thecapitol | Now I remember the joy and the meaning of the fate....

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Now I remember the joy and the meaning of the fate....

WHO| Kevin and YOU!
WHAT| Visitors have been removed, Kevin is really lost, and he's been TOLD alcohol helps with this....
WHEN| The evening after the arrest.
WHERE| A bar, where else?
WARNINGS| Everything that comes with Kevin. The chip in his neck is reprogramming him as he sits there, so he's going to be pretty weird. Also very drunk. Watch this space for updates.

Y'know, it was probably the serenity that stood out the most.

When his mother was taken, it was sudden. That wasn't as jarring as it could have been, all told. What WAS jarring was that serenity as she was taken...that grace, even as she was being handcuffed and led away from him after all these years.

It reminded him, unbidden, of another time he had forgotten. The feeling of restraints around his wrists, his throat raw from screaming out, his feet sore from being dragged across hot sand with no shoes - he couldn't hear his mother then, except perhaps a soft goodbye. She was serene then, too.

He didn't know if they were good memories or not.

Now he was doing something he had heard helped with this kind of thing...drinking. A lot. He was sitting at the bar, an array of empty glasses sitting in front of him, swaying on his stool. The sharp-eyed would notice a burn forming at the back of his neck, just under his hairline - from the inside.

He couldn't feel it anymore.

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Without hesitation, Kevin was going to answer the question - without a lot of thought, either - but he was cut off before he could assure Chri that, no, he didn't have any diseases. Oh well, he seemed to figure it out well enough.

The new question was a little bit harder, though. Especially with his brain as fuzzy as it was.

"Lesse...my trainnnning? Well, I pray a lot...'n I do practice paperwork - and puzzles! Keep my brain sharp." A laugh. His teeth might have been sharper than his brain, looking at that smile. "I guess I don't really think about wh' m' regggggimen is, friend...."

"You don't think about it?" Chris couldn't understand such a thing. "Isn't that the most important thing a tribute can think of?" This was a conundrum indeed.

He took a sip of his water again, and it was so bitter against the concoction Kevin had that he almost spit it out, despite its beneficial qualities. Whoever the equivalent of Dr. Oz in the Capitol was would not be happy with Chris in this moment. Who decided to motion the bartender for a wine instead. At least it was full of antioxidants...!

"Especially one in peak physical condition like yourself." Don't think you're special, Kevin, he would say this to any girl :')

"Not reallyyyyy?" A blink. He really HADN'T thought about it...not in those terms, anyway. He took his drink back and happily sipped from it, enjoying the sweetness and the numbness both. It was all helping him remember to let himself forget.

Oops, thought too hard about that again. Another jolt.

He raised his eyebrows at that last bit, though. What a nice compliment! He reached out with one hand, laying it over Chris's in an oddly tender fashion.

"Gosh...that's so nice of you to say! But...b-but I think it's reaaaaaaaally import'n't to use y'r brain in the arena! Right? Riiiight? Form allies-ances...."

A hiccup. He drained his drink and signaled for something else.

Oh wow Kevin was drunk. Like really drunk. Chris hadn't even had a chance to touch his wine before the other man's hand came down over his. He didn't try and wave him off, however, setting his other hand on the pile in some sort of attempted reassurance. "Did your... neck just smoke?" That wasn't normal, right? Chris squeezed Kevin's hand in concern.

Aw. That reassuring squeeze was really nice.

It took Kevin a moment of thought to figure out what Chris was talking about...and then it clicked, however fuzzy. He gestured in a vague, non-committal wave.

"Oh - yyyyeah, yeah that's j'st...that's my chip. I need to forget...but I haven't, so it's - it's been going a whiiiile."

"Your chip." It really did nothing to assure him, which was why he wasn't withdrawing either of his hands yet. "You have a chip in your head."

Again, it wasn't computing. He couldn't connect the words to what they meant and he wasn't even the drunk one. Had the Game-makers done this to him? Chris leaned a little closer, eager to pick up the words as they fell out of Kevin's mouth, slurred though they were.

"What do you need to forget?"

"Actuallyyyyyy...it's in m' neck."

He leaned forward and pointed so that Chris could see it - the spot just below his hairline where his flesh was searing and smoking under the pulses of electricity coursing up into his brain.

He was quiet for a moment...taking a long sip from his new drink, eyebrows knitting together in thought.

"...The dark. I need t' f'rget...the dark. An' everybody...in it."

Was that a quiver in his voice?

That burn was looking...angry.

The dark. The man was speaking in riddles and seemed injured. Chris was suddenly grateful he hadn't imbibed yet, wanting very much to get to the bottom of this and get Kevin healthy again. "I don't understand." But he desperately wanted to, hand lifting from Kevin's hand to hover between them. He wanted to touch it, but he didn't want to cause the man any more pain. "Does it hurt?"

"Th' chip? Nnnnno, it - I don' really feel 't 'nymoreeee...you c'n see fer yourself, 's really not that bad!"

He leaned down to let Chris get a nice, close look.

It was that bad. He just couldn't feel it.

But the quiver was still there in his voice regardless - a floodgate had been cracked open again, and he was struggling to rebuild the dam.

After a long moment of silence, he decided to address Chris's lack of understanding. His voice was quieter - slower - like he was trying to put it together himself.

"...Wh'n I wassa kid...it was...dark. Everything. Dark. There wasn' ANY light at all! 'N...my fam'ly was there. But now 'ere's light 'n my fam'ly is gooooooone and I need to forget again...."

A tear rolled out of one of the voids where his eyes should be. Then another. Still smiling.

"...So I can be efficient. I need t'...forget the dark. 'N...everything in it."

Tentatively, he reached out, touching the skin below the chip with a bit of a grimace. "Kevin, you're..." He meant to say something else, but then the alarm is all the more clear when he sees a tear splash down against the counter. "You're crying."

The skin was HOT - still burning. It wasn't going to stop until Kevin did.

Sniffling, he laughs a little - it's a weird sound, somewhere near a sob. He's sobbing, and he doesn't really know he is yet.

"Th's...tha's SILLY...." He swayed hard, tears coursing down his cheeks down. "...I...I...."

A hiccup. He looked to Chris, something pleading in his expression.

"...I can't cry...."

"Of course you can cry, everyone can cry." It's reassuring, encouraging even as he pulls his fingers away before he can injure himself on Kevin's skin. Chris frowns, uncharacteristically, and stands up with decisive action. "We should go now. Even I think crying in public is a little... unkouth."

But it's not said without humor; it isn't meant to be cruel. He just wants Kevin away from this place where he can hopefully talk to him. Where he can pick this apart and make it make sense and feed him kale juice until he sobers up.

"Nooo, n-no, I - hic - I caaaaaaaaaaan't...."

He looks at Chris as he stands, clearly confused by his own emotions. He touches his own face and nearly panics at the moisture there. The tear ducts ache. They haven't been put to use in a long time.

His eyebrows furrow, incongruous with his grin.

"Chriiiiis...help me?"

He holds his hand out to Kevin, wondering if his hand will be just as hot as his neck, but he's willing to take the risk. Everyone claimed to care so much about these Tributes while they were fighting one another to the death. But while they were here? In house? Who would look out for them? Who would care about them? People like Kevin and Fee had taught him that what he'd been taught his whole life about the Games simply wasn't so.

They weren't good. Nothing about them was. And he's not sure he can stand being a part of it anymore.

"Come on, Kevin. I've got you."

In spite of himself, Kevin stands - his hand is, mercifully, normal in temperature when he takes Chris's, lightly trembling and unsteady on his feet. He lurches forward and leans on Chris.

He's a mess.

"Yer...suuuuch a good fr'nd," he chokes out, still crying uncontrollably.

"I do try to be the very best friend I can be," he agrees softly, arm coming securely around Kevin's shoulder. He spares a glance to the bar and lays some money on for his untouched drink and some extra in case Kevin owed anything.

And now they're walking, as slowly as he can manage, towards the door. "One foot in front of the other, you have absolutely got this."

Grateful for the assistance, Kevin leans heavy on Chris, stumbling his way along with him.

"...I...do. I've got...got this."

He hiccuped on his tears, barely able to walk.

This was why he doesn't drink.

Chris trained every day, he could all but carry Kevin if need be. As it was, he gently supported him while avoiding the hot flesh of his neck.

"We'll get you some electrolytes and a little rest and you'll be good as new. Better, even."

At this rate, he was going to need to carry him.

He didn't respond, instead lapsing into tears again. These ones were edged with something new, though - pain. He was feeling the pain.

He wasn't used to it, fairly crumpling into Chris's arms.

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Now I remember the joy and the meaning of the fate....

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