thecapitol | [Closed] I'm the shadow of every doubt

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[Closed] I'm the shadow of every doubt

Who| Jet and Albert
What| An argument leads to a blow up which leads to a conversation long in coming
Where| District 3, Albert's room for the most part
When| Post-Crowning
Warnings/Notes| Cyborg drama, language and arguments

The way Jet had grown up had left him craving attention from those around him. When he and Albert had first met, he'd been an angry teen yelling at a world that didn't even know he existed and any attention had been good attention, even when it really wasn't.

Being with Albert had changed that some. Jet had still always craved that attention, but it took less of it for him to be satisfied; even just a brush of hand along his arm or leg was enough to make the antsy teen settle down. During the time Jet had left his family, he'd learned to stifle that need, at least until he'd gained his work in the NSA as a secret agent, then he'd had a different kind of attention. But still, the time away had made him grow up a lot and part of that had been learning to make that insecurity behind wanting everyone's attention quiet down.

But that didn't mean he was perfect at it or that it didn't flare up from time to time. Like right now when Jet was walking into the room he shared with his fiance and didn't even receive a glance up. It wouldn't normally bother him...except this behavior was not new. Pretty much since Albert had proposed, he'd been planning their wedding and over the last few weeks since they'd woken up (and a bit before that) Jet had been virtually ignored whenever there was a wedding book around.

He got the day had been long and dedicated to the crowning and Albert had gotten nothing done but...it was becoming incredibly aggravating.

Jet moved over to the bed and stood to the side (there was no space for him, all available space was dedicated to piles of books) and waited for Albert to say something. Except he was too fidgety to wait long, every second those white eyes were on a page and not on him was another log to the growing fire of irritation. Jet wasn't good with being ignored.

"Hey, Al...you gonna be done with that soon?"

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"Hmm?"

Albert doesn't even really look up, instead turning the page in the cake book he's looking through and only tilting his head in a terrible impression of listening.

He just has too many things to go over. The entire day was wasted on the pointless crowning ceremony and party, having to schmooze with sponsors and pretend they're funny, pretend he doesn't mind being treated as a frivolity, pretend that he isn't wishing them all into the next arena instead of the tributes. He's much happier here, buried in the signs that he's finally going to be bound to the love of his life.

He just happens to be ignoring said love of his life in favor of planning their wedding just at present.

'Hmm' was not the answer he was looking for. He knew Albert was just pretending to be listening-something he'd already failed at since his questioning tone showed he hadn't been listening in the first place.

His irritation doubled.

"I asked if you were going to be done soon. I thought maybe we could...hang out for the rest of the night." 'Hang out' was Jet's way of saying snuggling and generally just laying on each other, but he'd never say that word or anything close to it in a million years. Of course, Albert was dense sometimes, so Jet decided to take some form of action.

He retrieved a hand towel from the bathroom and threw it onto the open pages of the book Albert was reading, effectively cutting off his line of sight.

Edited 2014-10-10 05:45 (UTC)

"Jet, please." Albert removes the hand towel from the book and sets it aside, only glancing up to fix his partner with a brief irritated gaze before returning to what he'd been doing before.

"I thought you'd outgrown these petulant teenage outbursts." This is for their wedding, Jet. He thought you understood!

"Petulant teenage--!?" Irritation doubled once more into out right affronted ire.

So now on top of being ignored left right and center and being brushed off as not as important as the wedding he was supposedly a apart of, he was a petulant teenager too. The flames kicked up by Albert's words swirled in him and pushed the words in his head straight to his mouth without a second thought.

"So that's what I am, huh? Guess it makes more sense now why I'm not as important as your damn books. You want a Petulant Teenage Outbust? How 'bout this:" he backed up towards the door, the anger more than the hurt worn on his face, one hand raised up as he turned, the middle finger extended as the rest folded.

"Fuck you, Heinrich, hang out with your books." And for the first time since he'd run out over thirty years before, the door slammed shut behind him.

Albert just stares, uncomprehending as to what exactly had just occurred.

The German isn't all that used to being wrong. That's not to say he's completely flawless, but generally speaking he feels he makes fewer mistakes than he could and sometimes his being right used to send Jet into an angry tantrum and out the door like he'd just witnessed.

Only he was in the wrong here. He'd been focused so much on planning to get married that he's ignoring the needs of the person he's getting married to. And insulting him to boot. That's why, isn't it?

But there's something almost uplifting in the fact that he'd actually walked out. Worrisome too, yes, but comforting in the sense of normalcy, in that Jet wouldn't worry that Albert would lose it if he slammed the door in his face, instead just continuing to follow his normal patterns. That, at least, is strangely soothing though Albert has to wonder how healthy it is to be soothed by that.

He can worry about it another time. What he needs to do right now is make amends. He needs to go after Jet and, for once in his life, apologize.

He just has to unbury himself from his pile of books first.

He was half way to the elevators when his feet stopped him in his tracks, allowing his head to catch up.

He'd just walked out. He'd just done the exact thing he'd promised to never do again. Albert was definitely in the wrong here, but how much more was Jet in the wrong by breaking a promise he considered to be highly important. He wasn't supposed to just leave. What if Albert took it the wrong way and thought it meant Jet didn't care, that he was likely to just run out the door at the drop of a hat and maybe vanish for thirty years again.

Shitshitshitshit.

Jet turned right around and went back to Albert's room where he saw the German trying to climb off the bed. Jet closed the door behind him and leaned against it. He couldn't quite look Albert in the eye and settled for the bedspread.

"Sorry. You were being an asshole...but I'm still sorry."

God he hoped his partner wasn't too mad at him, he didn't want to have some huge fight.

Jet comes back and Albert's quietly building anxiety crashes back down to manageable levels. Whatever comfort he'd thought he found in Jet feeling comfortable enough to leave has nothing on his relief at his partner returning.

Maybe he is just that fragile. The thought brings him down just a little further, sinking to sit again on the bedspread.

"No, I know, I got too focused on this." Albert rubs a hand through his bangs, making them stick up at odd angles as he does when he's frustrated or confused. He chuckles a bit, but it's a strained sort of thing, unsure. "I think it's good, actually. Getting back to a bit of what was normal."

Does he think that? It sounds right in theory but there's something tugging at the words that make him wonder if he's missing something. Should this be normal?

"You know, before I..." he trails off, wavering smile turning into something of a grimace. They're really going to have to have this talk, aren't they.

A frown marred his face and he stayed where he was against the door.

"Normal? Didn't realize we weren't being normal."

Maybe back when they were younger and Jet throwing a fit was a more common occurrence...but was that a good thing? Jet didn't think so.

More than that was the insinuation that it was something Albert had done to make things not normal that bothered him. Did he really want to ask? He had to.

"...I don't know what you're talking about, before you what?"

"It's been different ever since Valhalla." He slumps a little, eyes dropping to his hands and wishing Jet would come sit beside him instead of staring from across the room. "Ever since I broke.

"I feel as if you're afraid I'll snap again, that because of it I have to be handled with kid gloves, that even a terse word will send me spiraling. I understand the fear." He glances up to see if anything's getting through, but his eyes can't stay there as afraid as he is to see his suspicions confirmed. Or denied, really. That it's all in his head. So his gaze quickly floats to the window instead.

"You've told me as much, that you're frightened of that. We're both frightened of it, but I think it's colored your actions since then. You're calmer, you smile more, and I want to believe it's because you're happy, because in all these years maybe you are different just a little, but I'm also afraid you change yourself because you're afraid of hurting me."

He breaths out heavily, not a sigh, simply an expression of pent up worries and frustration. "I don't want to go into this with any secrets."

Jet's quiet and waits for Albert's explanation, his head swimming with it. He didn't think anything was different, but Albert did and that meant there would always be this thing between them...if it wasn't addressed.

He moved from his spot and crossed to find a new one on the edge of the bed next to Albert, his eyes settling in same place as the German's. He wanted to say the right thing, he wanted to be able to make Albert see what he did...but Jet always said the wrong thing and the static Jet felt convinced him that the wrong thing would ruin everything right now.

But he couldn't stay silent.

"I am afraid. I don't want to see you like that again and I'm afraid I won't be able to help you a second time, that anything I could say'll just sound stale. And, no, I don't want to hurt you...but I'm pretty sure that's a normal thing in any relationship."

He finally looked over at Albert to try and catch his eye.

"But you're not changing me, Al. At least, the stuff you just talked about, you're not. I know you didn't get a chance to really see me with everything that's been going on since we woke up, but this is me. I am a little calmer, I smile more cause I have reason to. Honestly, I didn't smile much at all when I was by myself, you make me smile. I try to think a little more before I do things because I put myself in a position where I had to. I grew up over those twenty-seven years."

A thought occurred to him that made him wince slightly.

"I guess I never stopped to wonder if you'd actually like how I changed, I just went with it. I guess now's the time to go ahead and get it out there...if there's any hang-ups you've got."

He probably wouldn't blame Albert if there were. While there was still plenty that made Jet Jet, there was plenty that had changed and matured and he'd done it away from everyone else...nothing said they'd like the person he changed into. He just kind of hoped they would.

He turned himself so he could place his hands on either side of Albert's face, finally ensuring he had the older man's attention-this was the most important part, after all.

"But, listen to me for this at least, okay? This is the most important part 'cause you need to believe it. You are not broken. You were, yes, but you've pulled yourself back together and...honestly? I don't think you're worse for it...I think you're better. You're stronger...you just need to see it."

Jet had brought back the broken pieces of his partner to Valhalla and had spent every waking moment carefully putting them back into place and applying the glue, but it hadn't just been him, Albert had done a lot of the work as well. After all, he wouldn't have healed if he hadn't wanted to try. But the way Jet saw it, those pieces had come back together perfectly, closer than they'd been before, and cemented together at the last minute to replace the glue.

He listens. For once really listens to what Jet has to say, to all the inherent meanings of the words and the connotations of how he says them. There's nothing hidden there, not anymore. Back when they'd been running from Black Ghost there was always something under the surface, a little unspoken anger, but they'd all had that. Now, and since Jet's parents had left Albert realizes, that undercurrent is gone. There are little things, the scars left by the arenas, but those are no mystery. No, the things that Jet willfully kept hidden from Albert are all gone, aired out months ago.

He'd been mistaken in thinking Jet was tiptoeing around him like some sort of ticking bomb. He'd been mistaken in thinking that Jet's reaction to his being ignored, exactly what it would have been half a century ago, was an improvement, not that Albert faults him for it in the slightest. No, this is what's improved. This is where they are. Albert holds Jet in the highest regard, knows his strength even if he still wants to protect him from any ills.

Jet feels just the same.

And it doesn't matter that he broke. Or rather, no, it does matter, but Jet doesn't see the path since as a weakness, but more strength. Albert's mind hiccups a bit at that, trying to accept it, but even though he wants to believe he can handle everything the way he used to, just soldier through, he doesn't feel strong. But he doesn't feel weak either. He just... feels.

That by itself is a change in recent years.

For so long after his remodeling, Albert felt things only in bits and pieces. Mostly pain, dark amusement at the wicked ironies of existence. Affection for his team, love for Jet. It's anything about himself that he always thought was just gone. Whenever he was afraid, it was always for other people. Sadness, joy, always for others. He'd wondered a few times if that made him some kind of sociopath but the definition didn't fit. Maybe that's just how they'd rebuilt him.

Only it wasn't. Because it was when Jet left that he felt sorrow for himself, angry for himself. It had been tempered by a good helping of convincing himself that of course it would end like that, that he's not allowed to have the sort of romantic happy endings that humanity seems so enamored of in popular culture. Twice failed is enough.

But that ache never went away and watching Jet blip out on the screen...

He doesn't know what happened after, not really. They'd read that book about how he was miraculously saved by God or somesuch but he doesn't know about those years, doesn't feel them because he doesn't remember them. It seems like some sort of fairy tale, how they'd apparently lived together happily until the Haze and the end of the world ruined everything.

He was still hurt, still damaged when they'd awoken at Site B, but Albert was only Human - blissfully Human - and he gave in. Some of those days and nights on the island were the happiest in his memory. And Jaden had ruined that too. When he'd finally been able to feel everything again, the whole gamut with so much good to outweigh the bad, and of course it all went to Hell.

He's Albert Heinrich. He's not allowed to have nice things. He imposes himself on others, makes them feel because he can't, feeds on it like an emotional parasite and-

And those are Jaden's words. Not his. Those are what broke him and they're sill in there somewhere, writhing in the dark. It's why he's afraid, why he's terrified, and he can feel exactly what that means now with his heart all in one piece, lovingly set back together and sewn with that very same light that Jet exudes at all times. Sometimes it's even hard to look, Albert's eyes seeing the corona of light around his partner shining enough to sting the corners of his eyes. Like now, with Jet making him keep eye contact as all these thoughts and worries swirl in his head, making his chest feel heavy and tight.

He's never had any hang ups about Jet, not once they'd sorted out all the mundane conflicts in the early days. How could he? Jet's saved him. Jet always saves him, even when he thought he was well beyond it. Ever since Ghost Island, since Valhalla, since always.

Albert's hands cover Jet's, fingers curling underneath to loosen their gentle hold on Albert's cheeks and grip his palms instead. He swallows, blinking rapidly for a moment and letting his gaze drop to their clasped hands instead. "I don't want to be a burden. I know I'm better now, and I know you'll always be able to bring me back if that's ever not the case. You know where all the pieces go."

He leans forward a bit, resting his forehead against his lover's. His partner's. His husband-to-be's. "I've only worried that you were changing for me, that you felt you had to in order to make us work. I never thought it was because you've grown. I see it now, having missed it like an idiot in my fear that I was bringing you down with me out of desperation."

"I may not always be alright, Jet. I want to be, but the darkness in me is still there and I can't promise that it will always be dormant. But you've always been able to keep it at bey." He squeezes Jet's hands tighter, afraid of what his answer might be to the question Albert's about to ask. But he has to ask. They have to go into this knowing everything. All the cards on the table. "It's not a burden you have to bear, if you're not willing."

He doesn't realize it, but he holds his breath until Jet responds.

He can see Albert's listening to him, actually listening to him and it makes something in his chest uncoil. No matter where else this conversation goes, he'll be happy as long as his words got through. And it seems they did. He listens back, waiting for Albert to be done saying his piece before Jet responded, they needed to this time, they had to listen to each other or this would haunt them like a shadow into their marriage and would only fester as time went on.

With Albert saying he might not always be all right, Jet's gaze softened, his hands squeezing his partner's tightly.

"I know that. I know it's not something I can fix-God knows if I could, I would-but I've helped you handle it so far, right? If I wasn't willing to keep helping, I wouldn't have said yes to marrying you. I told you on the roof that night that I'd take care of you for the rest of our lives and I mean that. Even when you can take care of yourself, I'll still be taking care of you...and when that darkness tries to creep in on you and take over everything, I'll work even harder to take care of you, got it?"

He sighed heavily, as though expelling the last bit of nervousness that always arose when they had a conflict between them and his eyes settled on the ring on Albert's finger.

"We're a team, right? Partners? That means we work together on every little obstacle, whether it's evil corporations, corrupt governments or a darkness that just needs to be put in it's damn place every now and then...you just gotta tell me when that one needs to happen and I'll pull out my guns."

His eyes left the ring and went back to those silver eyes across from him, all the love and affection, all the wonder and amazement, all the pride and joy he felt for his fiance there in his expression. While Albert may see Jet as a light source, the sun, Jet saw Albert as strength incarnate, he was the most precious thing in existence to the blond. The majority of the fuel that kept that warmth and light going. The heart to his soul.

"As long as you've got my back, Al, I've always got yours, no matter what bullshit gets thrown at us."

He breathes. Not just now after he's been holding his breath, but since he'd talked about this to Venus, since the night on the roof when the question had popped out of his mouth as something he's wanted so badly for so long and he'd felt too vulnerable to confront fully what binding themselves to each other could mean for Jet. That he would end up a care giver, that he might change.

But that's the thing, he's already changed and grown and apparently Albert has too. He's not just vulnerable, even if that's all he feels he is. He takes care of Jet too. Hadn't he laid out Ciro? Hadn't he honored Jet's request in the last arena despite it being one of the most difficult things he's ever had to do in his life? He didn't fall apart. Jet didn't either.

Neither of them are as fragile as all that.

Carefully, as if he's afraid of breaking the moment, Albert leans in and kisses Jet tenderly, one hand coming up to cup his fiance's cheek lightly. He's appreciative and affectionate, grateful for everything Jet has ever done from start to now, thankful that he should be so blessed to have his sparrow come singing into his life.

And blessed that he can return the favor and offer shelter to his own guardian angel.

Jet kisses back just as softly, his hand coming up to cover Albert's as he did. He could practically feel the tension leave his fiance and it made his own tension seep away. As long as Albert was happy, Jet was happy.

Jet pulled away, his eyes tracing over Albert's face lovingly, then he flung his arm out around the broader man's shoulders and knocked them both to the comforter. He shifted so he was half laying on his partner, chest to chest.

"Feel better? No cold feet?"

The eyes lingering along his face isn't something Albert misses. It's something he's noticed Jet does more consistently since the last arena. Looking. Observing. Appreciating his sight. It makes Albert want to pull him close and will away the fear he knows drives that action, but there's little he can do besides.

Before he can, though, Jet has him knocked to the bed, pulling a barking laugh from the older man. He pulls Jet against him so their hearts are close. "No cold feet. I never had doubts that I wanted to marry you, you know. Just worries about the other way around."

"Well neither did I, so you better cut that worry shit out." Never let it be said Jet was good at being a romantic, but he tried and the soft smile he said it with along with the lingering touch of his fingertips against Albert's chest were a better indication of his meaning.

Something that didn't escape Jet's attention, however, was that he had now gained what he'd been trying to achieve all night: Albert's undivided attention. He reached out to one of the books still on the bedspread and pushed it far enough over the edge that gravity did the rest resulting in a thunk as it hit the floor.

Light comprised of mischief and amusement danced in Jet's eyes as he looked back to Albert. "If we clear off the bed and I let you get more comfortable, will you hang out with me then?"

It was really all he wanted right this second, to have their limbs tangled together as they cuddled close, their heartbeats and breaths intermingling with how little room was between them. It was all he'd wanted before their argument...but with the last dregs of doubt leaving the air between them, Jet couldn't really feel disappointed it hadn't happened sooner.

"Alright," he sounds bemused in that pliant sort of way he always gets after they resolve an argument, willing to do whatever his partner suggests out of a sense of peace and companionship. And of course what he suggests sounds nice in its own right, even if he's manhandling the books in the process.

A quick peck to Jet's forehead and Albert rises to move all the books, including the one Jet had sentenced to exile on the floor, to the table against the wall. That task done, he returns to his fiance and lays out on top of the bedspread, head at the pillow and arm open and waiting to be filled with the American that belongs there.

Jet waited for Albert to settle and then he was right there filling the space that was his as he curled in Albert's embrace and pulled his partner into an embrace of his own. He pressed their foreheads together and his expression melted into one of content and affection. This was more like it.

A straying thought caught in his head and made that content expression change to one of amused annoyance as he pulled back a bit to get a better look at Albert.

"You never even apologized for ignoring me, jerk. You're not getting away with that this time."

He held himself back-though not fully out of Albert's embrace because he just couldn't do that-as though to make it clear the German couldn't have him until he'd 'earned' him back.

Jet was well aware he could count the number of times Albert had actually apologized when he was in the wrong on one hand (and the number of times Albert had been wrong were more than five) Albert was very good at getting away with that. He showed his apology through physical means or other words more often than not, but Jet's pride had been lightly bruised by being ignored and it needed tending to in the blond's opinion.

Edited 2014-10-17 05:11 (UTC)

Hadn't he? He thought he had, when Jet had come back and apologized for his part in it, hadn't Albert done so in turn? He wracks his brain trying to remember. He could have sworn... Is it really all that important? Even if he hadn't said the words, the emotions are there nonetheless and that's what counts.

He turns a bit, reaching with his other arm to pull Jet against him again. "I'm not ignoring you now, come here Sparrow."

Oh it's so tempting to just crawl back into those arms...he nearly does it, especially with his pet name added on the end...he was a sucker for that damn pet name.

But he just moves further away, sitting on the very edge of the bed, still sort of in reach, but far enough away to prove his point. He didn't know why it was so important, maybe because it was his pride, maybe because Albert almost never apologized or maybe because it had actually hurt, but he wanted to hear it this time.

"No, you're not, but I won't till you say it."

"What?" He can't fathom why it matters so much, but if Jet's going to be this way then-

Then who is he kidding? Apologizing isn't as if he's showing some kind of weakness. And even if it is, why should he mind showing weakness to someone who's already seen the weakest parts of him and seen them as strength? Wasn't that really what they'd just talked about?

"Alright, alright." He sits up a bit, resting his weight on one elbow so he can look Jet in the eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't get so wrapped up in the planning of the thing that I forget the reason for the ceremony at all."

He leans in close, putting a hand to Jet's chin in order to guide him into a gentle kiss, if the blond will allow it.

Hearing the words assuages that part of Jet that was still offended and kept him from accepting Albert's affection. Even if this was the last time he'd hear such a thing for at least another decade, he'd take it.

Without hesitation, Jet turned and leaned into the kiss, turning it into a something a little sharper than gentle, but not too much, it still held the sweet affection he felt for his partner and the appreciation he had for the apology.

Jet climbed back onto the bed and curled back up with Albert, entangling himself once more with his forgiven fiance.

"...damn straight you did...I'm marrying your dumb ass because it's you, you know, not for the pretty decorations."

Albert hums a laugh into Jet's hair pulling him close and burying his face there happily. He feels lighter after they talk - really talk - that he has to wonder sometimes why they both seem so allergic to it. It's only a passing question though and soon forgotten in favor of letting his mind drift to their wedding again. Only this time, it's not the decorations or the cake or the clothes. It's just them, happily wed.

"Don't ever let me forget it." He kisses into gold tresses, reveling in the simply joy of just 'hanging out' with his partner.

"Not on your life. Now's the time to clear out, cause soon enough you'll be stuck with me forever, no matter what, got it? Then I'm never gonna let you forget what kind of trouble you signed up for."

A small smile traced his lips and one hand reached between them to curl into the fabric of Albert's shirt as though prompting him to stay while the other rested peacefully on his partner's back.

Jet was well aware of the amount of trouble he brought into Albert's life, surely the older man had reminded him enough times, a real hand-full, he'd been called. But he also knew there was only one person in existence worth more to him than anything else Jet could think of that made life worth living. And...by some miracle, that person wanted to stick at Jet's side too, it wasn't something Jet was going to let go of any time soon.

"Not on your life," Albert echoes, following it with a contented sigh. Jet is as much a part of his life as oxygen, now. He can't live without him, can't breathe without him. And while he's had his worries that perhaps that's too much pressure to weigh on one person's shoulders, Jet's maintained that he can bear it. Hell, he's proven as much.

The German's eyes fall shut as he shifts a bit into Jet's warmth, face still buried in his hair. They're going to be married, bound to each other until death do they part.

Only not even death will part them, not anymore. There's a strange sort of comfort in that.

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[Closed] I'm the shadow of every doubt

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