He can't. It goes through him. Just up and fucking runs him through and he makes a noise of pain for it. But compared to the scream, it's faint.
His breath catches and he flinches away from Sam at first. He curls in like he's going to be struck-- or worse, that he might hurt Sam somehow. But then, slowly, a little reluctantly he starts to lean against him. He doesn't get to be held like this. He was never small enough, except in his mind when all defences fell and he felt too weak.
He stays there against Sam, trembling, too ashamed to even want his his moirail-- past or present. Maybe he'd crawl to Kankri later. Maybe he'd slip into his room and barricade the door like he used to. It feels like he's there with Sam for a long time, trying to cease his crying. Hearing I don't want good, Kurloz. I want this. He finds himself starting up all over, trying to bury his face in his hands, claws digging in to skin and scalp, his hair all a veil too long.
"YOU-- S-SOUND LIKE T-TEREZI." He'd have laughed were it another time. If he maybe didn't feel like this. "Culled her bes' f-friend way back. I DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE. But she came to me. SHE ALWAYS GOT THIS FUCKIN..." Delusion is too cruel by her, even if it's right by him. "THING. Thinking I had something in me. GOT UNDER THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S SKIN. But that's how she got me. TOLD HER I COULDN'T DO RIGHT, AND SO TO BETTER CALL US ENEMY THAN FALSE FUCKING HOPES. Didn't accept that, her. SHE MADE ME DEAL. She'd get all to help when I couldn't see ways out but through hurting motherfuckers. ALL WHAT I HAD TO DO WAS TRY. Wanted to make Mituna proud too, but it was so hard, Sam. SO FUCKING HARD TO BE MAKING UP WHAT GOODNESS I DIDN'T HAVE."
He took the chance. He said yes to the deal. It was his greatest gift and downfall all the same. He screamed at her for what she had fucking expected, for why she didn't just go. And then she said because you stayed and he was doomed so fucking irrevocably.
In ways literal now.
"She told me. ALL THEM OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS OF MY WORLD GOT TO SPILLING BITS. It's how my world works there's... there's a thousand of me, Sam. MORE THAN. All those timelines as where something didn't got at to plan. THERE'S SO MANY BY WHAT ERRORS GOT BEING DONE OF THE CHOSEN TWELVE DESCENDANTS. And of my past life, when I was chosen. BUT IN NOT FUCKING ONE OF THEM HAVE I BEEN DIFFERENT. I just wanted one chance..." To be different. To be good. To not be doomed, to not be fucked up by some thing or other. "I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. I don't wanna forget what I've got. I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER AS TO LOSE IT ALL NEITHER! I'd rather die. I AIN'T SCARED OF DYING, BUT THIS--" He's terrified. "If I'm dooming motherfuckers, I'm just killing everyone anyway. SHE'S A SEER OF SUCH THINGS, MY GIRL. Doomed motherfuckers get to paying, them what's closest even more so, and the center sinner most of all. I FIGURED IF AT I COULD STAY HERE, WHERE THE TIMELINES AIN'T BEING SO CLEAR, NOT SET NONE LIKE ALTERNIA, I COULD BE HAPPY! But even up without I'm just motherfucking tired. I'M SO TIRED OF HURTING. Being Highblood don't hurt as much so I..."
He hadn't even thought about it. It happened, came the fuck over him. He had option of this, his breaking down, or that, and of course he took that. He'd always rather sell his soul than break his heart. He always ended up doing it anyway.
"AND GAMZEE. Messiahs dammit. THEY KILLED HIM! They did fucking who knows what to him, and my other, and fucking Da. I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE! I should've saved them! THEY ALL GO BACK TO DEATH OR FUCKING TURNING INTO ME. He didn't deserve that, Sam, Gamzee was good, he didn't need winding up like me..."
He just curls up, tighter and tighter. It was all so bad. But the worst thing? The worst thing was telling somebody.
no subject
His breath catches and he flinches away from Sam at first. He curls in like he's going to be struck-- or worse, that he might hurt Sam somehow. But then, slowly, a little reluctantly he starts to lean against him. He doesn't get to be held like this. He was never small enough, except in his mind when all defences fell and he felt too weak.
He stays there against Sam, trembling, too ashamed to even want his his moirail-- past or present. Maybe he'd crawl to Kankri later. Maybe he'd slip into his room and barricade the door like he used to. It feels like he's there with Sam for a long time, trying to cease his crying. Hearing I don't want good, Kurloz. I want this. He finds himself starting up all over, trying to bury his face in his hands, claws digging in to skin and scalp, his hair all a veil too long.
"YOU-- S-SOUND LIKE T-TEREZI." He'd have laughed were it another time. If he maybe didn't feel like this. "Culled her bes' f-friend way back. I DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE. But she came to me. SHE ALWAYS GOT THIS FUCKIN..." Delusion is too cruel by her, even if it's right by him. "THING. Thinking I had something in me. GOT UNDER THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S SKIN. But that's how she got me. TOLD HER I COULDN'T DO RIGHT, AND SO TO BETTER CALL US ENEMY THAN FALSE FUCKING HOPES. Didn't accept that, her. SHE MADE ME DEAL. She'd get all to help when I couldn't see ways out but through hurting motherfuckers. ALL WHAT I HAD TO DO WAS TRY. Wanted to make Mituna proud too, but it was so hard, Sam. SO FUCKING HARD TO BE MAKING UP WHAT GOODNESS I DIDN'T HAVE."
He took the chance. He said yes to the deal. It was his greatest gift and downfall all the same. He screamed at her for what she had fucking expected, for why she didn't just go. And then she said because you stayed and he was doomed so fucking irrevocably.
In ways literal now.
"She told me. ALL THEM OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS OF MY WORLD GOT TO SPILLING BITS. It's how my world works there's... there's a thousand of me, Sam. MORE THAN. All those timelines as where something didn't got at to plan. THERE'S SO MANY BY WHAT ERRORS GOT BEING DONE OF THE CHOSEN TWELVE DESCENDANTS. And of my past life, when I was chosen. BUT IN NOT FUCKING ONE OF THEM HAVE I BEEN DIFFERENT. I just wanted one chance..." To be different. To be good. To not be doomed, to not be fucked up by some thing or other. "I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. I don't wanna forget what I've got. I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER AS TO LOSE IT ALL NEITHER! I'd rather die. I AIN'T SCARED OF DYING, BUT THIS--" He's terrified. "If I'm dooming motherfuckers, I'm just killing everyone anyway. SHE'S A SEER OF SUCH THINGS, MY GIRL. Doomed motherfuckers get to paying, them what's closest even more so, and the center sinner most of all. I FIGURED IF AT I COULD STAY HERE, WHERE THE TIMELINES AIN'T BEING SO CLEAR, NOT SET NONE LIKE ALTERNIA, I COULD BE HAPPY! But even up without I'm just motherfucking tired. I'M SO TIRED OF HURTING. Being Highblood don't hurt as much so I..."
He hadn't even thought about it. It happened, came the fuck over him. He had option of this, his breaking down, or that, and of course he took that. He'd always rather sell his soul than break his heart. He always ended up doing it anyway.
"AND GAMZEE. Messiahs dammit. THEY KILLED HIM! They did fucking who knows what to him, and my other, and fucking Da. I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE! I should've saved them! THEY ALL GO BACK TO DEATH OR FUCKING TURNING INTO ME. He didn't deserve that, Sam, Gamzee was good, he didn't need winding up like me..."
He just curls up, tighter and tighter. It was all so bad. But the worst thing? The worst thing was telling somebody.