The rat in your brain turns the wheel connected to your guts

[carnagecarnival]

Who| Initiate and Psiioniic
What| Moirails reunite after murderparty deluxe 
Where| D2 Commons, The Psiioniic's room
When| A week-ish after murderparty, after Katniss kills Initiate and he returns
Warnings/Notes| Initiate, who is the worst. Talk of death, murders, awful and etc. Language.

He waits for the Elevator to trudge along with a breathless, painful sort of hollowness. It's familiar and at the same time he's felt nothing like this ever before. He can't even think to be angry at his killer right now. Not yet anyway. He is under the surface of some ocean he has no name for. 

His hands haven't stopped shaking since he woke. The golden chain necklace is held so tightly in one, just short of crushing it. He'd woke up, with his eye back, his face healed, arms healed,  every stab and arrow wound healed, his hair grown long down his back again. Everything like it'd never happened, but by some motherfucking miracle, the goat necklace, Mituna's tribute token, had remained woven around his own. 

The doors open up and he steps onto the second district floor. He's been here plenty of times before, but with what happened in the arena, the stares could easily have been renewed. If they have he doesn't notice them. He forces himself down the hall, to Mituna's room, feeling both like he can't move fast enough and like he's going to fast altogether.

He really doesn't breathe as he opens the door. Any minute now that undertow is going to take him away.

Comments

[carnagecarnival]

His lips twitch up when their horns knock, higher when Mituna grabs his hand. It's the laugh at his obvious point that brings it there to stay. Purrs erupt under the work Mituna's fingers. He knows most trolls aren't so... vocal with the stranger sounds as he. He's glad Mituna doesn't mind.

"YES," He says, laughing a little. "Of course it all is." How could he even say no he wonders. He climbs up off the floor, off his knees, and up onto the rest platform, shuffling on over to the pile. Out to Mituna he reaches, until the other troll joins him.

"DO YOU WANT TO TALK?" He asks. "About... what all happened?"

[xanthous]

He can't hold back his grin either, nestling against Kurloz's side. He feels like this is the best place for him - he feels protected and safe, and the cold solidity of Kurloz is more comforting than this rest platform could ever be.

His smile drops at Kurloz's question, and he reaches for his hands, squeezing. Trying to hold onto him like a lifeline he so desperately needs. "I...Yes. I thaw what happened to you...after I wath gone." He bites his lip, and it's so much harder to talk about dying than he ever thought it could be. "I wanted you to be there, you know. When I wath...bleeding out."

[carnagecarnival]

"I BELIEVE YOU," He says, and he does. Even though he hasn't seen the footage, he trusts this troll. More than anyone. "I'm sorry I wasn't. I SHOULD'VE BEEN. If for nothing else. IF FOR NO OTHER MOTHERFUCKING THING."

He holds onto Mituna's hand, squeezing gently back, but careful, always careful with him so as not break him. He's angry that he wasn't there. He was angry at the Signless for so many things, he did what he did for so many reasons more than the death of a moirail, but it doesn't change how he feels Mituna was robbed and he himself with it. He's so angry at himself.

"Was afraid... you might not... HE DON'T GET TO KEEP PEOPLE NORMAL. He thought they wouldn't all let him keep you."

[xanthous]

He reaches up, brushing his hand over Kurloz's cheek. He's smearing the paint, and he knows this, but he wants to calm him, to soothe him. To get him to understand that he doesn't hold the fact that Kurloz wasn't there in his final moments against him. He knows, now, that this is a troll who would topple the world for him, and he hates seeing him feel guilty or angry at himself.

He shooshes him quietly, the sound whistling through his teeth. "You'll alwayth have me, even if I'm not phythically there. You can't lothe me that eathily."

[carnagecarnival]

His paint is being smeared and he doesn't even care. He doesn't mind. That's something... miraculous. He lifts Mituna's other hand and presses his lips to the back of it. His moirail shushes him and he sighs in one long slow breath.

"IT'S BETTER... WHEN YOU ARE," He says. "I feel better... THERE AIN'T NO HOLES CALLING. There ain't no noise. I LIKE HAVING A BROTHER CLOSE."

But, what he says matters too. There's so much he could parse from that.Even if the idea of his going hurts. The idea that he needs this troll that much is terrifying.

He confesses then, "You got at yourself more gratitude from he than what all he's sure he can give."

[xanthous]

He nods slowly, staying silent. Speaking now could ruin this moment, and he's too shocked to say anything. He knows how broken the Initiate is, and he knows how much worse it will be by the time he's sentencing the Signless to death.

It pains him, it makes his bloodpusher ache so deeply, that their moments here won't change the course of the future. Anything he does won't help the Initiate. He can't fix him or soothe his soul, and it hurts that he's a failure of a moirail.

"You don't need to give me anything." He smiles, raising their hands to press his own kiss to the Initiate's hand. "All I need ith you here and thafe and happy."

[carnagecarnival]

If he knew what the Helmsman was thinking, he'd have more than just a simple word or two to say about it all. But the Initiate is no mind reader. If he had his power he could sense the fear beneath, maybe place the whys, feel out the worst of it. But direct and exact thoughts are beyond even the strongest of chucklvoodoo.

As it is, he smiles back. "I WANT TO," He says. "I want you to have every last bit of this brother's diamond. I WANT FOR A MOTHERFUCKER TO HAVE FOR EVERY LITTLE BIT OF MOTHERFUCKING HAPPINESS WHAT ALL CAN BE SPARED FOR THEE. I want to give you everything you could up and want for. GET OUR EXCHANGE UP AND MUTUALLIKE WE CAN. I already feel at to be the things that you want for. MORE THAN ANY PLACE ELSE HE HAS FELT THIS."

[xanthous]

At least he's gotten good at hiding his emotions. He's so...volatile, so unstable, that he himself can't even fathom just how deep this fear and self-loathing runs.

And with the way Kurloz looks at him, he can push it aside and pretend that everything is okay, because...for the first time it feels like it will be, even if he is a failure.

He huffs a breathy laugh, flicking Kurloz's nose. "I don't want anything. I don't need any gemth or jewelth." He smiles, scooting even closer. He's practically laying on top of Kurloz, but...The cool solidity of his body is more comfortable than his rest platform ever could be. "All I need ith you. Your diamond ith everything I could ever need in a plathe like thith."

[carnagecarnival]

He blurts a "Honk!" when Mituna flicks him and he pulls back to shake his head. He blinks and then grins wide, moving fast to plant a kiss right between the other troll's eyes, up on the bridge of his nose. He bumps his forehead down against the Helmsman's and keeps his arms wrapped around.

"And you called him a motherfucking romantic," He teases. "IT IS YOURS, HE SWEARS IT TO A BROTHER. Paint it gold. LET A BROTHER'S NAME BE CARVED THE FUCK IN. All it and more. WHATEVER YOU WANT OR NEED, HE WILL FIND. Whatever all you fear, you can tell him. AIGHT, BROTHER?"

[xanthous]

He can't hold back his giggles at the honk, and his face scrunches up at the kiss. He nudges his head up, smooshing their noses togeter.

"You're definitely a motherfucking romantic," he mumbles, his cheeks turning the faintest shade of yellow. "I don't know how I'm worthy of thomeone like you at all." He doesn't deserve anything like this. "And you know you can athk the thame of me, right?"

[carnagecarnival]

He just keeps grinning and snickering. With more of the occasional honks. His smile only flickers to a slight frown when his moirail mentions worth.

"Of course he'd share with he," He starts. "BUT WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE WORTHY, BROTHER? You're a brave troll. YOU'RE INTELLIGENT AND YOU'RE LEARNING TO FIGHT AND BE STRONG IN OTHER WAYS WHAT ALL YOU ARE. You're good. YOU'RE BETTER THAN ANY TROLL HERE, BY LEAGUES." He cups Mituna's face. "Why would a brother ever think otherwise?"

[xanthous]

He done fucked up.

Mituna goes silent, and he just...looks away. His blood-pushes aches, and he can feel his eyes stinging. He doesn't deserve the Initiate. He's an idiot, a moron, a weak, terrible, pathetic excuse for a troll, and Kurloz should know that. How can he think he's so much better than he is? Doesn't Kurloz realize that he could find a troll who's so much better? One who's not broken and falling apart at the seams?

He doesn't notice he's crying, but fat, yellow tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he can feel himself trembling. "I...I'm thorry."

[carnagecarnival]

His expression falls ever more when it's clear Mituna's not watching him. He thought he'd been getting better at this all, but maybe not. Definitely not. Mituna starts to cry and his guts fall out with any remainder of the smile. In it's place is horror and pity. His pusher just up and shatters at the apology.

"BROTHER, NO," He says, quick. "You ain't got a damn thing what all to be saying that for, motherfucker, not a damn motherfucking thing."

His arms wraps around his moirail to bring him close, hand cradling the back of his head, and he tries, this time, to shush him properly. The way Mituna can do for him. Just a soft whistling through too-big teeth. The way the shore would sound sometimes on the quiet nights. It's imperfect, but he tries. He presses a kiss to his horns and to the top of his head every so often in between.

Oh Messiahs, he pities this troll so much his stomach flips with it like a fucker on a grief trapeze.

[xanthous]

He leans closer to him, and he wishes he could just become a part of him. If he were a troll more like Kurloz, he would be so much better off. Stronger. Braver. More proper and he'd be worth more. Maybe if he had been a proper troll like Kurloz he wouldn't be so devastated right now.

Pressing into his hand, he lets out a soft, barely audible sigh. Maybe...Maybe this does mean that Kurloz cares for him? And should he really question his judgment.

He reaches up for his hand, and he doesnt say anything, just grabs on and clings as tight as he can.

[carnagecarnival]

Kurloz reaches back. His fingers wrap around Mituna's and he lets his eyes close. He still thinks his Moirail strong, he still thinks all that he said, but sometimes he forgets that he can be fragile too. Mituna isn't exclusively an immovable pillar he can steady himself on, Mituna needs that too. He forgets sometimes, how breakable he is and there's a fear in that, just for him, tailored personal. This troll could bring his worst fears to life, if he wanted.

But he doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to lose this troll. He can be strong as he needs to be for him, as Mituna would.

"MITUNA," He starts, eyes kept closed as he keeps holding on. "I ain't a tower what can be reached. I AIN'T EVEN THE HIGHBLOOD YET, NOT REALLY. Even if a motherfucker was, it don't change the fact I'm a troll. AND SO YOU ARE YOU." He chews on his words before he says, "Please don't be afraid of me. AT LEAST NOT TO WHERE YOU USE ME ALL TO THINK OF YOURSELF LESS."