thecapitol | I Used to Think I'd Get Over Everything [Closed]

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I Used to Think I'd Get Over Everything [Closed]

WHO| Howard and Ellie
WHAT| Gay teenagers with their unrequited crushes on adults.
WHEN| Before the crowning and Riley's appearance.
WHERE| Rooftop.
WARNINGS| Some suicide ideation.

His petitions are in. Howard thought the act of actually turning them in would help calm his nerves, but all it's done is fueled regret, notions that he should have changed his answers to something or another, that he should have turned them in on expensive paper, should have, should have. His appetite, normally fueled by the tenacious fear of starvation, seems to have dissolved entirely, and he stumbles, as if his center of gravity vanishes and reappears on a whim. The laws of physics seem to pull at him rather than guide him, at least in his head. His head feels divorced from the rest of him.

He spends the rest of his time trying to be alone. Being around other people rubs him raw, as if his skin is papery and easily torn, leaving only bare exposed nerve underneath. Sounds get too loud inside his head, syllables incomprehensible, people talking too much to handle. He feels his heartbeat wherever he goes.

He knows there's a forcefield, but he still walks along the side of the rooftop, wondering why it is that it helps him think to play through the idea of his body crumpling like a soda can upon impact with the concrete so far below. He paces along the roof, wearing out yet another pair of shoes ("if you want to gain weight you should stop burning calories with all that fidgeting and walking back and forth", his stylists said).

John's not back. That petition may be for naught. He doesn't even think you can petition for someone else, honestly. The petition for himself has so few skills listed that it looks desperate. He can think of a thousand reasons to throw him back in the Arena and none to stay alive.

He sits at the edge of the rooftop, occasionally spitting and hoping some dumbass Capitolite thinks it's raining.

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All she wanted was some air. Some air, far away from that little cafe, from her own stupidity, and from Joel's well meaning but constant presence. She just wanted to be alone, to get over how stupid she was for thirty seconds, to set everything back into place before she could plaster a smile back on her face and pretend everything was fine.

She was getting really good at pretending everything was fine.

So when she got to the roof, met the bracing whip of wind and sucked in a breath of fresh air, she didn't even notice Howard at first. But then it was impossible not to notice. It was too late, now, to turn around and pretend she hadn't seen him, but her voice was guilty when she spoke up.

"Hey, Howard."

"Hey." He's about to ignore her, but the sound in her voice makes him sit up. It's not that he's angry at her, or anyone in particular, really (Sherlock exempted), but he'd rather not be around people while he does his 'walking high places' routine. It breaks the illusion.

But he cares about Ellie, and he's surprised by the guilty tone - and moreso, by the down face.

"Something wrong?"

"Heh," Was all she could really say to that question, her head ducking down, hands pushing awkwardly into her pockets.

"... Yeah. You could say that. But I don't-- look, Howard, if you need some space, I can just take off, find another roof to perch on--"

"Nah, it's okay." He flops down, dangling his legs off the edge, trying to see the skyscrapers reaching upwards as something besides teeth.

"I could use the company." It's a lie, but she looks like she could stand to have someone not turn her away.

She doesn't expect him to be lying about it - though whether that's just because she wants to believe him or actually does isn't exactly clear. She walks down and flops down beside him, dangling her legs over the edge and staring out over the city, drifting into silence. After a few moments she sniffs, rubbing her sleeve under her nose and sighs.

"This place fucking sucks."

"What happened? They wax your knuckles or something? Dye your eyelashes and give you a tongue tattoo?"

He can tell it's something more serious, but he's fine not actually knowing and instead just getting her to laugh. He can set aside his curiosity for later.

"Heh, yeah, I wish," Ellie said, snorting. She stuck her tongue out. "I woul' loo' awesome with a 'ongue 'a'oo!"

She closed her mouth, and sighed, looking back out over the horizon. "No. Nothing like that." She paused, falling silent for a long time as she thought over the words. "You ever... You ever find out that someone is with someone else and like... You knew it was stupid, from the get go, to ever like them, but it still fucking hurts?"

He's surprised at that, and more, surprised that it stings. That it still hurts to think about John.

"Yeah. Yeah, I know exactly how that feels."

He frowns and parks his chin on his hands, looking over at her. "For what it's worth, if I could I'd date you."

She snorts, the comment cutting through somehow, and she looks down into her lap, kicking her feet.

"Thanks, Howard. I think maybe we're not really each other's type. But it means a lot."

"You're welcome. For what it's worth, if we did date, neither of us would be able to reach anything on the top shelf, and I'll take spider-killing duty if you do the dishes."

If Howard were a touchy-feely type, he may reach over and pat her. But he's not. He just looks over the horizon.

"So. Who I gotta give a surprise rattlesnake in their mailbox?"

She snorted again at the top shelf comment, but at the question Ellie frowned, not able to meet his eyes.

"Nah, I don't-- It's no one's fault, you know? It's so stupid, I just..." Her face twisted with frustration as she fought over what she wanted to say. "... It's stupid, Howard. It's just so stupid. But I thought-- I don't know what I thought. Maybe when I was a little older, she'd..."

Ellie trailed off before letting out a frustrated growl and twisting around so that she could flop on the ledge, looking up at the sky. "She's just so cool, you know? And he's such a fucking doofus."

"Oh my God, don't get me started on people making shitty decisions like that, the person I like is obsessed with fucking Sherlock- wait, did you say she?"

Howard tilts his head back in a birdlike gesture. It's not judgmental, it's actually almost hopeful. Wary, but hopeful.

"Yeah," She said, as it barely registering the question, because of course it was a she. Why would anyone be surprised? But she blushed anyway, not because of the fact that it was a woman, but because now she couldn't get out of saying who.

"... Just don't-- It's stupid, so please don't mention it to anyone. I'm sure you know her. Everyone knows her. She's like a fucking comet." Ellie sighed. "... Venus. Super hot, kind of a fucking bad ass..."

"That's not stupid. You could be crushing on, I don't know. That Marius guy." Howard couldn't avoid knowing who Venus is. He keeps tabs on the limited amount of people with his skintone in the Arena, wondering exactly what mechanism is tilting the demographics that way and whether he should be scared of exploitative of it - and more than that, Venus is one of the most dangerous people in the Arena. Her killcount over three Arenas outdoes some of the people with twice her longevity.

"I won't mention it. Lips sealed, alright?" He holds a hand out to pinkie swear. "I'll even give you a secret for collateral."

"God, If I was crushing on that guy I hope you would slap me backside of the head," She said, letting out a groan and rolling her eyes.

She sat up, peering at his pinkie finger curiously, as if not entirely sure what to do with it. "I wouldn't give a shit who knew if Joel wasn't around," She said sullenly, reaching out to seal the pinky swear.

"Spill."

"Does he not know, you're, you know..." Howard shrugs, as if the label itself is too hard to say. "Is that it?"

Howard breathes deep. It shouldn't be a big deal to say it, especially given that anyone who watches the Games footage suspects it, and yet-

"You know John Watson?"

"What, that Venus is a girl?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "No. He wouldn't give a shit about that. They just don't get along and I don't want to deal with that shit."

"The Doctor?" She asked to the question. "We haven't like, met, but I know of him, yeah."

"That's good. Do they have like, legit beef or stupid beef?"

It still takes a while to get the words out.

"Yeah." Howard pulls his knees up and rests his face in the crook of them, wrapping his arms around his shins. "The doctor."

"Joel never really gets along with anyone, at first."

She falls silent for a moment as she watches Howard curl up, her heart aching sympathy. Obsessed with Sherlock, Howard had said, and the pieces fell together.

She tilted her head with a sigh.

"Yeah. ... I'm sorry, Howard. But at least he isn't Marius."

"Good on him." Not so good for Ellie, though. "So did Venus, like, find out about your crush or is she just seeing someone else or what?"

He doesn't want to talk about the John thing, and as such he just turns his head and looks at the buildings and ignores her attempt to console.

She wets her lips, but decides not to push him on it. If he wanted to talk about John, he would, so she sighed, and shrugged, kicking her feet off the ledge.

"... Seeing someone. She was so happy to tell me, too, all like, 'we should do things together!'" She rubbed her face. "God, I feel like an asshole."

"Not your fault she's got bad taste." He doesn't know who Venus is dating, but come on. Ellie's awesome. He wasn't kidding about wanting to date her if they were compatible gender-wise.

"You know, I could rattlesnake his box. It doesn't have to be her mailbox."

She snorted again. "I bet he'd try to lecture at it," She said, bitterly.

She sighed. "It's just stupid, Howard. It shouldn't get at me this badly, but-- I don't know. She just- She like, really seemed to care about me, you know, and it made me think, like... She reminded me of someone, from a long time ago, and I just couldn't help it--"

"Good. It'd bite him in the face."

He shakes his head. "It's not stupid. You kinda can't help get your heart set on something, you know? It just..." He makes a gesture of something crumbling in his hands. "It happens."

"Yeah. Shit just fucking happens." She bowed her head, staring into her lap with a sigh.

"... Anyway, thanks for... listening I guess. Obviously I can't talk to Joel about this shit, and... Well I never really had anyone to talk to at all." Not since Riley had died, at least. "So I... I appreciate it."

"Hey, I'm all ears." He shrugs and stands up, poising at the edge of the roof like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. "I'm going to head back in, if that's okay. Don't let it eat you up, alright?"

"Yeah. You go on," She said, looking back out over the city. "... Sorry to break up your alone time, Howard. Take care of yourself, too, alright?"

She looked back at him.

"And if you ever need to rant about Sherlock McFuckerson, you just let me know, alright?"

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I Used to Think I'd Get Over Everything [Closed]

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