Guy Crood (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
acroodawakening) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thecapitol2014-05-13 11:31 pm
acroodawakening) wrote in thecapitol2014-05-13 11:31 pm
Entry tags:
this place is a narrative mess
Who| Closed to Guy and his close CR
What| Guy is brought back to the Tribute Center
Where| District 6 and Guy's room
When| The night of the expose when he's returned and the next morning after.
Warnings/Notes| CW: Possible mention of bidding, mental trauma/dissociation, the usual for someone's that dealt with Penny
When the Peacekeepers brought him back, Guy was silent, floating along like a ghost next to them. His face was still blotchy from the crying and his eyes were red-rimmed but there was no emotion on his face. He'd shut down. Sometimes it was okay to take time to be sad and sometimes you got so sad you had to not think but it had never been like this.
He had always been someone that dealt with his feelings as they came and only shoved them aside for later if he was facing something life or death. Then when it was over, he dealt with them, felt them, and moved on.
This had finally pushed him beyond that. He'd felt so much - so much fear and despair and misery - that something had collapsed in itself and now there was just a dull buzzing behind his ears.
The world no longer made sense and the worst part of it was that the things that did make sense, like his story, like the life he'd shaped for himself, had been taken away from him. His story had been twisted into something else and now it didn't belong to him anymore.
Now it would be what they wanted it to be and he would be the thing they wanted him to be and there was nothing he could do about it, except hope that he got boring enough they cut the thread that tied him to this new life and let him drift away. Now his life would be just like the emptiness inside a shell instead of the patterns on the outside or the sounds it could make.
What| Guy is brought back to the Tribute Center
Where| District 6 and Guy's room
When| The night of the expose when he's returned and the next morning after.
Warnings/Notes| CW: Possible mention of bidding, mental trauma/dissociation, the usual for someone's that dealt with Penny
When the Peacekeepers brought him back, Guy was silent, floating along like a ghost next to them. His face was still blotchy from the crying and his eyes were red-rimmed but there was no emotion on his face. He'd shut down. Sometimes it was okay to take time to be sad and sometimes you got so sad you had to not think but it had never been like this.
He had always been someone that dealt with his feelings as they came and only shoved them aside for later if he was facing something life or death. Then when it was over, he dealt with them, felt them, and moved on.
This had finally pushed him beyond that. He'd felt so much - so much fear and despair and misery - that something had collapsed in itself and now there was just a dull buzzing behind his ears.
The world no longer made sense and the worst part of it was that the things that did make sense, like his story, like the life he'd shaped for himself, had been taken away from him. His story had been twisted into something else and now it didn't belong to him anymore.
Now it would be what they wanted it to be and he would be the thing they wanted him to be and there was nothing he could do about it, except hope that he got boring enough they cut the thread that tied him to this new life and let him drift away. Now his life would be just like the emptiness inside a shell instead of the patterns on the outside or the sounds it could make.
no subject
"... Guy, may I ask you something?"
He needed to address how obnoxiously pale this whole thing was before it went on for too much longer, just so it wasn't this nebulous issue he was half ignoring and half worrying about.
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But after talking to some of his friends, he felt centered again. Sad, but centered.
And himself. Mostly. Something he'd try to be as long as he could.
It was easy to fall right back into the pattern of making sure his friends were taken care of.
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"There's a kind of romance that trolls have, that to my knowledge humans don't, a kind of feeling you have for another person where you want to comfort and protect them and look after their emotional well-being. We call it being pale for someone. And when two people are pale for each other, they become moirails, and look out for each other when things like this happen."
He leaned their foreheads together -- maybe that was too intimate? Whatever.
"My point is that I am very, very pale for you, and the way you've been acting has been very pale back, even if you don't realize. And I understand if you're not interested, because this isn't a thing humans do, but given the kind of relationship it is for trolls I couldn't just let it go on without saying anything. And I hate seeing you like this. You deserve to feel safe and supported and cared for."
There. It was done, to the best of his ability, and if he got kicked out of the blanket nest for it at least he could say he'd tried.
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"To be honest, I don't even know about most human romance stuff," he admitted, mulling the idea over. "I...wandered. I met enough people to figure out how people work, to know the nature of most people and some of the things they believe, but by the time I started to think about that kinda stuff I didn't get to stay around people much. I don't even know what kind of relationships they have back home - not all of them. So maybe some people there have the same thing for all I know."
Which meant he was open to it. Possibly.
Because he didn't even know if this was an alien idea back home. He only had the basics - and even then, it was different from tribe to tribe, family to family. Cave people sometimes had fathers just give their daughters away with them having no say in it. Then there were ones like Grug who were overprotective but left the choice up to their kids. There were people who were all about true love and being with one mate for as long as they both lived. Then there were tribes where people seemed...a little more free with that kind of thing but he'd been too young to find out the true nature of it for sure. He'd only had impressions. And there were friends and families and adoptive families and blood pacts and blood brothers and blood sisters and all different things.
Of course, there was also the fact that he was feeling vulnerable right now to consider. He was lonely and confused and so immeasurably, intensely sad. Was this the time to even think about something like that? When he was miserable half the time and off balance?
But what if the fact he was lonely and sad meant it was? He'd never been the type to think too much about the future. He lived in the moment, knowing every one might be his last. He didn't worry too much about making things complicated because he felt like that was one of the things that made them complicated in the first place.
He liked when love was uncomplicated. He liked when it was easy. And quite frankly, he needed it right now.
To figure it out, he needed to know more.
"Is it like mates? Like, uh, kissing and...you know."
no subject
"Oh, no, no. When you're pale for someone, you hug them and touch their face and sit in a pile with them and talk about your feelings, and that's entirely intimate enough. We have an entirely different romance -- two, actually -- for when you want to kiss someone. To be fair there's pale kissing: foreheads, cheeks, the base of a horn maybe, but that's not the same thing."
Of course, he was a terrible awful deviant of a troll who occasionally mixed the two, but there were no red feelings here to mix. The pale was entirely too overpowering for anything else to sneak in.
no subject
He said it without judgment. He'd never really come across people that that were mates with the same sex but just because he hadn't seen it didn't mean it wasn't there and he didn't really see anything strange about it. It just wasn't for him.
"So it's like really, really deep friends?" he asked. That was a little clearer to him. "Not something less or more than mates? Just different?"
If it was that, he understood.
"Because if it's like that, I know some of the people here might not understand it but I'm different from some of the people the people here. We care about each other differently back home. Every person is a part of a bigger whole and the ties between people are really strong. I was lucky that after I was alone I found Belt. And I was lucky to find my new family. A lot of people, I don't think they could make it on their own. Sometimes I don't know how I managed so well."
A natural resilience perhaps, but if he hadn't met Belt, maybe he wouldn't have done so well.
"Family is deeper and friends are deeper and with a mate - for me and Eep at least - it's almost like when we found each other, that we found a part of ourselves we'd never realized was missing. So I already feel things really deep on my side and I'm not sure my friends here feel it the same back. They definitely care but I kinda think I'm a little more...gone, there and I try to just keep it down a bit. And we do more of the hugs and being touched anyway; that's what's normal for us back home. So, if you have a word for it, we can use that, but I kinda felt like it was something like that already - I just don't have words for some things. And I don't think Eep would mind since it's the not the same thing I feel for her."
Not less, not more, just different. Like love for a father was different. Like how he cared about Belt was different.
And he wanted to be held. He wanted to be hugged. He liked it when it was open and allowed to run free. He liked feeling things in the moment.
He wanted more moments in this place that weren't all hurt and sadness. He had a feeling he'd need that now more than ever and he wanted to be able to give those moments back, too.
no subject
At least, he thought so. Maybe it wouldn't occur to a human when for humans being friends, even really deep friends, didn't carry quite the same relationship connotations. It just smacked too much of taking advantage in a troll context.
"But we don't need to use the troll word, if you'd rather not. That's still what it will be, for me, but... I don't know, I've never been in a relationship with a human, we'll work things out together as we go. The important part is that it helps you, whatever we call it."
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He reached up to brush his fingers against Signless' cheek.
"Does it mean we can do more cuddly stuff as long as it's not the matey kind of cuddly stuff?"
no subject
He was already taking to it well, if that cheek touch was any indication. It wasn't quite a pap, but he could explain papping later, maybe, and shooshing. Just so it didn't confuse Guy quite as much the first time it came up in earnest.
no subject
He liked that. He liked this whole idea, a special friend that you loved deeply, even if it was another kind of love, different from mates. Not greater, not lesser, just something on its own.
And the whole point was hugs and cuddles and taking care of each other.
It was what he felt already, wasn't it? Signless was gentle and kind and wanted to show people how to be peaceful - and it was no fault of his that they didn't want to listen. He saw a better world, a better way to be - just like Guy did. Just like Eep did. Just like his family did.
It took away the sting of missing home to be around someone like that. It helped make it so the cruelty and misery was easier to bear.
He also liked the idea of having words for all different kinds of love.
Guy smiled a gentle smile at him and took Signless' words as an invitation, pulling him closer and leaning his face in to aggressively nuzzle his neck. Without being at all fueled by desire, it was nevertheless passionate.
no subject
If Guy kept nuzzling, he'd soon start purring, a kind of low rumble in his chest and the back of his throat.
no subject
He did keep up with the nuzzling and as soon as the purring started he pulled back to look Signless in the eye.
Far be it from looking unnerved or weirded out by a person purring, he looked absolutely delighted, in much the same way Singless had found his nose booping adorable at the Crowning.
"You purr? Like a cat?" His jaw briefly hung open. "That is adorable."
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At least, he didn't think so, he'd never heard a human hiss or chirp.
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He was pretty sure he knew what a mammal was now. He'd been watching Junior Science Explorers a lot and while the Capitol got a lot of facts wrong, he now had sciencey friends to checks facts with who usually corrected any wrong information. And at least some of it was right.
"We're more like monkeys and they're not the kind of mammal that purrs. Those are cats."
That's what the video had said anyway. That humans were in the same giant mammal family as apes.
"We do more hooting kinda noises and growling. Like you can't hear it but the way I'm talking is very -" He broke into a series of random tiny hoot noises, grunts, clicks, and growls. "See, that was me just doing word sounds by themselves instead of making them into words, but that's how my language mostly sounds. You just can't hear it because it translates."
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Warn him about Karkat, more like.
"Karkat is also my moirail. And he may be a little prickly at you at first, because he's young and possessive and just prickly in general."
no subject
Apparently, his default state when it came to all this was going to be chillness.
"I'll try to be nice and help him realize I'm not going to steal you."
That wasn't supposed to be how relationships worked, after all. Sharing was better. Just like Belt shared him with Eep. Falling in love with her hadn't stopped them from being best buds.
no subject
It was good, to know that Guy was so open to all of this when so many people (and so many trolls) wouldn't have been. Monogamy seemed to be the norm in most societies, both his own and the ones he'd encountered here.
no subject
It'd be easier if they at least got along and he wanted this to be easy. He wanted some things to be simple and good.
He went in for another little nuzzle and then pulled back, pressing a kiss against Signless' cheek and his forehead. Then he leaned in and nuzzled his nose against his.