thecapitol | May Others Plan Their Future [CLOSED]

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May Others Plan Their Future [CLOSED]

Who: The Signless and the Disciple
What: Dealing with some unresolved issues before they become serious problems.
When: After the District tours, pre-Arena
Where: D7 Suites, Di's room
Warnings: Very high chances of romance and/or sap. Will add as relevant.

One of the first things the Signless does once everyone's off the trains and settled back into their Capitol rooms is go down to the District 7 rooms to see the Disciple. He has a gift to give her, after all.

Maybe it's to get on her good side, just a little. He needs to have a talk with her about something that's been worrying him since the last arena, especially before they get into the current one and there's no real time.

He knocks on her door, hoping she's in -- but District 12 had one of the longest train rides, so there's no reason to assume she wouldn't have got back before him.

"It's me, Meulin."

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She's been back a few hours at least, enough time to shed her heavy coat and pull on something simple and without those ridiculous layers. Once they wouldn't have bothered her but the layers the Capitol forced on her seemed to never end. Better to have a simple shirt and soft leggings. After all, she can have it as warm as she likes in her room. Small bits and bobs from her journey, little carved things and all the things they had gifted her were scattered on the end table beside her. His knock finds her rubbing a thumb over the crude face of a purrbeast, eyes soft and sad.

Her eyes lift and she smiles slightly, calling out as she wraps the carving in her hand.

"Come in Kankri." Then she tilted her head and murmured, "That's going to be confusing."

Signless laughs, though a little part of him isn't quite in it. Having his past self around is going to give rise to some unique problems, isn't it?

"Probably, yes."

He steps past her so that she can close the door, before holding out the box to her. "I brought you something from Twelve, I thought you might like it." When she opens it she'll find nine little chocolate mice nestled within, with brightly-colored ribbons for tails. He thought they were cute, that maybe they'd lift her spirits if only temporarily.

There's a moment where she wants to comment that she hopes they can keep--after all she'll be tugged out tomorrow. Maybe she'll eat them all before she can come back to find them gone or some nonsense. She reminds herself to write a note on all the things she wants to stay here.

"They're adorable. Thank you--Oh I didn't get you anything but the people in Seven were constantly giving me little things and I thought of you when I got it." Just like another is earmarked for Terezi and another for Pruna. The one she selects is a slightly larger cat but the wood is obviously darker, richer, redder. This one came from an adult, not a child and the workmanship clearly shows. It shines deep red in places, in others a chocolaty brown.

"I know it's a purrbeast--I must have gotten a half dozen of them--but the red and brown, it just seemed you."

It's lovely, smooth against his fingers as he turns it over in his hands. He runs his thumb over the ears and up the curved back like he's petting a real purrbeast, and the motion is strangely comforting.

"Thank you, it's lovely. It's sweet, that the people in your district gave you gifts. The people in Twelve weren't really..." Well, they definitely weren't mean, but they were so downtrodden, and he's sure even if they wanted to give gifts they wouldn't have had much to give away. "...Able. But they were kind in their own way."

She nods, watching his fingers play over the wood with fond but tired eyes. She wished Signless had been there when she'd been dealing with all the ...fame? Glory? Overwhelming kindness and gratitude? She doesn't know what to call it but it stuck with her through the days and nights, a quiet reminder that someone was grateful for her.

"Seven was...more than I thought it might be. They were so touched by us. By everything we did, that we were replacing the children they might have had to send." She laughs, embarrassed by what comes to mind, "I cried when we arrived. I didn't expect it. I didn't understand really. They had ice statues of us, they sang and left notes, always pressing something in our hands when we walked by. I gave away one of Terezi's bows but it was all I had on me. I didn't think to bring things to give to them."

She shakes her head, "We go in tomorrow and I'm still caught up in feeling needed. I doubt I'll feel as needed when I'm fighting."

"Oh, Meulin." He sets the cat down so he can fold her into his arms, curling his fingers into her long hair.

"I need you, at least. And I'll always need you." He tightens his grip on her, just a little. "We need to talk before we go in and there's no time."

He isn't really sure exactly where to start, or how to say what he needs to say in a way that won't drive her away, won't make her feel as though he doesn't appreciate how hard she's tried to support him and be there for him.

"I've been worried about you ever since the last arena. I thought you would be angry. You would have had every right to hate me for what I did to you."

She presses into his embrace as he speaks, enjoying the little things like his arms around her and his hands in her hair. His words make her hesitate, a breath catching before she pulls back enough to look at him. She pushes back thoughts of what someone else might have said and nods. Of course she had hated him for it. It's so exhausting to not say what she feels outright anymore. It's just exhausting.

"I did. I hated you for days for it, I loathed you for leaving me alone there again. For not knowing I had come back--or that I had died. Or if you did, you didn't come to me." She stumbles over her next words, hoping he doesn't interrupt her before she can get them out, "I was scared you would be upset with me for being angry. For finding it selfish. I wanted to shake you but you--you, what if you hadn't come back? What if I was left alone with just your hollow words that nothing mattered, that I shouldn't bother, that I should just let you die--again."

She sighs, "But if you hated me for hating you, what would I do? What if you really meant all that, what if you wanted me to just leave you to die, to not try anymore--what if, you--you're..."

She trails off and stares at the wall for a moment, "What if I lost you because I was too selfish to let it go."

"I could never hate you for hating me, not for what I did. You should have. I would have known that coming from you, it meant that you cared." It's hard to articulate exactly what he means -- this is a delicate and painful subject, after all. But it's very different to be verbally beaten down by someone whose only intent is to harm than it is to hear harsh words from someone whose intent is to push you to do better.

"And if you need to, then I want you to. It shouldn't go unresolved and you certainly shouldn't ignore your own feelings to try and spare mine. Get all of that left-over hate and frustration out now so we can move forward with a clean slate."

He bumps his nose lightly against hers.

"We've overcome so much, Meulin, we can get through this too."

She lets out a breath she didn't know she had been holding and relaxes. Thinks. What to say, how to say it. What should she address, what is past time to care about.

"You were selfish." She starts, hesitant, learning anew how to criticize him when most of her last sweeps has been spent raising his name up, "Selfish not to come to me for help surviving. To give up on surviving at all. I--I don't know how to begin on the things that happened in the arena. If I try to take a step back, I understand his anger--it's like Karkat's anger at Terezi for killing you. Different situations, and he reacted like a monster, cruel and thoughtless--I hate him, loathe him, I wanted to find him and claw his eyes out--" She stops herself before she sinks too deep into that set of troubles.

"You shouldn't have killed Mituna. We both know that. In no way did that help, would it help, but I understand why you did. I just--you should have gotten me to do it. To kill him out mercy. He hates me for good reasons, what's one more reason to hate me. The Initiate hates me too, he would have just killed me outright I think--ugh I'm talking too much about not the right things."

She trails off for a moment.

"I don't want you to kill again Signless. It's not what you're about, it was a mistake and one you don't have to make again." Unspoken in between those words is to let her, the one with experience, who did it long ago, make those kinds of mistakes.

He listens patiently-- he knows this is difficult for her and he hardly expects a perfect eloquent speech when her feelings and the subject matter are both so complicated and painful. And yet she's still not really letting herself be angry, not at him, only at others.

"I won't. I knew it wasn't right, even if it was based in compassion. I should have walked away, I should have known the kind of chain it would start. I promise you that I will never cull another person again in these games. But you shouldn't have had to do it for me, either. I wouldn't have asked you to, I wouldn't have wanted you to have to carry that guilt."

He reaches down to find her hand and squeezes it.

"But this is not about me. This is about you. Keep talking."

Her hand squeezes back, for a moment but her other hand gestures wide for a moment, then curls back in as if unsure. Her breath catches and then finally lets go in a sigh.

"It would have been easier." She can't let that go with rebuttal, but she holds her hand up to forestall any reply. She knows that argument would go nowhere, he would never budge on such a thing.

"I hated it all. Losing you--and you not even caring that you might never come back, that I might never come back. What if that had been the last time we saw each other, what if I had had to live on knowing that! I already had to deal with your death once, live and in person, and we both know I don't just die easily, I live, even if I don't want to! Even if I'd rather just die, if I wish I could give up, I don't, I have to keep living because that's who I am, I couldn't die to save you--" She takes a breath.

"Selfish and cruel, heartless, and most of all, you made me feel useless. The whole arena made a joke of me! I could hunt but I couldn't eat what I caught! I could fight, but to what end! I could find water, but without food, it only prolonged my suffering! And you, dying because you saw no other way--I was the way! I was the one who--the one who always has to survive alone. I'm always the one who has to keep living after everyone else passes, and I'm sick of it. I'm so tired of it."

Her nails are biting into his hand.

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May Others Plan Their Future [CLOSED]

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