thecapitol | Memories they haunt his mind

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Memories they haunt his mind

Who| The Disciple & The Signless
What| Post arena checkups and piling, with callouts and talks of dumb shit. Also sitting on Vantases
Where| Twelfth floor, Signless' room
When| A few days after the death of Signless
Warnings/Notes| Mush perhaps and frank talk of death and amputation probably?

If she's honest, it's strange watching him die from the outside. It usually happens in front of her or she hears his name called out in the death listings. So watching him go down like this, helpless to save him and having to watch the process--she doesn't like it in the slightest. His horn cracks and she winces, turns away for the rest. Perfect audio brings the cries to her ears but it's over soon enough. It hurts. If she'd survived that leg, she could have been there, been there for that idiotic fight. For this inevitable death. She didn't and it's over. Over and done.

The delay between his death and his return at least gave her time to think. The Initiate was still out there but he probably wouldn't last much longer. She needed to keep them seperated until Terezi returned.

And well, there was that to talk about.

She gave it a day before she started camping out in the Twelfth District's lounge. She got a few weird looks, but like clockwork she took the elevator up around noon, peeked in his room and stuck around until 7, monopolizing their television to keep up with the arena. One lounge was much like another and this one was easier to keep a watch from.

Her habit was rewarded a few days later when she went to check his room and found him already up. He's swept immediately into a hug, warm and comforting, even if it gets hair in his face and claws snagged in his shirt.

And without really asking, she's up again, finding blankets--far more than he could really use on the bed she thinks--and dragging them into a suitable pile. Asking would be silly, she's seen the arena. They both have things to talk about and not starting as soon as she could would just end up with a repeat of last time.

When it seems suitably piled and nested, she glances back at him.

"I know about it all. So, I figured..." A wave at the pile and she pats it, hopefully invitingly.

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She doesn't need to pat it more than once. He climbs into the pile with her and nestles close, clutching her tight. The earlier hug was nice but not enough, not after all the turmoil he's felt since he arrived back in the Capitol. She's not the first to find him but she's the first one that he can hold tight and take comfort in while he tries to work through everything he did in the arena.

"Thank you," he murmurs into her shoulder. "You're so good to me."

She lets him settle into the pile, curl to her. It's easily the most relaxed she's been in days, even with the mountain of things to discuss looming over them. She slides her hand into his hair, scratches at the base of his horns and presses her face to his shoulder. For a long moment she's silent, quietly reflecting on how nice this feels.

"I died before you met up with the Initiate so--I've been waiting. I know this arena was..." Terrible, awful, an affront to his whole way of life?

"Not easy. I know I would need a good pile after all that."

He nods, running one hand absently through her hair. It's an automatic gesture, something that requires no thought but is still deeply calming to him and always has been.

"I'm sorry that you had to watch all of that. I don't remember a lot of it fully, but I've seen. You know how they like to replay things they find particularly amusing."

And of course the usually-gentle Signless snapping and becoming violent and vulgar is considered highly entertaining. Not enough to be under a true spotlight, but enough that it bears mention whenever they have space to slip it in.

She shakes her head in disbelief for a moment. It's still crazy what they do in these arenas. The life they're currently forced to live for the amusement of others. Her hands curl up against his chest, angry all over again for the indignities they deal with and how their horror is others delights.

"Assholes." She mutters into his shoulder, shaking her head again.

"It hurt--a bit. To watch all that." She pauses and looks up, hitting his shoulder roughly with a loose fist. Not enough to really hurt but enough to get his attention.

"And you. You didn't almost lose me over the Initiate you dumbass, we had problems because you killed yourself and then didn't even come talk to me."

Signless winces a little when she hits him, though he doesn't complain. He usually deserves it when she does. He could point out that he never would have killed himself if the Initiate hadn't made him kill Karkat first, hadn't taken his mind in what was already a very fragile emotional state and snapped it in half. He doesn't. Actually eating the poisoned grass was still his choice and his alone, he deserves the blame there.

"I know," is what he says instead. "I wasn't in my right mind. I said a lot of things I don't really believe."

"...I never realized there was a past there? I thought he hated you for all the normal highblood reasons. I didn't realize..." She waves her hand, gesturing out as if their whole past, all of that ridiculousness was there. She wants to call them both idiots. This whole past is out there for the world and it's based on the smallest thing in the world. A wrigglerhood drama held and boiled under until it exploded.

"...Do you think it was the food? Or the place? Something about it messed with my head too." No that's not the right question, not the right thing to talk about. But she does wonder, "Never mind. What we should talk about it is--well. Are you okay? You were trying to kill and all. You went a little..."

Sufferer. Angry at the world. Murderous. Uncaring. Words wouldn't help.

"I will be." He curls a little closer to her, as though the closer he is the safer he'll be.

"It sounds awful to say it, but after being here for so long this feels like just one more thing to deal with. I'm not even surprised. It's not novel anymore, it's just exhausting. I wish they hadn't. I have so many people to apologize to and so many messes to clean up now, with Fraysong especially. I hadn't realized it was that personal for him either, not until very recently, and now I've set back any progress we might have made because I wasn't thinking clearly. I never would have approached him at all otherwise."

He frowns into her hair. He's so annoyed with himself. Even through whatever was making him act so out of character, he should have been smarter than that.

"I don't think either of you were," She says it softly, shaking her head, "You both looked a bit crazed but I think it was things you both needed to say? Angry and terrible perhaps, but sometimes the worst things are the things you need to say. You were both terrible. Both overly harsh, trying to rub salt in wounds and all."

Her hands curl in his hair now, pulling and scratching light at his scalp like a cat with a favorite blanket. It's comforting for her at least, with this sort of talk.

"We all know that sometimes our actions aren't exactly our own in there. It's a horrible environment that breeds horribleness and forces us--often literally--to be terrible to each other. I...would wait for Terezi though. Let her step in and try to help. It's part of the quadrant after all."

She herself wouldn't be a help, she thinks. Not for this part, talking to him about Signless would only make things worse.

He nods.

"They were things that would have been much better saved for a real ashen session. Or better not said at all. I wish --"

He pauses and his mouth twists. He reaches up with one hand between them and fiddles with the chain around his neck, on which hangs Karkat's ring and the interlocked circles representing his ashen quadrant.

"This doesn't leave this room, but Terezi is so, so difficult for me to read. I'm grateful to her for wanting to help me and for everything she's already done but it's very clear that Fraysong is the one she cares for and I'm just someone she tolerates to make sure the quadrant stays healthy. I don't know how to get on better terms with her when talking to her is like talking to a wall."

Her lips press into a thin line for a moment and she shakes her head a little.

"I guess I just don't understand that. She seems...easy enough to read to me. We talked about your quadrant, when it was still new, and she's nervous. She wants to do well, wants to make things work. I think she's scared she'll mess it up. With so much history and the future that hasn't happened for you both, it's a huge undertaking. She's never been in an ashen triad before."

Her voice is fond, what she doesn't quite say probably shines through, "Let her get her feet a bit. She's trying to make an effort not to let your various differences make the quadrant fail."

Edited 2014-07-17 15:25 (UTC)

"I know. I wouldn't expect anything less, and it isn't as though I expected our relationship to be completely without strain, but..."

It's hard to communicate what it is about Terezi that makes talking with her so difficult for him. It's like he has to tiptoe through everything he says, constantly censor and re-censor his words, and though he knows his not doing that is part of the problem in the first place it makes even what should be simple conversations exhausting. It's gotten better the more they've talked to be fair, but he doesn't think it will ever completely go away if they can't find some sort of common ground beyond the precarious ledge they're standing on.

"Even if you can read her, I can't, and it makes talking to her an exercise in feeling like I'm under constant close scrutiny when I can't even judge how she'll react to anything I say." He twists the ring on his necklace.

"The problem is probably with me but every time I try to bridge whatever gap is there it backfires."

"I think you're worrying too much. Trying too hard to be exact, putting too much thought into what exactly to say when it works so much better for you to just...speak your mind. In these cases at least."

She shifts a little, messing up their seating arrangement as she tries to prepare herself to make her little admission. It's not that she think he'll be upset, it's just usually the other way around. He comes to her with these new quadrants and she's never managed another.

"Um, speaking of Terezi...She and I--we. Well, pale--" She seems suddenly exasperated with her nervousness and shakes her head hard, "Since the little arena, we're pale. I mean, I've been pale for her but it's sort of official now. Requited."

She twists her hands in a 'so then' sort of motion, "You can see why I understand her better."

He laughs, and there isn't much humor behind it. "Beloved, every time I speak my mind it does more harm than good. You and Karkat and Terezi have all been telling me for perigees not to speak my mind, I can't just..."

He quiets, though, when she shifts and her demeanor becomes suddenly nervous and shy. Pale. For Terezi. He thinks about this for a few moments, lets himself get used to the idea.

"...Yes. Yes, I can see why you'd have a much easier time understanding her. I'm glad, Meulin. You need someone who isn't me and she... I think she just needs someone, with all the stress she's under."

She's silent for a moment, reaching to squeeze his hand. He isn't upset (not that she thought he would be) and he isn't against the idea. All her idiotic fears assuaged, she smiles, faintly, a ghost of a smile.

"She's been there for me a lot. I've probably been relying on her for too long but she finally reached back. She's scared of messing it up--honestly I am too. She's never had a moirail before and I've never had one who isn't you. She's so sure she's going to mess up all her quadrants."

She lets her hand twist, fingers twining with his. It feels odd, talking to him about her other moirail in their own pile. They've done it for him, but it's still new and strange to her.

"And I think you should speak your mind in a conciliatory quadrant. I don't mean in general, not everywhere, but you might work things out better if you speak your mind. If you don't assume she will take things the wrong or worst way and just try to be honest."

His lip twitches. It sounds so simple when she says it.

"It isn't as though I'm lying to her. I'm just ... omitting. Not saying things I might want to because I don't know how she'll react and I don't want the conversation to derail into an argument."

He thinks about the last time that almost happened, about how a simple attempt at reassuring her very nearly ruined an entire interaction. He squeezes her hand, curls closer against her.

"I don't want to make more work and stress for her than she has to deal with already."

Disciple immediately agrees with that. Thinks of all the thing they're, she's, everyone is asking Terezi to deal with and immediately she wants to encourage that. It feels like it'd exhaust, cause her to burn out under her own attempts to be everything. It's not easy to push past that feeling.

"She's strong. I think--I think she'll be okay. I hate that she's having to deal with so much and she's bad at reaching for help, but I guess I can always sit on her and make her talk if she starts holing up."

This is her general moirail strategy. It's worked before.

"Just, try to be more open. I know it's asking a lot, and I loathe to say it, but she's trying to help and to help, she needs all the facts. Even if you think the facts are upsetting or going to make things worse. Things get worse before they get better. And really, can things get any wors?"

She doesn't wait for him to answer, "And if you say they can, how can they be worse than how you were before all this. Him openly hating you and ready to kill. I can't imagine things will be worse than that."

He can't really argue with that. There's really nowhere to go but up, sad as that is to admit given what it says about the state of things.

"You're right. I'll try to censor myself less around her. I just need to put more trust in her than I have, she deserves that much."

He smiles, just slightly, leans their foreheads together.

"I really am happy for the two of you. We all need as much support as we can get here."

She smiles, wide and with that eagerness that comes from all new relationships. All in the stage where everything is new and could be anything and everything. A honeymoon stage, if trolls had such things.

"I'm glad for all of us really. It gives me someone to talk to when things happen and you just aren't around for it--or we're busy being flushed or black or something--and I suppose it helps in this way. Being able to give insight into parts of your quadrants."

She pauses, rubs her forehead against his for a moment, like a reaffirmation of their bond, "I pity her so much. I guess I figured I'd never find someone who could deal with--us. You've always been lucky in that regard."

"So it doesn't bother her? That's good."

He thinks of Karkat, of Karkat's valiant efforts to pretend that his moirail having another moirail didn't make him just a little uncomfortable. It's understandable that most trolls would take some time to get used to the idea, and it worries him that Terezi might be in a similar position of ignoring discomfort to make her new moirail happy.

On the other hand, his impression of Terezi is that she's very direct. If she were really bothered she almost certainly would have said, right?

"I think it does, a little. But we trust each other--and I think as long as I don't drag her into our pile or something, she won't mind."

It's difficult, having two moirails, especially when you are not used to it. It's difficult and only Signless really understands.

He really does understand. He had to balance this with the Psiioniic back home and then with Karkat, he knows it's hard being there for two people at once, especially when one believes a lot more strongly in Alternian concepts of monogamy.

"That's fine, I wouldn't expect her to. She deals with me quite enough in one quadrant. I wouldn't want to impose on her others."

"It'll be weird enough having you both, let alone in one pile. I'm not sure how you do it to be honest."

Not that they pile together a lot, but he's fully capable of soothing two parties at once. She has far too much experience with that, given she and Mituna were often set off by similar things.

"It's not really a conscious thing," he says thoughtfully. "I just... if more than one person needs me, then I try to be there for both of them the best that I can. Or if one needs me a lot more for whatever reason, I make sure the other knows I care about them but I have someone else to take care of, and I'll be back to help them too as soon as possible. It's a delicate balancing act but it gets easier the more comfortable you are with your partners."

He smiles.

"You should put her first, I think. I have Karkat to take care of me."

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Memories they haunt his mind

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