fintastic: (i'll be okay)
♓ Feferi Peixes // cuttlefishCuller ([personal profile] fintastic) wrote in [community profile] thecapitol2014-10-09 07:39 am

[closed]

Who| Feferi and Sollux
What| Teenage relationship drama
Where| The Training Center roof
When| a few days after the Lonestar post
Warnings/Notes| just kids being stupid

Maybe taking a few days off might be beneficial for Sollux; Feferi can only guess. All she knows is that it's not beneficial for her. She wants to resolve this, one way or another; she hates having it hang over her head. For the few days she spends avoiding him, she fills her time with steaming over the words they exchanged.

He thinks she's stupid. And then he just goes and volunteers her without even talking to her. Her doesn't trust her, and the more she thinks about it, the more he's already turned his back on her, whether it was his intention or not. It hurts, and she doesn't know what to do. She feels betrayed, insulted, unimportant... she feels like this is becoming one-sided, and that's not a path she's willing to go down again.

She cries a lot, during their few days apart, because she doesn't know what else to do, and when she doesn't want to deal with people asking her questions about it, she retreats to the roof and curls up in a secluded area. Normally so social, she just wants to be left alone. It's a weird feeling, but she can't think of anyone she could even talk to about this.
onthelii2p: (151)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 03:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Sollux spends his days trying to distract himself. He feels awful and off-balance, like missing a piece of himself. He doesn't want to dwell for how negative it feels. Pessimism is too easy, and even after the Initiate gave talk of second chances before Lonestar even put up his post, it's a hard habit to let go.

He worked off what he knew, but he didn't know enough. He wanted to be useful for plans already there. And she wanted to work with people too, and be careful, and those weren't wrong, but... Getting caught in the unknowns and assumptions and differences of outlook tangled him all up, and plain stating that he didn't want to lose her wasn't enough to fix it then.

He's wandered around. He's messed around in the training area. He's buried himself in video games in his district's common room. It's when he gets alone that it all creeps back in, a winding knot of complication he turns over and over trying to figure out how to unravel. For these days past he hasn't sought her out, despite how he misses her; he doesn't know when she'll feel right seeing him. If she still wants to - he can't stop worrying over the thought of breakup, how she brought it up, how things kept being phrased a choice between people.

He misses Karkat. For all he liked to keep issues private (and he feels stupid for bringing it before the Initiate, before Lonestar), he might have been able to help. He misses him still as a friend in general, and one loss makes the chance of another of a different type seem more bleak to ponder.

So when he finds his way up to the roof a few days later, it's not with finding Feferi in mind, but there she is all the same. Two horns like opposed parentheses, hair long and wavy, unmistakeable where she's curled. She doesn't look happy, but he doesn't presume to know the thoughts behind it. Dread sits as a heavy weight in his stomach, and a part of him flat out wants to run for it, but...

He calls out, "Feferi, can we talk?"
onthelii2p: (152)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 03:52 pm (UTC)(link)
It hurts him to see her like this, especially as he moves closer and sees the whole of it: stained cheeks, tangled hair, and the whole of her posture besides. He doesn't look his best - he hasn't slept well either - but his crying's been less frequent. When he sits, it's a space away from her. She seems too fragile in a sense, like he might break her with the wrong move. There's a sick, coiling guilt in him for all of this.

"I'm thorry," he says first. His words start off slow as he gathers them. "I shouldn't have called you thtupid - not directly, or to other people. And I'm thorry for dragging the Initiate into our fight."

He almost wants to apologize that it had to happen there, but keeping it there was her idea, really. He wanted to talk in person. But as she pointed out, it wasn't really an option. He has to be more careful for it now, here.

"I didn't know enough of your plan. You told me thome thtuff but..." How to put this? "I didn't know all of it, or what you came up with thinthe then, or what it meant. I wanted to get you involved tho you could help, and I didn't... thtop to think you might not want me to? Not the way I did."

He can't even look at her like this. His gaze is settled on his feet, set before him, knees bent loosely. His hands are on the ground at his sides.

"It didn't theem like it would work with what wath already happening and what the Initiate thaid to me, and I didn't thee why you couldn't talk to me about thingth there, and it felt like being forthed away from thomething where I knew I could help. I trutht it. I have reathonth to trutht it, and jutht becauthe I can't lay them out well doethn't mean they aren't there. If I can talk to people and be utheful the regular way already, I don't thee why I need to do thomething thpecial jutht to be able to talk to my matethprit about it.

"I underthtand that you thtill want to help, and that you're... thcared? Cautiouth? And I underthtand wanting thome privathy but... I want to do it all together. And I want to be utheful now, not wait around for thome maybe in the future."

One, then the other, his legs fold down and together. His arms come in to rest atop them; he sits hunched, sight drifting out to the city beyond the rooftop.

"I love you, and I don't want to lothe you," he says softly, "but I don't know all what you want."
onthelii2p: (011)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 05:36 pm (UTC)(link)
He has to bite back an objection as she starts. He wants to argue it, but she sat and listened to the whole of what he said, and he owes her the same respect. He at least knows it won't help anything if he just fires off his mouth as soon as he has something to say. He rightly guesses that she'd have more beyond it, and his jaws press tight together as if to keep a hold on what he might say otherwise. He does understand her euphemism, though, and it does lay out some more of what she meant and what had her so upset.

When she brings his issues into it, his moodswings, he finds himself looking down again. He's not shaking, but it doesn't feel promising as he rolls it around in his head.

He takes a moment after she's finished, to make sure she has and to think alike. "I didn't tell them all. I thaid you wanted to help thingth, and thaid maybe the three of uth should talk tho you could put your ideath forward. But then I got mad about thingth, about mithunderthtandingth, and it blew up and wrecked that chanthe. And after, I... I wath tho fruthtrated, I jutht wanted to talk to you plainly and not act like I wath hiding thingth."

He feels bad as it is. He traced down Lonestar, and he has to hide that for safety's sake, but he didn't want to wreck that chance either by being secretive over Feferi's plot. It's a whole new thing he hasn't had to navigate before, and that newness makes it difficult.

"I don't know how much it meanth now, but I'm thorry I didn't athk." The purrbeast is out of the burlap sack. He can't fix what already happened, and it doesn't do a thing for want of not lying to Lonestar.

"And my mood thwingth..." This is the hard part, and his features all press in for it. He looks over to her, brief and hurting and not knowing what to do for it. "I get mad. I blow up at thingth, at people. And it happened and I blew up at you and it'th not thomething I can jutht... turn off for people. It'th difficult. It doethn't mean I don't care, but it'th a thing that happenth thtill. I... I don't know if that'th thomething you'll want to put up with, becauthe I can try, and I do try, but I can't promithe it will go away or won't happen for you."

It's going to be a point plaguing him, he knows. Even if she decides to stick with him still and give him that chance, it will eat at his mind with the worry of it. If she leaves it will be even worse. It's not a thing he blames her for, because it's not fair and he knows it isn't, and he's witness first and foremost to what it causes. It's nothing new, not even close.

"I can try to communicate better," he says. "But the other thtuff ith thtill going to be there. I can't pretend it won't."
onthelii2p: (121)

it feels weird making this mostly words but talk is pretty much the focus more than action

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 06:44 pm (UTC)(link)
"And that'th why I wanted you to talk to them," he says now. He sits up straighter, looking to her. "Tho you could learn thothe thingth, and propothe your ideath to thee if they could work. I know I got mad and worked up and made a methh of thingth, and I'm thorry for that part, but the idea itthelf... I don't think it wath wrong. It would have been a chanthe for you to do that, to prove you can be truthted, and that they can be too.

"But they have told me thingth. I've athked quethtionth and learned thingth I never even knew about, and... and thtrategieth to fight better becauthe of that," he continues, piggybacking off her euphemism. "I have thingth I can try and wayth to help. I've been told more allieth I can make and what we can do together."

He can't say them plainly here, but he hopes she can imagine the gist. Things he can hack, code things he can do, ways to help all through that. And despite everything, it still feels sort of like a blow that she can't trust in his trust.

"Blood thtuff affectth me too, though. The Inititate'th a highblood, but... I've learned about him, inthide and outthide the arena, and if he wath going to hurt me for it he would have done it a long time ago. I know you're both good, tho I wanted to give that chanthe, like I thaid."

His brow furrows a bit. Things really have been all over, and he needs the pause to gather himself again.

"What you're thaying there doeth make thenthe, jutht... It feelth like you think I'm being more recklethh about thith than I am. And I did take thome chantheth, I admit that, but I had to tho I could do anything with thith at all." He's not even sure where it's leading in the end. He hopes she can see his reasoning, but he's not sure how much it's a problem of sight versus disagreement of method.

He finishes with the acknowledgement, "I am glad you want to help, though. I am. I know it can work out if we try thith."
onthelii2p: (020)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 07:55 pm (UTC)(link)
Things she says are things that can't change, things already done, or things that can only be done better in the future. Fighting them would be reigniting the old argument, and he doesn't have need of repeating himself. He doesn't feel very solid about things anymore; he's left with the hope that he can pick up the pieces and handle it better in the future, but that doesn't help right now.

And that's before she brings up the arena. "FF..."

He can't bear to see her like that. It's now that he edges over closer, and not sure he's allowed, reaches to put his hand at her shoulder. He wants to hold her. He can't make it better, but he still feels so bad for her that it had to happen at all.

It's strange, though. That fear isn't in him the same way it is in her. He thought of himself as useless, directionless, and doomed. If he couldn't take the risk here, what was the point? If he dies along the way it will be just what he expected, in some part of him. He's never been afraid to die if it saves someone else.

Still, he doesn't begrudge her her fear in the least.

"What can I do for you?" he asks. He doesn't know when she's sat here crying before him about things beyond his reach, and that's his clearest way of acknowledging it.
onthelii2p: (082)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 09:13 pm (UTC)(link)
Funnily enough, that's part of why he's jumped in on this. Without voices to warn him of the unavoidable, it's hard to have direction, but this has given him it. It's a chance for his skills to be put to use in ways that are plainly spoken and proposed. He may still be left in the dark about what deaths might come to follow, but at least now he can fight against it.

With her lack of movement, he keeps his hand on her but doesn't move any closer. He wants more, but he can't presume it's okay. To hear her speak again outright shocks it off of her.

"Why do you keep saying that?" His hand hovers in the air, then lowers away. "I never thaid I wanted to break up. I never even mentioned it - I've thaid the ekthact oppothite thith whole time," he insists. "If you hadn't brought it up it never would have been an issue."

His eyes search her face as his eyebrows draw in. "I've been trying to talk tho we can underthtand each other and fikth thingth. And I know it hathn't gone thmoothly, but I've been trying. I've been worried and thcared ever thinthe we fought, and had to thtruggle jutht to get my mind off how mitherable I wath about it, and want to help you - and you thay it feelth like I want to break up? You're the only one who keepth thaying it. You..."

It's a strange feeling that wells up in him. He doesn't want to believe this. He doesn't want it to be happening at all. But now that the fear has bubbled up in his mind, he can't just set it aside without asking it.

"It thoundth like... Do you want to end it, yourthelf?"
onthelii2p: (007)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 09:45 pm (UTC)(link)
"Thtop thaying that!" he snaps back as his shoulders tense. He's not about to cry, but he's frustrated and can't understand any of this. "You're putting wordth in my mouth and thaying I feel thingth I don't. I don't apprethiate it, and it'th not helping."

He sits back with a heavy sigh. How does he even tackle this? His thumb and forefinger slip up under the rim of his shades as he thinks to rub over closed eyelids.

He speaks slowly as he sets to explaining himself. "I felt uthelethh becauthe I wath uthelethh. I couldn't fight. I couldn't protect you. And planth were jutht 'maybe' or elthe 'thomeday thomething will happen'. It didn't make me feel anything I wathn't feeling already. And now I have thingth I can try, tho that'th being tholved - tho unlethh you are telling me not to trutht thethe people or ally with them, then I don't thee why we're even arguing thith."
onthelii2p: (121)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 10:17 pm (UTC)(link)
He frowns, starting, "I thaid unlethh you did, not that--"

But she gets up. She gets up and makes fists and paces and--holy shit--screams just to get it out. It freezes him up, at first, until as she moves back he goes to stand, himself.

His gaze is startled and wary, but it settles more to tired, unhappy frustration as she speaks again. Another sigh leaves him, this one slow and soft. "I don't know." He really doesn't anymore. "Thith ith thtupid. Thith ith all thtupid. I don't even want to break up and yet here we're arguing about it anyway--and that'th another dumb fight on top of everything already making thtuff awful."

He tries pacing himself, but he's too tired to scream, and he can't find anything to kick. He'd really like to kick something. He feels about like kicking himself for everything, really.

"Neither of uth wantth to fight, but neither of uth wantth to end thtuff, and yet neither of uth knowth how to make it thtop, tho what?" His head turns to her again. "I don't know what I'm thuppothed to do."
Edited 2014-10-09 22:20 (UTC)
onthelii2p: (052)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 10:38 pm (UTC)(link)
The lines of his face meld into worry, tugging at his eyes, his mouth, his eyebrows. Normally a hug would speak only to good things, and a smile too, but right now he's too tangled in all their struggle to make heads or tails of it. What could be something hopeful could just as easily be preparing to let him down gently.

But even if it is--

He steps forward, slipping his head over her shoulder as he slips his arms around her. If lack of confidence can slip into a hug, it's in this one, but it's a hug just the same. He doesn't say anything just yet.
onthelii2p: (094)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-09 10:59 pm (UTC)(link)
As soon as she says another try, Sollux tightens his grasp. Not to be painful, no, but firm and grateful and with hope. He really didn't want this to end, and though he still feels hurt that she thought he wanted to, it's enough to know it's not over yet.

"Okay," he says. He doesn't want to think about a future where they maybe do have to break up, but it's a plan and it's in the future and he doesn't have to worry right now. Right now he just wants to hold her.
onthelii2p: (097)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-10 05:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Okay, it is a little gross. She's wet with tears and snot and that ugliness of crying that media forgets so often, but fuck it, she's his girlfriend and he's just glad he hasn't lost her. He can change. His shirt will wash. She's worth more than worrying about a little discomfort or stain.

When she pulls back - he hasn't kept track, either - he loosens his hold just enough to look back down at her. He blinks first, but the thought brings a soft, hopeful smile.

"Yeah. That might be nithe." He'd know, if he stopped to think about it, that they'd get gawked at and watched and probably photographed again. He's even tried to make the best of their quadrant for PR already, with that interview he got dragged to. But right now that's not on his mind. "I think I jutht want to relakth today - thith hath been kind of ekthauthting, emotionally - but definitely thoon," he says, and he nods for emphasis. "Maybe... Maybe tomorrow?"
onthelii2p: (059)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-13 08:55 pm (UTC)(link)
"I'd like that."

He tips his head in, just to press a kiss to her forehead, soft and affectionate. Fights aren't new to him on the whole of things, but ones of this magnitude with her in particular are a new thing, and a worrying one. Time spent together and affection shared seem suited to renewing that bond and affirming their desire to make things work. He'd really rather not have to go through this stress again, even if their agreement would cut out the days of wondering between.

He steps away from her proper now, but reaches to hold her hand. "Your block or mine?"
onthelii2p: (030)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-14 06:16 pm (UTC)(link)
Now that finally gets him to laugh, a snickering, half-snorted thing. "But FF, don't you want to thee me in one of your frilly thkirtth? Maybe I'll look like I actually have a butt for onthe."

He heads for the door now, holding her hand all the way, and namely for the elevator. His room it is, but he can't resist teasing her.
onthelii2p: (113)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-17 03:30 am (UTC)(link)
Oh no, his laugh's not going to stop down. It elongates into that ehehehehe of his, cutting into his attempts at speech and rattling his shoulders. "Oh man," he hisses out between snicker-fits. "Yeth. Hell yeth. Hell fucking yeth. Let'th hunt down my thtylitht tho we can make sure it happenth. Publithithe it acrothh the Capitol, even. I'll thtart a fashion trend."

He just managed to get that last bit out before laughter overtakes him again. It's enough from there to climb into the elevator and press the button for District 9.
onthelii2p: (063)

[personal profile] onthelii2p 2014-10-24 03:50 pm (UTC)(link)
He can't complain about her wearing it, honestly. Those pants were nice on her. He has eyes; he noticed. But the thought of wearing them together on a date... He really can't stop laughing now. It kills his ability for a proper response, and it's as the elevator stops and they get off that he's calming back to normal.

"Okay--okay, let'th thtop now," he says, between a last giggle or two. "I'll fall off the bed if you keep making me laugh, and it'th kind of hard to cuddle like that." With a gentle tug, he goes to lead her off to his room. "Bethideth, I don't think I want to share how my butt would look in thothe pantth with the Capitol. My butt ith a privilege they don't detherve."