(no subject)

[ka_sera_sera]

Who|  Roland, the Signless
What| grief
Where| if Roland finds Signless right away, the district 12 rooms
When|  about midway-to-late in arena week 5
Warnings/Notes| grief? that's probably it, will update if necessary

The whole process is familiar. Trying for too long to figure what's happening on the TV, begin to get a headache, leave, come back, find reruns of Susannah's death. Head to her district.

That's when that familiarity starts to set in. When she isn't there. When no one he asks has seen her since before she went into the arena. When he walks close as he can get to the place the tributes are 'woken up'. It's a long walk. Much longer than the five or so minutes it actually takes. He doesn't have to ask anything once he finds someone who works there - only has to say her name in brief, heavy tones, and... that's it.

That's it.

I can't do it again, he thinks, remembering that evening on the roof, of watching the sunset with his hands round his knees and knowing his grief for Cuthbert would one day pass. I can't do this, he tells himself, and this grief is fresh enough that he lets himself indulge, lets himself believe it.

That's it. She was the last.

He stands there, chest tight. Then he goes inside the elevator, waits until it stops at her floor. Stands there inside it, looking out the open doors and thinking of another set of days spent alone in this tower, waiting for her. Waiting to spring her from the nightmare that had given the both of them these brands. The doors in front of him close. He thinks of that waiting and of a little while where it had been soothed, of fabric and then heat under his fingers, a voice kind and happy in his ear.

The elevator reaches level twelve. He stops it. Drifts outside its doors this time, inside the suite and turns in a half circle, gradually realizes of all the doors here, he's not sure which one he's looking for.

Knock on each 'till the right person answers? Sure. Sure, he can do that.

Comments

[69problems]

Miraculously the Signless is actually in his own district's rooms. He got most of his grieving done already on Hubert's floor and by now he's starting to feel a little like normal again. Normal enough that he can handle being on his own for a little while, anyway, though he knows if he needs to go back to Hubert the door is open.

He hears Roland knocking and asking for him long before the other man actually gets to his room. He stands and opens his own door, poking his head out into the hall.

"I'm here."

[ka_sera_sera]

Roland studies the head leaning out into the hall. He parts his lips, meaning to reply, then gets caught in wondering what exactly it is he means to accomplish in being here. Pick a goal, move toward it. He studies the horns atop that head as he thinks on the matter.

"I'd like to sit with you a while," he murmurs, then looks back to Signless's eyes. "If you're not-" A hand waves toward Signless's bedroom. "You're not busy right now, I don't think. I don't hear anyone inside." His voice is just a little flatter than usual, a little more absent. Roland's capable of phrasing that differently, of course, capable of giving a polite out if he'd rather decline, but it doesn't occur to Roland to do so until after he's said it. No matter.

[69problems]

"I'm not, no. You know my room is always open to you, Roland. Come in."

He stands back from the door to allow Roland to pass, studying his face, taking in the flat tone of his voice. Something is wrong, or at least more wrong than usual, but he won't push.

[ka_sera_sera]

"Is it?" He didn't know that, actually. "Good of you to say." He can't quite make that sentence sound like anything more than a polite nothing, can't make it sound genuine or warm, and doesn't try. He glances around the room, taking it in briefly, then sits on the edge of the bed and watches his hands dangle between his knees. "Would you sit close to me? I'm not angling for anything, I only need- I'd like to know there's someone close. Do you understand?"

[69problems]

"Of course."

He sits next to Roland on the bed, close enough that their thighs touch and he can lean his shoulder against the other man's. After a long moment, he says:

"Did you lose someone too?"

[ka_sera_sera]

"Too?" Roland lifts his head and looks at Signless. "I'm sorry, should have known. Haven't been watching you as I should've. This place does that, doesn't it? But even before- that's why she left before. Wanted to avoid this very thing. At least I think she must've."

He rubs a hand over his mouth. "I'm not explaining this well, I don't think. Would you like an explanation? Would it make much of a difference?"

[69problems]

"It might help you to talk through it," he points out gently. "It helped me a great deal. Don't worry about making sense, just say what you need to."

Sometimes, he knows, the important part is just getting that huge jumble of emotion out in some way. Spoken to a friend is usually the best method.

[ka_sera_sera]

He nods, familiar with the concept. "I've done the same for others. Not usually for myself, but I probably ought to. Keep from falling back to old habits. But it's so constant. And I'm so- Surely I've had my fill of grief."

He shakes his head, opens his mouth. Looks back at Signless. "If this were a story, I'd start at the beginning. I can't think that there's anything to say." It's something that troubles Roland, clearly. He leans against Signless, frowning, looking worried.

[69problems]

"You can't always be strong for other people. You have to take time for yourself too or holding up all that weight will kill you eventually." He knows this intimately; it's nearly killed him in his time here.

"It's hard to translate emotions like grief or anger into words. Maybe... maybe tell me about them. Who they were, why you miss them so. Why it hurts, not just that it hurts."

[ka_sera_sera]

"I know that." He closes his eyes, takes a breath, shakes his head at his knees. "I cry your pardon, Signless. No call for that. It's only, I know that quite well. It didn't kill me, but perhaps it might as well have. I'm trying, but I'm afraid it's getting difficult to feel. The grief.

"Have you met her? ...Susannah? Not sure, I think Karkat knew her."

[69problems]

"It's okay," he says softly. He understands all that grief and frustration, that bone-deep exhaustion that comes from feeling like it's never going to let up.

"You don't need to apologize. I'm trying to help you in the best way I know how and that won't always work for everyone. And no, I didn't know her. I knew of her, though."

[ka_sera_sera]

"Take the apology," he says tiredly. "I shouldn't take this out on you. I only wish-" Roland shakes his head again, restarts. "There must be some way to do this again and again without becoming hardened to it. I thought I'd found that before I came to this place, but now- That time was so much simpler. Easier, in a way. She ought to matter, though. She does matter. You have some experience with that, I take it, from the way you speak?"

[69problems]

He nods, sliding an arm around Roland's shoulders. Being held is nice, being held is comforting, being held reinforces that you're not alone. Right?

"My Disciple and Karkat are both gone. It's been... difficult." He sighs. "That's one of the cruelest parts of being here. You suffer so much and you die over and over and you see atrocities happen every day and eventually none of it really makes an impact on you anymore. It's still horrible and you still feel that pain but it's not novel, it's just one more thing on top of everything else."

[ka_sera_sera]

Roland nods, leans against Signless. On this Signless is thinking rightly, so far as Roland is concerned; the physical contact is exactly what Roland wanted and he welcomes it, moving his arm from between them to rest his hand on Signless's back. "At least in my world I had a goal. A path. Even when I was numbed to all of it I had something to keep going for. Going on for the sake of other people... That's much tricker. Especially in a place like this."

[69problems]

"I know exactly what you mean. On Alternia I had such a clear goal to work toward, something to devote my life to, and coming here took all of that and left me with almost nothing. I imagine it was the same for you."

Roland probably hasn't had to endure being told he was directly responsible for the horrible fates of everyone he cared for and the cause to which he devoted his life would up being a complete failure that helped no one at all, but it's close enough. It's still the same uncomfortable feeling of realizing that without that driving force, what are you?

"I'm still going for them, though. All of the people I've lost. Karkat spent so much time caring for me and forcing me to keep moving, and if -- if my Disciple could live the rest of her life in exile after I died and still keep believing and spreading our word then I can carry on without her too. The more people I lose here, the more I want to--" burn this whole fucking place to the ground and rebuild from the ground up "--keep going. It may help you to think of it that way?"

[ka_sera_sera]

"That must be all I've ever done." They haven't explained much about each other's lives, after all - Signless wouldn't be aware. "Don't know that I could do anything else." He speaks low and quiet, resigned to it, and runs a hand over his mouth. Thinks of Susannah, and takes a slow breath. In. And out. Leaves her behind.

There are always important matters afterward, and Roland has not yet decided if he considers this a good thing or a bad one. Nonetheless, he raises his head, tries to remind himself he's leaving her behind, and attends to them. "I do know something about losing a life's purpose." He studies Signless a moment, the slightly rusted gears of Roland's empathy turning against each other, because he hadn't known the man had been dealing with that particular issue, nor that Karkat had filled quite such an important role. "If there's anything I can do... I'd like to help you, if I can."

[69problems]

"Thank you," he says softly. It's not something he's still grappling with so much as something he's already come to terms with and buried, but it means a great deal that Roland understands.

He wants to say 'just stay, please don't leave too' but he knows that's not something Roland can exactly control.

"You've already been a great help just listening and staying with me. That's really all I need, and I'm here for you when it's what you need." He squeezes Roland's shoulder fondly. "We'll help each other through this."

fade soonish, or is there anything else they'd do?

[ka_sera_sera]

Roland nods, frowning and not entirely convinced but knowing that's all they can do, really. His mind is going to the same place, that what he really needs is for no one else to leave. He forces himself out of that ridiculous euphemism - what he needs is for no one else to die and stay dead. "She said she'd see me again," Roland finds himself saying. Feels odd, because he doesn't usually speak of his own deaths. Seems there's nothing to say about most of them. Except this one. "When I died. That we'd see each other again."

"She's always the last to leave." He tries to make a little more sense. "Or she was. The times before. I need you to remind me that she wasn't the last."

yea, i think this is about a good place to leave it

[69problems]

"She wasn't. You have others still. You have me. This time is different." He tightens his hold just a little in order to drive that home. He's still here and he's not going anywhere unless someone drags him away. Too many people here need him.

aaaaaand end

[ka_sera_sera]

"This time. Is different." He repeats it slowly, trying to break through the sense of unreality that comes over him when he tries to believe it. He looks over at Signless; the sight of him is different, certainly, from the endless cycles of death and loss that Susannah leaving for good has thrown his mind back into. Panem is its own endless cycle of the same, but the people are different, and their fates - they're not all set in stone. Not yet.

He concentrates on the color of Signless's skin, and his eyes. Concentrates on the sound of the two of them breathing. It is not quite enough, and so Roland slides his free hand over Signless's own, and links their fingers. He opens his mouth to speak and, after a slow breath, closes it again. He holds on.