Albert would ever torpedo a kid into the food tables, even one as patience-trying as Dave. What sort of person do you think he is? Just because he's 5'10' and shaped distinctly like a buff dorito. That's discrimination. Shame on you.

The crimes he doesn't take seriously - it's difficult to when his own list includes penguin impersonation - but regarding Eponine's assessment, he feels he needs to make an unbiased one of his own. He says he doesn't want to make it a case of one word over another, but then goes on to say she's lying so Albert's pretty sure he wants his side heard. "Alright, then tell me what actually happened."