To Find the Peace Within the Combat That We're Standing [Closed]

[celebrityskinned]

WHO| Venus and Kankri
WHAT| Kankri has PTSD and Venus skips her meds.
WHEN| The first night Venus is back in D5, before the D3 announcement.
WHERE| Venus' room.
WARNINGS| Mental illness and medication use. Potential flashbacks to gore.

She shouldn't skip her sleeping medication, and yet when Kankri asks her if he can spend the night feeling protected, she makes the decision to hide the pills under her tongue and spit them into the sink. If the Avox that's supposed to deliver it to her notices, he doesn't show any indication. He simply walks back down the hall with the silver tray and tiny plastic cup of water.

She wants to be alert, wants to be that competent and vaunted protector that Kankri believes her to be in spite of everything. As such, she'll take a sluggish morning and the odd nightmare tonight; she'll rearrange her schedule tomorrow so she still hits the gym appropriately.

She wraps Kankri up in a sleeping bag and sleeps beside him, back to back, although she doesn't rest as deeply as she should. By about four a.m. she's no longer conscious, at least not by any traditional understanding of the word, but she isn't dreaming either. Her thoughts melt into each other, rolling down plains and into valleys of words and images, and she surfaces every once in a while when there's a bump in the hall, but never enough to really register what's happening around her. The Arena has left her exhausted, and she doesn't have the energy for the vigilant half-sleep that lets her leap into action before her brain even wakes up, but she manages to not lose sight of the real world entirely.

Comments

yeah uh gore warning for Kankri's nightmare

[privilegecheck]

Kankri dreams, too. But after two Arenas, his sleep is no longer any kind of restful. Even with Venus there beside him, he tosses and turns fitfully, memories of his terror blending together with his subconscious fears.

He's back in the Arena, and his stomach is a black hole, eating him alive. He can see the empty space expanding through his abdomen. He has to find something to satiate it.

He finds a dog's carcass and tears into it with claws and teeth, gnawing hungrily, tearing off strips of meat as if he can't swallow them down fast enough. Then he realizes the lump of meat is screaming. He looks up and it's not a dog. He's ripping Venus's friend Ellie apart, and he tries to recoil in horror, but instead he just keeps eating his way through her and she won't stop screaming and it's still not enough-

He doesn't realize he's woken up at first because there are still screams echoing in his ears. Then he realizes it's him that's shrieking in terror.

[celebrityskinned]

It yanks Venus awake like a fish on a line pulled from the water. Within moments she's sitting up, one hand to Kankri's shoulder and the other to his face.

"Kankri, wake up! Wake up, it's okay, you're safe!" She shakes his shoulder slightly, trying to revive him without startling him further. He twists in her arms, kicks at her.

Screaming at night isn't unusual in the Tribute Center, but for the most part District Five isn't visited by these nightly revenants. Venus' room in particular tends to be marked by snoring instead. An Avox knocks, and she calls out that everything's alright, and hopes that the heads poking out of bedrooms down the hall are receding.

[privilegecheck]

"It isn't safe, it isn't safe, I have to- have to hide- they're going to hurt-"

At some point he's aware that he's awake but somehow there's still the same danger, and he goes on screaming and flailing for another few minutes, fighting as Venus tries to keep him from hurting himself by throwing himself into the furniture, seeking a hiding place without really knowing what he's doing.

He settles at last and starts crying, holding on to Venus so tightly that his claws dig in a little. "Sorry," he whispers into her shoulder. "I don't know why - I'm not in the Arena anymore, but I was so scared then that I don't...it just won't go away."

[celebrityskinned]

She manages to get the sheet wrapped around Kankri, which she's sure is just scaring him more but at least keeping him from scratching her eyes out in panic. With him safely burritoed, bar his claws digging into her side, she can focus now on soothing the present, rather than hypothetical, hurt.

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay." She doesn't even wince as his claws leave marks. Instead she reaches up and pets his hair, as she is wont to do when he's in need of comfort.

"We all have them. It's okay."

[privilegecheck]

He leans into her, breathing in hysterical little gasps. Her touch is calming. He's so glad he has a moirail; without her, he simply doesn't know how he could bear this.

"It's not okay," he mumbles. "It's not. But it's better when you're here."

He snuffles slightly, letting go of her with one arm to rub at his eyes. "Is this just going to...to keep happening, forever?"

[celebrityskinned]

She takes his head under her chin, settling against the head board. Her thigh's going numb under his weight but she's alright ignoring that.

She wants to say he's wrong, that someday he'll sleep in blissful peace. But she doesn't know that he ever will. She still needs medicine to do it. "Less and less. It won't happen as often."

[privilegecheck]

"But the Arenas will keep happening," he says softly. "This one was so much worse than last time, Venus. What if it's even worse next time?"

[celebrityskinned]

It really was the worst Arena she's been a part of. Not that they've ever been particularly hard on her, but they're growing worse as she comes to have actual stakes.

"Next time I'll find you and protect you. I promise." She exhales into his hair. "I fucked up last time. I won't again."

[privilegecheck]

"It wasn't your fault. No one could see in that fog, and I was trying to hide. I wasn't...really myself for most of it anyway." He nuzzles against her throat. "That was the worst part, I think. That whatever I was consuming was able to get in my head and make me betray the values I hold dear. If I hadn't been avoiding people, I might have been trying to kill them. It feels...violating, intensely so."

[celebrityskinned]

She doesn't say anything for a little while, instead rubbing his hair, his back. He's so small, she thinks. Nearly delicate, as if he's made of glass or sugar.

She knows a thing or two about being violated like that. She doesn't want to think what would have happened had she been eating Arena food.

"But you didn't. You can't beat yourself up for the things you might have done. Maybe it'll help, to pretend it was someone else in there..."

[privilegecheck]

"It wasn't," he says, quiet and exhausted. "I know it wasn't me as I am. But it still was my body being used for it, and I couldn't even be upset about it. It's awful."

[celebrityskinned]

She wants to tell him that she won't let that happen to him again, that he's safe now, with her, in the Capitol, that she'll keep him safe throughout the next Arena and the one after that.

"I'm going to get you to the end next time, okay?" Or die trying. She's made a good career out of the latter, it seems. "Just- trust me."

[privilegecheck]

"I do trust you," he replies without any hesitation. "I just don't trust the people running this to let that happen."

[celebrityskinned]

She wants to say that the Capitol doesn't have it out for her more than any other Tribute. She wants to say that they never put a cuff on her, despite her associations, because she so pleasantly and willingly plays the game for them.

"Do you trust I know what I'm doing in front of a camera?"