[Closed]

[sithcretapprentice]

Who| Starkiller and Hans
What| Starkiller wakes up and does a thing
Where| D5 commons
When| After Starkiller wakes up
Warnings/Notes| N/A

It had always been a bit of a mystery as to whether or not when he died, he would be himself again. He's heard of avox tributes going into the arena and then being brought back and being normal, but he's never held onto that hope. A part of him had, sure, in the very back of his mind. But the realistic side of him knew that the Capitol could just as easily make an example of him and keep him as an avox permanently. At first, of course, he had stood by what he did that day in the arena. In a way, he still did and still does. But the longer he'd been an avox, the less human he had begun to feel and it's hard to feel like it's worth it when your humanity is slowly stripped from you.

Unlike other avoxes, though, Starkiller has had one thing to get him through it. In his wildest dreams, he never expected to find someone like Hans in a place like this. He never expected one singular person could be what got him through the worst experience of his life. It's taken him a long time to finally realize just what it is about Hans that's gotten him through this. When he first arrived in the Capitol, he'd arrived with the notion that love is a weakness. Now he knows that love is strength. Love is what helped him through hell, it drove him through until finally, mercifully, he reached the light at the end that he never expected to be there.

When he wakes up, his tongue feels heavy in his mouth, almost like something that shouldn't be there. It takes him a long moment to orient himself and realize that he's woken up normal, because everything normal feels foreign to him. But it quickly becomes obvious that there's no longer whatever poisoning in him that had made him afraid and obedient. He doesn't feel a sense of dread at the most minor of thoughts or ideas. It's not gone completely, since it had been ingrained in him so deeply, but his own will is enough to overpower the residual kneejerk fear from all the months of having it. He's finally himself again and when he realizes that, there's only one thing on his mind from that moment on and a will so powerful that even the Capitol would have a hard time stopping him.

Starkiller ignores anything and anyone in his path. He'll talk to people later, right now he's got one goal. He has a good idea of where to go, so he heads there. Some people would feel a sense of fear or anxiety at the prospect of doing something like this, but not Starkiller. He's had enough fear to last a lifetime, and this just isn't something that he can feel afraid to do. He's wanted it for so long, he's not going to let a damn thing stop him from getting it.

It's in the district 5 commons that he finds who he's looking for. Hans can probably hear him approaching with heavy, determined footsteps. There's no anxiety or fear, but there is a weird pounding in his chest that he's not used to- at least not in this way. It's less of a fearful thud and more of a flutter. It's just really good to see him- and see him without the ever present fear gripping him. He never expected to be able to see him under these conditions again. Whether or not Hans turns around or Starkiller has to get his attention with a hand on his shoulder, the end result is going to be the same.

Starkiller kisses him on the mouth and he doesn't give a damn who sees, whether tribute, Capitolite or President Snow himself. It's not a gentle kiss, either. It's almost aggressive in its passion, but there's something gentle in the way he brings his hands up to cup Hans' face, as if he's afraid of breaking what he finally has now. There's more to this than just a simple, passionate kiss. The feelings radiating are so strong, a result of keeping them locked away for so long and never being able to let them out. He's making up for the time that Hans had tried, when he'd had to run away in fear. And above that, he's making up for lost time.

The long story short is he isn't going to pull away for a while.

Comments

[hanssome]

Hans had watched Starkiller die. Whether he'd come back was a mystery, whether he'd come back as good as new was out of his realm of understanding entirely. He couldn't help but be a little satisfied with how it panned out, properly sealing the rivalry between his companion and Anna. Some things never change, but it looks like other things might. He'd opened up quite a bit in that bathroom exchange, Starkiller had gone to dangerous lengths to speak to him, he'd be a fool to think things wouldn't be different when he got back.

Even so, he gives the man his space. He makes no move to approach him or his room despite knowing he's back. There's still a chance he could have changed his mind about him since they last met, and he hates to admit he's a little worried. It feels like most of the plans he began with here haven't amounted to much. He's better off than most, that much is true, but he wants more than that. He's no longer certain where Starkiller plays into his plans, but he doubts he'll ever stop being useful on some level. There's something a little more to it than that, something a little deeper than he wants to admit. It isn't love. His heart doesn't skip beats thinking about Starkiller and he certainly isn't swooning over him, but he likes him. He's felt more isolated in this place than he'd like to admit, so what he feels for Starkiller is indulgent.

He's his person, his protector and probably on some level his only real friend. Hans has long since grown used to the concept of affection between men, and it seems almost desirable. A kind of dedicated companionship that could very well make his existence here a little less miserable. He doesn't want to admit how much his mind wanders to Starkiller, but it's getting harder and harder to ignore even if he's determined to believe he could never grow to love the other man. Love is a weakness, love won't get him where he wants but affection will make the both of them happy.

The thud of footsteps is the first thing Hans will notice, and it worries him. With everything that's happened over the past few months, he's always worried peacekeepers will burst in and blanket punish everyone for the crimes of a select few. He's relieved when he turns to find Starkiller, it doesn't take long to acknowledge that he must be back to normal, but he doesn't get a chance to anyway. The aggression earns him a startled noise, just a moment of hesitation as Hans isn't sure whether to pull away or not, but the hand on his face insists that this is a good idea and he relaxes. His own hands draw up to rest on Starkiller's chest, it looks affectionate but it gives him the opportunity to shove him if he so chooses.

He's never been kissed like this, so his mind is almost entirely drawing blanks beyond tilting his head up into the contact. Maybe he's imagining it, but he's quite certain he just felt his heart skip a beat.

[sithcretapprentice]

If Starkiller were thinking more than he is right now, he might be embarrassed knowing that the other man's hands are on his chest and that he can feel the way his heart is beating harder in his chest. It's obvious that this little encounter has him worked up more than usual and just a little flustered. He feels sort of like a child in the way it makes him feel happy to finally be kissing Hans. It's something he'd thought about for so long, but he knew he couldn't. It would only end badly for the both of them, but now he's free to do it without regret and it feels better than anything he's ever experienced in his life.

For so long, he's been unable to express his feelings towards Hans and now that he's finally kissing him, he can feel the words bubbling up inside of him and he feels like he needs to let them out all of a sudden, as if he might miss his chance and never be able to tell him. Considering the Capitol, it's a scarily real possibility. But beyond that, he just wants Hans to know the true depths of his feelings, so that everything is out in the open and he isn't keeping anything to himself.

His hands move from Hans' face and grip his shoulders as he pulls back, taking a brief moment to stare into the other man's eyes. The words are leaving his mouth a second later, and he isn't trying to stop them. "I love you." They're said with all of the sincerity of someone who's had to keep them in for months and who's finally happy to let them out and they're the first words he's said since waking up. "It's- no... You. You're what got me through the worst of it all." Some people might feel awkward admitting that- and months ago, he would have. But when you can finally use words, you don't hesitate. "And I want you by my side," he says. "From now on until the end- whatever that may be." He has no idea what the future has in store from them, so he feels like it's important to make the most of their time together from here on out.

[hanssome]

The rhythm of Starkiller's heart is heavy and erratic against his hands, enough that he feels less guilty for that little skip of his own. He feels a little more in control now, so he'll move into the embrace more, his hand sliding up to rest on the crook of Starkiller's neck. It's still a small point of control for him, even if by all appearances the bigger man seems to be dominating the moment.

For the moment, he lets himself enjoy the simplicity of it. His lips feel good against his, he feels relatively safe against him and he can't help the giddy feeling building in him, reminding him that he's special and wanted and that someone needs him. It's almost uncomfortably vulnerable, but the affection softens the uncertainty for now.

When Starkiller pulls back, he smiles softly and just a little demurely, taking a moment to meet his stare fully before he's speaking. He can't help the way he inhales sharply at the confession, even if all signs pointed to it happening. He certainly seems taken aback, as if he needs a few moments to process the depth of what's been said rather than figuring out how he needs to approach it. It's a risky gamble, but he wants this, he can use this.

His expression softens finally before he pushes past the hands on his shoulders to smack fervently at his chest before pressing almost defensively against it, like he might leave again if he doesn't. "I was worried sick about you." He snips, making sure to sound distraught. "I didn't know if I'd ever get you back." He grumbles, well aware he hasn't addressed the most important part, he'll pull back to look at him for that.

He knows what he needs to say, but it's almost hard to get it out, to know whether the inflection is right and to understand how it is he even feels about this. There's frustration he never got to deal with when Starkiller was too avoxed to handle it, he should air it first.

"I thought about you every day." And it's only partly a lie.

[sithcretapprentice]

That period between Starkiller falling silent and Hans speaking is oddly stressful, Starkiller never knew a pause could be as such. He doesn't regret saying it in the least, because he's held onto it for so long that it's nice to get it out. But he finds himself fearing that he's said too much, or that Hans might not feel the same way. Hans had tried kissing him once, and even returned this one, but is it love or is it lust? He doesn't know, but there's something about it putting him on edge.

He finds himself relaxing when Hans starts speaking, because it's not a rejection. Hans had been worried, that's a good sign, even if he had never meant to put the man in that sort of situation. He'd made his own decisions, it's not up to anyone else to worry about him. He's not used to being in a situation where anyone actually cares enough about him to worry in such a way, so he can't truly appreciate it for what it is, but it's a pretty good feeling regardless of that.

As Hans continues, it doesn't even register that he isn't confessing. Starkiller is so relieved that Hans isn't rejecting him like he'd irrationally feared, so it's easy for him to take what Hans is saying as more than it is. It might as well be a confession for how good it feels to hear. Especially the last part, because it's the same for him. Every day, he thought of Hans and it's what got him through it all.

So he smiles, because everything Hans said is everything he needed to hear. It's a bigger smile than he usually gives anyone, a smile reserved only for Hans in this moment. Words fail him in this moment, so all he can do is press in for another kiss, though this one isn't nearly as long. When he pulls away, he nods vaguely in the direction of Hans' room. "Perhaps we should go somewhere more private," he suggests, because as grand as his confession had been, he's at the point where he wants the rest of their conversation to be theirs alone. "Your room, maybe?"

[hanssome]

There's a brief moment in which Hans worries about whether his hesitation to confess is telling or some cause for concern. Starkiller doesn't seem at all perturbed by it, though, it seems the note he finished on was the note that mattered to him.

He lets out a huff of a breath when Starkiller smiles in place of a response, because he knows his concerns are probably being brushed off in lieu of the confession right now. "What?" He asks with a pointed brow raise, turning his nose up almost defiantly. As it happens, turning his nose up just makes it easier for Starkiller to press a kiss to his lips, which he finds he's coming to enjoy quite a bit. He can't be too mad about it, but he looks a little exasperated when he pulls away.

"Good idea." He affirms when Starkiller nods toward his room, following his line of vision before moving to take the bigger man's wrist and lead him toward it. He highly doubts he's considering anything too intimate, but the nervy little feeling of letting a man you just kissed into your room is present. He opens the door and slinks in himself, moving to perch on the side of his bed as he waits for Starkiller to step in and shut the door. "Make yourself at home." He suggests, petting the bed space beside him.

[sithcretapprentice]

Starkiller doesn't mean to seem like he's dismissing Hans' concerns, but it's difficult to acknowledge them with all of these feelings going on. He seems to realize that Hans might want to talk about them, so when the kiss is over and he's being lead to the other man's room, that's where his mind goes. Should he apologize? It's still new to him, having someone care so much about him like that. His feelings on whether he regrets doing it are so conflicted, so that just makes it even harder.

As they enter the room, Starkiller, watches Hans move to the bed to sit down. He doesn't know whether he should stand or sit- it just feels like new territory now, even if he's been in the man's room plenty of times. It's... different now that they've confessed feelings. He doesn't want to step out of line.

With a small nod though, he closes the door behind him and steps closer. "If..." His brows furrow as he tries to figure out the words to use. He doesn't want to phrase it in a way that makes it seem like he regrets doing what he did, because that defeats the entire purpose of it all. It means that he suffered being an avox for nothing, and even though it gave him the courage to confess, he doesn't want such an awful punishment to have been for nothing.

"If I caused you too much stress with my actions," he finally says, "Then I apologize. It was never the intent to make you suffer for it." For the moment, he still isn't sitting down, if only because he wants to gauge how Hans is going to react to what he's saying. He does step closer though, not quite closing the distance but coming fairly close.

[hanssome]

On some level, it's comforting to see that Starkiller is just as awkward as he is about this. In fact, he seems even more standoffish about it all. It warms Hans' heart to see the way he shuffles around and ignores the invitation. It makes most of the annoyance melt away from his expression, even if internally he's rigidly bothered by Starkiller's recklessness.

He watches the man carefully, as if being attentive to his feelings and not studying him carefully to gauge his expectations. He can see that there's something conflicted there and some reservations about admitting it. He's being careful about how he's phrasing things for his sake, so he ought to smile to show his gratitude. When he finishes, he decides that the distance won't do and he reaches out to tug the bigger man's hand forward so he can hold onto it for a long moment. He looks as if he's also considering his words before he speaks.

"Thank you." His voice is soft, but he continues quickly. "You shouldn't have to apologise for my worry." He brings the hand closer, so he can press his face against it affectionately and lets his eyes fall shut. "I love you too, Stark." He puts as much meaning to it as he can and the words almost taste sweet on his lips, but they leave a bitter aftertaste and a hollow feeling. There's something niggling at him, but he refuses to acknowledge that it might be guilt.

[sithcretapprentice]

And that's exactly what Starkiller is, when you strip away the reckless bravado and passionate first kisses. An awkward person. He is very, very much out of his element, when the entire situation boils down to what it is right now. In a way, he feels like an inexperienced child and he doesn't like it- but at the same time, he wants to learn. He wants to do this right, just so he can feel like he's a functional human being, instead of just the slave he's always been his entire life. He supposes that taking people's feelings into account is part of that, which is why he's trying to make sure things stay right between them.

Starkiller, when Hans pulls him closer, stumbles a little because he isn't quite expecting it- probably the only time that Hans can move the mass of man he calls a lover. He gets himself upright, placing his other hand over Hans's. He's not used to being so physical, so... soft. But the moment feels like it calls for it, and by this point he's getting used to physical displays of affection. It weird him out when other people do it, but for Hans he... doesn't mind at all.

The relief he feels when Hans speaks is immense, because for a moment it had felt like maybe he had really messed up. But Hans is clearly forgiving him, and that feels good. It's another weight off his shoulders, which for someone who carries so much baggage, any little bit makes a difference. Even as Hans tells him he shouldn't worry, though, he finds himself continuing to do so. Now that he's allowed himself to consider it and take into account how it made Hans feel, he can't help it. Is this what happens when you care so deeply for someone? Feelings are ridiculously complicated.

His other hand falls away from Hans as he brings the one he's holding up to his face, and there's something about the gesture that makes his heart do strange things like beat weirdly out of sync. He lets his thumb brush back and forth over Hans's cheek, a smile playing at his lips as he feels a light feeling enveloping him- which only intensifies when Hans speaks again, this time truly affirming his love. He hadn't needed to, of course, Starkiller could read between the lines- but it's amazing to hear. It's not something anyone has ever said to him, it's not something he ever expected to feel, let alone have someone else feel the same way.

But he finds himself speechless, because what do you say in a situation like that? Words are failing him, and that's frustrating because of how long he'd gone without them, but he can't feel truly bothered by it because he's happy. Happier than he's felt in a long time. The loneliness he'd felt as an avox feels far away in the other man's presence. With these feelings between the two of them, he can't imagine feeling lonely for a long time.

Finally, he decides not to say anything at all. Instead of kissing Hans again, like he's almost tempted to do, Starkiller gently moves his hand away from the man's face and moves in to wrap his arms around him. There's something about hugging that feels far more intimate than a kiss, he's coming to realize. And right now, he just wants to feel close to the man. Being this emotionally and physically close to someone is new to him, but he's finding that he likes it more than he could express. Meaning something to someone, after living his entire life taking lives, feels indescribably good.

"I'll never let anything happen to you," he says after a moment, finally finding his words. They're quiet, only for Hans to hear. He'll be damned if any Capitolite listening in through the microphone will take this moment from him. Beyond that, it just feels like something he should express- he knows Hans is more than capable of defending himself, but he feels extremely protective of the man. "I don't know what the future has in store here, but we can weather it together."

[hanssome]

The fact that Starkiller is very much an awkward and childish person hasn't escaped Hans. He's jaded and hardened in many ways, but he's naive and inexperienced in many others. Hans could just as easily seem so awkward with his dated life experiences and customs weighing him down, but it's easier to see the emotional burdens of Starkiller's upbringing. The amount of feelings he's never witnessed or been exposed to exceeds what Hans has lived without. It's endearing and oddly fragile and the similarities that he can draw almost make him feel badly for taking advantage of the other man.

If he can just give him the sensations he's missing out on, he won't feel anything at all. They can just mutually enjoy whatever they have to offer one another, and nobody can say it doesn't make Starkiller happy. Hans can see it in his face when he gives him his answer, and he's so earnestly happy that it's almost infectious. A wider smile tugs at Hans' lips despite him trying to hold it back in the interest of not looking goofy. There's a very pleasant and content in the situation, like Hans could very easily roll over and fall asleep with the other man right now, even if there's a part of him still buzzing with the excitement of it all.

The warmth only increases when Starkiller moves in to wrap his arms around him, and as if he didn't already feel safe in the bigger man's arms his words solidify the feeling even more. Hans has never been the vulnerable one in the relationship, he's the protector who swoops in and makes everything right. He's meant to be the dashing and bold one and he's certainly never been pursued like this. It's a change, of course, but it's not an unwelcome one. He doesn't feel emasculated, he feels respected just as he deserves to be.

"I trust you." He says just as quietly, and it's absolutely sincere. He moves in to press a kiss to Starkiller's temple and pulls his face away just a little. "Come sit beside me, it'll make it more comfortable." He requests, patting the bed beside him again as he scoots back. Inviting a man into his bed is the last thing he imagined for himself, but it isn't as ill intentioned as it seems. He just wants to appreciate more of the closeness from contact that Starkiller is providing.

[sithcretapprentice]

Hans' reply makes him smile. Being trusted, it's still a new thing for him- especially in such a way as this. The environment he comes from isn't one at all conducive to trust, so to be able to earn it and share it is just a good feeling. His eyes slide shut when Hans kisses his temple, allowing himself to enjoy the moment and the feelings that come with it.

When Hans moves away and scoots back onto the bed, Starkiller hesitates just a little. It's weird, being invited into someone's bed in this way, but what else would he do? He can't imagine leaving right now. So with a small nod, he moves onto the bed and positions himself next to Hans. He ends up sitting a little stiffy, much more like a statue than a human. "Now what?" he asks, as if there actually has to be more to it than just sitting together.

[hanssome]

Their mutual experiences are good for Hans in the long run. He can't boast much experience with intimacy, but he's flirted and read enough books and observed enough people to know how to go about it best. If he happens to be cold, Starkiller would probably not notice. He isn't being held to high standards with him, it's reassuring.

When Starkiller gets on his bed, Hans decides that he's had enough awkward fidgeting about and moves to lie backward on the bed. He gives the other man an affectionate nudge with his leg when he does, inviting him down with him.

"We could just lie here and talk." He suggests casually. "I'm sure you've got a lot to say, and I'd like to listen. We can enjoy each other's company for a little while."