thecapitol | In Every Atom, Broken, Is a Name [OPEN]

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In Every Atom, Broken, Is a Name [OPEN]

WHO| Venus Dee Milo and open
WHAT| Venus shows people where the blind spots are.
WHERE| The corner of Castor and Juvenal.
WHEN| After Lonestar's post.
WARNINGS| Likely some mentions of torture and suicide.

Venus does the perfect approximation of just lounging at a bus stop, playing on her network device and checking her receipt for all the things she bought at the jewelry store. Capitol citizens passing by pay her no mind, except to sneer at the brand across her cheek. She knows she should be wearing it like a badge, but no amount of conviction seems able to stop her wincing every time that look of disgust crosses someone's face.

She feels strangely detached, as if she's spent all of her energy either in berating herself for her laundry list of recent mistakes or in acting like they haven't brought her down. She knows that there's chaos around her, and yet she feels like the shrapnel and debris in the air misses her, that the wind doesn't touch her. She knows that she should feel the hum in the earth as the water behind the dam reaches a breaking point, and yet there's nothing. Nothing but the sun beating on her face, her scarred, ugly face.

She's accomplished nothing here. Even Wyatt and Maximus' safety was incidental to anything she did. She has a fistful of locations where someone, anyone might go forth and make fire with a spark that she's to dim to light.

She sits there, browsing some tabloid on her device, and she waits.

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"And me for talking too much." Eponine tried to laugh. "I have not learned my lesson much, but I am trying. I don't want any more of my friends to die because I keep saying silly things."

Traitors. That word. Traitors. Are people like Eva and Venus' friends traitors? Should they be killed, as she suspects Venus' have been, because of it? Or is she, Eponine, a bigger traitor than Eva could ever be? She's parroting Capitol beliefs as if she believes them. She's practised them over and over in her bedroom. She knows what to say and how to say it, but it makes her feel sick every time.

She glances up at Venus when the woman squeezes her arm. She can ask about Venus' friends when they get to a safe place. Not now. Not yet. She doesn't dare to. So she moves just a little bit closer to Venus to show her sympathies.

"Mr. Cyrus. He looks for my health. He has asked the Peacekeepers to make sure I am in bed and asleep every night. And Mr. Sigma. He looks out for me." They're not the ideal guardians, Cyrus especially, and Sigma because of his pro-Capitol pretence, but Eponine says nothing more. Not here. When they're safe.

"Well, that makes two of us."

Honestly, Venus doesn't say it out loud, but it's probably best that Eponine's being cared for by people without rebellious tendencies. Eva's shadow cast a lot of people in the dark.

"Eva - your mom - she liked books, right? Like, that was kind of her thing, that and gardening?" They head down the street.

"She did, Miss. Often she gives me poetry. I find it hard, really. I can read, honest, but the words are in the wrong order. It makes it hard to understand. But I read it to please Eva, you see?" She trots along with Venus, chattering about the different, Capitol-safe books that Eva had given her, and not listing the older texts that came in different dust jackets, just in case.

"Why, Miss? Why do you ask?" She asks eventually.

"Well, we are heading to a bookstore. I was reading a few books too, you know, before all this- before my life kind of went sideways." That's a kind way to put the fact that she's been in a nosedive, a tailspin, a meteoric crash that will take biblical language to describe when all is said and done.

"You know, we could read together. Just like, go over books so we understand them. It might help to be accountable to something and, I don't know. Might make you feel close to your mom."

"You'd like to? Honest?" Eponine's surprised that Venus would want that, to spend time with her, in a book store of all places. But she nods eagerly. To have friends again would be lovely. "I should like it a lot. It is better to haveca person who knows what it means than who makes them up. Are we nearly there?"

"I can't guarantee that I know any of what we're reading better than you. I guess English is my first language, though, so that's something..."

The bookstore almost seems crammed into this street, like caulk between two boutiques. She keeps a hold of Eponine's hand as she walks in. Unlike most citizens, the employee doesn't greet their brands with a glare.

"Excuse me, sir? Can we use the restroom? Feminine troubles."

Eponine squeezes Venus' hand tight as they go in. She doesn't give two hoots if the shop keeper's frowning at her or not. She is obviously very used to being disapproved of, and asked to leave places. But Venus seems to be taking the branding badly, and Eponine wants to be there for her in any little way she can.

Actually, though, that the man doesn't frown at them is more perturbing to Eponine. Should he approve of them in the shop them? She looks at Venus in astonishment too, but she has the sense to keep her mouth shut. Is this the way to the secret room then? Through a bathroom? She stands and waits, not wanting to mess up Venus' plan, whatever it is.

"Miss?" As they head into the bathroom, the cashier calls them back. Venus tilts her head at him. "Your special order's in."

Venus knows better than to argue that she never made a special order or to question the book of unfamiliar poems that the clerk places in her hand. She just thanks him and continues with Eponine to the restroom. Once through the hall and inside the single-stall, she starts to talk.

"There's no cameras or audio here. It's one of the only places I know where you can talk freely."

She cracks open the poetry book. "This is for you. It has your name on the front cover."

Eponine's name, and a last testament from Eva.

"Truly?" Eponine asks. "We won't get in trouble?"

But that's completely forgotten when Venus hands over the book. Eponine stares down at her own name in such familiar handwriting. 'Eponine'. She can already feel a lump forming in her throat.

"It's from Eva. From... from my Mama. Oh God..." She sits down heavily on the toilet, still staring at her name.

"God, she's given me a book of those silly poems. But so much to her - so much. God. God, will you read it with me?" She reaches out for Venus' hand. She needs someone with her. She needs support. Even from a woman she barely knows.

Venus lost her mother too, her whole family. She couldn't turn down someone making that request. She nods and swallows. She squeezes Eponine's hand, and when she looks at the girl it's not pity but understanding in her eyes.

"Of course."

There's a note on the leaflet page in the book, written in Eva's jagged, toothy cursive.

Daughter,

I hope that when you read this, it's not with hatred in your heart, but I would understand if you held me in loathing for leaving you like this. Know that this was the most difficult part of the entire decision. I considered taking you into death with me, but you deserve better than to be sacrificed at the altar of my vengeance. I considered, very heavily, staying here with you and building a new life, but I know I can and must do you better by giving you a future.

There's nothing for you here in the present, Eponine, save potential. You have the potential to live the life you deserve, one where you are treated with the respect and grace the people here won't afford you. You'll have to make that. I wouldn't have left you so soon if I didn't trust that you would have the resilience and the moxy to take from the grip of a world that will hand you nothing. I hope I've loosened its fist.

Forget me if it makes it easier. If not, remember that I love you - not past tense, but still. Remember that you are a Salazar now, and that means triumph and wiles run through you deeper than blood could. Remember that I am at peace now, having done my part, having died not ragged and empty but full of love for you and a vision of your happiness attainable.

Destroy this page after you have read it.

Love,
Your mother

It takes her reading that first word until Eponine breaks down completely. Just that one word - daughter, and the lump grows and breaks and silent tears run down Eponine's face and drip down off her chin. She just stares at that one word for ages, just - daughter. It's like losing Eva all over again.

She pushes the book at Venus, urging the older girl to read it to her. She closes her eyes, and draws her legs up onto the toilet seat and holds her head in her hands, still crying as Venus reads the letter out. God, Eva thinks too much of her. And she - she has been walking about saying that her mother - the woman who has died for Eponine, who has saved Eponine's life so many times - she has been telling everyone that Eva is a traitor. She is disgusted with herself.

She longs for Eva's arms, her warm embrace. She longs just to have her Mama back with her, even just for an hour or so. But there's no one left. Only words on a page.

"She is mad if she thinks I shall destroy her writing." She mumbles. "God -" And she shakes her head and rests her forehead on her knees. "Miss - " She looks back at Venus, pleading for the girl not to leave her alone, for Eponine has never felt so alone in her whole life.

Venus feels even her own throat tighten as she reads it, less because of Eva's words than because of the expression on Eponine's face, the ugly, mouth-crunching tears, Eponine's eyebrows like checkmarks to the list of her loss, her nose snotty and cheeks blotched with heat.

When she's done, she wraps her arms around Eponine, keenly aware of her own inadequacy. She wouldn't leave someone alone like this. She holds Eponine like that for a few minutes before parting and opening the book again.

"You'll have to get rid of it. Memorize it and then we're destroying it." Venus rips the page out of the book and shoves it out to Eponine. For as much empathy soaks her features, she won't allow Eponine to be stupid. There's a firmness to her tone, but a slyness to her next words. "That way is stays in your heart, where it's just your secret and the Capitol can never take it from you."

"It's all that's left of her." Eponine looks at the page blankly. Tears still roll down her cheeks and she sobs. It seems ridiculous, what Venus and Eva are telling her to do, though in her heart of hearts , she can understand it. She would be in trouble again if the Capitol found it .

"Is it not that we can't hide it here ?" Eponine asks. She reaches for Venus' hand, clutching it between both of hers. "what should I do if I forgot her words? God, I miss my mama. Do you not miss people? What should you do?"

"People come in and out of this bathroom all the time. It'll be found." She shakes her head and squeezes Eponine's hand. "I'll memorize it too. I'm good at that, I used to do some acting, you can ask me if you ever forget it..."

She doesn't know if she can hold to that promise, but it's something. Venus sighs and looks at the page, tracing the letters into her inner voice.

"I miss my mom, too."

Eponine doesn't look at Venus. Not out of rudeness or sadness or anything else except that she knows in her heart that Venus is right. She can't save Eva's writing but she can save Eva's words.

It's the first time she's ever had to memorise anything properly, but Eponine's a clever girl and she is soon able to recite the short note. Only then, when she's certain she knows it by heart, she looks to Venus.

"Was your mama here as well? Have they killed her?" She shakes her head. "You know, I am sick of what these people do. It is not even an arena. That's bad. It's just them always taking the people you love and hurting them or killing them, and leaving you alone to know it is your fault. That is why I am glad so many people hate me. Nobody shall make me feel so again. Now, they can't. There is nobody left at all."

"I killed my mother. It was- it was an accident." Venus never fully sounds like she believes that, and the footage the Capitol showed her in the past has only muddied this swampy terrain in her mind more. This is the delta in which her memory and her self-esteem mingle, in which water and silt are indistinguishable.

When Eponine talks, all Venus can hear is a younger version of herself saying the same thing. Never out loud, but believing that isolation kept her cocooned and safe from loss, from rejection, from grief, from everything that human entanglement required.

"It's not worth it, Eponine. To shut yourself out like that."

"Killed?" That captures Eponine's attention. And Venus' words could be Eponine's own. That's what gets her. They could be her own.

"How? I mean, it is so if you do not wish. It is a horrid feeling, innit? To know you did it. I killed my Pa as well. That were an accident as well. Only I could't stand for him hitting me again and he were gonna kill me, so I just... well, I thought it'd stop him."

It's nice, in a way, to share that with someone. It's sort of comforting. It's nice to find someone so similar to herself, and yet someone so good. Someone who has obviously taken all of this hurt which Eponine uses to harm herself over and over again to a good place and made it into something productive and good and... and it was just good for Eponine to realise she had a role model in Venus.

And perhaps a less destructive one than Eva.

"I don't know though. I don't know what else to do. I am too scared that I will hurt people all the time. Perhaps I am such a person that needs to just be kept alone."

"It was an accident. I- it's complicated. I was very sick when I was young. I got angry and I didn't realize at the time what I could do-" But she doesn't know if she would have stopped if she had. That's the part she'll never be able to quite recollect - if she absolves herself, she's convinced it's a lie. If she condemns herself, she wonders if it's her self-loathing talking. "I know all about hurting people without meaning to."

She would stop talking about it entirely, but she doesn't know that she can just brush off Eponine like that, a younger woman who's so much more recently lost her mother.

She rubs Eponine's boney shoulder. "You know, I grew up on the streets too."

Edited 2014-11-26 23:53 (UTC)

"Yeah?" There's hope in Eponine's eyes when she looks back up from the letter at Venus. It's such a horrible fate to wish on anybody and yet... yet it is so nice to know that she is not so alone.
"And you're so good. Even if... well, people say it is not my fault for murder, and I can say to you it is definitely not so, but if you are as me, then it won't make a jot of difference what I say, no? It's still there in your belly, innit? All the bad things... because you always think it is your fault and I do not know how such a feeling ever truly goes. But..." She leans her head on Venus' side, stroking her fingers over her brand.

"We have to be proud too, yes? I think the Capitol were so mistaken to give me a brand like this. I think they thought it would upset me, but no. I am proud to say that I hate these people. I am proud they hate me."

"I'm not good, Eponine. I've killed more people in the Arena than anyone left here. And that was and is my fault. I choose to do that."

Venus can't help but cringe when Eponine touches her brand. It has nothing to do with Eponine's calloused fingers, but with the memories of the jail she was tortured in, of picking at the scabs on her brutalized face and making it scar all the worse.

"You're a braver person than me. I think they might've burned out my soul when they scarred my face." And how she hates herself for that, for mourning her beauty when so many of the people she has loved are dead or missing. For considering her looks an integral part of her identity so much that she didn't realize how easy she was to break with their destruction.

"Not brave. Just... you lost beauty. Me? I didn't have none to lose so it don't matter. Maybe you have never been hated before. I don't know, but for me, always do people hate my kind. So it don't bother me, people staring. Let 'em, and I say I do not care."

The only benefit of being so completely broken and battered as Eponine is, is that there is nothing left to hurt. No pride, no sense of worth, no happiness to destroy. And so Eponine has taken that last bad experience and made it positive, mostly because of Eva. Mostly because it reminds her that she can be happy and loved and that she would do anything for the people she loves, even in such a world. It makes her think that there is something at least a little bit good inside her.

"I don't believe you're bad, Venus. I promise that. To put up with me for a start - most people hate me, you know? And we have all killed a lot. It is what they make us do... but you shall never believe me for that either, I know."

"Oh, believe me, hon, I been hated." What better word is there for a child who killed her family, who eventually was cast out with nowhere to go? For the foster kid too old and too mutant to be worth the meager money the government shoveled in her wake? "My beauty's all I had, I think sometimes."

She doesn't know how to tell Eponine that it's what she did even before Panem made her do it. But she squeezes Eponine's hand. And she brings out the makeup tools. Something to explain how long they're taking in here, and to cover the flush of the cheeks Eponine has cried onto.

"I should be more like you, I think. I haven't seen anyone treat the brand like- maybe I should start treating it like you treat yours."

"You know? Even if they make it go away one day, if my stylist makes them let it go when I die, I shall have it put right back on, and I shall have it so until they leave me alone." Eponine's quite definite about that. She wants to keep her brand, as mad as it sounds.

"Don't you think if you decide to like it, it makes their power a little bit less. It is like spitting at their feet or swearing or some'at. Don't you think, Venus? I don't have no other way to say nothing. I am so scared if I don't do as I am told to and say as they want me to, they will hurt more of my friends. But this - they did it to me, but you know, I am to be as Eva said, and brave. I shan't be kicked about so no more."

Venus wishes she could have that bravery; the idea of the brand lasting her until the end of her life is knit around her bones in a vice, making her wither from the middle. She thought it better to be dead than maimed as she was when she woke up from the last Arena and caught her horrifying visage in a mirror.

"I think you're right. I think it just- it takes more backbone than I got. Especially these days." Maybe if she were still warm and happy as she was when she had her array of friends around her, her lover and her mentors and her surrogate younger siblings - but now she is in ruins and her life is strewn not with corpses, but with absences. "I see what it was Eva loved about you."

It's the same spiteful fire in Eponine's face that she saw in Eva's broadcast.

"My stupidity?" Eponine laughs. "She called it brave too, but not really. It's stupid because so many have died because of me. So you see why I say what the Capitol wants? All the broadcasts and all? I don't mean it, but I must say it and do it so people do not die no more. And everybody hates me for it." She sighs theatricality. She's given up on anybody much liking her, and as much as she knows it's her own fault, she can see as well that any attempt to make amends will be scuppered by her pretence of grudging loyalty to the Capitol.

"You know, one day, I shall have President Snow's head in my hand, and an axe in the other, and his head shan't be attached to his body. I promise you that." And she means every word.

In Every Atom, Broken, Is a Name [OPEN]

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[cw: sexual abuse]

Re: [cw: sexual abuse]

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