thecapitol | this place is a narrative mess

Entry tags:

this place is a narrative mess

Who| Closed to Guy and his close CR
What| Guy is brought back to the Tribute Center
Where| District 6 and Guy's room
When| The night of the expose when he's returned and the next morning after.
Warnings/Notes| CW: Possible mention of bidding, mental trauma/dissociation, the usual for someone's that dealt with Penny

When the Peacekeepers brought him back, Guy was silent, floating along like a ghost next to them. His face was still blotchy from the crying and his eyes were red-rimmed but there was no emotion on his face. He'd shut down. Sometimes it was okay to take time to be sad and sometimes you got so sad you had to not think but it had never been like this.

He had always been someone that dealt with his feelings as they came and only shoved them aside for later if he was facing something life or death. Then when it was over, he dealt with them, felt them, and moved on.

This had finally pushed him beyond that. He'd felt so much - so much fear and despair and misery - that something had collapsed in itself and now there was just a dull buzzing behind his ears.

The world no longer made sense and the worst part of it was that the things that did make sense, like his story, like the life he'd shaped for himself, had been taken away from him. His story had been twisted into something else and now it didn't belong to him anymore.

Now it would be what they wanted it to be and he would be the thing they wanted him to be and there was nothing he could do about it, except hope that he got boring enough they cut the thread that tied him to this new life and let him drift away. Now his life would be just like the emptiness inside a shell instead of the patterns on the outside or the sounds it could make.

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It was difficult not to go to Guy immediately once Signless knew he was back (back and not gone, or dead, or worse). If nothing else he wanted to apologize for not doing anything, for not even saying anything, because even if it had been the safer choice for him and everyone else he had to take care of it still made him sick to his stomach to think about. He understood needing space, though, and held off for a few excruciatingly long hours before making his way down to Guy's floor. He knocked, and when there wasn't an immediate answer (which he really wasn't expecting) turned the knob and found the door unlocked.

"That's an impressive nest," he said, shutting the door again behind him. His bare feet made almost no noise on the soft carpet as he walked over and sat down on the floor a few feet from the makeshift cave. He wasn't really sure if he was allowed to get closer -- a nest like that screamed 'I want a barrier between me and everything else'.

"I should have brought you some of my blankets, I don't really use them."

"I have enough."

His voice was still hoarse from the crying and talking to people, but now he sounded more tired than anything. Or perhaps "weary" was a better way to word it. It was the kind of tired that didn't go away with sleep.

His muffled voice was squeaky and higher pitched than usual like he was perpetually on the verge of crying. "I'm just feeling a little vulnerable right now."

"Oh." That really, really didn't sound good.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I can leave, if that would be best, they did say you might just want to be alone."

The idea of leaving was abhorrent, though, and it was apparent in his tone that it was the last thing he wanted to do. There had to be something he could do, some way he could help, even if it was small. He was so horns over heels pale for this poor human that he would leave, if that was what Guy needed.

There was a little pause as Guy thought it over.

"I could use a hug right now."

Another pause.

"But I want to stay in here."

Edited 2014-05-22 07:21 (UTC)

"That's fine. I'll come in with you."

Signless isn't quite used to piles with roofs (because that's what this is, a pile, and the thought makes his bloodpusher all jittery because this is now tangibly really far past the point where he can just file it under human friendship). It takes him a moment to negotiate getting into the blanket cave, but he manages, and immediately scoops Guy up into his arms.

"There. Is that a little better?"

The thing was it made a his heart jump just a little bit too. Maybe not quite in the same way as with Eep but Guy had a big enough heart to love all different people all different ways.

It was nice to have these friends he had here, that he cared about in all those different ways. It was even nicer to finally have some of them comfortable enough to show affection in the ways he was used to and comfortable with him showing affection back in those ways.

"Yeah," he said, his voice shaky, settling into Signless's arms.

He'd set up a little air vent out of the cushions and he widened it slightly so the additional body didn't make things stuffy.

The light it let in illuminated his face ever so slightly so that his red-rimmed eyes and blotchy skin was visible.

Edited 2014-05-22 08:14 (UTC)

Guy looked awful. Definitely like he'd been crying, which was worrying, and also just tired, like if he never had to move from this spot again he'd be just fine with that. Everywhere in the world that was safe for him had probably shrunk down to just this little blanket cave.

"Good. You tell me if there's anything else you need."

It was so baffling to him, that humans didn't prioritize this kind of emotional care more than they did. There was a lot of things he could probably say, but the actual physical affection was probably what was needed most right now -- he certainly didn't want Guy to feel pressured to talk about something he might really, really not want to talk about. So for a while Signless just held him, one hand running through his hair on reflex.

It was baffling to Guy, too. Touch was such an important part of his existence. Part of why meeting Belt had been so comforting when he'd been young and alone was because Belt was, by his very nature, just a little on the clingy side.

He was silent for a little while. There really wasn't anything else he needed but comfort and affection.

Eventually, he was ready to talk, though he didn't want to talk about what had happened with Penny.

"I'm starting to forget what home smells like. It was always so green. I can remember that, but I can't remember it like the way you remember something exactly the way it was."

The air smelled wrong here. His sense of smell wasn't as good as his family's but it was still better than the average human's, which meant he noticed the tang of pollution more than some.

"That's the worst part about being here. You lose things, and they aren't things you can really get back. They get crowded out by everything that's immediate and painful and then you can't even use them to help you through that pain."

He definitely knew what Guy was talking about. There were things he was starting to lose, too: the sound of his mother's voice, the particular way the world looked bathed under the pink and green light of twin moons, his own language -- it was a momentary shock now to see or hear words in Alternian, and that worried him most of all.

"Do you think telling me the things you're starting to forget might help? Just to remind yourself, and have someone else to remember with you?"

Edited 2014-05-22 23:49 (UTC)

"Maybe." He took in a deep breath. "I almost forgot it was that colorful. Seeing it again..."

The expose had been good for one thing, at least.

"I've told people over and over again about how bright it was. I was starting to wonder if I was exaggerating it. I've had so many people from this place tell me I'm better off here, saying it's backwards. But you saw it. It's so bright. The sun is even brighter. And the plants all seem to think browns and greens are boring."

"It was beautiful. If anyone honestly thinks you're better off here than you would be there, in the place you're meant to be, they're hopelessly misguided."

He knew one thing for certain about the Capitol people, and that was that they didn't like what they couldn't understand, and that meant they had to pass it off as inferior. All 'backwards' really meant was 'not like what I know'. Really, it was amazing that the trolls had escaped that treatment by and large. Maybe they were just too different to even bother dealing with.

It felt good to have someone say that, say something directly the opposite, so he wasn't just thinking it in his head.

He closed his eyes.

"The air always smelled so green. Or earthy. Or like dry grass and dust. Or clean. Moss and running water and mist."

He closed his eyes and for a long moment just tried to imagine. They'd passed through forests sometimes, his little band of misfits, so he knew the smell of wet earth and moss and trees. He knew the clean smell the world got after rain. He knew the smell of leaves, even if Alternian leaves weren't green. No wonder Guy hated it here, with all the stagnant, sterile air and the constant feeling of being fenced in. The Signless understood how hard that was, after living free.

"... Guy, may I ask you something?"

He needed to address how obnoxiously pale this whole thing was before it went on for too much longer, just so it wasn't this nebulous issue he was half ignoring and half worrying about.

"Yeah, sure," he said softly. He was still miserable. He was going to be miserable as long as he was here. That was most likely going to be his default state of existence now.

But after talking to some of his friends, he felt centered again. Sad, but centered.

And himself. Mostly. Something he'd try to be as long as he could.

It was easy to fall right back into the pattern of making sure his friends were taken care of.

Okay. Now where did he start? He remembered Karkat's disastrous attempts to explain troll romance over the network when they'd first arrived.

"There's a kind of romance that trolls have, that to my knowledge humans don't, a kind of feeling you have for another person where you want to comfort and protect them and look after their emotional well-being. We call it being pale for someone. And when two people are pale for each other, they become moirails, and look out for each other when things like this happen."

He leaned their foreheads together -- maybe that was too intimate? Whatever.

"My point is that I am very, very pale for you, and the way you've been acting has been very pale back, even if you don't realize. And I understand if you're not interested, because this isn't a thing humans do, but given the kind of relationship it is for trolls I couldn't just let it go on without saying anything. And I hate seeing you like this. You deserve to feel safe and supported and cared for."

There. It was done, to the best of his ability, and if he got kicked out of the blanket nest for it at least he could say he'd tried.

He didn't pull away from Signless, laying there comfortably with his forehead pressed against his.

"To be honest, I don't even know about most human romance stuff," he admitted, mulling the idea over. "I...wandered. I met enough people to figure out how people work, to know the nature of most people and some of the things they believe, but by the time I started to think about that kinda stuff I didn't get to stay around people much. I don't even know what kind of relationships they have back home - not all of them. So maybe some people there have the same thing for all I know."

Which meant he was open to it. Possibly.

Because he didn't even know if this was an alien idea back home. He only had the basics - and even then, it was different from tribe to tribe, family to family. Cave people sometimes had fathers just give their daughters away with them having no say in it. Then there were ones like Grug who were overprotective but left the choice up to their kids. There were people who were all about true love and being with one mate for as long as they both lived. Then there were tribes where people seemed...a little more free with that kind of thing but he'd been too young to find out the true nature of it for sure. He'd only had impressions. And there were friends and families and adoptive families and blood pacts and blood brothers and blood sisters and all different things.

Of course, there was also the fact that he was feeling vulnerable right now to consider. He was lonely and confused and so immeasurably, intensely sad. Was this the time to even think about something like that? When he was miserable half the time and off balance?

But what if the fact he was lonely and sad meant it was? He'd never been the type to think too much about the future. He lived in the moment, knowing every one might be his last. He didn't worry too much about making things complicated because he felt like that was one of the things that made them complicated in the first place.

He liked when love was uncomplicated. He liked when it was easy. And quite frankly, he needed it right now.

To figure it out, he needed to know more.

"Is it like mates? Like, uh, kissing and...you know."

Edited 2014-05-25 05:34 (UTC)

At the very least it was alien here, and in a lot of other worlds where humans were the dominant species, or at least that's the impression Signless had got from the backlash toward Karkat's explanation. It wasn't considered a romance, not something important enough to be separate from general friendship, and then of course there had been the confusion over romance not necessarily meaning kissing and you know.

"Oh, no, no. When you're pale for someone, you hug them and touch their face and sit in a pile with them and talk about your feelings, and that's entirely intimate enough. We have an entirely different romance -- two, actually -- for when you want to kiss someone. To be fair there's pale kissing: foreheads, cheeks, the base of a horn maybe, but that's not the same thing."

Of course, he was a terrible awful deviant of a troll who occasionally mixed the two, but there were no red feelings here to mix. The pale was entirely too overpowering for anything else to sneak in.

"Well, that's good because I am very, very taken in that department. I have room -" He tapped his chest "- for other people but not in that way. That space is all filled up by Eep and I don't really want anyone else. And while I can see how things might work with a guy, ah, in certain areas, it doesn't really appeal."

He said it without judgment. He'd never really come across people that that were mates with the same sex but just because he hadn't seen it didn't mean it wasn't there and he didn't really see anything strange about it. It just wasn't for him.

"So it's like really, really deep friends?" he asked. That was a little clearer to him. "Not something less or more than mates? Just different?"

If it was that, he understood.

"Because if it's like that, I know some of the people here might not understand it but I'm different from some of the people the people here. We care about each other differently back home. Every person is a part of a bigger whole and the ties between people are really strong. I was lucky that after I was alone I found Belt. And I was lucky to find my new family. A lot of people, I don't think they could make it on their own. Sometimes I don't know how I managed so well."

A natural resilience perhaps, but if he hadn't met Belt, maybe he wouldn't have done so well.

"Family is deeper and friends are deeper and with a mate - for me and Eep at least - it's almost like when we found each other, that we found a part of ourselves we'd never realized was missing. So I already feel things really deep on my side and I'm not sure my friends here feel it the same back. They definitely care but I kinda think I'm a little more...gone, there and I try to just keep it down a bit. And we do more of the hugs and being touched anyway; that's what's normal for us back home. So, if you have a word for it, we can use that, but I kinda felt like it was something like that already - I just don't have words for some things. And I don't think Eep would mind since it's the not the same thing I feel for her."

Not less, not more, just different. Like love for a father was different. Like how he cared about Belt was different.

And he wanted to be held. He wanted to be hugged. He liked it when it was open and allowed to run free. He liked feeling things in the moment.

He wanted more moments in this place that weren't all hurt and sadness. He had a feeling he'd need that now more than ever and he wanted to be able to give those moments back, too.

Edited 2014-05-25 20:45 (UTC)

"It was like that already, which is why I brought it up. It wouldn't be right to be in a romance with someone without them really knowing it was happening. Or, I don't know, without discussing it."

At least, he thought so. Maybe it wouldn't occur to a human when for humans being friends, even really deep friends, didn't carry quite the same relationship connotations. It just smacked too much of taking advantage in a troll context.

"But we don't need to use the troll word, if you'd rather not. That's still what it will be, for me, but... I don't know, I've never been in a relationship with a human, we'll work things out together as we go. The important part is that it helps you, whatever we call it."

"We can call it that," Guy said gently. "It's nice having a word for it. It's new, but I like new. It's why I like wandering, to find all the things - and people - that are new."

He reached up to brush his fingers against Signless' cheek.

"Does it mean we can do more cuddly stuff as long as it's not the matey kind of cuddly stuff?"

"Of course. All of the cuddly stuff you like. That's what a moirail is meant to provide."

He was already taking to it well, if that cheek touch was any indication. It wasn't quite a pap, but he could explain papping later, maybe, and shooshing. Just so it didn't confuse Guy quite as much the first time it came up in earnest.

That meant he was supposed to provide that back.

He liked that. He liked this whole idea, a special friend that you loved deeply, even if it was another kind of love, different from mates. Not greater, not lesser, just something on its own.

And the whole point was hugs and cuddles and taking care of each other.

It was what he felt already, wasn't it? Signless was gentle and kind and wanted to show people how to be peaceful - and it was no fault of his that they didn't want to listen. He saw a better world, a better way to be - just like Guy did. Just like Eep did. Just like his family did.

It took away the sting of missing home to be around someone like that. It helped make it so the cruelty and misery was easier to bear.

He also liked the idea of having words for all different kinds of love.

Guy smiled a gentle smile at him and took Signless' words as an invitation, pulling him closer and leaning his face in to aggressively nuzzle his neck. Without being at all fueled by desire, it was nevertheless passionate.

Edited 2014-05-26 03:45 (UTC)

Signless couldn't help it -- he laughed. Partially because it tickled, and partially because it was such a relief to see Guy with some of his bounce back. This was going to be so good for both of them, in a place where it was so easy to fall into hate and depression if you didn't have friends to help hold you up.

If Guy kept nuzzling, he'd soon start purring, a kind of low rumble in his chest and the back of his throat.

Guy was being pulled out of himself, out of worrying about the future, and agonizing over the cruelty, and back into the moment. It was just a better way for him to live, living in the good moments as much as he could.

He did keep up with the nuzzling and as soon as the purring started he pulled back to look Signless in the eye.

Far be it from looking unnerved or weirded out by a person purring, he looked absolutely delighted, in much the same way Singless had found his nose booping adorable at the Crowning.

"You purr? Like a cat?" His jaw briefly hung open. "That is adorable."

"Do humans not?" he asked, genuinely surprised. But then, he'd never had cause to be affectionate enough with a human to get to the point where they'd purr, so how would he know. "I would think you'd be even more likely to than a troll, being an actual mammal... but, yes. Yes we do. Most of the noises we make aren't really 'human', naturally."

At least, he didn't think so, he'd never heard a human hiss or chirp.

this place is a narrative mess

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