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thecapitol2014-03-11 01:55 am
hit_girl_mindy) wrote in thecapitol2014-03-11 01:55 am
Living inside the shell
Who| Mindy, open
What| The victor returns to the Capitol.
Where| Various Places
When| After being patched up
Warnings/Notes| Mindy, so foul language and descriptions of violence.
After the last few weeks, it was a breath of fresh air to be back in the Capitol. It was not something she would have easily admitted to herself, but at least here there was a sense of ease, knowing that she didn't have to be watching her back for death.
Mostly.
It was strange too. She almost felt alien, coming back here with the win. Death had at least made her an equal: now she was an object, to be striven for or hated or stared at or asked questions to. The crowing would come soon enough, she knew that, and what a pain that would be. Words to say,things to plan, and really, all she wanted was to make sure all her friends were all right. certain ones would hare her now, of course, but that was expected. She had, after all, let the games' nature affect her.
She was more than happy to be restored though: all the bleeding and the aching had taken a toll on her, and she was ready for aching she at least only inflicted on herself. There were several ways of going through with this.
1. The Training room. It was always Mindy's "go to" place, and even now there was no reason not to go. She was aware of the stares and the whispers, but she ignored these: after all, she'd come here last time after her defeat, why should her victory be any different? Mindy is hard at work on the treadmill, looking to see if she can increase her speed. There was a lot to think about, and this was the perfect way to NOT have to do that right now. Cut everyone out, hear some mindless music, run like the wind. Easy.
2. Eventually though, there's a place she needed to go: over to District 12, at the top tower to see Sandy. She hated, more than anything, to apologize or even explain herself unnecessarily but in this case it was needed. Sandy wasn't just some girl to her: she was one of the first friends she made, and after what she'd done, she needed to at least talk to her about it. The girl might not listen or care, but Mindy still needed to explain herself. She might run into anyone in District 12 though.
3. In her own tower, she made the unwise choice of attempting to sleep. After that, she thought a mushroom trip might have been more peaceful. Now she just had visions of the worse things in the Arena: beheading, throat slitting, bombs going off, and all of the dead looking at her as if she were the cause. It was pretty gory, and Mindy had awoken wide eyed and breathing hard. So anyone in the Tribute tower, especially in her District, can see the girl sitting in the room now, oversized shirt on, watching a replay of the games, almost glassy eyed.
What| The victor returns to the Capitol.
Where| Various Places
When| After being patched up
Warnings/Notes| Mindy, so foul language and descriptions of violence.
After the last few weeks, it was a breath of fresh air to be back in the Capitol. It was not something she would have easily admitted to herself, but at least here there was a sense of ease, knowing that she didn't have to be watching her back for death.
Mostly.
It was strange too. She almost felt alien, coming back here with the win. Death had at least made her an equal: now she was an object, to be striven for or hated or stared at or asked questions to. The crowing would come soon enough, she knew that, and what a pain that would be. Words to say,things to plan, and really, all she wanted was to make sure all her friends were all right. certain ones would hare her now, of course, but that was expected. She had, after all, let the games' nature affect her.
She was more than happy to be restored though: all the bleeding and the aching had taken a toll on her, and she was ready for aching she at least only inflicted on herself. There were several ways of going through with this.
1. The Training room. It was always Mindy's "go to" place, and even now there was no reason not to go. She was aware of the stares and the whispers, but she ignored these: after all, she'd come here last time after her defeat, why should her victory be any different? Mindy is hard at work on the treadmill, looking to see if she can increase her speed. There was a lot to think about, and this was the perfect way to NOT have to do that right now. Cut everyone out, hear some mindless music, run like the wind. Easy.
2. Eventually though, there's a place she needed to go: over to District 12, at the top tower to see Sandy. She hated, more than anything, to apologize or even explain herself unnecessarily but in this case it was needed. Sandy wasn't just some girl to her: she was one of the first friends she made, and after what she'd done, she needed to at least talk to her about it. The girl might not listen or care, but Mindy still needed to explain herself. She might run into anyone in District 12 though.
3. In her own tower, she made the unwise choice of attempting to sleep. After that, she thought a mushroom trip might have been more peaceful. Now she just had visions of the worse things in the Arena: beheading, throat slitting, bombs going off, and all of the dead looking at her as if she were the cause. It was pretty gory, and Mindy had awoken wide eyed and breathing hard. So anyone in the Tribute tower, especially in her District, can see the girl sitting in the room now, oversized shirt on, watching a replay of the games, almost glassy eyed.
Re: 3
"Aw no problem. What are friends for right? And when they do inevitably make a spectacle out of your life I'll be there to keep you company in the chaos."
After all, that's how the Capitol thrived.
Re: 3
She was actually as careful about this as she could be.
"Though, like you, if it involves someone I care about, I'll make it my issue."
Re: 3
"And just how you gonna do that girl? I mean you can just never speak about them sure, but they've already proven pretty clever about getting us to perform even against our will."
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Oh if only she knew.
Re: 3
Yeah, let's not try thinking of new 52 when asked that question.
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"See how long you can keep your eyes closed for this time. Maybe it'll work."
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Except Joel, of course.
"Are you trying to get me to lower my defenses? So low, Harley."
Re: 3
"Maybe I am and maybe you're just lowering them on your own. The important thing is it's working. Just take a deep breath, let it out and let big sister be the rock you can lean on tonight."
Re: 3
She blew a raspberry, but didn't try to dissuade Harley about that. "I've sorta learned not to lean on people so much. Not when it might be the last time I see them. You never know what can happen."
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"That's one way to avoid pain. Another is to embrace it and let it make the pleasure even better." Harley reasoned.
"People will come and go, but so long as you loved them and learned from them you'll carry them with you. And when things get rough they'll carry you." In the darkness she grinned to herself "That almost sounded poetic in a sort of masochistic way."
Re: 3
Mindy chortled. "Hey, I'm moving my way to pleasure one leg at a time. I did meet a few friends though. I guess that is sorta pleasurable."
The last thing she said was met with a shrug. "I know that. About the people coming and going anyway. But come on, Harley. Even someone like Eponine has people she leans on. That was why your lessons don't stick. They enable her. So for me, I think one of the best things I can teach myself is knowing when I'm being a bitch."
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"Yeah, I get the feeling you know all too well when you're being a bitch. But have you figured out when to let yourself off the hook yet?"
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"When I'm doing the shit I'm supposed to do. That's when I'll let myself off the hook."
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"Well yeah but I mean, how long AFTER the fact. You don't regret it in the moment you regret the stuff you had to do to the people you like after it's been over long enough for you to think about it."
Another deep slow breath, her body radiating warmth.
"In the quiet moments at night when there's nothing to distract our thoughts they often turn to exactly the worst places. Even if it doesn't always make sense."
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One of those Capitol torturers she kept hearing about?
This was one of those moments she was going to curl against Harley. "It makes sense. It just sucks."
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"You say it like enjoying pain is wrong. Without pain we can't appreciate pleasure. All guilt does is fester in your guts and keep you from doing what you want or need." She began running her fingers through Mindy's hair absentmindedly like petting a cat.
"I have yet to meet a patient where guilt was beneficial to them in some way. It didn't make their lives better, it didn't make them feel better. It just punished them for things they'd already done."
Re: 3
And of course, that was the real fear, LOSING the ability to feel that guilt. Push comes to shove, she could turn it off.
"Did you just trick me into a psych evaluation?"
Re: 3
"I didn't trick you into anything. You kept talking because it was helping. I'm just asking the questions." She purred.
"You're a smart kid Mindy. I don't need to trick you into doing something you know you need."
Like speaking openly with someone she trusted.
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