak as he looks at her, eyes wide. He isn't worried about a strife breaking out no more, but it's still a step what he hadn't prepared for.

He walks the rest of the way in, settles upon a chair in a way what has him just barely resisting curling close to his ownself, and he waits.

The Signless shows up not long after, similarly wide awake. He's adjusted after over a year to a mainly diurnal sleep schedule but it still feels much more natural to be awake and active at night.

He isn't surprised Terezi wants to talk; maybe she wants to check in now that they're all three of them going to be so active in the rebellion to make sure that tensions won't get in the way of that? That's his assumption at least until he sees the number of chairs and the big indigo sitting in one of them. Apparently it's time for things to get serious.

He arranges himself in the last chair and lets the silence linger for only a moment before he speaks. No use in making this awkward.

"Hello. I got your note." He holds it up, like it wasn't already incredibly obvious he got it.

Terezi is just about as nervous as they are, but she's determined not to let it show. She has to be the authority here--just in case something goes wrong. When Fraysong comes in and curls into the chair, she wants to reach out and comfort him. But the most she manages to do is assume him, "It's going to be alright. We're just going to talk."

Like she doesn't know how gut-wrenching that probably is. When Signless comes in as well, she straightens in her chair. It's time to get this show on the road. He seats himself and mentions the note, and Terezi's not sure if she appreciates the obvious ice-breaker or not.

"Okay. You both managed to follow directions, so that is a good start." She rests her arms on her knees, leaning forward a little and directing her attention between the two of them. "I know this is sudden, and I didn't prep either of you for this, but... I think you're both ready to start talking this out. You spent parts of the arena in each others' company. Before that, you worked together to get me out of jail. And even before that, we had a good time and a good laugh, and..." She pauses, recognizing that she's rambling a little in her nervousness. Carefully, she starts up again, a little slower.

"And I think you're ready for this. I believe that you can do it."

There, pep talk accomplished. Now to get down to business. "So... Let's start at the beginning, since that's where most of the problems lie. Kurloz... Do you want to go first?"

No, is the immediate answer that comes to his mind. He looks at her not at all unlike an antlered beast in headlights. He keeps finding, in moments like this, he forgets his tongue and that he can at all vocalize. He wishes he had something to occupy his claws with, a direction what to look.

He reaches back to pull at some of his hair, long as all it is again. Avoxes don't have long hair. He's fine. It's fine. Just like Terezi said. His eyes squeeze shut and then reopen. He has something all planned and prepared what to say. He's ready.

What comes out is not what he planned to say.

"I found you in the market. SPEAKING MIGHTY YOU WAS. I thought you was a fool. A FOOL WAS WHAT AS I SAW WHEN AS I MOTHERFUCKING LOOKED AT YOU. But you... you gave me things what I'd spent my whole life wanting. PRETENDING I DIDN'T. You gave me something to hope for. YOU GAVE SOMETHING WHAT TO BELIEVE IN. You gave me a friend." He thinks to smile, but he can't. He can't drag it up from him. Still, he says, "YOU'D BE THERE TO TALK AT ME, GET OUR CHILL ON. And I'd remember that. I WENT BACK TO NOTHING EVERY MOTHERFUCKING TIME YOU LEFT. I went back to empty and motherfuckers all trying to kill my ass every goddamn night. I'D GO BACK TO CULLS AND CULLING AND I WAS MOTHERFUCKING GRATEFUL BECAUSE AT LEAST I HAD SOMETHING. It was only you what told me it was okay that I want something else. THERE WAS NOTHING FOR ME, BUT YOU! You were my last line defensive, keeping me sane, and you just... left."

The last word rings ever so fucking hollow. It is the final undeniable thing. Still he carries on, without looking at the Signless to see how he reacts. Just hoping he's let to talk.

"I GET NOW, YOU DIDN'T THINK ON IT LIKE THAT. I get it wasn't the same for you. YOU CAME BACK LATER BUT... I spent too long already waiting on that shore getting my teeth kicked in. I WOULD HAVE DIED THERE, IF I WAITED ANY LONGER. How was I supposed to know? COULD ONLY EVER FEEL YOUR FEAR. You and yours would look on me like I'd already painted with their guts. FOR ALL I MOTHERFUCKING KNEW, ALL WHAT YOU SAW ANYMORE WAS A MOTHERFUCKING A HIGHBLOOD. You hated the blood on my hands, the troll what I was making out to be, but it was the only way to live long enough. IT WAS THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKING WAY FOR MY ASS TO SURVIVE. What was I supposed to do? AND THEN YOU DISAPPEARED AND, MOTHERFUCKER, I WAS SO ANGRY. I had nothing left, even my old goat took the fuck off. I COULDN'T BE WHO I WAS, I COULDN'T HAVE NOTHING!"

He can remember clear, wondering why. What did he do that other highbloods-- even some lowbloods-- had better than him? Why were they liked better? What made them special if it wasn't just being the troll they was all expecting him to be? He still doesn't know.

"So yeah, I left. YEAH, I JOINED THE MOTHERFUCKING SUBJUGGLATORS. I was the one highblood in the troops what had nothing to my name, why shouldn't I have wanted to be Grand Highblood when I damn well deserved something? YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BECOME A REBEL, I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE YOUR ASS EVER AGAIN! But the moment I tried to move on from you, you was there wherever I'd go. I COULDN'T MOTHERFUCKING ESCAPE IT, AND EVERYONE KNEW. I just wanted to live my motherfucking life, brother. I CAME HERE AND IT WAS THE SAME SHIT ALL THE FUCK OVER. I know I was an ass, I know, but I couldn't even see none of the friend what was. JUST A MOTHERFUCKER WHAT HATED ME CAUSE HE SAW A HIGHBLOOD."

But he ain't angry no more. It's same as he felt in arena. He's just tired. There's no righteous-- or unrighteous-- fury left in him.

"Even though I know now the way and why of it all, I can't just forget. I FELL THE FUCK APART WITHOUT YOU, BROTHER. I was gonna ask to stay with you. WHATEVER IT MEANT, WHEREVER. Mirth, I pitied you, and I was cursed by you. ALL WHAT I COULD SEE WAS MISTAKES FOR IT. Every time I do anything, I'm back to thinking, are they gonna leave, is this gonna hurt me like that did? I AIN'T KNOW HOW TO STOP. I'm only just having motherfuckers what keep me from acting on it, but I still think it and I ain't sure as there'll be a time when I won't."

By now his head is down. His fingers are interlocked and his hands are up to mask and cover his eyes along with the rest of his face. His hair hangs in a veil.

"BUT MAYBE I DESERVE THAT," He admits, at last. "I destroyed everything for you. THERE AIN'T NO END TO THE RUIN I WRECKED UPON YOU AND ALL WHAT HAD NEARNESS TO YOU. I led you to torture, my one friend singular. I CAN'T UNDO THAT. No matter how I try to change, there will always be a million more timelines out there whereas I motherfucking didn't. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A GRAND HIGHBLOOD. But for all it means fuck all..." He lifts his head, all of shame, hoping they ignore the indigo there. "I'm sorry... I WISH SO FUCKING BAD IT HAD GONE DIFFERENT. I don't motherfucking expect no forgiveness."

Edited 2014-10-12 19:09 (UTC)

There's a lot there to process and address, even if Signless already knows a good bit of it. He's gathered it up in bits and pieces dropped from interaction to interaction and there's nothing there that he can really disagree with. He takes a few quiet moments to try and get his thoughts his in order, but it's hard to decide where to begin -- not that that's his fault really, or Fraysong's. With so much to sort through between the two of them it's to be expected.

Okay. It's probably easiest work his way backward from the last thing Fraysong said, since it's the most immediate. Plan of attack decided, he shifts a little in his chair and starts to speak.

"I can't forgive you for something that you haven't done. It wouldn't be right of me to hold those things against you. It was wrong of me to do that when you first arrived here and it would be wrong of me to do it now." Damn it, he's already off-track. He was going to do this neat and orderly but that never seems to happen where Fraysong is concerned.

"If I had reached out to you then instead of projecting hurt onto you that you had no part in causing, so many of our problems would have been dealt with much sooner-- or not have developed at all." He knows that so much of the blame for how bad their relationship became at the start rests with him, with how from the very beginning he was nasty and dismissive when he had no right to be and then jealous and petty when he should have been understanding.

His jaw works, trying to think how all best to respond to such a thing. He doesn't know, really, is the problem. His eyes dart to Terezi, like she would even motherfucking know better. She's an auspistice, she doesn't need to walk him through every goddamn thing.

"PERHAPS," He gives, though he chews on the word like he ain't all sure. He raises a hand to fix at his face whilst he can. "Didn't exactly give greeting on kind. DON'T KNOW AT IF I'D GONE TO LISTEN. Didn't want to, I don't think. BUT IT AIN'T ALL I DID." He forces his head up. "I killed Karkat Vantas. I PAINTED HIS BLOOD UPON YOUR HANDS. That wasn't being my future. THAT WAS MY PAST, AND THEN, MY PRESENT."

His mouth presses to a line and his shoulders rise, then drop. "I ain't know if he was here what I'd... IT WASN'T BEING RIGHT, I GET THAT NOW. I ain't without sins. I SWORE TO TEREZI-" He looks to her, for a short second. "-SINCE THEN I'D NOT HARM WHEN I COULD MAKE SPEAKING. I'm gonna that promise still. AS LONG AS WHAT ALL I CAN."

At the mention of what happened in the jungle arena his expression tightens. Much as he knows it's something they need to talk about and work through just as much as everything else, he was hoping they could just neatly sidestep it. It's easily the part of their shared past that he regrets the most.

"I think that's good, that promise. It helps to know that you feel remorse for your part in what happened." He's silent for a long moment as he tries to decide how to proceed with this painful subject, and then the urge to speak becomes too great and everything comes tumbling out at once.

"I shouldn't have culled the Helmsman, even if it was meant as a mercy. It wasn't my place and it wasn't worth all of the pain that it caused. If I hadn't, you wouldn't have felt the need to hurt Karkat in the first place." It all comes back to him again, to one stupid decision he made because he wanted so badly not to lose someone he should have let go already.

"I regret it all the more because I can't change it now that it's done and there's no way to ever truly atone for it. I promised myself afterward that I would never break my vow of nonviolence again, not for any reason, but that doesn't change what I did." He runs a hand through his hair, clearly unhappy and frustrated. It's hard to sort through the tangle of emotion surrounding what happened and put it into coherent words.

"All I can do is what you're doing, move forward and try not to make the same mistake again, but it feels like it's not enough."

Edited 2014-11-13 03:31 (UTC)

He can't deny it. It's nice to hear. No matter how he feels now, the memory of being so angry, of seeing it all so unfair, of wondering why, why, why the Signless would break that vow for one singular person what had to be his moirail.

But all the same, part of it confuses him.

His head tilts. When he speaks, he sounds thoughtful. "In my experiencing, it ain't ever going to feel to be enough. KINDA FIGURED THAT'S HOW ALL SHIT IS. I mean, if we didn't have such things on mind, would probably get to forget. YOU DIG?"

It's a weird and sudden calm in him. He's not sure where it's come from but perhaps his time being mute. Or from very long ago.

"You're ain't responsible for Karkat or what I chose, you know. I GOT MY VENGEANCE. Wouldn't be right I say to forgive you like it was being my place to say all such things. BUT I GUESS... I AIN'T ANGRY NO MORE." He shrugs his shoulders. "Don't need to repent to me. I DON'T NEED NOR DESERVE. Just gotta get repentance to your ownself for such things left."

He looks to Terezi, hoping that's good enough. Hoping that's right.

Edited 2014-11-13 03:49 (UTC)

So far so good.

Terezi is actually really impressed with the conversation that she's listening to. They've both gotten so much better at accepting both each other and their own faults. It's not an easy thing to admit when you've messed up, and yet here they are doing just that. Taking responsibility for the places they've hurt each other, and understanding that the problems between them aren't as simple as placing the blame on the other. It gives her a good feeling, like something tangible is being accomplished here.

Initiate turns to look at her, and she realizes that she's already smiling. She nods a little to him--to them both, swelling a little with the pride of knowing how far they've come.

"Good. This is really good. You've both gotten a lot better at understanding each other." She considers joking about giving them gold stars for this, but she doesn't want to demean it with some facetious comment. They've made good progress, and they deserve to feel good about that.

It feels indescribably good to hear that -- both that the Initiate is no longer angry with him and that Terezi thinks they've made real progress, but the former especially.

"I think we have, yes." He doesn't yet allow himself a smile, but neither does he look overtly unhappy. "And I think that's a good way to look at it. That I need it there as a reminder to myself of past mistakes."

What he did won't ever really go away and he isn't sure he'll ever be able to make peace with himself over it, but if the Initiate is willing to move past it then between them they can let it rest. Moving forward is more important than dwelling when dwelling won't change anything anyway. Carefully he wraps up the guilt he still has and sets it aside. Not gone, certainly not forgotten, but no longer so much of an open wound.

He's relieved to see Terezi give her thoughts more than anything. That smile makes this. It makes him feel he's doing right.

And in some way, if he knew the extent Signless had listened to him just then, he'd be proud of him too. Moving on without forgetting. It was hard, he knew, he had all of his future to contend with, but they have something what works.

He turns back to Signless, breathing deep, then says, "YOUR TURN, BROTHER. Tell what grievings be of you."

And with that he makes himself quiet.

Edited 2014-11-24 19:38 (UTC)

Grievances. Grievances? Does he have any to tell, at this point? What happened between them when they were younger has been pulled apart, explained, begun to heal. What happened in the jungle arena is neatly boxed up and behind them. He's already dealt with on his own the petty, unwarranted jealousy over the Initiate's relationship with the Psiioniic -- and how could he bring that up now, with Mituna gone? He knows it was misplaced feelings of inadequacy, he doesn't need to drag the whole sorry mess out again when he'd already almost forgot about it.

Empty-clawed, he shakes his head.

"I think everything has already been told."

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Not far from here, you see me crack

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