♓ Feferi Peixes // cuttlefishCuller (
fintastic) wrote in
thecapitol2014-10-09 07:39 am
Entry tags:
[closed]
Who| Feferi and Sollux
What| Teenage relationship drama
Where| The Training Center roof
When| a few days after the Lonestar post
Warnings/Notes| just kids being stupid
Maybe taking a few days off might be beneficial for Sollux; Feferi can only guess. All she knows is that it's not beneficial for her. She wants to resolve this, one way or another; she hates having it hang over her head. For the few days she spends avoiding him, she fills her time with steaming over the words they exchanged.
He thinks she's stupid. And then he just goes and volunteers her without even talking to her. Her doesn't trust her, and the more she thinks about it, the more he's already turned his back on her, whether it was his intention or not. It hurts, and she doesn't know what to do. She feels betrayed, insulted, unimportant... she feels like this is becoming one-sided, and that's not a path she's willing to go down again.
She cries a lot, during their few days apart, because she doesn't know what else to do, and when she doesn't want to deal with people asking her questions about it, she retreats to the roof and curls up in a secluded area. Normally so social, she just wants to be left alone. It's a weird feeling, but she can't think of anyone she could even talk to about this.
What| Teenage relationship drama
Where| The Training Center roof
When| a few days after the Lonestar post
Warnings/Notes| just kids being stupid
Maybe taking a few days off might be beneficial for Sollux; Feferi can only guess. All she knows is that it's not beneficial for her. She wants to resolve this, one way or another; she hates having it hang over her head. For the few days she spends avoiding him, she fills her time with steaming over the words they exchanged.
He thinks she's stupid. And then he just goes and volunteers her without even talking to her. Her doesn't trust her, and the more she thinks about it, the more he's already turned his back on her, whether it was his intention or not. It hurts, and she doesn't know what to do. She feels betrayed, insulted, unimportant... she feels like this is becoming one-sided, and that's not a path she's willing to go down again.
She cries a lot, during their few days apart, because she doesn't know what else to do, and when she doesn't want to deal with people asking her questions about it, she retreats to the roof and curls up in a secluded area. Normally so social, she just wants to be left alone. It's a weird feeling, but she can't think of anyone she could even talk to about this.

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He worked off what he knew, but he didn't know enough. He wanted to be useful for plans already there. And she wanted to work with people too, and be careful, and those weren't wrong, but... Getting caught in the unknowns and assumptions and differences of outlook tangled him all up, and plain stating that he didn't want to lose her wasn't enough to fix it then.
He's wandered around. He's messed around in the training area. He's buried himself in video games in his district's common room. It's when he gets alone that it all creeps back in, a winding knot of complication he turns over and over trying to figure out how to unravel. For these days past he hasn't sought her out, despite how he misses her; he doesn't know when she'll feel right seeing him. If she still wants to - he can't stop worrying over the thought of breakup, how she brought it up, how things kept being phrased a choice between people.
He misses Karkat. For all he liked to keep issues private (and he feels stupid for bringing it before the Initiate, before Lonestar), he might have been able to help. He misses him still as a friend in general, and one loss makes the chance of another of a different type seem more bleak to ponder.
So when he finds his way up to the roof a few days later, it's not with finding Feferi in mind, but there she is all the same. Two horns like opposed parentheses, hair long and wavy, unmistakeable where she's curled. She doesn't look happy, but he doesn't presume to know the thoughts behind it. Dread sits as a heavy weight in his stomach, and a part of him flat out wants to run for it, but...
He calls out, "Feferi, can we talk?"
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She thought she wanted this, but now she's not so sure. If this means it's going to be over...
"Okay." Her response is meek; he might not even be able to hear her, so she nods as well. She doesn't make a move to uncurl herself, but there's enough space next to her anyway. When he gets closer, it's easy to see that her hair is a mess, like she hasn't been brushing it as well as she should, and her eyes are puffy and bloodshot from all the crying and restless sleep. Her shoulders shake with the occasional uncontrollable sob, even though she's trying to reel herself in.
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"I'm thorry," he says first. His words start off slow as he gathers them. "I shouldn't have called you thtupid - not directly, or to other people. And I'm thorry for dragging the Initiate into our fight."
He almost wants to apologize that it had to happen there, but keeping it there was her idea, really. He wanted to talk in person. But as she pointed out, it wasn't really an option. He has to be more careful for it now, here.
"I didn't know enough of your plan. You told me thome thtuff but..." How to put this? "I didn't know all of it, or what you came up with thinthe then, or what it meant. I wanted to get you involved tho you could help, and I didn't... thtop to think you might not want me to? Not the way I did."
He can't even look at her like this. His gaze is settled on his feet, set before him, knees bent loosely. His hands are on the ground at his sides.
"It didn't theem like it would work with what wath already happening and what the Initiate thaid to me, and I didn't thee why you couldn't talk to me about thingth there, and it felt like being forthed away from thomething where I knew I could help. I trutht it. I have reathonth to trutht it, and jutht becauthe I can't lay them out well doethn't mean they aren't there. If I can talk to people and be utheful the regular way already, I don't thee why I need to do thomething thpecial jutht to be able to talk to my matethprit about it.
"I underthtand that you thtill want to help, and that you're... thcared? Cautiouth? And I underthtand wanting thome privathy but... I want to do it all together. And I want to be utheful now, not wait around for thome maybe in the future."
One, then the other, his legs fold down and together. His arms come in to rest atop them; he sits hunched, sight drifting out to the city beyond the rooftop.
"I love you, and I don't want to lothe you," he says softly, "but I don't know all what you want."
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"I just wish... that you had asked me first. Instead of just running off and deciding to tell all my secrets to someone I've never met, and then trying to make me prove myself to them." She finally does look up at him, but it's taking a lot of effort to keep herself compose. There's a lump lodged in her throat, and it's hard to talk; some of her words squeak as she tries to force them out. "All you had to do was say, hey Feferi, I met these people and I like them, why don't you come talk to them too? Instead of just telling them yourself what you just said you didn't even know."
It's hard, too, having to be so vague now. She's not sure how well they're being monitored up here. She's trying to keep her voice low, and he words general enough that it could really be about anything.
"I never said I don't want to... hang out with them. I just want a chance to get to know someone before I decide they are my ally. The Arena is a dangerous place, and I deserve a chance to know who I am working with. You didn't even give me a choice, you just decided for me and wouldn't even give me time to process it." It seems like a good enough euphemism. Hopefully he gets the idea, anyway. "You felt like you were being forced away, but I felt like you were forcing me into it, without even trying to explain what was going on. That's what hurts. Not what you wanted, but how you did it without considering me or my feelings at all."
And then, since they're being honest, she has to add one more thing. She doesn't want to hold back more than she has to, but this she can be completely candid about. "When we decided to be matesprits, I knew about the mood swings, and the hating yourself for no reason. I can deal with that. But you were so ready to disrespect me, turn your back on me, and just completely disregard everything that is important to me, rather than try to work together and maybe giving me a little faith and respect that I know what's best for me."
Breathe in. Breathe out. She has to force herself to take some deep breaths. She's shaking, it's obvious in her fins and in her fingers. She doesn't want this to be the end of things either, but his declarations of affection rings hollow for her right now; she's not as convinced of it. "What I want is support, and communication. You didn't like it when I didn't communicate with you, but you did the same thing."
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When she brings his issues into it, his moodswings, he finds himself looking down again. He's not shaking, but it doesn't feel promising as he rolls it around in his head.
He takes a moment after she's finished, to make sure she has and to think alike. "I didn't tell them all. I thaid you wanted to help thingth, and thaid maybe the three of uth should talk tho you could put your ideath forward. But then I got mad about thingth, about mithunderthtandingth, and it blew up and wrecked that chanthe. And after, I... I wath tho fruthtrated, I jutht wanted to talk to you plainly and not act like I wath hiding thingth."
He feels bad as it is. He traced down Lonestar, and he has to hide that for safety's sake, but he didn't want to wreck that chance either by being secretive over Feferi's plot. It's a whole new thing he hasn't had to navigate before, and that newness makes it difficult.
"I don't know how much it meanth now, but I'm thorry I didn't athk." The purrbeast is out of the burlap sack. He can't fix what already happened, and it doesn't do a thing for want of not lying to Lonestar.
"And my mood thwingth..." This is the hard part, and his features all press in for it. He looks over to her, brief and hurting and not knowing what to do for it. "I get mad. I blow up at thingth, at people. And it happened and I blew up at you and it'th not thomething I can jutht... turn off for people. It'th difficult. It doethn't mean I don't care, but it'th a thing that happenth thtill. I... I don't know if that'th thomething you'll want to put up with, becauthe I can try, and I do try, but I can't promithe it will go away or won't happen for you."
It's going to be a point plaguing him, he knows. Even if she decides to stick with him still and give him that chance, it will eat at his mind with the worry of it. If she leaves it will be even worse. It's not a thing he blames her for, because it's not fair and he knows it isn't, and he's witness first and foremost to what it causes. It's nothing new, not even close.
"I can try to communicate better," he says. "But the other thtuff ith thtill going to be there. I can't pretend it won't."
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As much as she doesn't want to drag Dave into this any more than she already has, it seems like a necessary evil. Maybe knowing that there's someone out there who doesn't totally disagree with her will get him to see that she is taking this seriously enough to be listened to. "I will give them a chance, because we don't have many other options but to work together in there. But until I know they are not going to betray us, I just think I should keep the things they don't need to know to myself. For me in particular, it is dangerous to give away all my strategies right up front, especially when other trolls are involved. Outside of our friends, do you know how many trolls wanted me dead on Alternia? A lot. I don't know these strange trolls, I need to be careful with them, and they need to be careful too, because they don't trust the Empress, so they don't trust me. I understand that. I am sure they are not telling you and I all their strategies, either. That's normal. We all keep secrets, just not the things that matter."
She didn't even know other trolls were involved until they started talking about hemocaste things, but it's something that's worried her as well, in the interim. After so many attempts on her life, and without the protection of her lusus, she's practically a sitting duck for any troll with a grudge against the former future heiress.
That's so many words though. She's said a lot, and she's been all over the place, and this conversation isn't really making her feel any better. "But, okay. Here is the bottom line. I will give them a chance. I will tell them important things. I won't plot against them just for the sake of it. And I will tell them if I have an idea that's actually useful at the time. I will work with them, but I will still be trying to keep us safe. As long as they don't threaten that and our goals align, then there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Does that make sense?"
it feels weird making this mostly words but talk is pretty much the focus more than action
"But they have told me thingth. I've athked quethtionth and learned thingth I never even knew about, and... and thtrategieth to fight better becauthe of that," he continues, piggybacking off her euphemism. "I have thingth I can try and wayth to help. I've been told more allieth I can make and what we can do together."
He can't say them plainly here, but he hopes she can imagine the gist. Things he can hack, code things he can do, ways to help all through that. And despite everything, it still feels sort of like a blow that she can't trust in his trust.
"Blood thtuff affectth me too, though. The Inititate'th a highblood, but... I've learned about him, inthide and outthide the arena, and if he wath going to hurt me for it he would have done it a long time ago. I know you're both good, tho I wanted to give that chanthe, like I thaid."
His brow furrows a bit. Things really have been all over, and he needs the pause to gather himself again.
"What you're thaying there doeth make thenthe, jutht... It feelth like you think I'm being more recklethh about thith than I am. And I did take thome chantheth, I admit that, but I had to tho I could do anything with thith at all." He's not even sure where it's leading in the end. He hopes she can see his reasoning, but he's not sure how much it's a problem of sight versus disagreement of method.
He finishes with the acknowledgement, "I am glad you want to help, though. I am. I know it can work out if we try thith."
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What's the use in berating him over something they can't change? He said he'd try to communicate better, so why belabor the point? Neither does she see a point in arguing her distrust of other highbloods. He'll never be able to understand, and she's wary of starting a whole new fight.
"I just wish you had told me this all before we had to fight over it." She's not criticizing him now, just regretful. This fight never had to happen, but it did, and now she feels like there's no way to actually fix it. "I didn't even know who it was or what they said or what their strategies even were, I didn't know what was going on and it was too much all at once. I know you think that it's me and I am always ready to do anything, but I can't do that here. I just... I can't. I don't want to die again because I just jumped into something."
Like in the Arena. Tears well up again as she thinks about it, and she buries her face on her knees again.
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And that's before she brings up the arena. "FF..."
He can't bear to see her like that. It's now that he edges over closer, and not sure he's allowed, reaches to put his hand at her shoulder. He wants to hold her. He can't make it better, but he still feels so bad for her that it had to happen at all.
It's strange, though. That fear isn't in him the same way it is in her. He thought of himself as useless, directionless, and doomed. If he couldn't take the risk here, what was the point? If he dies along the way it will be just what he expected, in some part of him. He's never been afraid to die if it saves someone else.
Still, he doesn't begrudge her her fear in the least.
"What can I do for you?" he asks. He doesn't know when she's sat here crying before him about things beyond his reach, and that's his clearest way of acknowledging it.
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And now, she doesn't know. There are no Gods of the Farthest Ring here. Sollux doesn't even have his voices. Maybe he's found a purpose, but now she feels like she has none. At least she felt like she was doing something before, now she just feels like she's at someone else's whim and back in the same place she was when she first arrived.
She feels weak. For once, Feferi of all people just feels hopeless.
She shrugs against his hand, not to push him away, just in response, before she finally croaks out actual words. "I don't know. I don't feel right anymore. I still feel like you would probably rather just break up with me so that you can go do this. I mean you keep saying you don't want to end this, but everything else you're saying just makes me feel like I'm in your way."
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With her lack of movement, he keeps his hand on her but doesn't move any closer. He wants more, but he can't presume it's okay. To hear her speak again outright shocks it off of her.
"Why do you keep saying that?" His hand hovers in the air, then lowers away. "I never thaid I wanted to break up. I never even mentioned it - I've thaid the ekthact oppothite thith whole time," he insists. "If you hadn't brought it up it never would have been an issue."
His eyes search her face as his eyebrows draw in. "I've been trying to talk tho we can underthtand each other and fikth thingth. And I know it hathn't gone thmoothly, but I've been trying. I've been worried and thcared ever thinthe we fought, and had to thtruggle jutht to get my mind off how mitherable I wath about it, and want to help you - and you thay it feelth like I want to break up? You're the only one who keepth thaying it. You..."
It's a strange feeling that wells up in him. He doesn't want to believe this. He doesn't want it to be happening at all. But now that the fear has bubbled up in his mind, he can't just set it aside without asking it.
"It thoundth like... Do you want to end it, yourthelf?"
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She's just too used to having all the answers. Not having them, getting in fights like this... she doesn't know what to make of it. But what use is she if she just makes him feel bad? That's not the kind of quadrant she wants to be in.
"I love you, I just feel like I have done nothing but let you down."
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He sits back with a heavy sigh. How does he even tackle this? His thumb and forefinger slip up under the rim of his shades as he thinks to rub over closed eyelids.
He speaks slowly as he sets to explaining himself. "I felt uthelethh becauthe I wath uthelethh. I couldn't fight. I couldn't protect you. And planth were jutht 'maybe' or elthe 'thomeday thomething will happen'. It didn't make me feel anything I wathn't feeling already. And now I have thingth I can try, tho that'th being tholved - tho unlethh you are telling me not to trutht thethe people or ally with them, then I don't thee why we're even arguing thith."
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Finally, at long last, with a frustrated growl she uncurls herself and stands. Clenching her fists, she paces a few times before she gets as close to the edge of the building as she can and just... screams. Nothing but noise, out at the city, out at the Capitol. Below her on the street, people are too busy partying and living their lives to notice, but it feels good to just let it all out. She can't curse the Capitol like she'd like to, but it's enough. She blames them for this, above all else. This wouldn't even be a question if they were still in the dreambubbles. She'd be able to go on loving him without question, without having to ask herself whether he really trusts her, whether he actually thinks she's stupid or not.
When she moves back to where he is, she puts her arms over her chest, giving an apologetic shrug. "Sorry. I just... had to do something. Sollux. I love you more than anything, but if this is all it takes to get us to fight... what are we going to do? I don't want to break up, but I don't want to make things worse because we just wind up fighting all the time. I don't want to lose you completely."
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But she gets up. She gets up and makes fists and paces and--holy shit--screams just to get it out. It freezes him up, at first, until as she moves back he goes to stand, himself.
His gaze is startled and wary, but it settles more to tired, unhappy frustration as she speaks again. Another sigh leaves him, this one slow and soft. "I don't know." He really doesn't anymore. "Thith ith thtupid. Thith ith all thtupid. I don't even want to break up and yet here we're arguing about it anyway--and that'th another dumb fight on top of everything already making thtuff awful."
He tries pacing himself, but he's too tired to scream, and he can't find anything to kick. He'd really like to kick something. He feels about like kicking himself for everything, really.
"Neither of uth wantth to fight, but neither of uth wantth to end thtuff, and yet neither of uth knowth how to make it thtop, tho what?" His head turns to her again. "I don't know what I'm thuppothed to do."
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But she has to come to some kind of decision. She doesn't want to rush it, but there's no way waiting won't make things worse. She stops fidgeting for long enough to open her arms and beckon him over.
"Come here. First, you're supposed to give me a hug." The barest hint of a smile tugs at her lips, like she's trying to brighten up, even if it's not working out to well. But she is trying.
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But even if it is--
He steps forward, slipping his head over her shoulder as he slips his arms around her. If lack of confidence can slip into a hug, it's in this one, but it's a hug just the same. He doesn't say anything just yet.
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She doesn't want to lose him forever. That's her biggest fear, and if they really can't stop fighting, then the least they can do is try to preserve some of their fondness for each other, and take the time apart.
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"Okay," he says. He doesn't want to think about a future where they maybe do have to break up, but it's a plan and it's in the future and he doesn't have to worry right now. Right now he just wants to hold her.
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She's not sure how long they stay like that, but as her mind starts to calm, she pulls back only a little; just enough to look up at him. "I think we should do something together. Like a date! It wouldn't have to be today, if you don't want, but soon. It would be romantic, and we could get our minds off of the Arena stuff."
And it would be a great opportunity to build up some public image, and even though she has no reason to hide that fact from prying Capitol eyes, she doesn't say it. Even more important to her right now is trying to put this behind them and just be together.
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When she pulls back - he hasn't kept track, either - he loosens his hold just enough to look back down at her. He blinks first, but the thought brings a soft, hopeful smile.
"Yeah. That might be nithe." He'd know, if he stopped to think about it, that they'd get gawked at and watched and probably photographed again. He's even tried to make the best of their quadrant for PR already, with that interview he got dragged to. But right now that's not on his mind. "I think I jutht want to relakth today - thith hath been kind of ekthauthting, emotionally - but definitely thoon," he says, and he nods for emphasis. "Maybe... Maybe tomorrow?"
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She eyes the splotch she's left on his shirt, and she doesn't even want to know what she looks like right now. "Do you want to go back inside? We can clean up, and relax a little."
Right now, she could really go for some snuggles. Maybe get some of those wonderful blanket things around them, bask in the warmth for a little while. She's never really fought this much with anyone before, but now that it's over, she's swung all the way to the other end and really wants a little physical affection.
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He tips his head in, just to press a kiss to her forehead, soft and affectionate. Fights aren't new to him on the whole of things, but ones of this magnitude with her in particular are a new thing, and a worrying one. Time spent together and affection shared seem suited to renewing that bond and affirming their desire to make things work. He'd really rather not have to go through this stress again, even if their agreement would cut out the days of wondering between.
He steps away from her proper now, but reaches to hold her hand. "Your block or mine?"
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He heads for the door now, holding her hand all the way, and namely for the elevator. His room it is, but he can't resist teasing her.
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He just managed to get that last bit out before laughter overtakes him again. It's enough from there to climb into the elevator and press the button for District 9.
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"Okay! You can wear them on our date! We both can!" In between giggle fits, she manages to hook her arm around his waist. "That way we will match, and I will look just as trendy as you!"
At least the elevator is a short trip, so she doesn't have all that much time to come up with any more ridiculous ideas.
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"Okay--okay, let'th thtop now," he says, between a last giggle or two. "I'll fall off the bed if you keep making me laugh, and it'th kind of hard to cuddle like that." With a gentle tug, he goes to lead her off to his room. "Bethideth, I don't think I want to share how my butt would look in thothe pantth with the Capitol. My butt ith a privilege they don't detherve."
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Nope, gotta stop that. Gotta stop laughing. "We will keep your butt our little secret!"
Maybe, maybe she'll laugh into one of his pillows about the idea of a secret butt again, but she swears to herself to calm down now. Calm down and just be happy that she still gets all of him, and not just his butt.