thecapitol | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who| Hans and Starkiller
What| Starkiller leaves a note for Hans and they meet
Where| A bathroom
When| Presently
Warnings/Notes| N/A

It's been entirely too long since he's had any sort of interaction with Hans. Starkiller knows it's for the best, but that doesn't get rid of the ache he feels every time he thinks of Hans. He tries not to, but there are some days where it's harder than others, especially as time goes on and on. How long has it been since they've seen each other? A month? After all the time they'd spent together before he became an avox, it feels like a lifetime to Starkiller. Eventually it reaches the point where Starkiller has to at least check up on him.

He has to be careful about it, though. He's risked it with Kota and with Anna, but those are people he doesn't cares so much if they get in trouble. Hans is a different story entirely. When he gets laundry duty, he realizes that it's a good time to do it. He can slip a note in Hans's pants pocket and no one will ever realize it. It's as good an opportunity as any, and if it fails then at least he'll have tried and can find some other way to do it in the future. Or take it as a sign, which is a definite possibility when the Capitol drugging makes the idea of this terrifying.

But he's resisting, and when the time comes, he leaves the note in Hans's pants pocket like he intended.

Meet me in the District 12 suites. The empty room. Third door down the hall. Bathroom. 8 PM. I'll be there every day until you show.

It isn't the most detailed note, and he doesn't sign his name. He picks District 12 because it's a district neither of them are affiliated with. If Hans was seen in his district, or vice versa, it might seem strange. He wishes he could tip off Hans that it's him, but even what he wrote feels like too much. Still, the thought of seeing Hans is as exciting as it is scary, which says a lot about how exciting it is because it's completely and utterly terrifying.

True to his note, Starkiller will be in that bathroom every evening in the hopes that Hans will finally show up.

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The first night that Hans doesn't show up is pretty disappointing, but Starkiller reminds himself that the chance of him finding the note in a specific pair of pants in a timely manner is pretty slim. So he doesn't let his disappointment get to him too much. The fear of someone descending upon him and punishing him is very real, but he keeps close enough tabs on Hans to know that the man isn't in any danger.

When Hans does show, however, the surprise and relief is so extreme that it's hard not to descend upon him and do all of the things he knows he can't. The fear he feels just thinking about it is enough to make him want to leave quickly, but he resists. He shuffles the pen and paper he's brought along for communication in his hands as Hans speaks, and he lets a smile toy at his lips. Leave it to Hans to have a solid excuse to be in here. 'Solid'.

Even the little joke is a little more amusing to him than it ordinarily would be, coming from Hans. He's missed him terribly. After a moment, he scrawls out a note on the pen and paper, and holds it out for Hans to see.

It's good to see you.

Likewise, it's difficult for Hans not to reach out for Starkiller once it's obvious what his intentions are. Maybe his sensations aren't so genuine, but there's something sincere he's feeling in his eagerness. Like he's happy to find a dollar wedged in a mattress or he's realised that someone hasn't finished the last of his ice cream. It's a small victory and a content feeling he gets from seeing Starkiller and from knowing that the man still thinks about him.

When he moves to read the note, a smile quirks at his lips and he gives Starkiller what amounts to a look of adoration, though he keeps his distance from him all the while.

"I've missed you so much." He keeps his voice as low as possible, the sing-songy lilt deflating now that he isn't playing up the fact that he's here for a reason. His brows furrow a little and his eyes bore into Starkiller's worriedly. "Is everything alright?"

The way in which Hans looks at him makes Starkiller's heart hurt in a way that he didn't think was possible. He's had chest pains before, but it's almost as if the very essence of sad and lonely is gripping at him and trying to tear it from his chest. It's nice to know that Hans has been missing him, too, but he knows there's nothing that can be done. He tries to keep the pain off his face while at the same time trying not to resist the urge to do something he knows he shouldn't.

If he could speak. Say everything he wants to. That would be one thing. But he's an avox, and Hans doesn't deserve getting caught up in something like that with an avox. It's already bad enough that he's putting him in this position right now, but anymore than that would be too selfish of him.

Everything is fine.

No it isn't.

I just wanted to see how you were doing. His hands aren't the steadiest, both from the dread he feels at communicating at all, but all of the emotions he can't actually express.

Have you been well? There's a pause, as he tries to figure out if he wants to bring Anna up. He's been so curious about why Anna's opinion of Hans has suddenly changed, he just wants to make sure she isn't bothering him. After a moment, he finally tries to bring it up discreetly. No one is giving you any trouble, are they?

One would think that by now, Hans would just cut Starkiller off entirely. He isn't precisely being useful, what with being unable to communicate and unable to be present when Hans needs him. He managed to get accosted by all three of the Arendelle idiots with absolutely no cover and nobody to turn to. It's infuriating, but he can't bring himself to cut ties, not when his friends are becoming fewer and further between.

He can see the hurt in Starkiller's expression and for once, he doesn't feel entirely numb. Mostly, but not entirely. There's a dull ache in there somewhere, but its born from feeling defeated and lonely. Something he feels when they're together has him coming back for more despite knowing the danger behind it, but he's as stubborn as he is cunning and overconfident.

His expression softens when Starkiller's hands shake and he's reminded of the lengths the avox is going to just for him. Though Hans is intuitively selfish, he's also driven to be compassionate and caring. His hands reach out as subtly as he can manage to ghost over the back of Starkiller's to steady them before he pulls away.

"I'm.. fine." He needs to inhale before he gets the last word out. "You could hardly expect me to complain to you, could you?" He can't help looking visibly worried when Starkiller discreetly interrogates him, its too suspicious not to be related to recent events. He fiddles with the cuff of his jacket with his finger, debating how honest he should be. He can't afford to mince words, but he doesn't want to make it too obvious that he's being troubled. "Things are different now. Anna... You were right about Anna."

Starkiller tenses up as Hans's hands ghost over his. It feels so conflictingly good and bad all at once. On one hand, it's nice to feel the touch of someone else, after being so damn lonely for so long. But on the other, he's been conditioned to shy away from contact with anyone. Despite that, he's trying his hardest not to let it get to him, so that he doesn't run away like he did the last time the two of them had a meeting.

When Hans speaks, he isn't convinced. There was hesitation there, and immediately he assumes that it's Anna's fault. If she's causing trouble for him, then Starkiller is going to be angry.

But when Hans says the last part, suddenly he swells with vindication. He'd kept saying over and over how much of a hazard Anna was and that it's a mistake for Hans to be with her, and yet he never listened. He isn't even annoyed with Hans for not listening- all that matters now is Hans agrees.

He's perhaps a little too eager when he writes again. I told you she was bad for you. Sorry, he can't resist the I Told You So. I'm sorry she's back. If I can do anything, don't hesitate to ask.

Starkiller is in a position where he could quite easily poison her drink. Not that he's offering that exactly, but still. He can get things done.

Personally, Hans has never been much for physical affection as a form of comfort. Though honestly, if he's low to the point of needing comfort, there's not a lot anyone could care to do for him anyway. He hasn't felt like that in a good long while, at least. However, he knows well enough what a brush against the skin can do for a person, what sort of feelings it can inspire. He gets a little tickle of pleasure just knowing that.

Hans narrows his eyes at the eager pace Starkiller chooses to write with, not resisting the urge to roll his eyes at him, though an affection smile creeps back onto his face.

"I think you know as well as I do that we need to make our own mistakes before we learn from them." Perhaps he's a little cruel to say that, but he hasn't been feeling as sweet as he generally does. Some of the bitterness is slipping through the cracks, lately. "You don't understand." He shakes his head, not interested in striking up a vendetta between the two of them and the three of the others. "If you did, you might not feel so fondly about me." He shuts his eyes and turns his head away, as if he's ashamed to look at Starkiller right now.

It's going to come to light sooner or later, if he can be the one to tell Starkiller in his own words, the blow won't be so powerful. At the very least, Starkiller can't tell anyone.

From years of being Darth Vader's apprentice, Starkiller is used to cruel words and harsh realities, so when Hans says what he does, it barely registers as anything like that. It's the truth, simple as that, and there are harsher ones out there. Would he undo what he did? No. But it was a mistake, despite that.

Starkiller's brows furrow a little, concern welling up in his stomach along with the fear and anxiety. He really doesn't understand where this is coming from, but he wants to assure Hans that there's nothing that could turn him against him, least of all if Anna is involved. He's been trying desperately not to do anything overly affectionate, simply because he doesn't want to send a lot of mixed signals. Nothing can happen between them. He's an avox and Hans isn't.

But he needs more than words to convey this. He lifts his hand and reaches out, placing it on Hans's cheek. There's a fierce loyalty in his eyes when he looks at Hans, telling him without words that he's not going to stop feeling the way he does. It's an intimate gesture that he isn't used to, but for as lonely as he is and how how many strong emotions he's feeling, it just comes naturally to him.

After a moment, he lowers his hand, because despite everything, avox conditioning is strong and he can only fight it so long before his body starts betraying him. With shaky hands, he writes again.

You can tell me anything. It won't change a thing.

It's a simple gesture, but the feeling behind it is powerful. Hans wishes he were more in his element, but so much about this is foreign to him. Normally it would be him initiating contact, begging for trust with his eyes and subtle movements. It feels strange for it to be played back on him, he can barely bring himself to meet Starkiller's eyes. This is what he wanted, he needed someone who trusted him absolutely, who would stick around when foundations started to crumble. He just wasn't quite prepared to offer them the same trust in return.

When he finally returns the look, there's a bit of faint surprise in his expression and it's followed by a small smile. His stomach is twisting and turning from feelings he doesn't understand, he's not used to feeling quite so conflicted. He draws in a breath and lets it out slowly as Starkiller writes, ignoring the tiny ache it gives him to see it.

"I'm not a good person." He begins, keeping his voice and resolve behind it steady, though he makes sure to look guilty. "Everything I had with Anna, with Elsa even, it was for power. I needed an out from my life, so I used Anna's naivete against her." He doesn't blurt anything out, it's all said carefully with a measured tone. "I didn't account for Elsa's ice powers, she didn't take well to the idea of a marriage and she very nearly killed Anna and sunk the Kingdom into eternal winter." He gives him one of those you were right looks. "People were suffering responsibility of the Kingdom was in my hands and I made the choice to abandon Anna to execute Elsa. It didn't go in my favour, as I'm sure you can imagine." He gives him a wry smile. "I couldn't very well push them away here without being suspicious. And if I could just help them as best I could- I suppose I thought it would be a chance to redeem myself." He gives his shoulders a small shrug. "So I think some things have changed."

When Hans finally speaks after such a build up, Starkiller could laugh if he actually had it in him to do so. He isn't a good person - it feels incredibly anti climactic. Starkiller doesn't believe there are many good people in the world, everyone tends to want specific things and will do a lot to get them. Hans is no different, as far as he's concerned, but that doesn't make him a bad person. Just the same as everyone else and to Starkiller that isn't a bad thing. It just... is what it is.

As the man continues, Starkiller's opinion truly doesn't change. From a little kid, Starkiller's been raised with the sole intention of one day helping Darth Vader take on Emperor Palpatine so the two of them could rule the galaxy together. Of course that turned out to be a lie on Vader's part, but it doesn't change the fact that Starkiller isn't a stranger to wanting power and doing what it takes to achieve that power. He's killed, lied and cheated in the quest to obtain it, and this doesn't strike him as something to condemn Hans for.

It's the mention of redeeming himself, if anything, that has his expression changing a little, shifting into one of slight confusion. In Starkiller's opinion, it isn't as if Hans did anything that particularly needs redeeming for. He tried for power, failed, and that's that. Is it really something one needs to try and redeem themselves for? If he felt the need to do that for everything he's done in life, then it would eat him alive. But he doesn't- if anything, he's accepted that he'd been played and come to terms with it, because in those moments he did what he had to do, what he was meant to do.

This whole thing, in his opinion, is just a little ridiculous. Perhaps Hans is afraid Starkiller will judge him simply because he's defied the Capitol, but that's different. Starkiller isn't a stranger to politics, and while he disagrees with the methods here, his biggest motivation behind that is simply to get out from under the iron fist of the Capitol. To tell the truth, if he could live his life free and not worry about being at their whims, he might not be so adamant about defying them. It's a pride thing, plain and simple. So his feelings towards Hans are no different than they were before this little confession.Starkiller begins writing almost immediately after Hans is finished speaking.

It changes nothing between you and I.

He holds that up, so that Hans can see it first and foremost.

I don't entirely agree with the idea that you must redeem yourself for it, either. But those are your feelings and I won't force my opinions onto you. If things have changed for you now that people know the truth, then at least now you know who your true allies are. I'm sure things aren't entirely as grim as you think they are.

Starkiller hopes there's something comforting in his words, because he's trying here. It's hard to be comforting through text, when you can't very well say or do much without a feeling of dread gripping you. It's only through his own iron will that he's even doing this in the first place.

At least you can be free of them now. If they become too much trouble, then I'm sure we could find a way to take care of that.

Yes, he means exactly what he's implying.

From what little Hans knows of Starkiller, he knows his morals are objective. He certainly didn't start out as a nice person, Hans isn't sure he'd think of him like that now either. Yet, something about him seems a little different lately. Not just from Avoxing, but in their private moments and in seeing him around the Arena, it's as if his motivations have shifted somewhat. Hans knows he'll never really have to worry about black and white morality from him, but it would do him no favors to suddenly flip from being sweet and concerned to aloof and detached from the situation. He wants to be the victim here, he wants to be the one who sees the error of his own way and strives to fix it. He can't have the clean record he came in with, but the beauty of this place is that he is far from the only murderer here.

The relief he feels just from admitting it is strange, like a small boost of adrenaline. It feels satisfying to get something so unpleasant out of the way, even more so when it is shown that Starkiller holds no judgement for it and no suspicion that he's being played himself. He does wonder how he feels sometime, Hans does little to hide his involvement in the Capitol, but it's practically unavoidable given that he's a mentor. They're playing the game different ways, even if their goals are essentially the same. He hopes to show Starkiller that his methods are more efficient, if he makes it through so far with him.

It's funny, he doesn't often form attachment, but he's attached to the idea of having Starkiller around. Perhaps less for the man himself, but he provides something that Hans desperately misses right now. He certainly feels less human without him, his relationships outside of this are entirely superficial and he spends a good deal of his time alone or with people he doesn't care to know. Such simple words communicated from the other man are enough to make something in him twist and he's not sure if he feels cold or warmth for him anymore. As he continues to write, the twisting feelings only get harsher and more prominent and it's difficult not to look somewhat uncomfortable.

When he finishes, his loyalty to Hans could not be more apparent. His willingness to protect and appease him isn't an expression he's really felt from anyone before, but it clarifies that little feeling he gets for the other man that he could never properly identify.

Desire. Absolutely. He could curse himself for letting it happen, he needs to wonder whether it's worth the attachment to keep Starkiller around. He could hinder him more than help, but Hans is utterly drawn to the devotion he's been shown time and time again from him. More than anything, he wants power, but he wants acknowledgment and to be noticed and attended to as much as anything. It scares him to think that he might be building real affection, but he wants it all the same. He wants to be held and kissed and he wants to experience all of those things and more in time. He never wanted a life devoid of them, but they were never a necessity. It simply feels as if now more than ever they'd do a world of good when he feels the measured distance he puts between himself and everyone more strongly than he had before.

The uncertainty may be apparent in his eyes for a long time before he breaks into a smile, a small laugh escaping his lips as he resists the urge to initiate contact between them again. His eyes linger on Starkiller's lips for a moment at least, willingly letting him know what he's considering before he relents and lets his head move forward to bump against his chest. It will be brief, he knows, but the comfort he feels from it is intense. It's certainly a point of safety, Starkiller makes for an intimidating presence, but a solid one at the very least.

"Thank you." He murmurs, pulling back again to look up at Starkiller's face. His eyes are lit with gratitude and he smiles warmly at the other man, affection apparent in his expression.

Starkiller has never been the best at reading people, never having been around them enough in his life to really get an idea of what they could be thinking, or feeling. He can read them in a fight, but in a normal setting? It's truly difficult. He'd been getting better at it, before becoming and Avox. But now, being unable to be around them in such a capacity he finds himself slipping back into being unable to get a read on anyone. This is especially frustrating right now, when he can't get an idea of what Hans is thinking.

But there's something about the way he's looking at him so intently that makes Starkiller feel... strange. His heart picks up a little, but it's not the fear doing that. It's some sort of inexplicable feeling, like his body is responding on a basic instinctual level that he just can't comprehend. But he finds it better than fear, even if he doesn't necessarily know what it means. All he knows is that he's wishing that the two of them could have more time together, but he knows that this conversation is simmering down to an end and he just doesn't want it to.

It's when Hans finally speaks that he knows it's really over. They can't really justify staying in here together any longer. If they do, he'll be tempted to do things he shouldn't, and he just can't bring himself to do that. Not in this state, not when he can't speak. Not when every little thing just makes him terrified and he fights the urge to flee at any given moment when he interacts with people in any capacity more than just taking orders.

So it's with reluctance that he gives a nod of acknowledgement to Hans, before pressing the pen to the paper so he can write, Any time. Now we should probably leave. It's been too long already, we might rouse suspicion.. It's difficult not to appear reluctant, but he's trying to hide it nonetheless.

Though Hans is talented at reading most people, he's noticed Avoxes throw him a little. He hadn't expected Starkiller to dash off after being kissed before, otherwise he might have restrained himself a little more from it. It had been terribly embarrassing for him, mortifying even, but it was hard to reflect much on it while he's with Starkiller again. He'd much rather focus on the feeling of satisfaction he's coming away with, even if it's a fight for him not to try initiate a kiss as well.

He lets out a soft laugh, it's barely an exhale followed by a slightly wider smile. He keeps his hands to himself, not daring to allow a touch when he can't promise he'll be able to stop himself. Once he reads what Starkiller writes, he nods and circles around him to the door, keeping as close as he can without touching him.

A hand reaches out for the doorknob, but he needs to pause and give Starkiller a lingering stare. "It was good to see you again." He murmurs, pulling open the door and slipping through as if he had every proper reason to be there.

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