thecapitol | it's woven in my soul i need to let you go

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it's woven in my soul i need to let you go

Who| Meulin Leijon and Derek Souza
What| getting cranky about the romance column in Celebrus
Where| the tribute tower
When| After the release of Celebrus's August issue!
Warnings/Notes| None at the moment! Probably some talk of arena death, will update as needed

Normally, Derek doesn’t pay much attention to Celebrus. He checks it every once in a while, just to make sure what they’re reporting on him stays consistent with what they’ve always said about him. And admittedly, he’s been checking it a little more recently since he was an idiot and allowed himself to get too caught up in problem solving and Celebrus reported on his mistake, but things seemed to have been dying down.

Until the arena.

He knew what was going to be in it as soon as he opened this month’s copy. Derek hadn’t given anything thought to Celebrus when he was in the arena, and especially not when he’d kissed Chuck, but that was because he assumed both of them would be dead. There was no reason to care what the Capitol reported about them, then. And even when he first read it, he’d been more resigned than anything - it wasn’t the first time that Celebrus and other publications had speculated on what his and Chuck’s relationship really was, or implied that they were together.

Even the fact that it was Meulin, someone who he has something of a fond history with and might almost like, if he liked anyone, doing the writing doesn’t bother him. He wouldn’t expect any different.

But it sets Chuck off. Or, well, it sets him off more. They’ve both been snappy and cranky and pissed off in general since the arena, but Chuck gets worse after Celebrus. They’ve pretty much both been trying to pretend it never happened - or at least, Derek is, and he assumes that Chuck is, too, since he hasn’t broughten it up, but that’s really hard to do with it being written about everywhere.

Really, Derek just needs this to go away, and it’s with that in mind that he sets off in search of Meulin.

He stalks over as soon as he finds her, holding up the latest issue in between them like a shield - or maybe like an accusation, the way his eyes are narrowed at her.

“Why?”

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This bout of Tribute watching had proved relatively uneventful and the usual suspects who invaded her personal space were missing from the Tower. A cup is lifted to her lips as she flips through the latest issue and set aside when she decided this has become a waste of time. Up and gathering her things, he manages to appear out of nowhere, holding out the same magazine with what appeared to be annoyance.

Oh. Well she's hardly surprised by that. He speaks and she doesn't bother trying to get him to repeat it louder or write it down, not yet. It's obvious what he's upset about. She stands her ground.

"What? You know I meant every word in there right, about you two. I've known you two furever."

Hand on her hip, she just shakes her head resolutely. She is positive she is in the right here and they need the push. He'll thank her later.

That's not the answer he was looking for. She has known them forever - that's the main reason that he's here right now, actually talking to her - and he doesn't doubt that she did mean all of it. That makes him... vaguely uncomfortable, in a way he's not really sure he wants to look too closely at, because it means he'll have to admit that maybe she might be something like a friend, that he can't just write her opinion off the same way he does the rest of the people who talk about them.

But that's not the point, and he shakes his head right back at her.

There's a growl in his voice when he speaks, but he catches himself and forces himself to be a little louder, a little clearer.

"Not true."

Meulin watches him speak and her eyes light up when she thinks she might understand. True or you. She mouths both words until she thinks she understands, then shakes her head.

"It's true enough Derek," She says softly, trying to keep her voice down so this isn't a scene, so no one turns to look at them more than they already are. He probably doesn't want that.

"You kissed him, he kissed you back, I watched it Derek..." She had cried, silent and staring as she watched two friends practically admit their love on the deathbed. Two friends who couldn't bridge the last inch even when they thought they were dead or dying and she had too.

"I know I write lies but that was the truest thing I've ever wrote."

He growls at her when she says it was true enough, but looks away when she brings up the kissing, a faint hint of a flush on his cheeks. And then growls again, frustrated with himself. He's being stupid, he'd kissed Chuck and everyone saw it, there's no point in being self-conscious about it.

Except that he doesn't want to talk about this. He just wants her to stop writing about it.

Derek's almost grateful that he has an excuse to stop speaking, and he pulls out a pen and flips the magazine open to write on it.

'It didn't mean anything.'

Which isn't quite true. It did mean something, obviously, or else he wouldn't have done it, Derek just... honestly isn't sure what it does mean, now that neither of them are actually dead. And he doesn't want her to call him on that, so he follows it quickly up with another scribble.

'He doesn't want that.'

Edited 2015-09-13 04:45 (UTC)

Oh please. She raises her eyes to his after she reads, skeptical as he must know she would be. But he claims it was Chuck who didn't want it and her skepticism doubles.

"He kissed you without being kissed first. He kissed back. You told him was worth everything, you looked at each other like you were all that mattered. I don't know what you want to call that besides love, Derek."

If he keeps denying it, she'll keep throwing back what actually happened. This is a battle she's prepared to win.

Derek gives a snort at her last comment. It's never been a question of whether it's love or not, not for Derek - of course he loves Chuck. He always has, and he always will, and he knows that Chuck loves him.

But he doesn't really want to put that in writing, so he switches briefly back to talking.

"It is love." There's a pause, then he repeats himself before he goes back to writing.

'But not like that.'

Derek's never had to categorize what kind of love it was before. You only need to categorize something when you have more than one of it, and Derek didn't, he only had Chuck. Then he was an idiot, and now everything's a mess.

'He's just pissed now.'

She thinks he says the words aloud, her eyes catching the movements that are a hair too fast to be sure. Love. He says love and she doesn't see the work not so it must be a confirmation. So what's the problem? Why doesn't he just tell him.

He's braver than her, why is he having these problems.

"Of course he..." She trails off, too aware of where they are but she pulls the magazine close to and pulls a pen out of her purse to write back. She's a woman used to communicating in text and she writes out a long reply in what seems like too short a time.

Of course he's pissed, he thought he was going to die and you too. It was a miracle when you two came back. I was so relieved.

Give him time to get over it, to catch his breath. And don't tell me it isn't like that. I know better. I know what I write that's false and lies and what might be true, and what is true everyday. You love him so let him know!! >:O

But he's not braver than her, not really. Not when it comes to this, and not when he isn't even sure that's what he might want for Chuck. He's gone his whole life being perfectly happy without it, and he doesn't understand why that needs to change now.

He pulls the magazine back towards him, eyes skimming over it a lot more quickly than one might expect from someone as dumb as he makes himself out to be, but he's too worked up to pretend he's not a speed reader right now.

And he's shaking his head before he's even finished. He flips back to where he'd written 'He's just pissed now.' and underlines it a couple of times before jabbing his finger at the section about them. Chuck's mad about the arena, yeah, but he's snappy and surly because of Celebrus.

'He knows. Neither of us want that, we're happy the way we are.'

He reads quickly, replies quickly, and it's times like this when she wonders how he hides how smart and quick he is. It makes her a little sad when she thinks about it too hard. His reply makes her even sadder.

"You're not happy. And it's not just with me writing about it, not just me bringing it out in the open, you wouldn't be happy with this even if I had left it alone."

She shakes her to ward off any denial, "So he knows, but you're both too chicken to do anything about it? Even talk about it? Where are my brave victors? Kiss him you idiot if you can't talk about it. See how it feels when you're not afraid of dying."

Denial was definitely coming, but he holds it back when she keeps going.

But what she says just makes him mad. If she has a point, he's not willing to admit it, and he doesn't like feeling cornered like this.

Especially when he hasn't even figured things out for himself.

He snarls at her, wanting to shout, but he doesn't want to draw attention to them, and there's no point when she probably won't follow half of it. So instead, he writes furiously before shoving it at her with another growl.

'Kissing is boring. I've tried enough of it to know. Not everyone is obsessed with dumb romance, maybe you should stop paying so much attention to everyone else's and look at your own.'

She opens her mouth to reply before it's all read, a word on her lips about how it isn't, not with the right people. It dies before it's started. Oh. Oh.. She pulls up her smile before people notice the flustered shock on her face, shakes her head. A smile whose twin he sees in the suites, pulled tighter and stitched shut. Nothing to see here. Everything is fine.

"It's my job to pay attention to romances but I paid attention to yours before then. Derek, just try to figure it out. I know there's something there. Unlike my own love life. Or lack thereof."

She's trying to laugh his remark off, trying desperately to deny that someone might have noticed how she acts around Kurloz.

He knows that smile.

And he knows that it's... not necessarily fake, but it's not real, either. It's complicated, though maybe less complicated than when he sees it on Kurloz, but he doesn't want to go there, to look too closely at it and remember what he saw in Kurloz's dream.

Instead he snorts at her lack of love life, and flips back up in the magazine to underline her own words: 'don't tell me it isn't like that. I know better.'

Derek stares at her for a moment, then writes next to it, 'A lot easier to say that kind of shit when it's about someone else.'

It is, it's so much easier to say it about someone else. To advise, to look at them skeptically when they say they can't, they can't, they just can't. The uncertainty of it all keeps her from saying anything to anyone except one and that had went poorly. She wants to keep throwing herself into other peoples romance, so uncomplicated, so easy.

She takes the pen back to writes out quickly, something she won't say aloud.

I know it is. We've kissed. Don't spread it around please. I don't know what it is yet. But I know what it's like to not know what you have! Be the braver person! You're smarter than this.

I don't know what it is yet.

Something twists in his chest when he reads that. Understanding, more than he's ever felt with another person who isn't Chuck, and he doesn't really know what to do with that. Derek hates it when he doesn't know things, and it's even worse when he can't even figure out what the hell he wants, let alone what Chuck wants.

But Derek was the one who kissed Chuck. If Chuck wanted anything from that, he would have done something about it by now.

He circles Don't spread it around please and writes 'Never' next to it, even as he shakes his head at the rest of it.

'He's angry. I have to fix that first.'

A smile trembles on her lips now, not the fake pulled tight, but as if she's so uncertain about it. He says never and it's such a relief. Such a horrible hypocritical relief. She wraps her arms around herself to hold all that uncertain feeling in. He's a friend and sometimes he's a friend and that's all the difference.

"You've been dealing with him since you could hardly walk. If anyone knows how to fix his angry moods, it's you. And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. About it all. You two. Whatever you do or don't have a name for."

He ducks his head a little. It doesn't occur to him to smile back, but there's something almost like understanding in his expression, which is different enough from his normal scowl that it might as well be a smile.

Derek considers her words for a long moment. It's true enough, he and Chuck have always been the best at fixing each other's angry moods - and he has to believe that it's true even now, even when he doesn't know what'll appease him. But for the rest of it -

'I've never been interested before.'

He honestly isn't even sure if he's interested now. Especially if Chuck isn't interested, as he so clearly isn't. And yet...

'I'll work on figuring it out if you will.'

Meulin can feel the curious stares but she's focused more on what his face and his eyes say, something more like actually getting each other than they've had in ages. Her expression settles into something softer, something sweeter, than her hesitance or her forced smiles of before.

She opens her mouth to reply at first, but then he adds on and it gives her pause. Work on figuring it out if she does. It's something she wants to do anyway, piece together this puzzle she and Kurloz have created with kisses and dances and pulling just far enough away.

"Yes. Let's both give it our best shot. Maybe one of us, at least, will figure it out."

That makes Derek smile, just a little, small and satisfied as he nods. He likes figuring things out, and he likes the competition, the team work, even if they're both set on different but semi-related problems.

It's so much easier if he just thinks of it as another problem to solve, and he's calmed down considerably since he first showed up. He was never mad at her, not really. It'd be stupid to be mad at her for something that she's always done, and that he knew very well she'd do this time. He was just mad, lashing out at the best target, and he can recognize that now that he's settled on an approach to solve this.

He folds the magazine back in on itself, absently shredding it into tiny strips so that any evidence of their written conversation is destroyed.

"Deal. Good luck."

It's not any easier for her to think of it as a problem to solve but having someone who shares it, who understands, that makes the uncertainty easier. Her shoulders relax as she catches that smile and saves it up. He hardly smiles anymore and so she feels a little pride at being the recipient of something so rare. He doesn't offer them up for any passerby like her.

She watches him tear up the magazine into little pieces. She should have offered to take it home and throw it away there but he's already started and who really cares?

"I was heading out when you popped over. So I think I'll go ahead and do that."

Is she avoiding a possible run in with Kurloz? Possibly. Yet, it was also the truth. Before she waves goodbye, she gives him a quick little hug.

"Good luck, really. You two deserve something happy."

Even if she had, he'd have wanted to tear it up. Maybe he's paranoid, but it makes him feel better not to have what he'd written down out there.

He starts to nod when she says she's heading out - and then she hugs him, and he freezes. Derek honestly can't remember the last time someone hugged him - someone who wasn't Chuck or maybe Peggy, anyway - and he genuinely doesn't know what to do about it. His instincts kick in, somehow, and he tentatively places a hand between her shoulder blades for a brief second before he drops it.

Then he ducks his head, giving a little growl in response as he looks after her in something that might almost be bewilderment, if he wasn't scowling so hard.

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