"She's been there a bit in the others," Susannah says quietly. "For the cornucopia, mostly, and a bit more in my first one on Dino Island. That little French girl, her mother, that turtle man, they'd seen her. And... it's not really that my head is full of three women arguing." Except for when she'd been possessed by Mia. "Sometimes Detta speaks up with a dissenting opinion--it's always her for some reason, never Odetta, maybe Odetta and I agree too much--but these days, I'm usually able to just hear myself. Unless... unless things get stressful, painful. Those times, she's very close, very clear, an' I can hear her."
She rubs her forehead. "Sometimes-- sometimes when it hurts too much to be me, I've let her come out for a little while, because those painful things barely affect her. There are advantages to Detta. When I can't have regrets or second thoughts or mercy... but if the reason to be me is stronger, I've been able claw my way back. For my friends. To be with them, to be close to them. That's how I did it in the Museum, on Dino Island, I let my regard for my friends pull me back to being Susannah as soon as I saw someone I knew. That's why-- that's why I've been tryin' so very hard to make friends and allies. To give me a reason to be me."
She sighs and shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I'm probably explaining this very poorly. It's different, now, that in was when there were only two of me. This me, Susannah, I'm supposed to be the unity of the two. Stronger than both. But even when it was just the others, it was always stress and pain that brought her out." She makes a rueful sound. "And difficult math problems in life or death situations, since Detta's better at numbers than me and certainly Odetta. I'm not sure what that says about my psyche that math's her department. That's-- that's part of why then. I'd had to use some math to get us over the ice and afterwards--"
She rubs her forehead. "After, there was a bit more math, but more than that there was the fact that Harley wanted her there, more than she wanted me, and-- well, I guess even Detta wants people to want her. So there was a good reason to be her and my reason to be me had dried up and blown away. So. That's why this time. But this time will be the last," she finishes, fervently. "I have every reason to never let it happen again."
sorry i wrote you a novel
She rubs her forehead. "Sometimes-- sometimes when it hurts too much to be me, I've let her come out for a little while, because those painful things barely affect her. There are advantages to Detta. When I can't have regrets or second thoughts or mercy... but if the reason to be me is stronger, I've been able claw my way back. For my friends. To be with them, to be close to them. That's how I did it in the Museum, on Dino Island, I let my regard for my friends pull me back to being Susannah as soon as I saw someone I knew. That's why-- that's why I've been tryin' so very hard to make friends and allies. To give me a reason to be me."
She sighs and shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I'm probably explaining this very poorly. It's different, now, that in was when there were only two of me. This me, Susannah, I'm supposed to be the unity of the two. Stronger than both. But even when it was just the others, it was always stress and pain that brought her out." She makes a rueful sound. "And difficult math problems in life or death situations, since Detta's better at numbers than me and certainly Odetta. I'm not sure what that says about my psyche that math's her department. That's-- that's part of why then. I'd had to use some math to get us over the ice and afterwards--"
She rubs her forehead. "After, there was a bit more math, but more than that there was the fact that Harley wanted her there, more than she wanted me, and-- well, I guess even Detta wants people to want her. So there was a good reason to be her and my reason to be me had dried up and blown away. So. That's why this time. But this time will be the last," she finishes, fervently. "I have every reason to never let it happen again."