thecapitol | To the leader, the pariah, the victor, the messiah

Entry tags:

To the leader, the pariah, the victor, the messiah

Who| District 3 Tributes, Mentors, and anyone else who has cause to be there
What| Mingling in the wake of Cecil's news broadcast
Where| District 3 Suites common area
When| After Cecil's post, all evening
Warnings/Notes| This is a mingle log and will lend itself to threadhopping, which I hope is ok. Mention of depression. Discussion of mass murder and genocide is probably gonna turn up in here. Other warnings/notes as needed.

He's only been awake for a day.

A solid day of doing nothing but sleep and wallowing in a different illness altogether than had infected the Capitol. A solid day of that ugly beast Depression that, in the wake of murdering so many directly in the arena - two he didn't know, Enjolras, Hilda, Gott, he'd killed her... - sits heavy on his chest and doesn't allow him to do much of anything besides visit the lavatory. Frankly, he'd only turned on the news by accident; he'd been attempting to make the windows that overlooked the Capitol below tint darker and cast his entire room in shadow. It was on just in time to catch Cecil's smooth voice over pirated airwaves, a hard edge to his usually flightly and inane cadence.

District 3 was gone.

And dour as he is, suspicious thoughts weave into his mind. He doesn't believe for a moment that this is because of any plague, as bad as tuberculosis is. It couldn't have spread that fast, not with them quarantining themselves like that if Cecil is to be believed (and it's too serious not to believe.) No. This is another message. Because of Ian, because of his own post, because of Eponine's very public tantrum and Starkiller's blackout in the arena, both of which he's heard mention of by now as the tv switches from program to program in the ticking of minutes and his checks on his phone of old network logs. Jessica was made to behave this way before, why wouldn't they think it would work again?

All those people...

He feels sick, but he can't imagine he's the only one, not after this news.

Gathering his wits, Albert mechanically goes through a shower and dresses himself before stepping into the common area, wary of the Capitol microphones and cameras that may be recording them but needing to discuss, needing to find out where everyone else is both literally and emotionally, and needing to help as best he can. A help which starts with copious amounts of tea, not that he imagines it will be terribly calming in this situation, but any port in a storm.

---

When the other tributes come out to the common area, there is a large tray with a steaming pot of tea and mugs enough for everyone that lives in the D3 suites, including those Albert hasn't met personally. The German has placed himself in a chair and looks gaunt and sleepless despite having slept for quite some time, but his eyes are alert and he responds readily to anyone who comes to talk to him, though he's also ready to approach others if it looks like they're going to do something particularly inadvisable.

Of course, it's hard to tell with his stoic face that he may be thinking of the inadvisable himself.

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It does hurt. It hurts a lot. But this isn't the kind of hurt that she can talk about. Not here, where they're bound to be monitoring everything they say and do in the wake of this tragedy.

"I don't want to talk about it right now. It's too soon." She hopes that Meulin understands. Right now, it's enough that she cares to be there. It's enough to have the physical comfort of her moirail around.

"Are you okay?" she asks, shifting the topic away from herself for the time being. "I couldn't find you in the arena, I don't know what happened in there."

She knows they can't talk right now. Not about the things that matter. So she squeezes Terezi's hand again and leaves them here, loosely twined together. It's not as if she can makes this all go away.

"Later then, we'll talk more."

At her last question though, Disciple shrugs. The events in there--they were strange. She can see them now with a layer of perspective and vague regret, like a veil over the whole mess. She's seen herself covered in slime, beating a spider to death. Seen herself dead and with vines crawling the walls. It's a strange dichotomy, her arena.

"Well. Do you want the long or short version? The highlights would probably be easiest."

"Whichever you feel like telling." Terezi isn't any stranger to having a reluctance to talk about the things that happen in the arena. She leans her shoulder against Meulin's, hoping the gesture makes her a little more comfortable in return. The new sort of intimacy is weird for her...but it feels nice.

"If the highlights are easier, I can get any important details later."

"Well--Almost fell in a hole, murdered a giant spiderbeast type thing with some human named Ian?" She ticks them off on her fingers. The contact is comforting, makes things easier.

"I met your--that one from the recent thing with friends coming? I guess she's here now too. Vriska, that's it. She thought I was Nepeta for a moment which seems to be happen a lot."

She pauses, taking a deep breath as she gathers up the presence of mind to continue. It's not that she thinks Terezi will be angry, but they are still so new that it feels like it hurt. The whole things still hurts in a way, she feels the phantom pains and the sudden guilt stabbing at her chest when she realized what she'd done. Who was missing.

"I lost my leg to one of those daywalker faceless...things. The Initiate tried to save me--well I mean. He did. For a while. Helped me back to his safe place, tried to burn the wound shut."

Here she shudders and her voice goes high but soft, "Do you know how they did it to him? Signless--they strung him up in burning irons. I didn't realize until he started and...He was trying so hard to help. I don't really get it, he didn't have to. I don't think you would have been mad, if he'd left for a lost cause. And he tried and tried and finally I had bled too much and it was going to end anyways."

And at some point this started going from highlights to rambles and she hates herself for taking what she wanted to do--calm Terezi about the horrible things--and make it all about her. But it won't stop, until she confesses all the sick feelings.

"And he told me to come back and he was just--pitiful. All broken up, not used to trying and to see it fail and I was half mad from whatever there was in that arena and half dead and I patted his cheek just before he broke my neck. I'm sorry--I am, I didn't mean...And I come back to Psiionic gone --I apologized to him but I..."

At some point she'd pulled back in on herself, pulled away, ready for that stupid moment to cause some rift. She's still not sure how she feels about him, their talk after the arena didn't clear anything up. She doesn't want to feel anything, not hate or pity or anything, not to him. So, she won't.

Terezi listens silently as she takes it all in. She knew...a little bit about Fraysong helping her. It's nice to have the confirmation, just to make sure. He was so guilty about it, she didn't know what Meulin might think about the things that had gone down. But it's a relief to know that neither of them are mad about the event.

She's not sure what to say about the pap. She barely has time to process it before the mention of the Psiionic being gone, which makes her wince. She didn't want to believe that would be true. She'd Seen it, but she hadn't told Fraysong. And now... He's going to be so upset. There's no way that he won't be, and she's a little scared of that. Not for her own safety, but because she won't know what to say to him.

But she needs to focus. Meulin is here, right in front of her. One problem at a time.

If she's expecting an argument, she won't find one from Terezi. Instead, the tealblood takes her hands again, holding them firmly but gently. If Meulin wants to pull away again, she can, but Terezi isn't letting go for now.

"It's ok. I don't... I mean. I'm not mad." She hopes that might be what her moirail is getting so defensive about. It was a little pale, but... She honestly can't blame her. If Terezi is being really really honest with herself, her relationship with Fraysong isn't strictly ashen, either. He needs all the help and kindness he can get. He deserves it, after how little he's been shown in his life.

"...Thank you. For all of that." She pauses, then adds quickly: "Not the dying part, but just... Talking to him. Trusting him. It really means a lot to me."

She doesn't mention the promise she half made, after the apology. She doesn't want to, won't ever, not to any moirail. It's something she hates herself for as much as she understands why she didn't reject it outright. Wanting to be better is something she understands.

She raises her eyes, listens and shakes her head hard. She doesn't know if she's doing it for Terezi or that selfish part of her that wants proof her life goals weren't nothing. That any troll can really become better. Or that she wonders what changed between lives. Something and everything, all of it and none of it.

"I just don't want there...to be secrets? I know it's hard enough that I have Signless and going around papping someone else, even once, it's not really right. I wanted to catch you, tell you, before you saw or heard. I trust you, I want you to trust me."

She pauses, "I think we're more and less alike than we both think. He and Signless fought--you'll...whenever you're up to it. Ash.." She gestures, helpless for a moment in the face of all the things they're asking Terezi to deal with all of a sudden.

The mention of Signless and Fraysong isn't one that she expected. She stares blankly for a moment before her expression seems to catch up with her thoughts, and she nods. "I'll talk to them. Don't worry." It's her job, it's what she signed up for. They fight; she fixes it. She sounds a little tired when she says that, though.

She's only just barely made it back, and nothing has been good. This must have been what she Saw in her visions back in the arena. She feels tired and drawn thin already, but... She's sure that there's still something left in her for this. She just has to collect herself. One thing at a time.

"And... I do trust you." She puts a little more sincerity in her voice, forcing the gentleness so that she's sure Meulin can hear it. Because she means it, but she's not sure how to convey that in a way that her moirail will understand. "I didn't think that it was like that... with you and Fraysong. Things got... muddled up in there with the hot air and the sickness. I did some things that might have seemed weird, too..." Like kissing Fraysong's hand like she did. Thinking back on that after being out here with a clearer head, she's not sure what she was trying to convey there. She's uncomfortably aware that she wouldn't have made the same gesture with Signless, so that's a warning in her own mind.

"If you're not mad at me, then I'm not mad at you. We can put it behind us."

"I'm sorry, I know it's a lot. It keeps piling up."

Maybe that's why she didn't want to talk about t. Why she had to, one thing to get out of the way in this mess of emotions and feelings and death. She wants her moirail to have time to breath but everything keeps coming.

"I mean--I'm not mad at you." She blinks, after Signless came back she spent less time watching. She's not even really sure what Terezi means but she must have missed something. The coverage, it's a lot to deal with. So much to cover and so much to decide between.

She catches her hand tight again, squeezes, lets out a breath.

"They fought about--they knew each other before I knew him, a long time ago and they were idiots about it, the both of them. Signless was...angry, violent, harsh. Not like he is even when he's really angry. You might want to watch it, if it comes back."

She shakes her head, suddenly remembering the last time she saw Signless angry.

"I was worried about you because of all the recent things. I didn't get to see much of you in the Arena. I know you and the Initiate found each other at some point but I spent a decent amount of time trying to keep Signless together here. I missed much I suppose."

Oh. She hasn't even seen the footage of what happened between them. Terezi fidgets in her seat self consciously.

"It wasn't much... He just. Called me ashleaf." Dear ashleaf, to be precise, but she can't get that first part past her lips without blushing. "I didn't know what to say back, so I...kissed his hand."

Her ears feel like they're burning, and she wouldn't be surprised if Meulin could feel the heat off of them. "I didn't know what else to do! ...Was that okay? I don't know what or...how this quadrant is supposed to work. What things are you supposed to say to an ashmate?" Because honestly its hard to think of any affection she could express equally to both of them.

"I can talk to them and listen, but... its supposed to be more than just that, right?"

She has to pause. Oh, that's...She sits her hand on her chin, thinking that over. It confirms her thoughts, the vague ones where she wonders what exactly is there, that it's something different from ashen. That ashen is a step perhaps or a thing Terezi raised herself into. She disregards that weird feeling for the moment. It's not exactly the time or place to ask Terezi about that the indigo.

"It's not very ashen, I think, but I don't think it'll harm it," she waves her hand, "You did well enough with Initiate and I? Even if it's not as vitriolic. Perhaps get them to talk, with you there to mediate? So nothing goes too far."

The space between her eyebrows wrinkle, "I wouldn't ask Signless to draw with him though. He's not...great at that. Honestly, I think you're pushing yourself to make this perfect serendipity. It won't last forever, if it goes well. They won't need you to be their third if they can get past things."

It's true. If she does this right, then they won't actually need her to be their ashmate. It's not a real auspistice... so maybe she's trying too hard. But even as she tries to consider that possibility, there's part of her that refuses to back off. If she doesn't give this her all, and it ends up failing, then she's going to regret not doing as much as she could.

"It's not serendipity, but I have to do this. I have to put everything I have into it. It's not perfect, but they're counting on me to help them. I have to do this right."

She can't emphasize that enough. She doesn't want this to fail. She doesn't want this to be for nothing. She doesn't want to disappoint them.

"I was going to sit them down together. Just to talk, after I managed to figure out what went on between them. I wanted to... have their moirails there with them. Just in case." But that's not going to happen anymore.

"You have to do this right, that's right."

She allows that, then shifts her head to look Terezi in the eye.

"But you're allowed to make mistakes. You're dealing with a more complicated and weighty issue than normal plain hatred. And if your plan isn't going to work--make a new one. I don't think I'd have been a good person to have there--Karkat even less. He doesn't..."

She doesn't finish the sentence. Karkat's feelings on that matter are perfectly evident.

"Just try it without the moirails?

"Yeah... I guess I'll have to." It's not a prospect that she's eager to try. She was hoping to have someone there to calm them down if they got out of hand. She doesn't know if she's capable of doing it herself or not. With Xanthous gone, she feels a little out of her depth with Fraysong... and Signless has always been a little difficult to communicate with.

"When they're ready." And just as importantly: when she's ready.

"It'll work out." And she's confident it will, if only because she believes in two out of the three. And well--Initiate is a strange thing all unto himself but he's still trying too. They're all still trying and things can't possibly get worse than they were.

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To the leader, the pariah, the victor, the messiah

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