Once we were two little boys from Brooklyn (Closed)

[tookthewheel]

Who| Bucky Barnes (MCU) and Steve Rogers
What| Steve wakes up from the Ship mini-arena with Bucky on guard
Where| Steve's room in D9
When| Backdated to the day after the Ship mini-arena
Warnings/Notes| I ain't got nothing yet except Bucky being a creeper

As soon as they had brought Steve back Bucky had slipped back into the District 9 quarters and to the man's room. By this point he had become a familiar point to the other residents, his frequent presence excused and expected so much he might as well have been assigned to this district in the first place rather than 1.

So it was easy to get inside, easy to shut the door and approach the bed and look at Steve's sleeping form, whole and uninjured as if he hadn't been anywhere at all. Easy then to slide down against the wall next to the bed and pulls his legs up to his chest, press his back to the flat surface so he can keep an eye on the man in the bed and the door both, all areas covered. A kitchen knife is hidden up his left sleeve where the metal arm will make any scanners attempting to find weapons useless and he's as prepared for anything as he can be in this place.

He hasn't slept, which isn't unusual, despite sparring for hours with the Widow and the other man sharing his original name the day before while Steve was fighting and dying. He sometimes feels how tired he is creeping in his limbs but steadfastly refuses to allow it to have its way despite how his head bows down towards his chest from time to time. The absence of his longer hair still feels strange when this happens, there's no sweep of it against his cheeks and neck anymore and he almost misses it because when he catches glimpses of himself in mirrors it's like James Barnes is staring back out at him, there in everything but his expression.

Dealing with those thoughts is a distraction and he needs to stay on guard, watching the door and Steve, waiting for him to wake. He's not sure what will happen when he does.

Comments

[aboveangrybees]

If there's one thing that Bucky should be glad about is that Steve is endlessly patient when it comes to his friend. He just wants Bucky to have a level of free will that the man still seems to be struggling with obtaining and he's willing to explain as much as Bucky needs from him to get him there.

"It's not right to expect punishment for something you didn't do wrong. Or even for actual wrongs. Not every wrong is going to get punished and not every right will be rewarded, sadly sometimes people reward wrongs and punish rights, it's an unfortunate truth," his voice is calm and at ease with explaining this.

He remembers what Natasha told him not that long ago. Words that haunt him and he feels he needs to set that straight finally. "I know you feel you failed me, but I'm your friend, not your master, I'm not going to deal out punishments, especially undeserved ones."

[tookthewheel]

He is glad about it. Beyond that he is grateful for it when he feels like he is continually failing to understand something that should, perhaps, be basic. Every programmed in instinct in him is jarred by this diversion from expected protocol.

But then he see's the problem as Steve points it out, he says friend and all he knows how to do is treat Steve like a commanding officer, like a handler -- the only relationship he knows in memory. He hadn't thought that was wrong since Barnes had been a sergeant in Steve's unit, subordinate to Captain America, he'd thought it would be right.

It's not the same thing.

"Then..." he looks at Steve, clearly with the curtain of hair to hide his face. "what should I do?" Bucky feels like he should do something, like he needs to do something.

[aboveangrybees]

He puts a hand on Bucky's shoulder, giving him a look of deep empathy. Steve really hates what Hydra did to this man before him. He only put off hunting them down to find Bucky, to make sure he was safe, after that point, he has every intention of holding true to his original promise. He won't stop 'til all of Hydra is dead or captured.

"Well, that's the hard part, because it's up to you, Buck," he gives the shoulder a comforting squeeze. "How about you stop over thinking it and just do the first thing that comes to mind - that's not Hydra programming. Pretty much how most people do it." Minus the programming part that is.

He gives him a sad smile, "Sorry, pal, but there's no manual for how to be you."

[tookthewheel]

If they ever get the opportunity to go back to the world they came from Bucky would be right beside Steve in doing that, burning Hydra down to the ground and salting the earth after they were done. He can feel deeply their claws are still sunk into body and mind, no matter how much he wishes to be away from them he is still so much what they designed him to be. Someone who has no idea how to be without orders.

"What would he do?" he said, registering the warm weight of Steve's hand on his shoulder. Bucky can deal with that touch so much more easily than that open look on the man's face, the one that says so much more than words ever can, so he turns his eyes to his hands instead. "The man I was."

Maybe he shouldn't have asked that. It's a question that's only going to serve to remind him of what he isn't anymore, like a ghost living in a dead mans body.

[aboveangrybees]

Yeah, part of Steve wishes Bucky hadn't asked that. He's not surprised by the question, but it's not one he wants to answer. He doesn't want Bucky trying to live up to the man he once was. There's no going back. Only forward.

He shakes his head, "Fret and be a pain in the ass, probably, though it doesn't matter what you'd have done in the past. This is about what you'd do now, not then."

Steve gives him a sympathetic look, "Only thing you can do is be you. Don't try to live up to the past, nothing good comes from that," his tone says he's had his own struggles with that.

[tookthewheel]

A frustrated sound breaks out of him before Bucky can register that he's going to do it, or restrain it. He looks surprised for a second before clamping down, his gaze lowering. It's no help at all, like he knew it wouldn't be because he doesn't know how to do that, even with being told.

It would be so much simpler if Steve would just tell him what to do.

... but then does he really want to go back to that life of blindly following, even with someone like Steve giving him the orders? No. This is him railing against something he can't help but perceive as a failure, no matter how many assurance he's given to the contrary. He is losing track of why he came here.

"I want," Want is such a monumental word, "to help you."

[aboveangrybees]

The second the word want crosses Bucky's lips, Steve feels his face lighting up with a smile, obviously pleased to hear such a word from his friend. At times, it's felt like pulling teeth to get this far and it's been worth it, every second. It probably wouldn't have matter what Bucky wanted to do, Steve would have made sure he had what he needed to accomplish whatever it was. So, he's a bit relieved it's something he can help him with.

"I think we can make that work," along with that smile, his voice carries his affection for the other man.

He pauses, figuring maybe he should help Bucky on what to do to help him exactly, "In fact, if you don't mind sticking around, I could use some company today?" A suggestion, an offer, but giving Bucky the chance to decide if he wants to or not.

Because it would be nice to have someone to just be there to keep his mind from wandering back to the phantom pains in his arm or the sneaking feeling of a chill along his skin. He's not the kind to talk about his feelings or what he's been through. Not really. Maybe one day Bucky will get that from him, but he knows the man is struggling with too much as it is.

[tookthewheel]

Relief drains some of the tension from his shoulders as he understands that he's chosen a correct avenue. It means he can do something useful for Steve, he needs to be useful so badly right now.

"Okay." Bucky nods, drinking in that smile on Steve's face as praise for making the right choice.

He can stay beside Steve as long as the other man wishes him to. The possibility of refusing the question doesn't even cross his mind. This is where he needs to be. "I'll stay."